I don't even know where to begin....
The pain has been unbearable, the CT scans were performed wrong and I cannot have another because of too much exposure to radiation and the buck is being passed, as we have so many questions and not enough answers.
"Infection, an obstruction or cancer" casually said by the doctor, with a shrug of his shoulders. He left the room to order more tests and I sat in the wheelchair with my back to the door, my eyes boring a hole in the wall. I hung my head and silently cried. I am all too familier with that "I don't know" look doctors get on their faces when my sypmtoms confuse them.
I pleaded with my husband, "You saw the blood in the cup, right? and at home in the toilet...you saw it, right?"..."You heard the Emergency Room doctor say that their CT scan showed some damage and infection, right?" "You don't just urinate blood for 2 days for nothing! Right?"
He looked scared, "You don't think the doctor doesn't believe you....do you?"
Sometimes I do, sometimes I think I'm going crazy and the pain, blood and weakness are a figment of my imagination.
Lupus is a terrible disease....and it beats up everyone it touches, not just me, but my husband, my children and everyone else. It is isolating me from all that is precious to me and each painful day is melting into another and I'm battle weary.
I'm at the end of my rope and I need God to do something with my desparation. I remind myself that He is merciful and that His grace is sufficient, that His will for my life is my will too. I believe and I have faith in Him. I don't have much to give Him, but I believe...and as pathetic as I feel, I lay myself at His feet and refuse to give up.
I refuse to give up.