Thursday, September 27, 2007

and the path veers to the right

With medical tests still to come and a more refined diagnosis yet to be told, I am leaving on Friday for a Woman's Retreat Weekend...I have been saying out loud for weeks, "I am going to Camp this year!" I was prepared to be wheeled in, if necessary. So, I made my 'list of things' to pack and began to get excited.

Lo and behold, I received a rather interesting phone call this morning, not only am I going to this Retreat, but one of the scheduled speakers canceled and they want ME to replace her!!! Me?!

I calmly said, "Sure, I can do that." So, this path that I so fiercely layed down the gauntlet with has already opened up a new and exciting door. :)

I've been giggling all day...and suddenly concerned about what I'm going to wear! Truth be told...I would do this in my bathrobe and the timing of this opportunity couldn't be more perfect :)

God is good

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

this new path

let's just say that the results from my latest test were not good. i have a new path to travel and i am in the process of accepting it. i actually feel some relief, rather than discouragement and both J and i came out of this with a different attitude about how we are living (or, not living) our lives. we have been stuck in a rut, waiting for some really big shoe to drop and that is no way to live. i especially feel like i want to do so much more with any energy i have, do things i have always wanted to do and spend time getting closer to the people i hold most dear to my heart.

if someone were to ask me a question like, "Darlene, you have lived for 46 years on this Earth, what advice would you give to the world?" i think my answer would be...always stay close to your God, plan wisely, but don't wait too long and never take your body for's the only one you get. I have many plans, dreams and desires to fulfill, i want to be a busy girl doing all of those things. i am going to open my online shop, even if i have only one design to offer. i am going to explore even more healthy ways of eating. i am going to visit with my family more often. i am going to spontaneously do things with my girlfriends and i am going to become a more aggressive child in this big Universe of ours. i was always the squeaky wheel in my youth...where did that girl go? i liked her so much more than who i am today.

poor health has robbed me of my spunk and sparkle. i feel like it doused me with a waterfall and i have taken a long time to recover from it. my light used to burn so brightly and i abused it. i need to take my years of learning and use Wisdom as my guide. i need to Listen to my body, but Silence the Fear that it sometimes gives me. i need to say 'i love you' more often, but also receive when i am being loved in return.

"ignoring life never makes you feel better, it only exaggerates the lonely isolation that it causes."

I said that quote, Me, Myself and I.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

the sound of silence

( my response to a very special email sent to me ) & (Friday mornings email)

Sweet sweet darling woman ~*~

Thank you for emailing me ...I completely needed it. I have been silent, so incredibly silent. I don't know what to post about, what to say, or even how to react to what is going on with me right now. I have been in the most immobilizing pain I have ever felt, for such a long period of time. By the end of every night, I am flat on my back and unable to move. Something in my abdominal area isn't right. I can't even begin to tell you how many different tests I have had...with no answers. Today I am fasting and drinking a bucket of gross stuff in preparation for a colonoscopy tomorrow at 10 am. I'm scared and thinking the worst. Silly...I know, but it's my truth. I am scared and frustrated, confused and trying to remain so very positive. My husband says I'm doing great, but he can't read my mind. I see the fear in his eyes too and it's like neither one of us wants to speak out loud what we are thinking.

My hope, is that it is an easy fix. If any kind of surgery is required, we are going to fight for a second opinion at Stanford Medical Clinic....a really big fight with insurance to get approval. I don't know if I am up for that fight. How can I blog and say...I'm almost ready to give up and I am scared have out of my mind? How can I say that I am discouraged with my God? Wondering where He is and what is the point to all of this? I feel like my life is such a waste of time. Yes, my husband says that he couldn't do the things he does without my emotional support and friendship...Yes, my children say that I am the one person on this Earth that they love so much and trust...

but am I being selfish to want something more than that? I want to teach the woman's bible study, I want to get my jewelry business up and running, heck, I just want to go to church?!

I hate lupus...and right now I'm not that crazy about me either. I needed this rant, please don't feel like you have to respond and solve any of my problems, I just appreciated the soft hug of you reaching out.

Thank you, my love
warm hugs
XOXO Darlene

( the email I sent to my family this morning)


It is 6am and my nerves, on top of the pain, are keeping me awake. Yesterday was horrible. I cried like a baby on the bathroom floor. The Bowel formula didn't react with me very well and I had the IBS attack of a lifetime. I've had cluster migraines for the last 3 days on top of that. I was in the bathroom from 6pm until 11pm. Then, got up every hour after that. Jay is going to have to wheel me into the hospital today.

I am bone weary. I'm looking forward to the sleep that will come when this procedure is finished. I'm hanging on by threads right now. Long ago, Jesus cried in a garden, bathrooms have always seemed to be my place to be a raw human being. Thank God He meets us even there.

I love you all, please say a prayer for J, this is so extremely hard on him. I think that seeing someone you love suffer, is a cross equally hard to bare. He will report back to you any results from today.

I'm starving for something solid and non-nutritious, like a maple nut scone and a green tea frappichino. All I've eaten in the last 36 hours is 2 quarts of some thick soapy concoction that tried to imitate 7up.

Lemon Lime sucks

xoxoxo Dar