Thursday, May 31, 2007

Almost Dry



I don't even know where to begin....

The pain has been unbearable, the CT scans were performed wrong and I cannot have another because of too much exposure to radiation and the buck is being passed, as we have so many questions and not enough answers.

"Infection, an obstruction or cancer" casually said by the doctor, with a shrug of his shoulders. He left the room to order more tests and I sat in the wheelchair with my back to the door, my eyes boring a hole in the wall. I hung my head and silently cried. I am all too familier with that "I don't know" look doctors get on their faces when my sypmtoms confuse them.

I pleaded with my husband, "You saw the blood in the cup, right? and at home in the toilet...you saw it, right?"..."You heard the Emergency Room doctor say that their CT scan showed some damage and infection, right?" "You don't just urinate blood for 2 days for nothing! Right?"

He looked scared, "You don't think the doctor doesn't believe you....do you?"

Sometimes I do, sometimes I think I'm going crazy and the pain, blood and weakness are a figment of my imagination.

Lupus is a terrible disease....and it beats up everyone it touches, not just me, but my husband, my children and everyone else. It is isolating me from all that is precious to me and each painful day is melting into another and I'm battle weary.

I'm at the end of my rope and I need God to do something with my desparation. I remind myself that He is merciful and that His grace is sufficient, that His will for my life is my will too. I believe and I have faith in Him. I don't have much to give Him, but I believe...and as pathetic as I feel, I lay myself at His feet and refuse to give up.

I refuse to give up.

30 Comments:

Blogger Sandy said...

(((Darlene))))

sandy

2:19 PM  
Blogger BJ said...

Darlene - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It just seems like you don't get many breaks. Please know that you are thought about and cared for and that I will definitely keep you in my prayers. Hang in there sweetie.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Angela Marie said...

(((I love you)))

3:28 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

Oh Darlene!!!

This brought tears to my eyes.
I will continue to pray for you and your family. I hope you find relief and soon.

Love you!

4:28 PM  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

I thought I would check up on you and I can't believe what you've had to go through. You have such strength and faith that we can all learn from your example. It is hardest to feel gratitude and faith when times are hard. You truly are an example to me. I will pray for you and hope that you are comforted and get through this quickly. I'm sorry that you have to go through it at all.

We're there with you!!

LC

4:40 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

Darling Darlene:
Just talked to J, said you were sleeping. So glad you are finally getting some rest.
In spite of all that is happening to you....you still delight me with your fantastic photos!
That "drop" of water....a lot of meaning in that!!!
Loving on you big time, in my prayers always...will call tomorrow.
Wanda Mom

5:57 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Darlene,

You have had physical setbacks before. Plenty of them. And you have gotten through every single one.

Imagine those times, and imagine how you pulled yourself through.

Think about how you pulled yourself through Mark's crisis.

You are so strong.

You are not lupus.

The power that made the body can heal the body.

Holding you in the light.

Love.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Star said...

Sending love and prayers for healing.

7:35 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I'll take some deep breaths and send them to you. I'm thinking of you.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

{{{{Darlene}}}}}
Sending lots of good thoughts your way~~~~~~~~

8:37 PM  
Blogger amy said...

I'm so glad that you are refusing to give up. I will continue to pray for you.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Dreamer Girl said...

Darlene - an e-mail is on its way.
Love to you, as always.
xoxoxo

11:48 PM  
Anonymous Annie said...

{{{{DARLENE}}}}

You. Will. Prevail.

You are loved. Sending prayers your way. Rest and know that you're more than the Lupus (and infection of the tracts!).

Lots of love and hugs

Annie

12:23 AM  
Blogger Jemima said...

Can I just send a bit of strength? maybe some comfort? the hope that things are already improving?

Hugs XXX

12:57 AM  
Blogger Becoming Amethyst said...

sending you (((hugs))) from a quiet place in my heart.

xox

1:57 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

{{{Darlene}}}
I've been away for a while and have only now started to catch up on your last few posts. Honey, I'm so sorry you're having to got through this. It seems unfair to me. Too much has been placed on your shoulders to bear. I'm thinking of you and hoping with all my might that a clear diagnosis can be made soon and treatment can start. Surely that's not too much to ask, right? I'm lighting a candle and concentrating on you and your recovery. Love and strength to you, Darlene. Vxxx

2:08 AM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

I am standing with you. None of us will give up either. And God won't, either. I will be praying for you, my dear.

Love...Lynette

7:09 AM  
Blogger maggiegracecreates said...

We are praying for you - I don't know what else to say or do.

7:53 AM  
Blogger AnnieElf said...

Remembering you prayerly. Every thought is a prayer.

8:34 AM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

dar,
i love you and i wish so badly i could take away your physical pain.

something my eyes have been opened to lately is that YOU more than anyone know your body. i am learning to not put all of my trust and power into the hands of so called "experts" or other people's opinions. what is your body telling you? it knows best.

i have been studying an exercise called Body Talk. lay down in your bed with no interruptions. breathe deeply, slowly in and out, full breaths about three times. then listen, pay attention to all that is going on in your body. pains, twitches, etc. note each location of this pain. LISTEN. what is your body telling you? where does it want you to move? to the left, the right, curled up in a ball, flailling your hands around, bending your knees? do what it tells you to do.

this is an exercise to get you in touch with your body, apart from all the voices outside of yourself...these "outside influences" telling you what your body is or isn't feeling.

it's basically just a healing exercise to help take back your power from everyone else.

i am only sharing this with you because you started doubting yourself when that doctor shut the door behind you...and i want you to feel confident about your inner wisdom again.

i love you so much and am so sorry you have to endure this.

i am holding your heart in my sacred hands.

your sis,
denise

10:06 AM  
Blogger daisies said...

(((darlene)))

sending you love and strength, so much love and strength!!

10:21 AM  
Blogger Louise said...

((((HUGS))))
Darlene I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers...May God grant you a peace that passes all understanding as you go through this!!!

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I accidently came across your blog for the first time. My prays are going your way, I hope relief comes knocking soon for you.Sending you love from Down Under (aust) lilly

9:21 AM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Dear Darlene ... I wish I could say something profound, but all I can think right now is that I wish that all of us could be in the same room with you and surround you with our love and hugs. Sending you love, hope and healing thoughts, Deb

10:58 AM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

I haven't been around in a long while-and am so sad to come and raed this....I am sending you much love and warm wishes of fast speedy healing.

XOXOXOXO

8:36 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I wish I could say something that would help you...I can only add my prayers and good thoughts for you to all the others.

(((big hugs)))

Hold on.

:)

8:47 PM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

Saying a prayer that God will bring the right doctor into your life and bless this man with the wisdom and understanding he needs to correct the problem.

You are such a strong woman and I too wish that all of us who frequent your blog could just surround you with our love and prayers.

9:19 PM  
Blogger ~Bek~ said...

I love you.
Hugs, love and kisses...
Bx

11:18 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Praying and Loving you.

3:09 AM  
Blogger NancyJones said...

darlene... I am a lupus sufferer and I have nephritis *kidney involvment I get shingles constantly (have them in my right eye right now) I FEEL YOUR PAIN girl I know the empty stares they give us like ughmm YEAH right when we are in so much pain we just want to off ourselves. those stares are just so horrible I hate them. I feel your pain girl and I AM PRAYING FOR YOU and with you. KEEP POSITIVE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE DO NOT GIVE UP. SO many care about you and YOU WILL come through this YOU HEAR ME! If you need ever soemone to scream with or cry with or someone to make you laugh just holler Im your girl!

5:38 PM  

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