Wednesday, June 25, 2008

the consistency of waves

It didn't matter what we were feeling at the moment
our tears flowed often over the loss of Pops
some mornings we woke up and wore sadness like a robe
later feeling lighter knowing he was watching us from above
It didn't matter that we felt confused and angry
that death often deals some cruel jokes
that no one understands our exact deep pain, then suddenly
a sweet distant memory temporarily pulled us from that mire
It didn't matter that our hearts felt so wounded
a heaviness that held us to the ground
we cradled ourselves and waited for a lifting
and went to bed with the same weight upon our heads.
All of this didn't matter
nothing we could do would halt the crashing of the waves
they came and went, in and out, background music for our souls
constant reminders that we were never left alone
The only thing that mattered
was that God cared what we were going through
His love would wrap around us and was always ever present
like the waves, He is and forever shall be
by Darlene Simmonds
dedicated to Robert 'Pops' Johnson

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


We have been decompressing as a family.
We got away from our house, jobs and regular routines and spontaneously clung to one another for comfort, sharing our grief, anger and sorrow. Being near the awesomeness of the ocean was like medicine for our souls.

The funeral will be this Friday and all week, distant family will be arriving here and there. It feels like this is all happening too fast, yet taking forever to creep near any closure.

I thank you all for your prayers and concerns and I have a lot to share with you as my brain processes all of this.

LOVE holds
us together
and we are
a team :)

All of us
are a

Thursday, June 12, 2008

about face

I don't even know where to begin...
My husbands father is dying. We have been struggling with many serious decisions. Life ending decisions that are brutal, feel cold and empty. All that surrounds me is sadness and anger and this never ending feeling of helplessness.

Looking death in the face is scary and unnatural. The pain is tangible, a deep stab right into the heart and I can't seem to breathe enough air into my lungs. I feel like I'm physically crying for everyone in the family because they are all trying so hard to be strong.

Pops is in the ICU and I am not allowed in there because of my compromised immune system. I can still smell that place because of Mark's extended stay there. I think it's what nightmares smell like. So, I'm home alone all day and now...lately, all night long. I can feel him leaving, turning away from us all and facing a direction that is not to be followed. All I can do...the only words that will form in my brain and come out of my mouth are...

Goodbye Pops...
I'll see you...later

and thank you
for the
loving laughter.

***Pop's Spirit left this Earth at
2:00 am June 13, 2008***

Rest in Peace loved one

Wednesday, June 04, 2008


I have felt a little
better the last
couple of days.
This flare was
one of the more
harsh I have
endured this
spring and it
warranted a visit
to see my doctor.
Blood tests galore,
a shot and some
scary low blood
pressure was
all part of the
But, I have the best doctor in the world who makes me feel better for just seeing him. He is indeed an angel in the disguise of a doctor. With berries ripening on the vine, I picked a few for my breakfast and sat with the sun on my face for just a quick moment. I am feeling thankful to be alive, to have family and friends that love me and a God that watches over me. I am always seeking for the lessons I have to learn on this journey with a weak body in tow. I often wonder if having lived with good health...would I have been too self absorbed, or even more selfish than I already am?
Someone obviously needs my undivided attention because I no longer take things for granted and feel fully aware of all things happening around me. Like the beautiful flowers that are growing in my backyard. Each one is vibrant in its own right and I am appreciating Springtime more than ever. But the learning must be more than how to appreciate something? I think I am waiting for something profound to suddenly dawn in my brain. Maybe I am wrong to feel that I have given something up and therefore expect something in return? Our accumulations don't leave this Earth with us and that is not what I am after. Accomplishments don't either, so what am I looking for? Quality time is what I think most people crave...and I have plenty of that, yes...I have plenty of that.