Thursday, December 21, 2006

~ Update #5 has no title


Tonight, I have not read your comments yet. I want to savor them, read them slowly and carefully, so that I can soak up their encouragement. I need that right now. It is day 3, we have had little, to no sleep and the vigil keeping is hard.
My eyes see how pale and weak he is. I saw his angry huge incisions and almost past out.
My ears have listened to his moans and screams of pain all day.
My understanding has listened to his descriptive words of humiliation at how carelessly they uncover and expose him and only I know that he has been so physically shy and modest since he was 5 years old.
I can't count how many times he has rubbed his eyes today in an attempt to keep from crying and I squeeze mine back and fake my bravery.
I can't begin to describe how utterly guilty I feel because I despise the young man who did this to him.
I can't tell you how guilty I feel because I think the nurses aren't gentle enough, patient enough, they don't give me enough information, I have to keep asking questions, and this is "MY son and you're not doing a good enough job!" but, I don't think I can handle this myself!
Today I kept the rag on his head wet and cold because of his high fever. I kept chap stick on his lips because he hates them getting dry. I rubbed baby powder into his scalp so his head would feel dry and not greasy. I fed him ice chips constantly and caught myself doing that thing with our mouths that mother's do when they feed their babies...we open our mouths too. I know I did more, but right now I can't remember what else, but the worst part was my mind. Every time I did something, I was shaking on the inside and screaming to myself, "THAT I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT. I CAN'T WATCH HIM LIKE THIS. WHY? HOW? WHERE AM I GOING TO GET THE COURAGE AND THE STRENGTH TO WALK DOWN THIS LONG ROAD.
And I come to the conclusion...that I am a horrible mother. I don't want to leave him, but I don't want to be in that stifling room either. What is wrong with me? I can't get enough air into my lungs. I'm so angry, but I'm more scared than anything. I look at him and I see myself. Why?
I told him today about you...that people, strangers all over the world were praying for him. He fell asleep then, and had the most peaceful look on his face. I closed my eyes and saw my fear, I opened my eyes and saw his bravery. I feel pathetic.
Mark is still bleeding internally. Today he felt the most pain. They can't even begin to help his broken back because his front is the more severe issue. We are supposed to find out if he needs a second surgery on his intestines and muscles...sometime...we are at the mercy of a doctor that we can only see in the morning and then is busy with other surgeries the rest of the day. They just keep giving him more transfusions. 3/4 of his blood came from other people. Is that okay?
I don't like me today. I only love Mark, my family, friends and you....me? i'm ashamed to be me. I'm so sorry.
9:17 p.m.~ Mark will be going in for a 2nd surgery at 1 a.m. this morning. His internal bleeding has not stopped and his fever has increased. He is taking it in stride. He is going to be okay. He is going to be okay. He is going to be okay.

74 Comments:

Blogger a m y said...

God, Darlene, my heart breaks for you. First, you are not a bad mother. You are an incredibly strong woman, with a deep, sincere love for her son. You are doing what women have done for generations: protecting and nourishing your baby. There are no bad feelings, just honest ones, and you are doing the best with what you've been given. You are staying in the room, despite the lack of air, the struggles, the anger. And that is more than anyone can ask for.

Tonight, I ask a special blessing of peace and acceptance on you. A kind hug, a wave of realization that you are a wonderful woman. Shame has no place here, there is only love and strength and peace that passes all understanding.

Know that you are loved, that your family is loved, and that you are covered in prayers, hugs and well-wishes.

Love you.

8:15 PM  
Blogger JanePoe said...

There is no shame in pain, anger, grief, and fear. You are feeling - experiencing - the gamut of human emotions under incredibly stressful circumstances. You are loved. You are human. You are a VERY good mother because you are human and loving.
Peace be with you dear Darlene. With all my love, care and concern, Deborah

8:17 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

As Amy and Deb have said D your responses are normal for a loving mum facing her worst nightmare, the pain and near loss of half of her heart, her soul, her whole being, you are so brave to fight back your own tears even if it is a lie even if you want to break down and scream at the very thought of your child in this position at no fault of his own.
You contain yourself better than anyoe I know under these circumstances. Let here be your release with no judgement passed there are no wrongs or rights this is not black and white. This is your boy your love and your life never apologise for that my beautiful strong friend.

With Love and Hugs Prayers and thoughts across the sea to you my girl and Mark and your whole family. xxxxx

8:28 PM  
Blogger Teri said...

darling woman,

please allow yourself all of these unwieldy thoughts and emotions and treat yourself with kindness. when i even begin to imagine your pain, i cry. you are incredibly strong and brave.

sending many prayers...i thought of Mark several times today when i was out in the world. wishing a peaceful christmas for you all.
xo

8:29 PM  
Blogger dd said...

You know, Darlene, I read this and I somehow can so relate. I don't quite know how, but I can. The times we are required to be so strong and be all we can be to our kids no matter what they are facing...I just think that "not being good enough" mother thing is what we women go through.

I think you are incredibly strong and so brave to just say it as it is. You are in so much pain, that is clear. Mark is in so much pain, that is clear too. I can't imagine you being any stronger than you are being right now. The whole range of emotions are going to be there right now. That is what being human is.

I wish there was more I could say, other than I will continue to pray for you, Mark and the family. If I actually come up with anything other than that, I will come back and post.

I think you're wonderful and such a source of support. What more can you do? You are being everything to him and it is understandable with the fatigue factor and stress, to feel so confined in that hospital room, feeling like you can't breathe.

Just keep the faith that all will be well. You have so many people who have drawn a web around you with their love and prayers that all in time, will be okay....

But in the meantime, it is such a painful, confusing time and just dealing with doctors and their schedules, of when they can talk is so frustrating....

You are loved...

sandy

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Teresa Sheeley said...

I want so much to take your pain away, to relieve it from your body. I have written 3 different comments and keep erasing them, because nothing seems to come out right. Please accept all I can give you, is my prayers and warm thoughts. I am caring deeply about what is going on here and so much want to say the right thing to give you comfort.

Just know all of us are here for you and there is much love. It is amazing and wonderful to know there is still so much love out in this big world.

I think all of the feelings you are having are normal. You are healing too. It will take some time to sort through it all, things happened so quick, just let yourself feel right now and the rest will come. You are comforted in so many arms.

Love you much. Give your baby a big kiss for me too.

Teresa

8:34 PM  
Blogger swirlyange said...

Darlene.....I don't have any children, but if I do one day I would be proud to be half the mother that you are.
We are all praying for you here and sending love,
Ange xo

8:36 PM  
Blogger Julie H said...

Oh Darlene, I think tht this is my first visit to your blog, I have sat her with tears welling and a heart that aches for you both.

I have been your son, not the same injuries, but similar. All in the pelvic area and broken lower back. All your feelings sounds so similar to those my father describes. It is ok to be angry and to hate the room, the proof that your little boy is broken.

As a Christian I believe in miracles, as an accident 'victim' I believe in healing too. Have they told you within ten days most of the swelling is gone, a lot of things heal then, and others are more easily fixed. I promise you those ugly scars will fade.

I pray for you all now, that you feel Jesus sitting beside you in that room, that he will give you all a peace which passes human understanding, that your boy's body and your heart will be healed and made whole.

8:41 PM  
Blogger Karen Travels said...

I don't know what to say, but I don't want to say nothing because I want you know how much I am thinking about you all.

Did that really make sense?

Here in Charlotte, NC I have checked your site 17 times in the past 5 hours to see how things are going. I don't even know you! But I reach out to you and him and your family from so, so deep in my heart. So deep that it stays with me long after I read your updates.

I don't have children and I am closer to Mark's age then yours...but you are doing everything I'd want my momma to do for me if it was me.

8:42 PM  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

I do not know how I would react in this situation, how I would be feeling. I think everything you are feeling is part of the process, but know, PLEASE KNOW, that you are the furthest thing from a horrible mother or person for feeling it all. You're suffering so greatly right now...be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to be angry and to feel everything you are feeling. I would be angry, too, it would take me a long, long time to forgive. That is a road you cannot begin in the midst of this crisis. No one can expect you to process any of this right now.

You are a wonderful mother. You are a wonderful person. You are a light to so many people. I'm glad you can pour your heart out here. Thank you for being raw with us and allowing us in. I hope, in turn, it helps you heal.

I am praying extra hard for you tonight. We're not supposed to see our children suffer like this, it goes against every maternal instinct, every emotion we have. The fact that you are by his side, helping him in whatever way you can, that shows strength and bravery. Right now, you are my hero.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Pink Granite said...

Darlene- You are not terrible. You are not pathetic. You are a human being in good standing! How will you do it? One minute, one hour at a time. Small steps. Baby steps - like the steps you helped Mark take so long ago. Keep taking breaks, Breathe. Reach out to the people nearest to you for assistance. Know that we are all out here thinking, praying, caring, holding you and Mark in our thoughts. -Lee

8:47 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

Oh, honey. I know it's a different situation, but when my sister was so sick it felt like I couldn't do anything right, that it somehow wasn't enough. I think this happens to us because we feel so terribly helpless, especially when we've been the ones to make everything better in the past and this time, right now, there's no making it better. You are being a good Mom - all your Mommy senses are in full armor and you're doing exactly what he needs. It's you I'm worried about right now. Feel what ever you need to, rage, grief, exhaustion, frustration, and then let yourself know how well you're doing. Breathe, breathe, and let yourself be lifted. My heart is with you.

8:50 PM  
Blogger Jenny Rough said...

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you through this impossibly difficult time. You are giving your son exactly what he needs, care and love.

8:56 PM  
Blogger Apron Thrift Girl said...

Hugs to you Darlene. I found your blog through another blog and just wanted to add that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I know that the love we have for our children is the most incredible love in the world. I have a 4 & 6 year old and I would do anything to protect them. I can see that mother instinct and love in every part of your post.

8:59 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

sweetheart, your fears and pains are understandable... and what your son needs now if your strength as WELL as your weakness.

from experience, you have to understand that he cannot take lies from you or any family, he cannot take shielded truths... he needs YOU ALL to be as real as you can be so you all face this together and allow him to draw off the strength of his own fighting soul and the power of all of yours.
he needs to know that during this time, he can TRUST you all with the truth at all times. THAT is what heals.

stay true to your hearts, stay there for your boy, and he will persevere.

love you all.
B

9:08 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

Honey, you are being ENTIRELY too hard on yourself. There is absolutely no preparation for dealing with something like this. You take it one minute at a time and you do the best you can do at the time you do it. Of course you feel stifled, you are watching your child in pain. Your reactions do NOT make you a bad mother. You love him, you would do anything to protect him and take this pain away from him, and you feel like you have no control. This is completely different than being a horrible mother.

You are going to have a varied range of emotions surrounding this, and honestly, you are being brave, strong and loving...that is what you are being. Please please do not do this to yourself. Not one of us is perfect; we are human. You are going to be angry and not understand and question the why's and the how's. You are not always going to feel gentle about this. It ALL comes from a place of LOVE and protection.

We will remind you of your super mother powers, because we can see that by sitting with your darling boy all day and caring for him and talking to him and loving him...you are doing exactly what you need to do.

My prayers tonight will be not only for Mark's healing, but for stregnth for you. That will not question yourself in anyway, and that you will be gentle with yourself. I don't have to be there and physically see you to KNOW that you are a wonderful mother and human being.

So much love and healing sweet Darlene...and thank you for updating us again.

Please sleep and take gentle care of yourself.

9:17 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

you are a wonderful, giving, caring, loving mother and human being ... i keep praying for you all ...

your feelings are normal, i felt every range of emotion as i sat helpless in nicu with my babies and felt hopeless and angry and sad and worried and loving and every emotion was so strong ... my mom experienced all those emotions as she sat day after day with my sister in intensive care for months on end ... they are the feelings that come from love, that come from that special bond between mother and child ... i am sitting here typing, not really knowing what to say while the tears fall from my eyes,

but i do send you all the strength i have my dear. peace be with you.

hug and prayers

9:20 PM  
Anonymous Claire NZ said...

The feelings you describe sound like shock. The gamut of overwhelming emotions sound like normal, albeit very painful, responses to extreme stress. This will pass Darlene. Just being you is perfectly enough, without the expectation to be any other. I've read your blog for a long time - I am thoroughly assured that you are a kind, thoughtful, generous, caring and loving mum, wife, sister, daughter and friend.

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are his dearly beloved Mom.

You'll do what it takes because you love him. You'll do it exactly right. You ARE doing it exactly right.

You'll want to fix it and make it all better RIGHT AWAY. We all want that but it is going to take time.

All you need to do is take one step at a time. That is all you can do. And that is more than enough.

You and Mark have all the love in the world surrounding you...

9:36 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

Peace and positive thoughts from me to you.

Hugs to you and all your family through this hard time.

Lastly, you are not a bad mother, Mark is very very lcuky son to have your as his monther. He has the love, support and protection of a very awesome supportive parent.

Hugs and wishes from Tasmania, Australia,

LoveToni

9:43 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Darlene, you're a good mom and a good person. Being human doesn't make you bad and that's all you've described...someone who is tired, and stressed, and scared, and human. You're better than you give yourself credit for. {{{Darlene}}}

I'm saying more prayers for Mark as I head off to sleep.

9:44 PM  
Blogger Lisa(oceandreamer) said...

Dearest Darlene,I am not a mother but I can still feel your pain and it breaks my heart. You are NOT a bad mother, never have been, never will be. You are tired and scared and you want badly to be able to make him all better due to your deep mothers love. Like days of kissing booboos...it's understandable and natural. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself moments to step out just to breathe and regroup. It's going to be a long road and you need your strength and HE needs your strength. The anger you feel is quite understandable and very human. This is your child. Your deep love surrounds him like a blanket - I know he feels that and it will see him through. We are all wrapping you in our healing thoughts and prayers and love - I hope you will draw on that when you need to. Let your feelings out whenever you need to as well, it's so important to have a release. I think of him and you constantly and sending many hugs and healing wishes and love...to your family too.
Much love,
XOXO
Lisa

9:49 PM  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

you are a magnificent mother.
you are doing the best you can, and babes, that IS enough.

with love,
Leonie

9:52 PM  
Blogger Brown eyed girl said...

Grief is a strange thing...it literally makes us crazy and question the most sacred parts of us and our beliefs. I remember being told-- you have to go thru the grieving steps..Blame, Anger, Sad, etc. BEFORE you EVER get to acceptance, and that will be a long road.
Your strength is here, with these incredible people. Remember in Exodus when Moses could not lift up his hands any longer, Aaron and Hur stood on either side and held his arms up for him? It is very clear that those here on this blog are here to hold you up, no matter what.
Your strength is inside you as a mother, God has given you every instinct you need to take care of Mark perfectly, what would he do without you next to him right now? I'm sure your are his hero right now.
Your strength is in GOD, He has been there for every hurt so far, and used you to affect lives like mine! You have a righteous anger and you are in the right to have that right now, forgiveness is not overnight. Yell, scream, rant and rave, you are not awful, don't let the enemy feed you those lies right now, God got angry all the time!
I also mirror all the above comments I've cried through them all, these people are incredible and I am blessed by every comment here, I agree wholeheartedly with them!! You are our hero today!
LOVE LOVE LOVE and constant Prayers!
Michelle

9:53 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

Oh, dear woman...What would you say to one of us, if we were in your shoes? I know what you would say, because I have recieved so many loving thoughts from you before. You would say all the things these other people have said...You would say that we were only being human! That we needed to be tender with ourselves! That we were showing amazing courage and GRACE!

Now you must show this love to yourself. You are tired and emotionally vulnerable. These feelings will pass when you get some rest. In the mean time, listen to us now when we tell you that you ARE a WONDERFUL mother. And ALL of your feelings are normal!!

I would be soooo angry!! How can you not be angry!? This should never have happened. So take that guilt, and toss it right out the window, do you hear? I mean it. You can not spend your energy on it right now.

Your feelings are normal.
Your feelings are just.
Your feelings are a mess.
But your love can not be questioned.

Still sending you love and light, and asking that you are held up and given peace in your mind and heart...

Love, Amber :)

10:02 PM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

I don't know what to say, I wish I was there to just hold you. Be gentle on yourself, you are probably in shock, I can't imagine what your days and nights are like. all I can do is keep praying and I will! I will pray for super doctors and understanding nurses with extreme kindness. You need kindness and understanding right now, Mark is not just another patient to you, he is the most precious gift a mother could ever have, my heart is with you, my spirit is looking for someone to make it ok, help Mark live and heal, don't give up on yourself Darlene, keep asking questions, keep them on their toes! I will be asking for all this and more tonight in my prayers for all of you and don't doubt yourself Darlene. Stay strong sweet woman and let yourself cry when you go home. Cry even with Mark, he needs whatever you have right now, I'm going now to start these prayers, I am with you Darlene, my heart goes out to YOU ((((Mark)))))XOXOXOXOXXOOXO, Cinda

10:12 PM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

Darlene - there is so much truth and wisdom in the words of those who have already commented. I echo their thoughts and delclarations -
- you ARE a great mother
- you WILL get through this
- you NEED to be gentle with yourself
- we WILL hold you up through our thoughts and prayers as you walk this path with Mark.

And rest, please try, I know it's hard right now, but you must allow yourself to take some breaks so you can be strong for distance ahead. I'll be lifting up extra prayers for Mark's surgery and a good outcome. {{{{you}}}}

10:16 PM  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

As a mother, it breaks my heart to hear you going through all of this--and I so understand all your tangle of emotions. As others have said, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself whatever honest emotions come, and don't judge yourself for them. Love to you and to Mark.

10:21 PM  
Anonymous amy said...

ui don't feel that i can add much to all the kind and wise words of your community that has gathered around. other than to say.. having been a patient in hospital with a frightened family, i think sometimes what you might see as your weakness is exactly what your loved one needs to witness at that time.

i feel uncomfortable talking about my own experience because everyone is different but i remember that the honesty of the people around me and even their tears were all part of my recovery. somehow it made a frightening place safer. it also made me feel more comfortable showing those emotions too.

you can be brave and honest too.

everyone you say and feel is coming from the best place possible and i am sure that is obvious to everyone around you. try to be kind to yourself.
amy

10:47 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

my heart is reaching out to your heart dear girl. i am giving you some of the strength i feel right now. i hope you can feel it.

i know that somewhere inside you know this but all that you are feeling makes sense...the fear and wonderment and confusion. but know this. KNOW THIS. you are doing the best you can. the best you can. the best you can do in this horrible, unthinkable situation.
yes. you. are.

we continue to pray and keep the vigil. i hope deni is there with you now holding you too.

10:47 PM  
Blogger zorana said...

Dear Darlene... there is nothing new I can add to this list of comments. You are living through each mother's nightmare and showing love and grace and deep emotions with every step. My heart cries with you. I wish that we could help... A flow of good energy going to you and your boy. He is going to be okay.

11:00 PM  
Blogger angela said...

Thinking and of you all constantly and wishing I could be there to give you a hug
You're in my prayers,
Big hugs,
Angela

11:00 PM  
Blogger zorana said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:00 PM  
Blogger JanePoe said...

HE IS GOING TO BE OKAY. You are absolutely right, Dar. 2 more hours till surgery ... we're praying and thinking of you and Mark in this household. Lots and lots of love, D & L.

11:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have worked with kids at risk and I have seen mothers that don't care about their children. That is not you. You are not a bad mother. You are the best kind of mother...the kind whose heart breaks when her children are hurting. You are like a mother tiger...protective watchful and wanting only the best. Please know that you are a good mother. It is okay to cry...you do not have to be stoic. I understand your anger that a few moments of carelessness has hurt your son so much. Yes, you will probably forgive but maybe you angry is keeping you standing for now. Be gentle with yourself. You are such a good mother.

I have found that sometimes it helps in hospital situations if you can find one nurse per shift that seems the most caring and patient. Don't feel bad about pushing for answers. You are right you are his mother. He needs you to ask the questions that you have been asking.

You are loving deeply and so you are enough. You can do this...you can stand even through your tears and when you feel like you can't stand anymore there will be arms to lift your up. I will continue to say prayers and to light candles.

Peace,


Chalaundrai

11:15 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Debs right he will be okay there is no doubt in my mind. I will be awake with you praying with you holding your hand from here. I am crying with you aswell brave friend.

LOve and Prayers xxx

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

Dear Darlene,

You might be a mother, but your human too. There's no shame in feeling what you feel right now. I for one, don't think any different about you. I think you are a wonderful mother, a loving and caring person and I wish you will soon be able to smile again. He is going to be okay.

xo Sophie

11:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It breaks my heart to see you doing this number on yourself Darlene. How could you not feel the widest range of emotions a human being can possibly feel in a situation like this? Who wouldn't want to run away right now? There are going to be a lot of long, terribly hard moments ahead of you but there will be so many others that are of equal joy. Its just hard to envision that at this time. It would be for anyone. You are such a beautiful soul and you are also in shock and grief right now so please be good to you. As others have said, remember what I know you would be saying to anyone else who is suffering so. You would be so loving and supportive to them and you deserve NO LESS. I send you a hug as wide as the world and will say a prayer before I go to bed tonight for Mark and all your family.
Much love to you Darlene,
Alexandra G, (MM) (I'm not able to log in so am posting anonymously)

11:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darlene,
I do not know you. I do, however, know that what I am reading comes from a strong, amazing mother. You can't see that right now through the pain, but it is true. Please know that people all over the world are praying for your son (and you) in these difficult moments. My prayer is that one day you will look back at this day and share your story with those in a similar situation, offering them hope. I know there is hope for your son. People all over are keeping that hope alive with their prayers.
Darlene, I promise that my prayers for your son, and for you, will not stop.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Laini said...

Will be thinking of you tonight, Darlene, and checking in frequently tomorrow for word on the surgery. Although I am not personally a "spiritual" person in a God sense, I am a huge believer in human strength and brilliance -- Mark's, the surgeon's, yours. Last year when I was trying to find a good quote about hope for a Laini's Ladies design and I couldn't find one that was just right, I wrote my own: "Cup hope in your hands like a beloved bird whose wings will find the sky again."
All best.

11:57 PM  
Blogger giggles said...

Darlene I have a huge personal email for you....where can I send it? Can you notify me through my blog....only if you desire. Just take my blog name and add hotmail to it!
Thanks

Love and prayers for you and Mark
Sherrie

12:22 AM  
Blogger luzie said...

You're right, Darlene, he IS going to be okay. He IS going to be okay. And you're NOT a bad mother. Don't be so hard on yourself.. please..

These feeling are normal, believe me. I felt exactly like this when I visited my ailing grandfather in hospital. I can only imagine that seeing your own son in so much pain and distress must be 1000x worse.

But you've got all of us thinking of you constantly, and hopefully this will give you more strength to get through this.

I don't know you or your family, but my heart is with you right now.. and will be.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

I've only been to your blog a few times and, this time, I wanted to let you know your family has been on my mind and in my prayers.
I can't even begin to understand what you and your family are going through. However, in reading your posts about this ordeal, I know that you have the courage and strength necessary to make it through this and be a source of support for your son.
He is so blessed to have a mother who cares enough to do the little things and make this awful and seemingly impossible situation a little less grim. Those small things are all you or anyone (besides his doctors) can do and I am sure that he appreciates it.
Tonight...
I will pray that God guides the hands of the surgeons.
I will pray that He heals your son's body and relieves his pain.
I will pray for Him to give you and your family peace that you are doing everything you can for him - and that it is enough.
Prayers and love to you and your family...

12:58 AM  
Anonymous Lady Painter said...

My dear, yes, he is going to be OK, and you also are going to be OK. You are not responsible. You are not a bad mother. Your are tired, you are scared and you react like that because nobody has been told how to react in such a situation. You must think to him and to you. You must care for him and for you, at least because he needs you. And we are all praying for you two.
Sory for my english...
I love you from so far away with my heart

12:58 AM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Darlene,
Breathe, when you feel you cannot take it anymore and the angry bears down on you, then take a few slow deep breaths, and let it go slowly. Follow your breath.

Punch the pillow, yes, when you hear that voice inside of you saying that you are not good enough, or that there is something wrong in how you are feeling, then punch the pillow, punch it hard, or stomp your foot or splash water on the mirror, let your anger out in a safe way so its voice doesn't haunt you!

Sleep, take a clock with you, set it for 15 or so minutes and sleep. You need to sleep. I know you must be afraid to sleep, but you must.

Your love is healing to your son.

Just as a baby sees his Mother opening her mouth (like you said so beautifully on you post,)when being fed, you son sees your example and follows...trust that you are a beautiful loving Mother, who even though is suffering and scared, you are showing him courage in face of it all!


My prayers and tears are for %Mark and with you Darlene and your family.

1:22 AM  
Blogger amy said...

How could you feel any other way? You are in shock, misery, pain. You are not a terrible mother. You do what you have to do to get through this because you are a mom. You derive your strength from a God we can't physically touch, but you have tangibly seen these past few days.

I don't know you. I came across your site through a friend's site, and you've been on my mind off and on all day. I've been restless tonight, unable to sleep so I thought I check in and see if there was an update on your son. He is in surgery right now. Guess I'm up to pray.

1:24 AM  
Blogger The Mad Hatter said...

Dearest Darlene,
Your are a great Mother! Your feelings right now are so natural, if you didnt feel anything, that would be 100 times worse.

Be strong, take my strengh if you need it, I'd gladly hand it over to you in a heartbeat, to help you get through this, and please believe you will, Mark will, just be strong for him.

I have family in high places ... my parents ... my angels in heaven ... and I've asked them to take extra special care of you all.

I'm sending you big hugs and your always in my prayers. Take care for yourself angel X

2:39 AM  
Anonymous Suzie Q said...

Dear Darlene

I have only just found your blog via another, and just have to let you know that I, along with so many others, will be holding you all in my thoughts and prayers throughout this ordeal. I am a Mum, too, and can totally understand your confused thoughts, but you must know that you are the best Mum your children could possibly have and that you are loved so much by them. Don't punish yourself, sweetheart, just focus all that mental energy in a positive way on Mark.
I hope it helps to know that strangers from all over the world are thinking of you right now, and wishing you only the very best, always.
Huge Hugs and Much Love to you all from England. Endless Prayers for you & your family ((x)) Suze xXx

3:22 AM  
Blogger sewnut said...

deepest prayers for Mark, your mother love and healing.

3:50 AM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

I like you A LOT for being the most honest, brave mama I've ever 'met'. Watching your baby in pain, not knowing how it's all going to turn out.....how can you not want to run from that room screaming? Seriously. Only the strongest woman (you) can stand there without fainting and take in all the horror that you're witnessing on your baby. You are human and this pushes every button and every limit that one has.
Darlene, I've only just started commenting here with Mark's accident (but I've been lurking oh yes I have), and for what it's worth, you inspire me in your strength and ability to persevere, even when you might not be feeling well, even when your heart is justly full of hatred for that boy who foolishly wouldn't listen and drove too fast.
I'm praying that Mark's surgery was successful this past evening and again, I'm blazing healing thoughts out west to help your baby heal.

much love from this stranger, kristen

3:50 AM  
Anonymous meg said...

I can only speak for myself, but I feel certain that one part of me would want to run screaming into the night, never to return, if that were my boy. Does that make me a bad mother? I don't believe it, and neither should you. You are THERE and you are doing everything in your limited power to provide comfort and stability to your beautiful son, and that is what it important. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, just as you have been. You are exhausted and terrified and shocked; try to be gentle with yourself. I will pray that this morning's surgery will successfully stop the internal bleeding and allow for healing in that area, but I will also be praying that God will grant you peace and grace and a strength that passes all understanding today and in the days to come.

4:01 AM  
Blogger Constance said...

Darlene, I just wandered over here from another site. My heart aches for you because I too am the mother of a son and we are very connected too. I visualized your tending to him and it broke my heart, I could feel SOME of your pain in your writings. I envisioned how God the Father must've been anguished at HIS son's suferings. He wasn't helpless but knew that it was part of a greater plan. As a Believer, I HAVE to believe that God is still on His throne no matter how it looks to human eyes. That He is indeed "working all things for good for those of us who love Him and are called according to His purposes". Intercessory prayers going up for him and your family here in Texas!
Connie

4:08 AM  
Blogger Fern said...

You amaze me. You , your family with your strenght and courage. To share all of your emotions and feelings. The only thing wrong is holding them in. We are graciously here to hear them. To suppourt you in this time of need. Scream , yell, shake your fist at the sky, lay on the floor in a ball and sob and when you are ready we will take you in our arms and hold you. We are still here and hold you all in the light.

4:08 AM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Darlene, it is 7.00 am here in Canada, and I'm hoping Mark is out of surgery and you are both resting. The night Mark was so badly injured, so were you. You were confronted with every Mother's nightmare. You have faced it with courage and love. The fact you are questioning yourself as a Mother is because you are exhau sted, and hurting and terrified. Hold on, rest when you can, it is so important to rest. Mark will need your strength as well as his own.Look at all of the love and prayers that have been sent to you as a huge 'bank account' We have all made deposits, and when you need comfort, and help through this, make a withdrawal. I promise you, you will be able to do that for as long as you will ever need, and there will always be something there to see you through. I still can't read your posts without tears, and I don't know you, which only makes me realize what your family is suffering. The arms of the world are cradling you and Mark, rest and know we are beside you in your vigil.xoxo

4:50 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

Your emotions right now are completely out of control, and that is perfectly understandable. You are so upset you don't know what to feel. Don't beat yourself up over anything - you have every right to feel angry, furious even, with everyone. You're just trying to protect your boy as best you can, as any loving mother would.

And I think its natural too that you would just want to escape from that room sometimes - your body is telling you that you need a moment's relief from all that pain, his and yours.

He is so lucky to have you near him - I know he's feeling your strength, your will for him to get better, to fight, to keep going.

All of us all around the world are holding up Mark, you, your entire family, in prayer.

4:59 AM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

My tears for you just won't stop. Darlene darling you have nothing to be ashamed of, be proud mama.

A few nights without sleep and my patience with many things goes down the toilet, add the stress of all of this and I think it must be your bodies way of trying to get some rest-by affecting your mind.

The adrenaline is probably starting to wear thin also.

Baby-I can't imagine dealing with this any differently though- the vigil-by the way I felt these feelings when my mom was sick-I realize it was because I was working so hard to be strong and not show my fear that I needed a time when I could sigh-where I could cry-but often I was so tired that it didn't always come out easily. I didn't restore easily.

This is not easy, but you are doing a wonderful, beautiful job. You really are.

And I shed tears of love and pray for all of you constantly.

I love you

Colorsonmymind-freakin blogger grrrrr

5:02 AM  
Blogger EllyJane said...

you are a strong, beautiful, open, honest, loving caring mother, person... you are doing all that you can to take care of him, to take care of you. we are all wishing you peace and love and sending so much energy that we can feel your hurt inside of us. i hope knowing that helps let go of just a little bit of that pain, we are eaching hoping to help you carry this grief.

5:07 AM  
Anonymous Jodie said...

As humans we are capable of every and any thought concievable, but it is our actions that define who we are. Your actions are those of a devoted, loving mother. Never doubt that for a second. This experiance will test your family to their limits, but it will not break you. There is so much love there, and love will ensure you endure.
My heart goes out you and Mark is in my prayers every night.

Much love
Jodie

5:09 AM  
Blogger nicole said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Darlene!! And even though we are not there with you there are so many people thinking of you and praying with you.
Nicole

5:20 AM  
Blogger cjhively said...

My mom is edelweisstexas and I found your site through her site. As I read about your son, I immediately started praying. There is a scripture in the bible (I'm sorry, I can't put my finger on where it's found right now) that says "you will live and not die and declare the glory of God". This will surely come to pass because God is the same yesterday, today and forever. One of the comments you made about your son being single and 24 captivated me. Your son is a very handsome young man with a bright future ahead of him. God has the perfect woman for him who is prepared to love him, scars and all. He will no doubt make some lucky woman very happy. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

5:34 AM  
Blogger brian said...

I have read all your posts and am in awe at the love and compassion you have for your son.

I have you both in my thoughts and prayers today.

5:39 AM  
Blogger martha in ny said...

Please know that all of your feelings are ok. Of course you are angry and frightened and horrified.
You are going through so much and you are being there for your beloved son in his time of need. I am so glad you are able to share your fellings in your blog and that it brings you some relief.I am holding you and Mark and your family in my heart. we hear you and I am joining you in your prayers, he will be alright he will be alright, he will be alright.

5:44 AM  
Blogger megg said...

Sending you and your family and your son all of my most healing thoughts and prayers and wishes. Be gentle with yourself. He may be the one in the bed but you are all going through a major trauma too. Hold and heal all of yourselves right now.

All of my love and best wishes!!

5:46 AM  
Blogger mama al said...

My sweet sweet women, there are going to be ups and downs, and so so many of them...but don't lose hope, or faith...

You are not a bad mama, so,so, far from it...
you are going through the most severe kind of ache, the ache of seeing your baby in pain, and you are going to need breaths of air, and lots of them. Don't doubt yourself and your stength. You will get through this...Mark will get through this....

we will keep those prayers coming, and the candles lit....
stay strong Mama....

we all believe in you....

much love,

Mama Al

5:47 AM  
Blogger red sun said...

Oh Darlene - you're NOT AT ALL a bad mother. You're facing your fears right now, and it's normal to feel suffocated. It's overwhelming, what you're enduring, but you ARE enduring it. You're there, you're taking care of him. You're doing everything in your will to do, and you're so strong for this.

But you're not alone. You've been a mother to all of us, and so we're here to take care of you now. Please let us bear your sadness. In turn, we will send as much healing energy, positive thoughts, and peace that we can. We will all survive together.

Still thinking of you, everyday... Erina

5:58 AM  
Blogger alison said...

you are an amazing mother, you are, you are, you are. and the whole world knows that. you have our love all the way... *hugshugshugs*sszi

6:11 AM  
Blogger britt said...

Darling, if only you can see how I, a complete stranger, admire you for taking the role of mother 1000% and loving your boy so much and caring for him. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure the emotional rollercoaster is a natural thing in situations like this. But TRUST that you are doing amazing things, like spreading his story so the world can pray for him, and you, and your entire family. I can't tell you how touched I am by your family. How many tears I've cried. How many people I have asked to pray for dear Mark - someone I have never met. Be strong, be a mother, be a woman. Know you and Mark are in my heart every day. Many many prayers for his recovery.

6:11 AM  
Blogger ~Bek~ said...

Oh honey.... you are a wonderful person. I am sorry you feel so awful about yourself right now... because I could not think of a better healer than you.

I have Mark on my mind constantly. I pray for him countless times each day.... He WILL be okay Darlene. HE WILL.

Somehow... he is going to get through this. And that somehow, that is a great deal of you babes... your teachings.

I am sending so much love to you, across the oceans and into your heart.

I love you
Much
Bx

6:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darlene,
(mY gurardian)
Please tell Mark I am thinking of him most earnestly. I am glad they found the trouble spot.
Mark IS strong. Praise God! He will make it through this.
Hope to see you both soon,

love,
Diandra

8:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Darlene,
Just checking in. I can't help it, thoughts of your family have been waking me up at night. When I open my eyes, I think, "How are they doing? Is Mark still in pain? Is Darlene okay?" These and a multitude of others come to mind, and I pray for you guys.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a perfect mother. Percieved mistakes and all. All you can ever do is your best.
We aren't supposed to like people who hurt our babies...maybe in time you will come to forgive him. Right now, concentrate your precious energy on healing your family, including you.
Thinking of you guys always...
Blue the Spa Girl
xo

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again its me! Shadow girl... I feel the need to step forward and let you know that all your feeling are normal. YOu are a great mother. Today I will say a prayer just for you.

9:12 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

My dear Darlene, you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful human.

My son was injured in an accident almost 14 years ago. When we first reached the brain injury rehab ward in a children's hospital, I didn't think I could stay there among such desperately injured children, including mine.

I did stay, and I learned much from the experience. Like you, I felt tremendous guilt at my initial reaction. Eventually I learned how useless that guilt really was.

You may not want to be there, but you are. The realities of Mark's injuries may make you want to run and hide, but you are there, inhaling one breath at a time, exhaling the same way. That you continue to support your son despite your emotional reactions and your fears--this is a triumph. Please give yourself credit for your courage and your willingness to do what it takes to care for your son, including ask questions and demand the best possible care.

A candle burns in my home for you and for Mark. Love burns in my heart.

Blessings be.

10:00 AM  
Anonymous Loretta said...

No mother should have to go through this. I don't know if you are a religious person, or even if you are, what persuasion you may be, but your extraordinary words and desperation bring to mind the suffering that Mary must have felt when her son was on the cross. As a mom, I have always prayed to Mary to protect my kids and I will continue to do so for you.

We've been through some hairy stuff in our family, and I know that schizoid feeling of not wanting to be there, not wanting to participate in the drama, of having desperate, dark, guilty thoughts. I've learned to just listen to those thoughts, acknowledge that they are there, and then move on. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and revulsed; it's just human nature reacting to extraordinary pain.

May God bless you and keep you all the days of your journey with your son.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

You will get the strength from within and from us, your cyber-space family.

May love and peace be with you.

7:40 PM  

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