Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Years Starts with a Bubble!


Update #18 ~ For 13 days Mark has had cold stethoscopes examining his belly throughout the day. Doctors listening for gastric sounds of any kind. We hold our breath, boring our eyes into their skulls looking for clues, so far no luck. Shoot! I've never discussed gas (or boofa's in Portuguese) so much in my life! Everyone asks poor Marky 'the question' as soon as they walk into the room, "Well...did you blank today?" He shakes his head no. Right now, Mark would kill to boof! (:D) Because that would mean that he would get to drink real water, or maybe even some watered down juice, instead of a few ice chips carefully placed into his mouth. Less than 1/2 a cup, every 8 hours. His fever spiked really high today and mystified the doctors...more cultures, blood and possibly CAT scans. He was bummed and my husband the warrior cried in my arms. Mark did 'the chair' today and asked to do it with no sedatives or extra morphine! Why?...that's what I wanted to know. The doctor told him that those additional medicines slows down the intestinal activity. What a STUD! I leave the room (as instructed) but he called for me after he was situated. (that was new) A cold wet rag across his sweating brow brought a small smile. (my heart skipped a beat) After about an hour, he had had enough and the orderlies entered the room (all men) to get him back into bed. I heard some manly celebrating...high fies and "cool dudes." In the process of moving him....well...he farted! :D We were telling everyone!...heck, I'm telling you! But you've earned the information. (Yes Mark, I wrote about that) Okay, so he's in excruciating pain, in a crowded room full of men that are lifting him and he boofs. Can you imagine the looks on their faces? Remember, these are men we're talking about! Yea...I know...they still laugh. So I walk in his room and he is green from all the movement, but it was a very 'proud' green. I guess you could say that our new year started out with a bang! (a very quiet one :)

A great BIG TIRED hug from me, to all of you....oh, and...

Happy New son's alive...I couldn't BE more happy...well, maybe... ;)

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Rose Colored Glasses

Update #17 ~ Day 12~ I'm not counting the days because I want to know how 'many' days Mark stays in the hospital. I count them to remember the 'first' day he arrived and I let myself marvel at how far he has come in 'just' 12 days. Every day the doctor examines Mark and then talks to us. I don't report his fever to you because it goes up and down everyday. This is normal and I quickly learned not to judge his body's accomplishments by that number. As a matter of fact, the only numbers that really count is his blood numbers. They move by 1/10 of a per cent. Three days can go by and that is the only change, but it is going up, meaning, getting thicker and also how many white blood cells there are. He lost a lot of blood and they thin the donor blood that they replace, so thicker is a good thing. (except if it gets too thick and then they get concerned about clots) White blood cells determine infection. Normal levels are 5, his are at 14. He sat in 'the chair' today for 1&1/2 hours. I am oh so proud of him. He has no bowel sounds yet and that is not a good thing. The machine that has been taped to his front incision for the last 4 days was removed to be cleansed and then replaced. It took off a scab with it.(Ouch!) Each day now will be hard work on his part. Longer hours in the chair mean lung and intestinal movement, all very painful with a broken back and foot, torn ligaments and swollen lymph nodes in his groin, plus the fact that he is weak from not eating or drinking anything in 12 days. But...all of this is necessary and good. We cheer him on and cry later, when we are in the car, at home, in bed, or when we wake up. I spent the morning with my Pastor's wife. A daughter of her own almost died in a car accident and she nurtured her back to health, so she cried with me, understanding every emotion that I expressed. It was very healing, cleansing and she even made me laugh.

I was proud to show her you...yes you! She had never heard of bloggers and I walked her through the network and she cried as she read your comments. She cried and was amazed that so many people cared so deeply and were so wise, kindhearted and faithful. When she left me, I came back to my computer with your words still on my screen and I realized that you were my rose colored glasses, spectacles that help me look at all of this, knowing that it is not hopeless or a trial in Marks life which ending will not be without purpose or meaning. Again, I can never thank you enough. The doctors won't yet say that he is out of the woods, but today's teeny steps, felt like they covered miles.

P.S. ~ I am trying my best to get around to all of you to personally thank you for your support, I'll be there soon :)

Can these people please email me their address or P.O.?
Michelle O'Neil

Friday, December 29, 2006

I Asked for a Brick and You Gave Me a Wall

When Mark was in high school, he was the perfect student, until the middle of his junior year. His grades began to slip and I caught him smoking a cigarette. Now, Mark has had asthma since childhood, so this was a really dumb choice on his part. We sat down and had a very adult discussion about smoking and covered all the who, whats and wheres. I got the promise from him that I wanted to hear, but as I watched his back leave the room, I knew at that rational moment, he was really on his own in the world and he would begin to fully pay the consequences for his choices. Oh, I still had the power to restrict him, but I couldn't follow him around all day long giving him advice about each and every choice. This is a moment that all parents have. We know when it happens for each child. The largest apron string gets cut and we feel it. This is when we playback our prior parenting skills and either have faith in how we raised them or realize we needed to be a little tougher. Either way, it's too late, at this point it's done and they are ushered into the big responsibilities of mature situations. This happened for me with both of my children. The moment arrived at different ages for each one and the scissors came out at the beginning of some 'talk' that is necessary and cut that extra fat string by the end of it.

Who does it hurt the most?

The evening that Marks was cut really hurt because he was my first born and I wasn't expecting it. I ended up on my knees praying a parent like prayer for him. I remember crying a lot and feeling the separation when all of a sudden a seriousness fell over me. It was like God Himself was asking me if I really meant everything that I had just prayed? If I was prepared to go the long haul? Did I trust Him with my son? Could He do whatever it took to get Marks attention?

Now, I'm not saying that I think God brings horrible tragedies into our lives as tools of instruction, but I know that things happen to all sorts of people and these things do get our attention and I believe that God helps us to gain the most out of each situation. So I, with a little trepidation, gave Mark completely over to the teacher called Life. I remember holding out my hands, imagining Mark in the center of them and lifting him up into the Universe.........and then being scared sh%#less for the rest of the night.

Update #16 ~ Today when I walked into the ICC, room Mark looked extra vulnerable. He was ashen in color and I could feel him shaking under my gloved hand. His eyes were closed and his brow was furrowed. I looked questioningly at my husband and he said, "Mark has to do 'the chair' any time now." Mark opened his eyes to look at me and I tried to smile and I felt my lips quiver. He whispered, "I should have d//d" (I can't type the word) "Don't say that honey!" I began brushing his skin with a cool wet rag and asked him to focus on his breathing. I quietly hummed "Close to You" (by the Carpenters) a song we used to sing everyday, while driving to school. The nurse was drawing blood, checking the mass of tubes coming out of his body, in every which way and Mark said to me, "Mom, I want you to go, I don't want you here for the chair, it's going to be ugly and I don't want to have to worry about you.".......gulp....I sucked in as much air as I could because I knew I wasn't going to breathe while my brain tried to fully comprehend what he just said to me. It was another moment. He wanted to protect me from his agony! I have stopped typing and I'm balling into my hands, alone sitting on my couch, imagining....God knows what! Every ounce of me wants to take him back, put him back into my womb and keep him safe from all this. I wwant to go back to that night and say "NO!" to God/Life/the Universe and make this nightmare go away! My son, this... Man, wants to shelter me from having to witness his most agonizing moments and there is Nothing I can do about it! Are you listening to me? THERE IS NOT A DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!

I can't type anymore

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Walking the Path

Once there was a time that we walked this path together
my two legs carried us both with great anticipation of your arrival
I knew what you would look like, having seen you in my dreams
I imagined you were strong, rough and tumbled in my belly
but I had underestimated your strength, my boy

Once there was a time that we walked this path together
my two legs had a difficult time keeping up with you
I watched in awe, my eyes filling with the sight of your unleashed energy
hair brown like dirt and a smile like the sun
but I didn't realize you would light up our lives, my boy

Once there was a time that we walked this path together
my two legs weak and your hand gently held me steady
I take a glance and see you've grown and know you are a man now
salt and pepper hair, shoulders broad and on your own
but I didn't know that one day, you would need me like you do, my boy

Once there was a time that I walked this path alone
my two legs needing to carry us both again, anticipation for your healing
I know that you will mend because the world is here before you
praying you whole again while supporting us with hope
but I never knew the universe even cared enough to see us, my boy

Update # 15 ~ Today we started to walk the path before us. It was painful and our eyes realized that it was very long indeed. Not much of a change in symptoms, but a very big change in activity. Mark was put onto a funky bed that slowly put his body into a sitting position. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he concentrated on his breathing. His body shook with pain and his face turned grey, all life like color draining from his body. The doctors took advantage of his position and fitted him for a back brace. He will need to get up regularly now, to wake up his bowels and help clear his lungs. He has to do this with a broken back because that is still the least of concern. We are all wondering how they intend to get the back brace fastened around his still very swollen middle. His ligaments are torn on both sides of his groin, he can't move his own legs without breaking into a sweat. I now have to wear medical gloves all the time and I can't touch his skin, or stroke the top of his head, it all feels so...plastic and unreal.

He openly cried when we were left alone...and today, I cried with him. I cried hard, my plastic covered hands held his and we cried the loss away. My arms ached to hold him, rock him, run my hand up and down his back, but I couldn't, he is carrying a staff infection in his lungs and stomach and his hospital room door carries a big red sign of warning. Finally, when crying began to feel like the wrong thing to keep doing, we stopped and just stared at each other. Our eyes locked and we had a silent conversation.

Mark~ I'm in so much pain.....
Me~ I know pain well...
Mark~ I feel like a helpless child...
Me~ I am your Mother...
Mark~ This is going to take forever...
Me~ No it won't, not forever son...
Mark~ I'm scared...
Me~ So am I...but together we can beat fear and turn it into courage...
Mark~ I'm so angry...
Me~ You can be...for a moment, but then we must be thankful, because festered anger turns into resentment and that is the opposite of freedom.

****I am asking a lot from the universe. I am asking for help. I am a Mother who feels like I'm about to take on every child's wound and it feels really heavy right now. I doubt myself, but I do not doubt God, or You...because I think this is a shared crisis. I don't know why, but I can feel the united efforts that come from everyone and I am grateful and in awe of tomorrow.

No one needs to apologize for emailing me. Say what you will and I will respond as soon as I can. I need you and most of you I haven't even seen. How much more can we be connected?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Smaller Than Baby Steps

I walked into his cold dim lit room and immediately heard the different, almost musical tones, of all the machines surrounding his bed. He lay there, eyes closed, barely covered with sporadic breathing. I didn't make a sound, but my presence filled the room and he opened his eyes. I'm getting used to the fact that it takes him a long amount of time to focus.
"Hi, my love" I said.
"Mom" he lifted his head and winced. I think he still has that instinct to stand up whenever I enter the room, I definitely react to the instinct of expecting a warm hug, and my arms feel the emptiness. I have to don the blue rubber gloves and a face mask. He is extremely contagious with a staff infection in his lungs, that he received from the hospital. Leaning over his bed, I said, "How are you, babe?"
"Mom, I've had the most miserable day!" And the tears fill his eyes.

This is the average entrance scene that takes place, so far, for the last nine days and more than likely, there will be many more to come. Marks fever keeps rising and his pain increases daily. He had another CT Scan on his abdomen today because the doctors were a little concerned. We are all sitting in the waiting room expecting the doctor's update. We chat, discussing best case scenarios, when the doctor enters and ushers in the formalities.

Marks spine and thick skin kept him from tearing in half. Basically, all of his muscles and organs did split, they just didn't end up on the outside of his body. The Scan showed that his intestines are extremely swollen, as well as his stomach. This 2nd Scan showed that his lungs were very bruised and that he has a severe case of pneumonia. He needs to sit up, cough and work on the breathing machine every hour. Soon, he should be standing up to sit in a chair for awhile and hopefully, eventually, go to the bathroom on his own. He has no sounds coming from his stomach. so they are still in a paralyzed healing state. The question is this?

Sit up with his one and a half foot infected incision wide open? Sit up and down with a broken back? Get out of bed and settle in a chair with a broken back? Walk with all these issues AND a broken foot that can't have a cast? Cough and use a breathing exercise machine with bruised lungs and pneumonia? My eyes were welling with tears just thinking about these tasks. I am panicking as I imagine myself forcing Mark to try and stay encouraged while inflicting serious pain on him. So, then I hear these words...6 to 8 weeks....

6 to 8 weeks in the hospital? Possibly...yes. The doctor turns to go and I'm stunned...6 to 8 weeks, 6 to 8 weeks...and that doesn't include his recuperation time living back at home with us...WoW! He was in a severe, lucky to be alive, accident. What was I thinking?
I was thinking baby steps...small, but regular sized baby steps.................wrong. ~ Mark's steps have to be even smaller than that. Smaller than baby steps...smaller than baby steps...smaller than baby steps.

Is there such a thing as asking for advice, but you don't know exactly what for?

My EMAIL is now back on my profile and I am getting a P.O. Box for Mark. I will post it tomorrow :^)

Monday, December 25, 2006

A Mothers Instincts & A Child's Needs (***New Update #14***)

Kindergarten 1989

1st Grade

When our children are thirsty, we give them something to drink. When they are hungry, we feed them. We also clothe them, tuck them into bed and remind them to brush their teeth. But, what is one of the most important things we do for them? Who do they want when they are not feeling well?...

We take care of them when sickness strikes and it is Momma they want when they aren't feeling well. I have learned that these instincts never fully leave. They may become less demanding, but nevertheless, it all remains...a Mother's instincts and a child's needs.

Mark has not eaten in 7 days, nor has he had anything to drink. His broken back is the least of the Doctors concern...that blows me away. Because of his high fever, he has been laying on a ice blanket. He begs and begs us for water, his teeth are chattering and the ice is aggravating his broken back. (Normally, we would be applying heat, at this point.) He asks us constantly to take him home and keeps forgetting where he is and what had happened. He thinks we are lying to him, don't care that he is being tortured and he wants me on a regular basis.

My husband and I stay strong in front of him, explain each unmet constant pleading
and keep telling him of our love. We leave and drive silently home, each running the days happenings through our minds and it is not until we sit down on the couch, that we break down and the tears flow freely. Intellectually, we know we are doing the right thing, but our hearts break a little more each day and we start every sunrise affirming all the good. My son will be 25 in February, but right now, he feels more like a helpless child than ever. In his eyes, I see the little boy above.

***Update~Hello my faithful lovelies~

Today has been a very interesting day, a roller coaster of sorts....
The pneumonia is a staff infection that he got from the hospital.
His gaping chest has a vacuum on it to suck out as much internal infection as possible, this he must wear for 4-5 hours.
He maintained a high fever for the entire day and is in unbearable pain.
But, he looks stronger, to this Mother's eyes.

As most of you know boho (aka Denise/bohemian girl) is my lil sis, making her Mark's Auntie. Well, Denise is very special to Mark and he always had a crush on her. She and boho boy have taken one of the vigil shifts at the hospital, from approximately 7 p.m. ~ 10 p.m. Earlier, I had told Denise that I really felt she had a very strong healing affect on him. Lo and behold, during her shift tonight, his fever went from 102.6 ~ 101 (!) That is a huge deal because his fever was really the most perplexing symptom. She will be here for one more day (& shift). She and boho boy lifted his spirits tonight, made him smile and actually chuckle (which caused Mark pain) and she will return the week that Mark comes home to start his long recuperation. I know you all already know what a love she is, but my children mean the world to me and she has set aside her own life to give of herself to my most precious boy. Kudos's to Denise & Carsten!

Then, there is YOU!!! When Mark comes home, he will be reading...or I will be reading to him...every kind comment, every email and things that have come in the mail....from YOU! He is going to be blown away, as have I and even MORE healing will take place. I actually look forward to his reaction to this incredible, miraculous response. Bless you, Bless your families, Bless your continued support.......we are so humbled.

Update #13

This is Marks puppy named Breezy. He misses her a bunch and I'm sure that Breezy misses him back. Mark knows that it is Christmas day and he feels bad for ruining it for everybody.
His fever has gone up again and they opened his 1 1/2 foot scar to drain all the dead tissue that is causing a skin infection.
They are actually going to leave it open and let it heal that way. The only thing the nurse said was that it was going to be a nasty scar. At least he's alive.
He has developed pneumonia and they are isolating the bacteria because it is a resistant kind of pneumonia.
We are exhausted and I am battling a lupus flare. People are helping us out wonderfully. We are having meals made for us and that is a great help.
Mark will need a hernia wall put in under his muscles. This will be done a s a p.
He is more coherent today and does not want us to leave his side.
The good news, is that his CT Scan came back normal and his body is not reacting with all the transfusions and he is not creating blod clots. Yeah!
I hope you all had a Merry Christmas :)
I love you all so much....what would I do without you?! I can't even imagine that!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Not Out of the Woods Yet

First, let me say that I am grateful for my husband, my daughter Angela and my son Mark.
I am grateful for that stubborn streak I have, with all of its threads, that attach themselves in a different way, to every area in my life.

~* I fiercely love my family
~* My faith cannot be removed
~* No one can tell me it can't be done

The incredible vigil that my husband has been consistently keeping has been 'super human' and it again confirms, that he is my knight in shinning armor.

My daughter has taken up the slack with grace and deep strength. She has watched her Momma fall apart and her little arms have held me up for 7 full days now. I would be lost without her.

The faithfulness of ALL OF YOU has been life changing. Our entire world has taken some very difficult hard hits this past decade and your display of support (in the midst of the busiest time of the year) has restored my hope in all human beings. I think that you too, have been a witness, as well as a participant, in this phenomenon. I think there really can be peace on this Earth as it is filled with people like you. I am not prepared to celebrate Christmas this year, but I will never forget what Christmas is about and regardless of the outcome of my situation, I have been given the greatest gift of!

Update #12~ Mark still has a fever, but it has gone down a pinch. He is still loosing blood, but less than yesterday. Today he had a CT Scan of his head for his severe delirium. He had an ultra sound in his left groin area to check for blood clots. If it shows positive, Mark will have surgery to install a net to keep any clots from traveling to his heart or lungs.
I was leery to go and see him today, not wanting to upset him and disrupt any possible healing. My husband said that we are not out of the woods yet and if anything were to happen, I would forever regret not seeing him, even if it were for just a moment. I got dressed and went to the hospital.

I entered the room and quietly walked to his side. I rubbed his '5 O'clock shadow' cheek and whispered, "Hi my love, mommas here." He opened his eyes and focused on my face. He peacefully closed his eyes and let me rub his forehead. Then the agitation began and my husband said I better go. Mark said, "Nnnnooo I want these things off of my arms. I ddoon't want to be tied down. Ddoon't go mom." The nurse came in and started scolding him for struggling with the straps and moving around. He then said,

"Ddoon't go, I waaant tttoo huuug mmmy moooom!"

He wanted to hug me.....HE wanted to HUG me?.....HE WANTED TO HUG ME!!!

They untied his arms, put down the side bar and I gently fell into his neck and chest. His big man arms encircled me and he held me tight. I took a deep breath of my sons scent and with as much strength as possible I kept telling him over and over that I loved him. He had to be told to let go of me...and again he asked me not to go. I did and I stopped just outside his door and shook from head to toe. My eyes misted over and I smiled. I felt like I had just received my first kiss and the peace that washed over me was tangible.

I fell silent all the way home, closed my eyes and relived that blessed moment over and over again. I will dream that moment, I will wake up to that moment and I will press that moment into the most precious memory of my life.

We don't have the energy to celebrate, but I was given the greatest gift of all...the purest love from a son, to his momma.


Something inside of me is urging me to be raw, honest and not try to sugar coat anything. There is a part of me that doing this rubs against the grain because of the time of year it is. But, so many of you have thanked me for keeping you updated that I have to believe that there is a higher reason for this information to be put out into the world, than I understand. So, here it goes:
Update #10~ Mark took a turn for the worse today. He is still bleeding internally according to his counts. He may be getting another transfusion during the night. Transfusion #11. His fever is up to 103 and he has developed a large red patch that is moving up slowly from his most injured area. (possible infection of some kind) It is being 'monitored' which I am learning is the term they use for, "We don't know what is happening, lets wait and see what happens next) I now hate that word and want it removed from Websters. Oh, and by the way mom and dad, Mark has a broken ankle that will also need surgery. I was bedridden all day. Got up at 7 p.m. to throw on some clothes, run my hands through my greasy hair and ride to the hospital. We were informed that the ventilator had been removed. Good news?.....don't get to excited yet.
I cripple walked my way into his room, leaned over and kissed his cheek and said, "Hi baby, momma is here." His eyes opened and all hell broke loose. He was tied down by his wrists and he began to fight. The nurse is telling me about his declined blood situation and Mark begins pleading to me in a hoarse voice:
Untie me mom/get these f-in tubes out of my nose/why are my f-in arms tied down/what have I f-in done/untie my f-in arms/I'm in pain and I need my arms to move/help me mom/help me
I'm freaking out, rubbing his shoulder, his forehead, kissing his cheek and trying to explain that the doctors need him to be calm and he is tied down because he has tried to pull at anyone of the 6 tubes that are coming out of his body!
I calmly say, "I love you Mark" ("F YOU mom! Un f-in tie me!)
Now I'm crying, "I love you Mark, please try to calm down honey" ("F You MOM!)
Still crying, "Mark honey, mommy needs to go now, I love you, I'm sorry baby!"
"NO Mom...don't go!...don't leave me...NO!.......moooooom........!
The door opens, I exit and collapse into the arms of my sisters. I can't breathe and I'm trying to talk and explain what just transpired. I cover my face and see the nightmare seared behind my eyelids. I will NEVER forget this...EVER!
Mark does not cuss in front of me. He has always treated me with the utmost respect, loving caring, gentle when I'm special boy.
No, I did not take it personal. He is confused, angry and on heavy medication, but it knocked the wind out of me, just the same. Those seconds felt real, as real as the keys under my fingers.
As real as the PUBLISH button I'm about to press.............................
Update #11~ Some of you have asked about Brian~ He is at a different hospital than Mark. We call everyday to find out about his progress. He is also in ICCU. He broke both of his legs and has some bleeding on his brain. No brain damage, more like a severe bruise. One of his legs was a clean break and the other has more shattering breaks. We have been told that he will have multiple surgeries for that leg. No internal injuries. We pray for him everyday. He will most likely be going to jail after he recovers. The police findings show no sign of breaking at the dead end of the street. Marks testimony is that he told him 3 times to slow down and that on the 3rd time Brian accelerated and said, "let me show you what my car can do." That is a felony, plus his blood test showed levels of alcohol and something else. Marks blood was clean. Mom won't talk, but his sister is concerned about Mark.
As for me...I am sleeping and resting today. The lupus is flaring, but I will go to see him around dinner time. He is scheduled for more Scans today and will need to sleep today too. They are lightly sedating him so he can rest. As of this morning, his temperature is still at 103 and his blood level has not dropped any more. I am hoping for some information about the inflamed area around his side.
God bless each angel (YOU) who are saying prayers and affirmation's on our be half. I read them over and over again. They are my peace and a lifeline of strength for me. Thank You Thank You Thank You.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Self~Portrait "suffering"

Update #9
Mark still has a high fever and is too weak to breath on his own. They are going to pack his sides with ice and we all want to see him off of the ventilator. Basically, there are no changes right now. When Mark opens his eyes and looks at me, he scowls. Deep in his soul he is crying out to me saying, What is happening to me? Take this tube out of my throat. What day is this? Are you okay Mom?
Can suffering be measured? I am weakening, the Lupus is being challenged. Before I enter his room, I tell myself that he is lucky to be alive, I am lucky that h e i s a l i v e. Is that the measurement? People who loose loved ones feel so much more than I am feeling. Is that the measurement? It is my nature to analyze all situations. I am fighting this 'first born' ingrained reaction. Live in the la la. The moments and the steps are sufferingly difficult. We are all suffering in our own way. Each one of us goes in a different direction to grab a hold of some form of sanity, only to return so that we can walk into Marks room with as much positive energy as possible. Then we walk out and each one of us runs to our corners to sip water, force feed and rest. But in between each increment of moments we are suffering. We have cried so much that we no longer hold each other, our arms are too heavy. And then there is our faith. We each have these surges of tangible hope and then you walk into his room and he begs you with his eyes and pulls on his wrists that are tied down, so he won't pull out the tube in his throat and we feel our will power and our hope drain out of the bottom of our feet, and our smiles for him begin to fade, so we leave his room and flee.......and suffer.......and the crying begins because he is suffering more than we can imagine.
My solace is the prayers that I whisper or scream into his shirt bundle.
My solace is my family that is suffering with me.
My solace is here, where I can bare my soul, get encouragement and refill my cup because you are able to keep hopeful and rational and take the time to give me words to read that tell me things about myself or the situation that are hard to keep believing, but you convince me over and over.
And when I wake up in the middle of the night...and the space beside me is cold because my husband is at Mark's side, the light of my computer screen fills the darkness around me and I, again, read your love notes until I can't keep my eyes open and can escape into oblivion.
How can I thank you? I want to hug each one of you, individually and look into your eyes and give you a grateful piece of myself. I want to tell you that you are angels to me and I need you and you are here, faithful and loyal and beautiful. "Oh, God....let them know how much I feel them with me. I am not alone because of them and feel so gratefull."

Friday, December 22, 2006

Update #8 ~ "Breezy Colors"

When I look at this beautiful gift, I see colors, patterns and lines. The first thing that came to my mind was the mix and match style of all of the squares. Most people put them in a coordinating pattern oooooooooooo and this repeats itself and the blanket is also beautiful, but predictable. And there is nothing wrong with predictable. Predictable is constant, safe and steady. The mix and match style is spontaneous, fun and it catches the eye. It looks fun and it's personality says, "Hey lets go visit our friends on the north corner and have a party!"
This blanket was brought to me as a gift while sitting for those long hours. I held it in my lap and as I stared at the bright colors as Mark slept, my eyes invited my mind to a party in my head.
(Okay---I haven't had much sleep---bare with me here.
Life is not always predictable. Things happen and we have the power to react to those things
This blanket represented my life right now, today...mix matching, this color over here and that color over there and someone might look at this and think, "I would never do it that way" and others may think, "but it makes life more interesting and colorful."
I wrapped myself up in it, sat in the chair next to his bed. And I'm telling you, that if Mark didn't have a high fever, I would have lay ed it on him and said, "Mark, choose a square and tell me its story." And soon we would be talking and his mind would have forgotten why he is there, for just a moment.
Today was a rough day. Marks fever spiked to 102.4 and his blood pressure was all over the place. No wound sites showed external infection, so it is a guessing game. He was on the ventilator all day because he did not have the energy to breathe on his own. I stare at him, in the quiet moments, and remembered that just yesterday I was teaching him how to ride a bike.
Now all I want is for him to be laughing and ready to play with (Breezy) his Beagle.
A side and I are all the different colors too, but look how beautiful we become when we hang out with each other :-) A tapestry of love

~ Update #6 ~ My Security Blanket

It's 5 a.m. in the morning and I can barely keep my eyes open. But I must, I must post this first. What is this bundle that is sitting on the teal satin pillow? This is the shirt and T-shirt that they cut off of Marks body as he lay in the street. It was then that I saw his internal organs bulging out of the side of his torso, pulling the skin around them tight. I grabbed both shirts from the ground as soon as they left the MT's hands. They have not left me since that moment. Rubber bands hold the bloody parts neatly folded into the center where it can't be seen. Now this shirt is soiled again with my tears, smeared makeup and probably a little spit and snot. Today, I showed it to Mark. He recognized it and I told him what it was to me. "A representation of him," shaped somewhat into the form of a baby. Yes, I tenderly held it, cried hard tears into it, laid it on my pillow near my nose, so that I could smell it as I tried to go to sleep. I held it up and he just looked at me with his big brown eyes and said, "Mom, why are you carrying that around?"
Mother' I need to explain? No, I didn't think so.
The surgery took 2 hours. After, the Doctor entered the waiting room and made us gather around in the chairs. My heart tightened, I clutched the shirt bundle close, ready to cover my face with it to...what? Hide from the bad news? When the surgeon opened him, she found 2 small bleeders. Hmmmm? That wouldn't cause all of his complications. She continued to find more injuries, non-repairable injuries around both his small and large intestine. 1/2 the length of each intestine had to be removed. His colon didn't look right, she removed 3/4 of it. Then, the big find...a long length of large intestine that was black and about to rupture. (bad indeed)...out with it and closed him up.
No colonoscopy! :) I cried, knelt before her and held her tight sobbing, "Thank you, Thank, you!"
"Mark is a strong, healthy, young man...he may experience some eating difficulties, but he will be okay."
Back in the ICU for two more days of close watchful observations, tests and readings, but no colonoscopy...that was the "big Fear" looming in the back of my mind. Now, we make him work his lungs to prevent pneumonia, pay special attention to every tube entry for infections and then he is cleared for a regular ward room for another 7 days. As soon as he can do a little bending, x-rays to begin the assessment of his broken back. A good possibility for another surgery and a 4th for the rubber shield that will be inserted behind his stomach muscles to prevent future hernias.
Boho (my baby sis) sends her love and gratitude for all the lovins. I need her right now. We still have some hurdles to jump. No one wants to have Christmas this year. I pass.
I want to be at the hospital at 10 a.m. sharp. Mark asks for me as soon as visiting hours start. We have done a lot of long gazing into each others eyes...reading fear, courage, shared pain and love. No need for words, just the glisten that makes our eyes sparkle.
Update #7 ~ Mark is on the ventilator for possibly one full day. Doctor feels like the 2nd surgery was rough on him. He is in Morphine la la land. His blood is increasing and getting thicker.
His fever is up, but they felt that this is due to the trauma of the second surgery. My adrenaline has finally run out. I feel like a lead weight (with wings:D) Blogger tells me that this is my 200th post! I can't think of any other subject better than the positive outlook we now all have. Now my tears are those of thankfulness and joy. Now I can admit that death was hovering over my son and the prayers of people all over the world held it at bay. When I close my eyes, I see such warfare in the Heavenly realm that took place. Of course Mark is loved, but what kind of man is born into an era that his cry for help is heard worldwide? Early this morning, while waiting in the surgery wait room, this is all I could think about. Why him? Why me? This cannot be explained. I have read countless (countless!) comments of how this web of protection spun together like wildfire all over the world! If you knew Mark, he is a most humble man...quiet, polite and does not like to be the center of attention. I need YOU to stop and think...why did this story touch so many of your hearts? Most of you are total strangers, yet you wrote account after account of tears that were shed, posts that you dedicated to him on your own sites...why? I am humbled to the core of my being. I feel like the God of this Universe turned in my direction and loudly commanded death to go back where it came from and to NOT touch this man. That's powerful stuff! My knees buckle beneath me in this wonderment.
So, now I ask you...why has Mark's circumstances touched you all so deeply?
And know that this Momma feels so extremely grateful and blown away by all of this. I can't stop telling people about YOU. I stand in Awe of YOU.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

~ Update #5 has no title

Tonight, I have not read your comments yet. I want to savor them, read them slowly and carefully, so that I can soak up their encouragement. I need that right now. It is day 3, we have had little, to no sleep and the vigil keeping is hard.
My eyes see how pale and weak he is. I saw his angry huge incisions and almost past out.
My ears have listened to his moans and screams of pain all day.
My understanding has listened to his descriptive words of humiliation at how carelessly they uncover and expose him and only I know that he has been so physically shy and modest since he was 5 years old.
I can't count how many times he has rubbed his eyes today in an attempt to keep from crying and I squeeze mine back and fake my bravery.
I can't begin to describe how utterly guilty I feel because I despise the young man who did this to him.
I can't tell you how guilty I feel because I think the nurses aren't gentle enough, patient enough, they don't give me enough information, I have to keep asking questions, and this is "MY son and you're not doing a good enough job!" but, I don't think I can handle this myself!
Today I kept the rag on his head wet and cold because of his high fever. I kept chap stick on his lips because he hates them getting dry. I rubbed baby powder into his scalp so his head would feel dry and not greasy. I fed him ice chips constantly and caught myself doing that thing with our mouths that mother's do when they feed their babies...we open our mouths too. I know I did more, but right now I can't remember what else, but the worst part was my mind. Every time I did something, I was shaking on the inside and screaming to myself, "THAT I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT. I CAN'T WATCH HIM LIKE THIS. WHY? HOW? WHERE AM I GOING TO GET THE COURAGE AND THE STRENGTH TO WALK DOWN THIS LONG ROAD.
And I come to the conclusion...that I am a horrible mother. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to be in that stifling room either. What is wrong with me? I can't get enough air into my lungs. I'm so angry, but I'm more scared than anything. I look at him and I see myself. Why?
I told him today about you...that people, strangers all over the world were praying for him. He fell asleep then, and had the most peaceful look on his face. I closed my eyes and saw my fear, I opened my eyes and saw his bravery. I feel pathetic.
Mark is still bleeding internally. Today he felt the most pain. They can't even begin to help his broken back because his front is the more severe issue. We are supposed to find out if he needs a second surgery on his intestines and muscles...sometime...we are at the mercy of a doctor that we can only see in the morning and then is busy with other surgeries the rest of the day. They just keep giving him more transfusions. 3/4 of his blood came from other people. Is that okay?
I don't like me today. I only love Mark, my family, friends and i'm ashamed to be me. I'm so sorry.
9:17 p.m.~ Mark will be going in for a 2nd surgery at 1 a.m. this morning. His internal bleeding has not stopped and his fever has increased. He is taking it in stride. He is going to be okay. He is going to be okay. He is going to be okay.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Hearing Prayers with Earthly Ears

Update #4 ~ I first must say that the overwhelming support that I feel from YOU, from every corner of the world, is so appreciated. When I leave the hospital, I come home and immediately turn on my computer to read your words. Leaving Mark is so hard, I can barely stand it and just knowing that you are praying, even if you said the same thing over and over, word for strengthening me. I have bundled up the shirt they cut from his body, bound it with a rubber band and clutch it to my breast, wipe my tears and whisper back my 'thank yous' into it, while reading your comments and smelling his scent. Thank You Thank You
I was told that so many people forget their car accidents or other serious tragedies, Mark didn't...he remembered everything. He remembered using his hands to pull the rest of his body out of the canal, thinking he had broken ankles, not a broken back or exposed organs. He remembers each person that came to see him, even if it was ever so brief. He remembered me singing to him and felt the calm that lowered his blood pressure. He remembers that I told him that people were praying for him all over this world...he remembered, despite the amnesia medicine they gave him to reduce his stress.
Mark was taken off the ventilator and is breathing on his own. This meant that he could talk...and ask questions. We answered each one. We told him about the state of his intestines, the surgery and his broken back. We told him of the complications and all the blood transfusions. Then, he cried and we all cried with him. We just stood their rubbing whatever part of him was close to us and cried. He said, "My life is over" so quietly, with so much pain in his eyes. We all back peddled and began to reassure him that he has a lot of future left to live and a hard road that we would walk with him every step of the way, But I felt him squeeze my hand so hard and the presure broke my heart.
He needs more blood, he is still bleeding internally. By morning, we will know if he will go back into surgery. He will also be x-rayed for his back and determine the extent of injury. He will remain in the ICU. Later, he will need a large plastic guard surgically inserted under his abdominal muscles. The tearing was severe and he will be prone to hernia's. He has no idea of this or of the huge L shaped incision that starts between his breasts and goes down to his groin and around to his right side, ending at his back. This will be a harsh moment, as will his road to recovery. If he doesn't have a 2nd surgery tomorrow, he will become more lucid and may decide to look. He is only 24 and has no current girlfriend, the way he looks will matter to him. I am preparing myself for more tears that we will share.
Today I fed him ice chips and wiped down his face and body. For me, he smiled and said thank you. For every Doctor and every Nurse that came and did anything to him, he said thank you. When they had to roll him to check something, with tears in his eyes, he said thank you. He is brave and strong, polite and well mannered and I love him more today, I admire him and he is now, my hero, but still, my baby boy.
I will update you all again, you deserve it for your unwavering show of love and kindness. I am hearing your prayers with my earthly ears.
I will be getting to each one of you for a huge Thank you :)

"Mark...honey, you've been in an accident."

Update #3 ~ I woke up this morning because I heard myself scream his name. It was dark, my husband isn't here and the remembering comes flooding back into my brain. I panic and fly from my bed of drug induced sleep to get the phone, dial, I needed information.
J answers...he's crying...what! WHAT! "Mark needs another blood transfusion, he's still bleeding inside from the shredded muscle tissue." ~ Mark's muscles were torn open down his front and from there across his side to his spine, that is where he broke his back, that is what stopped him from being torn in two (his seat belt) saved his life. (Torn) muscle can't be stitched back together like a cut muscle. That is where the bleeding is coming from. That is why one of the many tubes that are coming out of his body, keeps filling with blood. That , and a tube for urine, a tube for the bile in his stomach, a tube in his lungs, a tube in his nose, a tube in his heart, a tube for food, a tube for saline, a tube for medicine, a tube down his throat...Damn it! There are machines everywhere, each one making it's own beep, flashing numbers, but the worst one by far is seeing his chest rise and fall, at a faster rate than is normal, and the loud pump (swoosh) as it forces air into his chest, that is black with bruising. He had one lucid moment this morning as his medicine had temporarily worn thin. He became frantic and tried to talk, J called his name and held his face and said, "Mark...honey, you've been in an accident." Mark remembered and he slammed his fist down on the bed. The nurse came in to increase his meds and soon he floated into oblivion again.
(The accident story) Mark and his work friend Brian were driving home from a work Christmas party. My son lives out in the country. Brian was driving too fast and Mark asked him to slow down 3 times. The road they were on dead ended to a cross street that had a big canal running down it. Without breaking, the car went through the end of the street stop sign, flew over the canal and was stopped by the impact of a large iron phoneline pole. I don't know how long the boys were unconscious. Mark crawled out of the car, across the water of the canal and up the cement side. He pulled himself onto the street and called us on his cell phone. We arrived as the ambulance pulled up. Mark was lying on his back screaming. When they cut his shirt away, I could see the big bulge off to the side. I knew...I just knew. I got down on my hands and knees as my son lay their naked in the freezing night air, that I was numb to, and kissed his face saying, "I love you Mark, I love you." The MT's pushed me aside. I tuned into the arms of a stranger and buried my face into her chest and cried. She felt like family as she held me tight and smoothed my head. My son drove away in a blur of lights and sirens. How bad were those internal injuries and would I see him alive again?
Mark will receive another blood transfusion today, remain in the ICU and I will make an entry later today. I have read and re-read your comments. They, and my family, are the only things keeping me from falling apart. I can't thank you enough...I can't thank you enough...I will tell Mark today that their are people all over the world praying, lighting candles and sending positive energy his way. He won't understand me, but I will and we both will feel the love.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

A Serious Crisis

This is my 24 year old son Mark. He was the front seat passenger to a very serious car accident last night. He is in serious condition and will be in the ICU for the nest two days. He had extensive damage done to his abdominal area involving his liver, small and large intestines and colon. He lost an extreme amount of blood as a result of the internal bleeding. Mark will be in the Hospital for at least 7 days. No Christmas this year,,,for this family. it will be touch and go for the next few days.
As a mother....i am shaking like a leaf, am in shock and live the nightmare of seeing him lying in the street screaming over and over again. FRIENDS... I'm scared! I have cried and cried and I'm still crying. He's my baby boy and we have a very special relationship. I'm devastated :(
Please please pray for him. he is a good boy and this is going to be a long haul for us all.
And specifically, I need the strength to be strong for him....if I could just stop this bloody crying.
I will give you an update as soon as I can...Thank you thank you Thank you!!!
xoxoxoxoxo Darlene
Update: Mark has developed a fever and they have given him amnesia medicine to cause him to be less stressed. He knows that there is a tube in his throat and he seems to be fighting it. There was a part of his large intestine that was quite bruised, but not torn. Doctors are hoping that this does not become infected and therefore, needing a second surgery. I'm so friken sad/scared/tired...I feel like a zombie. Thank you all for praying,
Update #2: I just got home from the all day vigil at the hospital. My husband will stay through the night. I need to be raw and say the facts...Mark has a broken back with no spinal cord injury. Part of his small intestine has been removed. His colon is nicked in a couple of places. A portion of his large intestine is severely bruised and the doctor wants to wait to see if it is capable of healing on it's own, if not, a second surgery will be scheduled. An extensive x-ray in a couple of days will determine if any back surgery will be needed. His liver also was sown and repaired. His ankle is swollen and bruised (that is to be determined). He tore his chest muscles apart in a line down the front and from his belly button around to his back. His skin was the only thing keeping his intestines attached to his body. His abdomen area looks like a road map of stitches. His skin is black and very swollen. He is on a ventilator and will be for 2 days. They are purposely paralyzing his body so that his internal organs do not move as they function. He is on high doses of morphine and still jerks and slams his eyes open in fear, confusion and pain. I sang Christmas carols to him for hours. It slowed his heart rate, this was good.
Me?~ Away from Mark, all I can do is cry, no, weep the tears of a mother, tears that hurt as they leave my eyes. I have the shirt he wore that night, that they cut from his body, wrapped up and I walk around with it because it smells like him. When I try to utter a prayer...all that comes out is "OH, my God, my baby!" He is suffering and the road ahead is a long one. The Police said, he is lucky to be alive. I believe his work here on this Earth is not done, but I would gladly take the pain that this lesson requires. I feel so lost, a nightmare that won't end. I am sick at heart and the only moments of solace is you. I will read these over and over and over and over..........

Saturday, December 16, 2006

San Francisco ~*~ The Hotel

Driving up to the beautiful Fairmont felt like a luxurious Christmas Celebration and the excitement began.

Every part of the building was a sculpture all it's own. This one loomed at the entrance.

A real honest to goodness revolving door! I had the idea to go around and around more than once, but I thought I would embarrass myself. Lo and behold, there were about 10 business men sitting in the lobby, so I was so glad to have gracefully turned it once, only to have the door behind me shove my behind.

I think my mouth dropped open at the sight of the lobby. These pillars were everywhere and beautiful marbel floors to match. There wasn't one place your eye could go and not see something fabulous.

After registering, we were ushered to the "Grand Staircase" Now, most people would be delighted to climb these storybook stairs, but I looked at them and moaned....until my daughter reminded me that this was the 21st century and they had elevators.

Beautiful as they were, my legs suddenly felt like lead and I was grateful for the more modern source of upward travel :)

So, leaving the elevator on the 6th floor, we were ready for a rest and the excitement rose to see our will just have to be patient to see that tomorrow.

San Francisco ~*~ The Daughter

First, I have to say that blogger was down for service yesterday for all of us who have not turned over to the new version yet (the dark side).
Then, my wonderful hubby helped me until 10:30 pm Friday night switching over because my computer got 'stuck' in level 2 of the change for at least 5 hours....I ended up in tears thinking I had lost everything...nope, my knight in shining armor saved me and my archives :-)
I miss everyone like mad and can't wait to get to your posts :)

Spending the days with Angela is always a pleasure. She drove to save me the stress of San Fran chaos maneuvering...we stressed anyway. The cab drivers are CrAzY...honking, yelling, cursing and cutting you off with no use of signaling. I white knuckled it the entire time and Angela almost ran over 2 people. Yikes! Not for the weak at heart.

That is her in the lobby of the hotel with the light green sweater. Notice how she is waaaaaay ahead of me, as I was already snapping pictures and embarrassing her. ;-)
(I do not know the woman with the camera!)

The terrible picture in the elevator is my lightning fast attempt at taking yet another picture of us before the door opened. (Under her smile she is saying, "Ma!"

The big building is her new place of work that she starts in January. (such a BIG building for a little snap of my baby girl).

Then, at dinner we had a cocktail with our appetizers...something I think I'll never get used to.

And, a rest in our room before we braved the rain and the grumpy Christmas shopping people, (who walk the sidewalks like the cabby's drive) If you're from San Fran....sorry ")

We enjoyed the entire trip and each other....Snuggle hugging a plenty.

Tomorrow....the magnificent Hotel :)

Update: Blogger is still being impossible. I am waiting for a response from the Wizard who lives in the land of Blog....if someone doesn't get to him first (:#) I am missing all of you!!!

Friday, December 15, 2006

San Francisco ~*~ The City

Between bloggers momentary tizzy fit and being gone for 1 1/2 days, I feel like I've been away forever. I am exhausted, but enjoyed the company of my daughter and the sights and sounds of the big city were, to say the least, loud, crazy and full of energy. I took at least 100 pictures (to the embarrassment of Angela) and had to come home early. My body just couldn't last, but it was so wonderful, just the same.
I look forward to visiting all of you, answering email and basking in the company of all of you. I intend on spending my entire day resting up, with my laptop before me and crossing all my fingers that blogger intends on cooperating with me. I am so NOT a big city feels good to be back in the quiet of my small valley home with the company of family and bloggie lovins :)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Just a regular day...

Blogger is being a grinch... (:#) not letting me comment, loosing posts and if I press publish and you're reading this...then I'm getting a break. Whooo Hooo

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Self Portrait Tuesday ~*~ Red

(Blogger ate my post...and some comments :(...mean blogger)

In my mind, red is a pretty safe color. True, it can be loud and is often associated with rage, it is one of the chosen colors that swirl on the top of a police car as a warning (or worse) it is often painted in dining rooms because it has a reputation of making one feel hungry, but with all that, red, to me, is special. Men have the power ties, woman have the lipstick. It is a primary shade and next to blue, is in almost every color.

But, one of the finest things to me about red is when I put it on my toe nails. Look out...I'm feeling sassy and my feet feel sexy dressed in red. I have special shoes that I like to wear, set aside waiting for the red polish to come out. But more important than the red blood that was spilled for you and me. Jesus hung on a cross and shed his blood, so that you and I can be a family. Not just pen pals, co-bloggers or email buddies....Family. And that makes red a very special color indeed. Yes, I am a person of faith and have been since I was a little girl. Red is special to me, indeed.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Candle Light Becomes You

Candle light becomes you
I'm not talking about your loveliness
as the flames soft flicker kisses your skin
I'm saying you become a light and like the candle
you dispel all the darkness that tries to invade my soul
allowing me to see you giving others enough vision to take yet another step
Yes...You become candle light

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Summer on the Inside

the crisp cold
and whipping winds
blowing around Falls remnants
cover up the brilliance
of the sun

While I
do my own covering
to keep summers warmth
inside my bones
a memory of light
for my mind

~*~ Winter is not a healthy season for me. It seems to exasperate my symptoms and the biting cold increases my pain. But, it is also a time for mental challenge because Summer gives me the luxury of a 'mind control' vacation. Maintaining a positive attitude takes work, being able to smile, on the inside, while you're hurting, is a job. I battle away the depression that tries to infiltrate my walls. Limited mobility makes this very difficult, but not impossible. I like to do, to go, to accomplish, to create, to move around at a fast pace. I have learned to remove my mind from what is going on in my body and put my 'awareness' in other things. That is the key to living with pain, you have to force your mind past the pain and channel it into something else.This process is what keeps me away from depression and helps to limit my intake of pain relieving medicines. The photograph formed in my mind during one of my meditations and it says this... "My appearance may look like winter, but my smile comes from the Spring, that is forever blooming, in my soul."

Friday, December 08, 2006

Fire and Ice

Just because you're cold as ice now
I won't forget the fire
That once pumped inside your veins
Even though you make me shudder
I hold onto the memory
Of the heat that caught my attention
With all things going numb around me
I survive because I remember
The scorch your kiss left upon my skin

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Son's & Daughter's are Good Medicine

their presence
big smiles
inside jokes
hearing laughter
retelling stories
brother teases
sister mocks
playful arguing
I observe
this boy
this girl
ying yang
more laughter
picture taking
embarrassed kids
my say
cold weather
warm places
mothers soul
open wide
feeling proud
heart filling
with him
with her
count blessings
moist eyes
pain unnoticed
lovely bliss
life's energy
healing medicine
around them
I'm peaceful
I'm Momma

(I look forward to catching up with you :^)

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Self Portrait ~*~ Red

~*~ A Cancelled Trip ~*~

My husband came home last night and took one look at me and said, "You are in no shape to be driving." I quietly shook my head yes. I became angry inside and red glazed over my eyes. I made a mental note to breathe. We changed our reservations for one week ahead. After such a busy weekend working, my body could not handle a long 3 day trip so soon. Lupus is unpredictable.

Switching gears...I adore the color red, all shades of it. This color makes me happy and feel great inside. I have a red wall in my house and always will. I am so blessed to be loved by people who can read me with just one look. To know what is best for me because I always want to be able to make plans and go go go. It gives me some peace to bare the physical pain I'm in, and the disappointment of the change of plans...again.

When the red orb
lights up
it's time to stop,
waiting for green
increases patience
and brings
the daughter
to the Momma!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Funky Love

I am leaving to visit my 22 year old daughter for a couple of days. Having just graduated from a University, she has moved to San Francisco, where she starts her new job in January. So, December gets to be a play month, acclimating to big city life and hosting visitors who will Oooo and Ahhh over her downtown Victorian 3 bedroom flat.
Therefore, I'm packing my most funkalicious clothes, which includes this pink skirt. When I want to feel cool and artsy, I put this skirt on and suddenly I am ready for fun. After all, I will be in the presence of a bunch of 20 somethings and my regular duds just won't do. Our plan is to do some decorating to turn her room into a sophisticated version of herself.
Days like these turn into precious memories and I am fully aware of that. I want to savor every moment, capture it on film and with my eyes wide open, simply enjoy her. She's been changing more into a woman with every visit that goes by. Unlike when she comes home for a visit, being away brings out the playfulness that we share. Moments like these strengthen our friendship, but it doesn't matter how old she gets, I am always her Momma.
My husband recently said something that has been lingering around in my brain. He said, that under all of my serious, first born instincts, lies an adventurous, fun loving nature that I keep in check. I don't pay enough attention to that part of myself and I need to. That's what I plan on doing for the next couple of days, I plan on playing...I'm just lucky that I get to play with my daughter beside me laughing during the day and snuggle loving at night. I cant wait to share all of my adventures with you :-)