Sunday, April 29, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Q & A
Please excuse my absence.
I understand the freedom people are looking for when they "Blog Without Obligation" but, I don't know how to do that, especially when it comes to something that I've poured my heart into. However, I do like 'balance' and I am glad that this community is finding a way to accomplish that. We are all participants in this nationally recognised phenomenon and 'baby Blogger' is growing up. We are experiencing this firsthand and from the ground floor, just imagine what all of this will be like one year from now.
The last 12 months of my life have been painfully difficult and I honestly can't imagine getting through it without the support I have received from all of you, for this...I am eternally grateful.
~*~ I am experiencing a delayed reaction to the most recent crises that have occurred. The only way I can explain it is this...I gird myself to get through extreme difficulties by putting up walls of brick when I know that falling apart is not an option. Later, when it is safe, the walls begin to come down, one brick at a time and I am left with an unobstructed view of what has transpired. I realize that certain things will never be the same and now I must make my own transitions to fine tune these adjustments.
~* When Mark walks into a room, the cane, limp and the careful way he holds his body are all a part of who he is now. I miss the old Mark, the one I didn't have to worry so much about, is that okay?
~* My health has deteriorated and my last few doctor's appointments have all ended with the same conclusion... I'm getting older and living with Lupus is just going to be more difficult. They can only offer me so much and the rest is left for me to deal with. Just when I feel like I've got a handle on my circumstances, they change...and the spiritual lessons are endless and often tiring. It doesn't help that I am a deep thinker with loads of thinking time. Things often appear exaggerated or neglected and I find it all very confusing to figure out. Again, I grieve the loses and try to make adjustments with what is left over.
~* I must...must work on my website. Even though my focus and vision are locally centered (getting my wares into the surrounding cities where I live) time and time again, it is obvious that a business cannot be maintained without a website. It is no longer an option, but a given. I am doing this all on my own, have purchased the programs, brainstormed the ideas...I must put the wheels in motion, I have procrastinated long enough. I keep second guessing myself and have to constantly hush the negative voices in my head that say....I'm not even going to put these words into print, I am smart and I can do this. (:$)
~* I am going to release the pressure that I put on myself and take a blogging break. I am going to stop reading other's blogs without commenting, a very bad habit I've adopted. If I read, I will comment, I can't make it any more plain than that. For myself, I can't be working on a website project and wondering about posting and pictures. If I get an urge to post, I will. I am reminding myself that my journal book doesn't scream at me if I don't write in it and neither will you.
~* I am not going anywhere and I am never too busy for lovely email lovins. This may take me 2 weeks, or an entire month, I've never created a website before...I hope my stone age computer classes resurface.... ha ha!
~*~ Lastly, I am loving you, appreciating you and not leaving...just breathing a little :)
(This is the first draft of my business card)
love and see you soon! xxx ooo
Friday, April 20, 2007
Just Black and White...well, almost
Thursday, April 19, 2007
is a 6 year
She's not even
in full bloom
yet. Many baby
buds will soon
The color is
it hurts my
I have not
colors at all.
Now THAT would
be a RED room!
girl is only
2 and her 1st
time in bloom.
These grow in
top. Each year
a new row
Notice how the
protect the bud
until it blooms.
It also grows
an angel hair
to ward off water
Such a clever
This sweetie also
is a first time
bloomer. She was
knocked over 2
years ago and I
thought I was
going to loose her
shock. She looks
a little shy :)
The white is
so pure against
the vivid red.
And so ends our
for the day.
I hope these
encourage you to
warm up to
the more prickly
side of nature.
They're not too
fond of being
they'll give you
a feast for the
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I know the picture is crooked, but this is the view from where I lay. This is what I see. Much of my day happens here, what I call, "my corner on the couch." There are better views of the TV in this room and my couches are huge and empty, but my purpose is not to watch TV. This is where I read, write, spend time on my laptop, make my jewelry and talk on the phone. This is where I rest, laugh, cry, think, meditate, study and conduct my very personal spiritual conversations.
My TV is quietly on in the background (often muted) because it is my connection to the world. It is some noise breaking the silence in this big house other than the sounds I make myself, the turning of a page, the clicks of my computer keys, the clashing of one bead against another and the snap of my metal cutters. My hubby often stops by at the lunch hour and asks me what I am watching, "I don't know" is my typical response and usually, I really don't.
What I do pay attention to, is a news interruption because something critical has happened somewhere in the world. The volume automatically raises a few decibels and the intro musical tones alert me to pay attention. As you already know, yesterdays tragedy was the shootings that took place at Virginia Tech University here in the United States. I sat there and listened, cried and felt such grief for that community. Then I quickly posted the candle in their memory and later on, right before I went to bed, checked it to see if all was in working order.
Right there, below my candle post, was "My Rant" that I shared with all of you. My mind reeled as I thought about Mark and the miracle of his life. I thought about my daughter, who had just called to say goodnight and I love you. I thought about how angry and in pain I was when I wrote that post, feeling compelled to use the word 'Freedom' in the title.
I hung my head and said aloud, "and now all those poor murdered people had their freedoms ripped away and their families are burdened, bound with pain and grief."
We have the right to rant out loud and be heard, but in my life...it always seems that as soon as I have had my moment, I am quickly made aware of just how lucky I am and that I have so much to be thankful for...
and in that moment, my rantings sound quite pitiful, indeed.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
My Freedom to Rant
It bothers me that I'm feeling guilt on top of the intense pain I woke up to this morning.
The stabbing pain, the involuntary cramping, the overall dull and deep ache that surpasses my thought processes and then the anger that I feel towards lupus, as if it were a person.
I hate lupus and it is a mean bully that has a voice that says things like,
"I don't care if you are exhausted, I'm in the mood to hurt you."
"I am here to make you miserable and the pain will last as long as I want it to."
"When you clench your teeth, hold your breath, flinch, moan and especially when you cry, I know that I am doing my job and I feel my arrogant pride in a job well done."
Lupus is evil and it is all the things an enemy wants to achieve with the one it is at war with. So many times I feel like it is a spiritual battle, my mind over matter, the challenge to not complain and keep a positive attitude, my faith and belief system. All these things come into play.
And if I fail at any one of those things, I feel guilt on top of what my mind body and spirit are trying to overcome.
It is Sunday, a day that thousands of people are right now gathering in their churches worshiping the Almighty and Thanking, feeling Grateful towards and will share their smiles and well wishing with one another....and me?
I am here in complete physical misery and my only question to the Lord I serve is, "Why?"
Forgive me Father, under all this war, is a heart that loves You, no matter what.