Tuesday, February 27, 2007

A Childlike Woman Kid

I'm not sleeping well.
I've been having
terrible insomnia...
I'm talking about,
it's 4 a.m.
and I feel wide awake.
I absolutely dislike
laying in bed wide awake,
so I find myself in other parts
of the house
in a zombie like

On the rare occasion when I do fall asleep, I'm having terrible nightmares. All my nightmares have water in them and there is usually some form of flooding, uncontrollable waves, or something dangerous is in the water and so am I. Hubby says that I've been screaming in my sleep and thrashing about.

Also, I go through these really weird days now and then, where I feel completely detached from myself. It's as if I'm sleep walking or looking at myself from the outside and I literally 'feel' nothing. I day dream like crazy and I catch myself staring at things, but I look right through them and my brain is numb. I mean...if you were to ask me, "What were you just thinking about?" I would respond, "Nothing." I've suffered from depression off and on, so I know what that feels like. This is not depression...I don't feel sad, I don't cry or think negative thoughts...I'm just here. I'm taking up space, breathing in air and one day melts into the next at a sort of slow motion speed. I've decided to make an appointment with my counselor and in the meantime, recently spent some time in research mode. You know what I came up with?

PTSD ~ Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! I should have had an epiphany moment, but I didn't. I felt shocked and said, "What the heck?" I can't even embrace that diagnosis right now. I immediately turned off my computer and kind of freaked out. When I talk about it, I feel like I'm talking about someone else.

So, I'm sort of in limbo. In the last 6 months my health has rapidly deteriorated, my daughter moved farther away because she got 'the job' in the big city and my son almost died.

Yea, I've got a lot on my plate, but lupus and PTSD sounds really scary together.

And once again.... I'm a 45 year old woman, who feels like a child living in a really big big world and I'm so small that someone or something could just swallow me whole.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Pink ~*~ but not Tickled

It's very late Saturday night and I've been anxious all day. You know those days when the anxiety is there and no explanation for why? Well, there's always a reason, we just might not know what it is yet. I noticed myself being rather clingy to my hubby yesterday and most of today. He printed out his plane ticket and the sound of the printer caught my attention to remind me that he was leaving for a 3 day seminar tomorrow.

Ahhhhhh...that's what the anxiety was all about. Our lives have been turned upside down for the last 2 months and he was going away for the first time since Marks accident. It's times like these that I realize just what a rock he is in my life. We've been a team, emotional pillars for one another and now he was leaving.

Before I even began to entertain any "What ifs" I reminded myself that I'm a big girl and 3 days will go by rather quickly. He's excited to go and I don't blame him, I would be excited too. I'm going to miss him extra...more than the normal amount because I think we have finally been feeling the closeness and the togetherness that this recent crisis has given us.

Friday, February 23, 2007

The Storm that's Over Before it's Done

Clouds shaped
with perfection
by hands familiar
with their
texture and feel.

The storm
and nature
awaits the rain,
longing and

Both hail
and rain fall
from the sky
and the Earth
feels it's blessing.

And once again
we are
that His

are true.

And when
the rain is done,
the flowers,
wet and in

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

First the Sky

I was riding in the passenger seat of my husbands truck. A combination of bad shocks and the fact that we were running late, only added to the countless number of times that I squeezed my eyes shut and white knuckled the handle on the dashboard. Needless to say, it was a very painful ride, which was fine because we were on the way to my doctors appointment. I sat back to relax at a stoplight and my eyes enjoyed the bright clear blue of the morning sky. It took awhile to notice the round shatter in the windshield right in front of me. I frowned as I stared at this scar that now obstructed my view of the perfect sky, but it soon turned into a smile as I thought...isn't life just like that? I was just glad that my natural instinct was to see the blue sky first.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Definitely... Not the Swan

Yesterday we had a houseful of people, mostly family members, to celebrate a birthday. Mark will be turning 25 on Tuesday. He looked wonderful, handsome and very glad to be alive. I wasn't feeling well and plunked myself on the couch to be an active observer of the festivities. It was mentioned more than once, just how much gratitude we all felt that there was even a birthday of his to celebrate. Sitting there, I could feel the energy in the room and see the smiles on everyones faces. The conversations were animated and my eyes still can't be filled enough with the sight of Mark. Because I was there at the scene of the accident, the image of his mangled person slips into my mind unannounced, so the life that he emulates now, still feels like a gift. I don't recommend for any mother to see what I did, but no force on earth could have kept me from going, after he called and I heard the eerie calm in his voice.

So, it wasn't hard to smile with all that happy laughter coming from these people that I love, but after they leave, I am left physically emptied of every ounce of energy that I have. Crowds do a number on me, it is a phenomenon that I will never understand. As each hour goes by, I can literally feel the strength leaving my body. I didn't do any of the cooking and cleaning. All I had to do was sit there and on another day I might have even said....and look pretty, but I was anything but that.

I have gained weight and it shows.

Between taking different medications, low energy levels and dealing with pain, I have found a new way to deal with the comfort that I need... cold~sweet~calorie filled~ frappichinos. Food has never brought comfort to me, but now I understand it's pull. I actually feel better when I have one. The cold liquid soothes the pain in my chest and the sugary yummy taste is something I crave. It's satisfaction is very temporary, but I deal with so much pain and fatigue, a few moments of comfort seem so worth it to me. Now, months later, 10 more pounds have accumulated and the fact that I have gained some weight was said out loud.

It hurt
I cried
But I won't undress in front of anyone
Most of my clothes are uncomfortable
And the worst thing is
I know it's true
And now, all I feel
is Fat

I need to make some changes in my life and I really don't want to.

Friday, February 16, 2007

What Do You Do With Your Lemons?

"When life gives you lemons....make lemonade"

Oi...I thought about that little diddy all day long...ironically, I'm allergic to citrus, so lemonade would give me a migraine. I've changed it to better suite my life..."When life gives you lemons...go to Starbucks!"
~*~Everyone who knows me, just rolled their eyes :-) and no, my picture has nothing to do with lemons. I just thought it was pretty.

So, yesterday I told you about my really terrible horrible no good very bad day and I hung out with all of my lemons. I felt sorry for myself, had a pity party, talked my mom's ear off and then spent the rest of my day with my bff. We literally sat on the couch chatting until the sun began to go down and we slowly turned into shadows as she shared her vacation stories that included almost drowning in the ocean, while trying to take a picture for a friend.

We cried together (not about her almost drowning) and we laughed (also, not about her almost drowning) but, the best part had to be the laughing.
We laughed...
We laugh all the time...
We laughed the entire time we spent together!
We even talked about laughing...specifically, the effect of hearing the laughter of someone you love. After she left, I conjured up the recent sound of Mark laughing in his room, I mean a real belly laugh and it sounded so wonderful. Then, a few days ago, Mark and I were talking and something we said hit us both and we couldn't stop laughing! He was in pain, holding his newly healing stomach and that made everything even more funny.

Why is it, that when you can't laugh, things seem more funny?

Well, I laughed out loud, to myself as I thought about laughter... and yesterdays complaints dissipated. So, I have decided to change, yet again, the lemon statement...

"When life gives you lemons...laugh... and then drink the beverage of your choice from a cup like this"..........(thank you dear sweet Lisa ;-) and thank you all for being so kind to listen to my ranting, that eventually turned into laughter. Your wonderful words helped to get me there!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Can We See the Elephant Lying in the Pearls?

Valentines day is over and I must confess to being a party pooper for this one. I think I'm still a little raw from Marks accident and I wasn't quite ready to celebrate yet, however Mark spent the day with his 'friend' of the female type, at his own house down the street from us. Our house felt strangely empty and my mind kept wandering over to the bedroom that he is staying in, feeling like I needed to bring in water, juice or a milkshake. Nope, he's not here today. So, what did I do on Valentines Day?....

We talked about the Elephant that shows up once in a while...you know, the one that everyone ignores until his size becomes so enormous and you can no longer avoid him. Oh...we see the pearls, the counted blessings, all the reasons to be thankful...Yet, smack dab in the center of all those wise orbs sits our Elephant. His name is "Stress" and this household has had it's share of it for waaaaaay too long now. Some people thrive on stress, I don't. Some people like to stir things up, I don't. Some people like to be in complete control, I don't function well living in any of those atmosphere's. Therefore...I need a good, old fashioned rant!

Sometimes: (please say this word before each sentence)

I resent being sick.
I think people who aren't sick take good health for granted and it makes me angry.
I want people to just show up at my doorstep prepared to help me, instead of waiting for me to have to ask them.
I want to smack people who tell me that I look fine.
I feel like my self worth is slowly being siphoned from my person.
I take my medicine regularly, but in my heart, I hate each stinkin pill.
I wonder what the hell is there left for me to do...to accomplish.
I feel like no one understands the intense loneliness that chronic illness brings.
I feel like my prayers hit the ceiling and fall to the ground.

Some of you may be wondering, "Why in the world would she feel any of this right after her son survived and lived through such a terrible accident?"

The answer is....because I am a human being, I'm tired, I'm sick of being sick and Mark is no longer the center of our focus. Now that I am done wearing my 'nurturing' hat, I'm back to being just plain, predictable me. It gets old.

Sorry, Hope my blues didn't bleed into your laundry.

Monday, February 12, 2007

We Will Never Forget.......

I will never forget taking this picture, just days before Mark's accident. He was wearing these very same cloths that night. The Jacket he protected because it was a gift, the shirt cut from his body by the EMT, that I wrapped into a roll because it had his smell and the pants, well...we didn't care about those, but he did! (They were brand new).

I will never forget the day he came home. This picture was taken today. Mark had lost 45 total pounds and I respectfully did not take his picture then. He said it would hurt to see himself like that. I don't blame him, because he did look ghastly. Here, he has gained back 10 pounds and little does he know, the pure joy I felt taking these pictures. Seeing that genuine smile again made it hard to focus the lens, as my eyes were welling with tears.

Yes, Mark uses a walker and hops, to get around and probably will for quite some time. He didn't want his back brace in the picture either. We are pending a couple of doctor's appointments for different evaluations regarding back surgery. I'll keep you posted about that. None of us are eager for a 4th surgery, but are confident that the right timing and decision will be made.

This is the Mark that I know and love. If you can't figure out what he might be saying, it's, "Geez mom, how many pictures are you going to take?" He should know better!

So, although this story is not yet over. it is safe to say that this healthy man is the result of many prayers, positive vibrations and people all over the world uniting in an effort to see him through a tragedy. He is a walking miracle and someone this blogousphere will never forget.

Mark thanks you, my entire family thanks you...and I cherish the friends that I have made because of this. I would not have survived without you....

Friday, February 09, 2007

I G Y B Mark

Yesterday Mark saw his doctor. He got a good report about his broken ankle
and his internal organs are healing at a regular rate. His broken back?.....
not so good.

When he was in the hospital, the concentration was mainly on his internal organs, which are healing every day at a very hearty snails pace :^) But, after some extensive x-rays, the cracks (more than one) were blatant and Mark said it was very hard to look at the illuminated pictures and actually believe they were his. Back surgery is looking imminent. Just a jolt in the right place, could cause serious spinal cord damage and none of us will say the "P" word, out loud. We are going to get more than one opinion, hoping to make the right decision, in the end.

Yesterday was the hardest emotional day I've seen him have, so far. Reality seemed to crash down and we
shared some tears. As a momma, you just want it all to be happening to yourself, rather than your child. I rubbed his head, called him, "Mon chi chi" (my little monkey), and he gave me a small smile through his tears. He knows that life will never be the same and he is grieving that loss. (Cry it all out Mark...~~~~~~~~
then let it go~~~~~~~~)

He is THE most brave human being I know.

Bless you dear dear Mark. I love you, forever, Momma

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Sharp Burning

There is no use
In fighting the flame
Avoiding the heat
The cut of the blade

No profit in leaving
Not feeling the pain
Or turning your back
There's nothing to gain

You're given a moment
A chance to decide
To take on the challenge
And face every plight

Your palms face to face
A bend in your knees
A humble request
Of all that you need

The joining of others
All family and friends
Each carry the burden
Right down to the end

And after the burning
Each flame touched to skin
All cuts from the blade
Cause bleeding within

In this place of learning
When pain is your school
You question your faith
And all of man's rules

So all that's left over
What lies in your heart
Is what you believe in
From ending to start

In all there is spirit
Believe it or nay
This fact does not matter
When grief is in play

With hardship there's learning
In each, a degree
We carry forever
and set ourselves free

And what are we free from
Not hardship or woe
Not sorrow or fear
Testing all that we know?

The most precious lesson
Of all that is taught
Is knowing contentment
When all appears lost

Contentment and trusting
In what we believe
Our minds may be blind
But our hearts He does see

by darlene

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

"A Charmed Life"

*** Angel in need

Seven weeks have passed since Mark's car accident and I can say that it doesn't take very long to realize that we all live charmed lives. I don't have an answer for the bad things that happen, but I can truthfully say that given just a little time and faith, the blessings and gems begin to crop up.

I can tell you that more days than not, Mark wakes up with a smile. I can tell you that when my eyes fill with his image, I feel peace. I can tell you that we are never alone, nor should we entertain the idea that we are alone...this is impossible. Through our connections and the love of mankind for one another that we feel deep down inside, with all of our bloggie family, our battles become bearable as each one of us takes away their willing piece of the discomfort.

I am only just now slowing down enough to finally stand back and see some of the big picture...and indeed, it resembles a puzzle. We are the pieces, we are the blessings, we are the charms.

And with each other...we all live charmed lives and in the end, we get to open the surprise that has been neatly prepared for us to share.

I feel so deeply grateful to be part of such a diverse family, that all share the commom emotion of love.

Think about the charms in your life today :)

*** please pray for the sweet boy of nina beana...go there and look at his adorable face, read his short story and let it tug at your heart. He is an angel on earth that needs our love, as does his momma. Thank You ***Darlene

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The Great Ones Play Hurt...

Being that today is Super Bowl Sunday, my entire neighborhood participates. Angela's husband makes the GREATest BBQ. All the men gather together to watch the game in a TV ready garage. Cars get moved and portable chairs come out and the "Garage Dad's" begin their yearly ritual. This morning as our TV was turned on, football past, present and future permeated every channel in some manner or another and I heard this quote, "The Great Ones Play Hurt."

As I looked around at my little nook in the family room where I can be with everyone and work at the same time, I resonated with the words. Often, when I am feeling under par, I still have to be creating something with my hands. I may be hurting, but the concentration that it takes to make a necklace, bracelet or a pair of earrings is slowly distracted away into what is being manipulated in my hands.

I enjoy what I do and its lulling nature gives me a space to meditate, say prayers and think beautiful positive things, that I hope is felt when someone dons any of my wares. None of this ever feels like work, it feels like play, so that word being part of the quote, caused it to stand out and I smiled. I know they were referring to 'football' players, but I thought it could be said of many others..."The Great Ones Play Hurt" and today I'm feeling pretty great.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Vegas with a U

In the middle of your breast bone, a little over to the left side, is a nerve that is called 'the Vegus nerve.' Most people never even know it exists unless you have something happen that involves it.

Often, if you are prone to having anxiety attacks and you feel a pain in your chest, it is the Vegus nerve that is being stimulated. Many people have thought they were having a heart attack, only to then learn about the Vegus nerve. The Vegus nerve only makes itself known through pain, be it a sharp pain, a dull ache, or just a general sore feeling around the area in the middle of the chest.

I have issues with my own Vegus nerve. With no prior warning, this nerve will go into a series of spasms. The pain that is involved with it, I am used to and I no longer think I am having a heart attack, but the symptoms I will never get used to, is the slurred speech, the crash of sudden weakness that takes days to recover from and the freight train that is stopped in its tracks.

I recover from the slurred speech fairly quickly, but the other symptoms linger for awhile and I am always amazed at the fatigue level...I mean, I am absolutely incapable of even keeping my eyes open. And then you sleep and sleep and sleep some more.

There is nothing that can be done to prevent it from happening. External ice packs sometimes help with the inflammation (did I forget that bit of information?)and cold drinks or popsicles. (or Starbucks frappicinos *wink*)

Boho had to go home early and no Boho boy is coming...they both came down with a nasty cold. (:-( but I feel lucky to have had her here for the 4 days that I did. She is just plane YUMMY! and I'm going to miss her. She was with me when the attack happened and I can only imagine what she was thinking. I didn't even get to say goodbye

It is Friday and I wish you all a wonderful weekend...hugs to all! xoxo