A Childlike Woman Kid
I've been having
I'm talking about,
it's 4 a.m.
and I feel wide awake.
I absolutely dislike
laying in bed wide awake,
so I find myself in other parts
of the house
in a zombie like
On the rare occasion when I do fall asleep, I'm having terrible nightmares. All my nightmares have water in them and there is usually some form of flooding, uncontrollable waves, or something dangerous is in the water and so am I. Hubby says that I've been screaming in my sleep and thrashing about.
Also, I go through these really weird days now and then, where I feel completely detached from myself. It's as if I'm sleep walking or looking at myself from the outside and I literally 'feel' nothing. I day dream like crazy and I catch myself staring at things, but I look right through them and my brain is numb. I mean...if you were to ask me, "What were you just thinking about?" I would respond, "Nothing." I've suffered from depression off and on, so I know what that feels like. This is not depression...I don't feel sad, I don't cry or think negative thoughts...I'm just here. I'm taking up space, breathing in air and one day melts into the next at a sort of slow motion speed. I've decided to make an appointment with my counselor and in the meantime, recently spent some time in research mode. You know what I came up with?
PTSD ~ Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! I should have had an epiphany moment, but I didn't. I felt shocked and said, "What the heck?" I can't even embrace that diagnosis right now. I immediately turned off my computer and kind of freaked out. When I talk about it, I feel like I'm talking about someone else.
So, I'm sort of in limbo. In the last 6 months my health has rapidly deteriorated, my daughter moved farther away because she got 'the job' in the big city and my son almost died.
Yea, I've got a lot on my plate, but lupus and PTSD sounds really scary together.
And once again.... I'm a 45 year old woman, who feels like a child living in a really big big world and I'm so small that someone or something could just swallow me whole.