Friday, May 18, 2007

Cracks



~Today I Decided To Cry~

and this is a decision for me because when I cry I get migraines, so I try to keep myself from doing this knowing there will be a price to pay. But today, the small things found their way into the cracks of my armor and I made the decision to stop holding my breath and just let it happen.

I covered my face with the wet damp towel I used for my just washed hair and I cried. The hard kind of cry that feels like you're weeping for your whole life. Immediately, I feel selfish knowing that I have so many things to be thankful for, those people and families that are much worse off than myself, but I can't help it. Once the gate is open the flood is too forceful and the tears are unstoppable.

I almost feel too weak to do this, but now the choice is made and I already feel the weight lifting and the pound begin to hurt in my head. Today, I am loosing some hope for myself, something I have plenty of for other people besides myself. I imagine God feeling sorry for me and this makes it worse. I have learned that asking why just makes me feel pitiful, scared and that He too is disappointed in me.

I realize that people, lovely friends and family, will be reading this, but this is one for the Almighty Archives. This is one I want my children and grandchildren to read so they know that these moments do come in life and it's normal. It's okay to cry about the things we do not understand and that in between each paragraph I have held that towel up to my face feeling sorrow and loneliness.

I can't say it enough, that Lupus feels like a mean trick to pull on someone with my personality and character traits. Someone so used to doing seven things at once and making it look like one. Someone who smiled at work and acknowledged everyone else with a cheery hello and eager listening ears. I felt like a light, an actual ray of sunshine meant to make others feel happier and loved. Now those days are just memories to me and because of this I feel old and used up. I feel so foreign in this sick body that I sometimes resent.

It takes a lot of energy to cry and release these emotions, so now I am getting too tired to continue this and I just want to close my eyes and be silent. Now it's time to listen to that encouraging piece of me that is left to get me through yet another day and recall all the many reasons I have to be grateful. Now, I will not ask to be forgiven, but I will ask for grace, peace and most of all, mercy.

23 Comments:

Blogger JustMe said...

Thank you so much for sharing this moment in your life. I have just gone through a confrontation with my mom in which I told her how much I needed her presence and support, and she pretty much said I'm asking too much and should ask God instead. But I see in you a mother's heart that loves her children and future grandchildren enough to share the painful moments, to show that WANTING to give up or expressing negative emotions is not a sin; it's a part of the full range of being human and God knows he can use each and every feeling to teach us to love him and others more deeply. Thank you for affirming to me that I'm in the right frame of mind. You shouldn't feel like your usefulness is at an end, because God is using your struggles with lupus to bless people like me right here and right now! You are still that ray of light because you are down there in the trenches suffering, too. I am praying for you and that God will just hold up a mirror to you, of how you look in his eyes. He's not sorry, he's very, very proud.

1:34 PM  
Blogger Moonroot said...

I have just stumbled across your blog and spent quite some time on the older posts about Mark's accicdent. I think you have coped with unbelievable stress over the last few months, particularly with your own health problems. Your blog is an inspiration in terms of your strength and love for your family. Thank you for sharing all that. I'm sorry today is so hard for you and wish I could offer a hug & a cup of tea! I hope things soon seem brighter.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Mary Timme said...

You are an inspiration, Darlene! Sometimes I cry too, and I feel all those things. One time in the 80's, going through culture shock-we moved back from Alaska-and Tim was without work for 2 1/2 years, and I hadn't made new friends in the part of Denver we were living in, I was whining and crying and feeling really stupid about it, because I was doing the whys, when it was like Jesus said, "So, you think it wasn't lonely on the cross? Mar." My response was to stop crying and go "oh!" and then the phone rang. It was an old friend calling to ask we get together for lunch. Sometimes you just have to cry in order to see your way through the day.

Straining each day with lupus is your fight. It does almost seem like a mean trick, but you handle it with grace and beautiful sharing. You are loved and make a difference in this world, Darlene.

3:28 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

I cried yesterday Darlene. My cry was over something ridiculous, I was tired and worn out from the kids. They were acting up and I was being horrible. I put them all to bed while the sun was still up, it was not even 7:00 yet. And then my husband called and I took it all out on him.

Its ok to cry, and feel overwhelmed and tired and confused. Sometimes it is the only way to feel better.

I am sure none of what I just wrote even makes any sense, But I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Sending you my love.

5:05 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

Whoo-ee. I know that cry. Oh I hear you. That's all I can say. Grace - you know it's yours. That's the good thing.

I love you.

6:30 PM  
Blogger BJ said...

Darlene - I think of you so much and admire the woman you are. You are an inspiration to us all. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and ask for special healing for you. You are constantly being tested and I know that God has a plan for you. You are so brave and so loveable. God bless you.

7:30 PM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

You are Living LIFE dear Darlene. Sometimes it sucks and doesn't make sense. Sometimes fortitude is replaced by raw emotion. Sometimes bravery is replaced by fraility. Sometimes we acknowledge that what we're dealing with is larger than our individual capacity and we draw upon the strength of God and the Universe. Much love to you dear Dar ...xx, deb

8:55 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

i know that cry ... i am only sorry that it takes so much out of you ~ warm hugs ...

9:30 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

:( E-mailing you now....

Sending BIG cyber hugs first,

Love Toni

1:03 AM  
Blogger Shaz said...

My sweet girl, This makes me cry because I know exactly how you feel when that migraine hits because of crying it makes what your crying about all the worse. Its not fair and I dont understand why you but I also agree with justme they have said it perfectly.

I love you sweet please take care.

2:57 AM  
Anonymous Silvia said...

I am still not sure on which path I walk when it comes to faith. What I do know is that I agree with justme: He is not sorry, he is very, very proud. And i am very, very grateful that you shared this.

Sending you love,

xoxo silvia

12:21 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

((((Darlene))))

sandy

5:03 PM  
Blogger Constance said...

With my own chronic health issue (an auto-immune disorder) I have been at the end of my rope more times than this strong woman would like to admit! I have had surgery to remove my spleen but even that didn't "fix" me! I ended up being very angry at God and came to a crossroads regarding my own faith. This "shook" several people who have always seen me as a beacon of faith and optimism. I simply told them that,

"God can handle my anger and questions. If He can't then He isn't who he says He is!"

It hasn't been easy and I know that there are more lessons and truths to be learned. One thing I learned is to embrace the situation that I find myself in. I don't have to like it but IT IS where I am at THAT moment.

I have learned that every crisis or challenge is another opportunity to grow more in the image of Christ. I can truly say that in spite of everything my mind and body have had to endure, I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned for me to be where I was before I was diagnosed!

Give in to the tears and questions-God is more than able to not only handle it, but infuse His strength into you! You're never really down and out until you stop getting back up!

Wishing You His Peace,
Connie

4:56 AM  
Blogger gerry rosser said...

I've been keeping up with your posts, although not commenting of late. I have no idea what to say, or, phrased another way, I don't feel I have much to add. I wish things were better for you. That's about it.

8:35 AM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

Sweet sister in Christ... I am grateful that through your blog I have been able to witness your faith and your authenticity. God holds every tear in His hands... nothing on the journey is ever wasted.

I believe that throught the trials He draws us closer to Him and enables us to be a beacon of hope in a dark world.

I wish we lived near one another and I could brew you a hot cup of tea and we could sit over tea and something yummy and share our stories.

You are a wonderful woman that God is using in a mighty way. Just hold onto His hand and remember that His mercies are new every morning.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous poet said...

and the tears are the cleansing waters of the soul.

6:04 AM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

You know I understand and if I could I would be there to help you walk thru it. I am sorry for the struggles but I also know the tears cleanse your soul and make it easier to carry on sometime. I will keep you in my prayers and know that you will get thru this.

9:24 AM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

I hope that you are feeling more at peace today dear you.

Sending love and hugs.

xoxoxo

11:27 AM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

The words don't seem to come in response to this. I've retyped several comments but that all seem shallow and trite compared to the pain that comes through your post. You just need to know that we understand, we appreciate you and we stand beside you as you cry.

2:42 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

My sweet Darlene: What can I possibly add to these most precious comments. In your pain and tears, you are surrounded by so much love and caring.
I was gone this weekend, so didn't know the pain you were in until now.
I love your forever
Wanda Mom

7:03 AM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

cry as much as you need, anytime, anywhere...you are always a pillar of strength, no matter what emotions you are feeling.

your family loves you so much.

sending kisses to your cheeks.

love,
your lil sis

8:31 AM  
Anonymous Dreamer Girl said...

Just a small note here as i'm not sure if your email is back up and running. Hope you feel better and that you had a nice weekend. Miss you xoxo silvia

12:11 PM  
Blogger Louise said...

Hey Darlene
Found you through your Boho Girl....hope you don't mind.
Love your blog....I especially loved this post, I think it says a lot about how we all feel well me forsure!!.. but are too afraid to share it, I have days when all I seem to do is cry. Never forget that God loves you so much and He can use your light no matter what the circumstance. Sending you hugs. I'll be praying for you!!

2:27 PM  

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