A Diamond in the Rocks

Whew...Monday was a really rough day. It has been 3 straight months of mostly bad days and when I go that long without a decent break, I begin to notice patterns in my life. Mondays have become blue for me and emotionally difficult. I assume I must have decided this as my 'marker' day, adding up yet another week ill. Another pattern, is my analysis at the beginning and ending of seasons. What have the last 4 months been like? What did I accomplish? Well, boo...they haven't been very easy. I've gone to the hospital 3 times (in an ambulance) which is really scary because that means I'm having a bad seizure and the neighborhood gets to see me in my bra and I'm extremely modest (;#). I haven't been able to go see my daughter, or go anywhere that requires significant driving and I've just been staying at high levels of pain for weeks...it's exhausting and not very fun. And... after 165 posts, I got my first hurtful comment. My first reaction was 'ouch' and then I went to anger, then contemplation. I really wanted to be honest with myself, thus contemplating the comment made in the context of what I choose to say on my blog verses what I choose to keep private. That is something that all of you lovelies get to do also...choose, and why we have that cute little trash can in our control. We get to decide what goes out and what comes in, if your fast enough and on your bloggie toes. I have no idea how many of you lovelies got to read the anonymous comment and see my reaction that I ended up completely deleting. :) Are you curious yet? [Basically, anon (which cracks me up and that's an entirely different subject) has experienced the death of her mother and told me that I dwell too much on death and therefore put my family through premature grief. According to her, Lupus is not a life threatening disease, so I need to appreciate life more.] Wow! Geez! Dang! &%#$! There are 2 kinds of Lupus: one that is external and causes severe rashes and Systemic lupus, which is internal and life threatening. I have systemic and unfortunately it is also a 'sister disease' that sometimes accompany other diseases. (meaning...some people that have syst. lupus also have another disease with it...bummer :( ~I have had many emails from people wanting to know exactly what kind of symptoms I have and I choose to keep most of that information in my email correspondences, but I will tell you that, I battle more than just lupus and have faced death on occations (plural). And when I'm in the middle of a seizure, the look on my family's faces surely reflect, that my life is being threatened.

On the other hand, I feel that I have opened myself up enough to give most people an idea of where I'm coming from and that process has produced connections with other people who suffer. We comfort, support, listen with first hand experience and give love, a very healing and magical process. ~I pondered anon and wondered...Do I focus on death? Am I that negative? Do I make myself sound like I am dying, therefore causing people to grieve my oncoming death? Do I not inspire hope and perseverance, because that was my intent on making this decision to blog.

I was bummed!

And something I've known all along became a rock of reality. {HOLD YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE IN YOUR COMMENTING} We are forming opinions about other peoples lives that we don't even really know. You and I....we only know a tiny piece of most of each others stories. We don't know their history, their baggage, we don't know the whole picture. We don't know how volatile they are or their situations, so even if we say, "I don't mean this to sound unkind, but....." I'm sorry, it simply is unkind, if you have to begin your sentence with those words. It just so happened that on that very day, I was having an incredible migraine, throwing up, and waiting for my husbands 2nd CAT scan results, had posted a honest to goodness brutal picture of myself (Nov. 10)...and wham! Anon graced me with her pearls of wisdom. None of you knew any of this, but all of you said the most wonderful things to me that day. It gave me peace and on this particular day...I really needed it. Angels, all of you!
Here's some advice for any anon's out there...just a thought...if you feel you really have to 'share' like that, please email me and give me the opportunity to know who you are, listen to your story and willingly give you more of mine. I would gladly exchange our experiences :) That is one of the ways we learn and I love learning :-)

We will never know what our lovely blog friends have to wake up to. We won't know what crisis may be looming around them, all the more reason to use the comment sections as avenues of peace, words, like kind gifts.
Sometimes, what you say to someone, may be just like a diamond sitting on top of what feels like a pile of rocks.