Thursday, November 30, 2006


What do people see when they look into your eyes?

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Up~Hill Debate

Someone made a reference
that life is an up-hill battle
and I pondered those hills
and add,
that some are mountains, indeed.
Mountain climbing is healthy
increasing stamina and endurance,
deepens lung capacity,
strengthens that on which we stand
and takes determination.
So, I say
climb the mountains
run over the hills
and when your ground is level...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Self Portrait ~ Wrapped in Red

~*~ 'The Waking' by Theodore Roethke ~*~

I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I feel my fate in what I cannot fear.
I learn by going where I have to go.

We think by feeling. What is there to know?
I hear my being dance from ear to ear.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Of those so close beside me, which are you?
God bless the Ground! I shall walk softly there,
And learn by going where I have to go.

Light takes the Tree; but who can tell us how?
The lowly worm climbs up a winding stair;
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.

Great Nature has another thing to do
To you and me; so take the lively air,
And, lovely, learn by going where to go.

This shaking keeps me steady. I should know.
What falls away is always. And is near.
I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow.
I learn by going where I have to go.

(25 May 1908 - 1 August 1963)

This is how I read poems.
I'm one of those people who are not afraid to write in books. I dissect them and try to interpret what the author is saying to 'me' and I'm sure many of you do this too. This poem spoke volumes to me. Mainly that....Sleeping is something we can count on doing, so when you are! Death is inevitable, so since you're! Spiritually, we are not supposed to worry,! Things are going to happen, so...learn love live! And THAT my friends, is the simple message for the hour :)

Monday, November 27, 2006

Bird Dreaming

Gazing into the water
by wishes and rainbows.

Photo by me :D (feeling much better---Thank you all)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanksgiving 2006 ~ What happened to all the kids?

Angela & Kelly

Mark & Casey

Casey & Kelly
Angela & Sean

This year Thanksgiving felt very adult like. I was not feeling well, so I was on the couch, which aloud me to observe everyone and get some good candid pictures. Even though it was noisy (it always is when you get all of us under one roof) something was missing. It always feels strange when Carsten and Denise aren't there, but that wasn't it. All the kids are grown up now and their bodies are so big. The boys look like young men and the girls...the girls are beautiful! Everyone was over 5 feet tall and now all the members of the family engage in the same adult conversation. I love having my family around and my kids home, but I missed the chaos that accompanies the youngsters. It really sunk in deep that these cousins are all grown up and I did a lot of proud smiling.

Mark is my 24 year old son and his sister Angela knows you all by name (along with your profile pictures :) It is a rare thing when both of them are here at the same time . The food was wonderful, but I have to say that, though being stuck on the couch wasn't ideal, I really enjoyed watching everyone interact in their own quirky ways. Personalities are established, faces are unique and laughter truly is musical. I think I would have missed some very poignant moments had I been vertical instead of horizontal. I hope your holiday was everything you expected and more.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thanksgiving Card


this is the decorated envelope
that will come to your house.
(As long as you're reading this:)

and here's the card with a
little pumpkin on it.
(the card opens in the middle)

See, just like that.

Here is
the message
to all
the people
that I
love and

Put it in the envelope...

And off she goes

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Ang & I

School has rolled off your back
and now you kick up your heels
while singing a new hard song

With orchard rows behind
and skyscrapers in your wake
you saunter over this earth

Arms open wide
spinning, off comes the old
a child no longer stands

Healing light in your eyes
and new goals to make
you conquer with each step

This is
my baby
who I will be
spending my days with
I feel healed
when she is home
happy to wrap myself
up with her
and drown
in her light.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Glamour ~ Self Portrait Tuesday

I can always read people by the look in their eyes. Their mouth can be smiling, but their eyes say what's really going on...and that was my frustration in trying to take a "glamour" picture for today. The day was rushed with doctors appointments and the funny thing about seeing a variety of doctors, is that they each have their own ideas about what you need to be doing. One doctor puts you on a medicine and the next wants you off of it. (No details necessary, I'm sure you can understand how frustrating it all is.....they all think they're God.)
So, I'm home after all that and trying to look glamorous for a self portrait (: $) I was tired, frustrated and lacking in creativity. Threw on the blue velvet shirt and said, "Try and look sexy Darlene, look at the camera like you love it, make the camera want you Darlene, make it want you now!" (if you didn't read that with an Italian accent, you need to read it again, because that's the voice that my brain was using at this moment) Absolutely hopeless, it didn't matter what I did with the rest of my body, my eyes said, "tired...we're tired and hungry and we want to take a nap." (if you didn't read that with a really whiney voice blah blah blah)

Here is my glamour....or the best I could do for glam today, now if the topic was "Sneer" I would of had it, hands down! :D Hope you all had better luck than I did.

I found this one left in my camera.
Not more glamorous, just not as scary.

Monday, November 20, 2006

What a Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzy Day

Today I am as busy as a bee
There are doctor's I must see
Co-payments and their fees
Really piss and bother me

But...What's a girl to do?

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Hero ~ Sunday Scribblings

~*~ To My Husband ~*~

There once was a girl who carried a bag made of carpet and she walked everywhere she went. It was a very heavy bag and its contents were known only by her. She traveled to places that were very far away, she climbed high mountains and ran the low valley's, hauling the bag with her all the while. She met many people, who all eventually became curious of the bag and what it contained. During one of her travels, she met a great King and upon the introductions he inquired of the bag,
"What doest thou carry in the baggage of your claim?"
Not knowing how to describe its contents, she took a deep breath and with downcast eyes replied.
"Everything that I need to be happy" and with that she left the presence of the King and all his company, to find the nearest path and be on her way.

Many days later, the girl came across a boy who also traveled with a bag. He wore a straw hat with a brown leather band and his bag had many different sized pockets that held many different sized things. He invited her to rest on the side of the road with him and she did.
"What do you carry in that bag of yours?" she asked.
"Everything I need to be happy" he cheerfully replied.

Now the girl was extremely curious because she knew that inside her bag there was no happiness at all. She had lied to the King in the hopes that happy things would not interest him, as the King already had so much happiness himself. Inside of her bag she carried all of her broken dreams and the fractured pieces of life. She felt shame and the boy knew she was unhappy and scared. They traveled together for days, which turned into weeks, which turned into months. The boy fell in love with the girl and one day he bravely asked,
"What is it that you carry in that bag of yours?"
"Nothing important" she said quietly, as she clutched the bag in her lap.
"Can I see what you have?" he sincerely asked as he softly touched her cheek.
She placed the bag on the ground and slowly opened the zipper and with tears in her eyes she said,
"Go ahead and look, but once you do, you will never love me again."
He reached in and took out the first dream, all shiny and new, another reach revealed a piece of life that was made whole and everything was in order. She gasped in surprise and said to the boy,
"What's happened to me, I don't understand?"
"While you slept each night of our travels, I worked extra hard, so that you could have, all of your dreams, a life that could heal and whatever is left doesn't matter to me, for I will love you all the days of my life."
And with everything shared and everything said, the hero picked up one bag in each hand and together, they traveled till the end of their lives.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

No Autumn Colors Today

On this Saturday morning,
we slept until 8:30 am.
It gets dark and gloomy
by 3:30 in the afternoon
and I hate that. I'm one of
those people who need the
sun in order to feel like
everything is right in my
world. I can't see the sun
through this sheet of fog
that fills the sky.
It rained last night and everything
smells fresh.
When the farmers
harvest their crops,
the air fills with dust
and chemicals that
cling to everything within
miles. The rain feels like
a long awaited cleansing shower that nature appreciates and so do I.
So I make an excuse
to take a quick car ride
with my camera in tow.
My eyes darting here
and there looking for
colors other than rust,
orange and brown.
I'm not tired of them,
I just need to exchange
bursts of color, in place
of the absence of sun.
To my surprise,
I found the sun here today.

And here too,
looking majestic
surrounded by
purple. A 'dusting'
of pollen that
some bee shook off
his feet when he was
through with his
morning meal.
Stepping back,
I take one last
shot, knowing that
I have captured
the left-overs of
Summer, right in
the middle of
And suddenly, the
sun is shining
after all, lying deep
within my soul.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Alone with Your Snail

~*~ I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments. ~*~
"The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Empty moments can feel like they last forever. It's hard to be alone when time is slowly creeping along because you're having a rough bout in your life. What is your snail? What are the things going on in your life that make you feel alone, or lonely. Shaz, aka Dare to Dream is going through a 48 week medical treatment in hope of a cure for her physical battle. It's rather harsh and not going to be much fun for her and the family, it's going to be her snail. When you loose your job and you're waiting for another...snail. When there's something you want really bad and you have to wait to get it...snail. Commuting long hours, writing that book, starting that business...all of them are snails.

Some people love being alone and it doesn't feel like an empty moment at all. But for those who have a hard time with it, or are alone for very long periods of time, I want you to remember this: Snails always leave a shimmery trail and if all the moments in our lives zoomed by, or were always easy, there would be nothing to show, nothing to learn and probably not a whole lot to remember. So, when you are alone, I want you to remember that you're keeping good company with yourself and always look for the shimmer in that moment :D

And say a little prayer for shaz, maybe give her a visit or two because for the next 48 weeks a certain snail will be visiting her and I'm sure she would appreciate your precious company. And for those of you who feel like you're never alone enough, it's time to take your snail on a date ;-)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

PG-13 Poetry ~*~ Virgin Cactus ~*~

I once read an article a long time ago on Georgia O'Keeffe, mentioning that she found flowers to be very sexual looking. I was young and got embarrassed the next time I saw one of her paintings. Recently, while browsing through the bookstore, I saw some poetry put to her art. I became intrigued and wondered Hhmmmmm...I can do that *blush* so, here is my first attempt at PG-13 poetry.

~*~ Virgin Cactus ~*~

Long after the first rain
I saw the pearls you captured
between your satin skin
and many jagged tines

I suddenly felt parched
my skin desired moisture
a craving turned to want
a tightening in my muscles

But I know the ache
that touching you requires
a piercing penetration
and the sting you'll leave behind

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Buckets of Graditude

I am grateful and feel so filled with love for each and every one of you. Individually, you took the time to share your feelings and gave me heartfelt support and it was amazing. This is what I learned....we truly have developed a community of people who will protect, won't hesitate to show kindness and create a safe place for all of us to give, take and grow. I thank you with a full heart, what more could a girl ask for?.....................

(Well, the money and time for us all to go to a 5 star hotel for a slumber party! Wheeeeee!)


p.s.the rose showed up on my door step w/ muffins and pumpkin butter...Thanks A ;-)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

A Diamond in the Rocks

Whew...Monday was a really rough day. It has been 3 straight months of mostly bad days and when I go that long without a decent break, I begin to notice patterns in my life. Mondays have become blue for me and emotionally difficult. I assume I must have decided this as my 'marker' day, adding up yet another week ill. Another pattern, is my analysis at the beginning and ending of seasons. What have the last 4 months been like? What did I accomplish? Well, boo...they haven't been very easy. I've gone to the hospital 3 times (in an ambulance) which is really scary because that means I'm having a bad seizure and the neighborhood gets to see me in my bra and I'm extremely modest (;#). I haven't been able to go see my daughter, or go anywhere that requires significant driving and I've just been staying at high levels of pain for's exhausting and not very fun. And... after 165 posts, I got my first hurtful comment. My first reaction was 'ouch' and then I went to anger, then contemplation. I really wanted to be honest with myself, thus contemplating the comment made in the context of what I choose to say on my blog verses what I choose to keep private. That is something that all of you lovelies get to do also...choose, and why we have that cute little trash can in our control. We get to decide what goes out and what comes in, if your fast enough and on your bloggie toes. I have no idea how many of you lovelies got to read the anonymous comment and see my reaction that I ended up completely deleting. :) Are you curious yet? [Basically, anon (which cracks me up and that's an entirely different subject) has experienced the death of her mother and told me that I dwell too much on death and therefore put my family through premature grief. According to her, Lupus is not a life threatening disease, so I need to appreciate life more.] Wow! Geez! Dang! &%#$! There are 2 kinds of Lupus: one that is external and causes severe rashes and Systemic lupus, which is internal and life threatening. I have systemic and unfortunately it is also a 'sister disease' that sometimes accompany other diseases. (meaning...some people that have syst. lupus also have another disease with it...bummer :( ~I have had many emails from people wanting to know exactly what kind of symptoms I have and I choose to keep most of that information in my email correspondences, but I will tell you that, I battle more than just lupus and have faced death on occations (plural). And when I'm in the middle of a seizure, the look on my family's faces surely reflect, that my life is being threatened.

On the other hand, I feel that I have opened myself up enough to give most people an idea of where I'm coming from and that process has produced connections with other people who suffer. We comfort, support, listen with first hand experience and give love, a very healing and magical process. ~I pondered anon and wondered...Do I focus on death? Am I that negative? Do I make myself sound like I am dying, therefore causing people to grieve my oncoming death? Do I not inspire hope and perseverance, because that was my intent on making this decision to blog.

I was bummed!

And something I've known all along became a rock of reality. {HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE IN YOUR COMMENTING} We are forming opinions about other peoples lives that we don't even really know. You and I....we only know a tiny piece of most of each others stories. We don't know their history, their baggage, we don't know the whole picture. We don't know how volatile they are or their situations, so even if we say, "I don't mean this to sound unkind, but....." I'm sorry, it simply is unkind, if you have to begin your sentence with those words. It just so happened that on that very day, I was having an incredible migraine, throwing up, and waiting for my husbands 2nd CAT scan results, had posted a honest to goodness brutal picture of myself (Nov. 10)...and wham! Anon graced me with her pearls of wisdom. None of you knew any of this, but all of you said the most wonderful things to me that day. It gave me peace and on this particular day...I really needed it. Angels, all of you!
Here's some advice for any anon's out there...just a thought...if you feel you really have to 'share' like that, please email me and give me the opportunity to know who you are, listen to your story and willingly give you more of mine. I would gladly exchange our experiences :) That is one of the ways we learn and I love learning :-)

We will never know what our lovely blog friends have to wake up to. We won't know what crisis may be looming around them, all the more reason to use the comment sections as avenues of peace, words, like kind gifts.
Sometimes, what you say to someone, may be just like a diamond sitting on top of what feels like a pile of rocks.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Autumn's Last Leaf

I wrote this for all of those moments that we get lost in life, feel like all we do is blend in and all we really want, is to be uniquely individual.

The wind forces
unwanted movement
pushing one branch
against another.
And the place
where I am sustained,
the place that holds
all my strength,
finally releases
and I am falling.
For one brief moment,
I am free.
Absolved of expectations,
relieved of duties,
my stationary existence
banished and exhausted,
I descend with grace.
Now, the earth
is my anchor
and I rest atop
my previous companions,
that have transformed
and voice, no longer.
The warmth of the sun
is peaceful on my face,
and my edges dry
and start to curl.
I dream
I am discarded,
once again
to resemble
all the others.
but, in this moment,
I lay among the flowers
and my beauty
is unforgettable.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sunday Scribblings ~

Lets just say that you want to be happy. That you want to own yourself. Really belong to you. How about believing in being a dreamer. A dreamer makes a fanciful plan that involves some kind of loveliness and something that you are very fond of. Dreams bring you delight, joy and beauty. They give you a vision and a muse to follow, that is full of idea's. We have to make decisions, we must make up our minds about certain things that have been hard for us to make. In order to do this we need determination and perseverance when times get tough. We must evaluate our convictions and gather strength from knowing what they are. One of the hardest things is to keep motivated. We must find an inner drive, an incentive that will cause us to act on what we believe. We need to help each other find a reason, create stimulus, start something. Say, "I will do this....once a week." And then do it. :D We all want to be happy and as time goes by, we are going to want to make more and more connections and begin caring about one another and that's when we should take the chance to reach out. Drivers are confident in their decisions.
They are dreamers and have motivations to do things outside of what is expected of them. They accept a challenge and make it a goal and strive to attain it. They grab ahold of ambition by the tail and hang on for dear life...and guess what happens next? They open businesses, they write books, their creativity blooms and the best thing of all is that they make friends. YOU belong to you and only you know what you need. So, get in the drivers seat, start dreaming big, turn to the passenger in the car and say, "Today, I am making a fanciful, lovely plan and then I'm going to tell someone about it!"

"We haven't found enough dreams. We haven't dreamed enough." ~Georgia O'Keeffe

Saturday, November 11, 2006

"Birds That Ask Questions"

Do you ever wonder what you're really here for?
You look around and try to make eye contact
with other people...

...and they just look right back
and stare right through you?

So life just keeps ticking away
no matter where you're sitting.

Do you think anybody up there
knows I'm even here?

What is the purpose
of my life?

Strength, hope, faith, love and courage,
I believe I have all these things?

Is it wrong for me
to question my destiny?

I just want to do the right thing.
I don't want to be selfish.
I want to make a difference
in the lives of others.

I just want to be myself
and believe in You
at the same time.