Thursday, May 31, 2007

Almost Dry

I don't even know where to begin....

The pain has been unbearable, the CT scans were performed wrong and I cannot have another because of too much exposure to radiation and the buck is being passed, as we have so many questions and not enough answers.

"Infection, an obstruction or cancer" casually said by the doctor, with a shrug of his shoulders. He left the room to order more tests and I sat in the wheelchair with my back to the door, my eyes boring a hole in the wall. I hung my head and silently cried. I am all too familier with that "I don't know" look doctors get on their faces when my sypmtoms confuse them.

I pleaded with my husband, "You saw the blood in the cup, right? and at home in the saw it, right?"..."You heard the Emergency Room doctor say that their CT scan showed some damage and infection, right?" "You don't just urinate blood for 2 days for nothing! Right?"

He looked scared, "You don't think the doctor doesn't believe you?"

Sometimes I do, sometimes I think I'm going crazy and the pain, blood and weakness are a figment of my imagination.

Lupus is a terrible disease....and it beats up everyone it touches, not just me, but my husband, my children and everyone else. It is isolating me from all that is precious to me and each painful day is melting into another and I'm battle weary.

I'm at the end of my rope and I need God to do something with my desparation. I remind myself that He is merciful and that His grace is sufficient, that His will for my life is my will too. I believe and I have faith in Him. I don't have much to give Him, but I believe...and as pathetic as I feel, I lay myself at His feet and refuse to give up.

I refuse to give up.

Monday, May 28, 2007

doors we didn't
even remember
leaving open are
sometimes the route
through which
happiness comes
into our lives
by Rose Lane

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Yesterday I found myself back into the Emergency Room for round 2. The pain became unbearable and the same Doctor who saw me a week ago, was now standing before me.
Further evaluation revealed a blockage that will be looked into more invasively on Tuesday.

No real sleep for the last 3 evenings and my jaw is worn out from clenching my teeth. I'll keep you informed, as surgery may be the outcome to all of this.

Thank you for your support and bloggie love. I can feel it and my heart is tremendously warmed.

Friday, May 25, 2007

more rocks!!!

please send me your positive thoughts and doctor says I have more rocky friends to pass, through a torn, infected kidney tube :(

i'm in a ton of pain, discomfort and drinking loads of water

any advice besides screaming (:o is welcome!!!

love to you

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Sticks and Stones....

I spent Saturday in the hospital emergency room passing a very large Kidney stone. I didn't scream...but I sure wanted to. A CAT scan showed damage to the tract and bladder. My urine has finally stopped turning red and now I must be patient in healing.

I just can't seem to catch a break these days, but internally I have felt myself laughing about the entire situation. My bottom line is full of stubborn immovability, I refuse to give up. There is no satisfaction in discouragement, it is such a temporary useless band aid.

No matter what your situation is, yes, there is always someone else worse off than yourself, but in the end, all that really matters is how you handle your own. I think questioning the test only prolongs getting the answers. Moving forward, even if it is just mental, is the only real path to better understanding the quest.

Today, I am reminded of the "sticks and stones" I sometimes throw at myself. Lay down the weapons you feel you have a right to use. Try to remember the depth in an all too familiar verse..."Love your neighbor as you would yourself."

Our tendencies are to put the focus on the neighbor, when we should realise that true love isn't possible until we love ourselves and the road we walk on, first.

It took an actual stone and the pain that came with it, for me to understand this. Listen and hear, then lay down the weapons of your own.

Friday, May 18, 2007


~Today I Decided To Cry~

and this is a decision for me because when I cry I get migraines, so I try to keep myself from doing this knowing there will be a price to pay. But today, the small things found their way into the cracks of my armor and I made the decision to stop holding my breath and just let it happen.

I covered my face with the wet damp towel I used for my just washed hair and I cried. The hard kind of cry that feels like you're weeping for your whole life. Immediately, I feel selfish knowing that I have so many things to be thankful for, those people and families that are much worse off than myself, but I can't help it. Once the gate is open the flood is too forceful and the tears are unstoppable.

I almost feel too weak to do this, but now the choice is made and I already feel the weight lifting and the pound begin to hurt in my head. Today, I am loosing some hope for myself, something I have plenty of for other people besides myself. I imagine God feeling sorry for me and this makes it worse. I have learned that asking why just makes me feel pitiful, scared and that He too is disappointed in me.

I realize that people, lovely friends and family, will be reading this, but this is one for the Almighty Archives. This is one I want my children and grandchildren to read so they know that these moments do come in life and it's normal. It's okay to cry about the things we do not understand and that in between each paragraph I have held that towel up to my face feeling sorrow and loneliness.

I can't say it enough, that Lupus feels like a mean trick to pull on someone with my personality and character traits. Someone so used to doing seven things at once and making it look like one. Someone who smiled at work and acknowledged everyone else with a cheery hello and eager listening ears. I felt like a light, an actual ray of sunshine meant to make others feel happier and loved. Now those days are just memories to me and because of this I feel old and used up. I feel so foreign in this sick body that I sometimes resent.

It takes a lot of energy to cry and release these emotions, so now I am getting too tired to continue this and I just want to close my eyes and be silent. Now it's time to listen to that encouraging piece of me that is left to get me through yet another day and recall all the many reasons I have to be grateful. Now, I will not ask to be forgiven, but I will ask for grace, peace and most of all, mercy.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

A Lesson from Mark

"New Life From Old Wounds"

Mark has a spot on the back of his head, a thin line at the base of his skull that won't grow any hair. This was the result of laying in the Intensive Care Unit for an extended period of time and I noticed that other patients in the hospital bore the same mark. 6 months later, it has still not filled in with hair.

Last night I learned that 3 weeks ago Mark was tested for Lupus, as this appearing symptom can be a sign for men testing positive. Mark tested negative, but as I was listening to these words coming out of my husbands mouth, I felt my world tilt and I physically had to sit down. They kept this information from me to protect me from the stress that knowing would cause. I had mixed feelings about this being done for me. "It is my right, as his Mother, to know these things!" That came flying out of my mouth...really loud and with tears.

Harsh reality..."Does my family think that I am so frail they would actually keep important information from me?" This act of protection has me feeling violated, vulnerable and weak, even though there is a part of me that understands why they made that decision. They get to see first hand what Lupus can do to someones life.

So, late last night I called Mark to discuss the news that he doesn't have Lupus. Yes, he was scared, worried and relieved, all feelings that he has experienced over the last 3 weeks alone, as a man protecting his Mother from any added stress. I had to acknowledge how gracefully he has handled this entire situation, that he is in indeed, the strongest man I know. He was silent on the other end of the phone, just listening, as tears were streaming down my face along with my words. He very quietly told me he loved me and then we said goodbye.

For years I have felt like a Momma Bear who fiercely would do anything to protect my children, but today, just for is I, who resembles the cub. (n..n)

(For those who don't know about Mark's car accident and what is now his story, you will find them in my archives beginning Dec. 19, 2006)

Monday, May 14, 2007

Son's and Daughter's

A son still in recovery and a daughter home from the big city.

My mom and dad spent the day here with me and I feel blessed. Good food, nice weather and a small field trip. We laughed at things that only our family understands and shared the food preparation. We talked about Denise and Carsten, wishing they were closer, missing them always and knowing that nothing we prepared would be edible to them. (Sorry Den...cooked and full of sugar) However, I think you couldn't resist the BBQ veggies :)

Mom passed around some recent pictures, ones taken right before Marks accident. When they got to Mark, I held my breath. How would he feel seeing himself bulky, tan and healthy? He held the picture in his hand for a very long time and just stared. He passed it back with a little regret in his eyes, but he is such a trooper. He smiled and shrugged it off. Later, while hugging and breathing in the scent of him, I asked if he was okay, "of course" he said, "Vovo says I'm still a chick magnet!"

Way to go daddy, it was just what Mark needed to hear! :)

Thursday, May 10, 2007

The Seduction of the Strawberry

some would call your thin complexion
one that causes much rejection
just one taste of your confection
what a tramp

oh the bliss when you are plump
slowly ripening on your stump
my mouth craving every bump
you're a tease

preparation without damage
dainty slices that I ravage
eat you whole just like a savage
now you're gone

Here in the valley, we have many environmental signs that blatantly tell us the time of year. Besides the distinct weather changes, the surrounding orchards take on a personality all of their own. The recent burst of blooms and bees welcomed in the spring. Rows upon rows of fruit and nut trees, look like finely dressed ladies, primly gossipping to catch up after winters long sleep. But, there is nothing like the anticipation of the strawberry. The roadside fruit stands all open up and try to tease us with early picking, but they lack the pungent smell and sweet taste that patience and waiting rewards. I see the green carts bursting with the brilliance of red, but I already know the disappointment I will feel biting into the premature fruit and so, I wait. Just about now, the red color changes its hue. It deepens and like a siren, calls out to the ones who have driven past her yesterday, we all know who we are. So, we stop and spend the best $12 dollars money can buy, as we carefully choose our half flats. We eat at least 2 in the car driving home, that decadent reward for being patient, making noises that are only appropriate for the things we crave...and then, a bowl full at the dinner table that night. Everyone sits down and our eyes are drawn to their magnificent color and without saying a word we all know that summer is just around the corner.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Wind Starter

unrelenting winds cause
their bodies to lean
summoning circles of movement

they sway in harmony
and participate
in each spontaneous dance

gazing, I wonder
as each bowing face
is kissed by the sun

which way does this wind blow
and whence it came
a swirling mystery

joining the celebration
I stand among them
skin feeling what eyes cannot see

only nature unfolds
each sacred suggestion
of where it hails

and the eternal secret
that will reveal
who ordered this command

Thursday, May 03, 2007

What I Believe

I became very spiritual at a young age. I was taught prayers and church etiquette, all while being exposed to a variety of denominations and teachings. I have had my own personal experiences, seen a lot, heard a lot, studied, went to school and this last year I found myself putting it all out on a table before me (metaphorically speaking) and stood in silence as I stared at years and years of truth, opinions, facts, theories, philosophies and some plain old goofy stuff.

Also, this last year has been my "Very" year. I feel like I could put that word in front of so many things....

I have been:
very focused
very distracted
very happy
very sad
very inspired
very unmotivated

You get the idea? A very big table with all of my life's journeys spread out in front of me. After a long hard look at all I saw before me and what each thing represented, I deeply gleaned 3 important facts:

1. Do not judge...anyone, for anything.
2. Free will is our right and very respected by God.
3. God is all loving and does not punish us.

Any information that comes my way, is put on a shelf for later contemplation.
If someone says something to you that is new and a little 'out there' always ALWAYS listen to your heart. Important things that are said to you should always be a confirmation to what you already know!!! Your heart should say, "Yes!"
If it comes to you as a surprise, or does not resonate with your heart?... shelf it.

Just some food for thought because it's what I've been thinking about myself.

love you all

One of the
things God
gave us was
a cross, I
can see it's
reflection in
so many things.