Sunday, April 15, 2007

My Freedom to Rant


It bothers me that I'm feeling guilt on top of the intense pain I woke up to this morning.

The stabbing pain, the involuntary cramping, the overall dull and deep ache that surpasses my thought processes and then the anger that I feel towards lupus, as if it were a person.

I hate lupus and it is a mean bully that has a voice that says things like,

"I don't care if you are exhausted, I'm in the mood to hurt you."

"I am here to make you miserable and the pain will last as long as I want it to."

"When you clench your teeth, hold your breath, flinch, moan and especially when you cry, I know that I am doing my job and I feel my arrogant pride in a job well done."

Lupus is evil and it is all the things an enemy wants to achieve with the one it is at war with. So many times I feel like it is a spiritual battle, my mind over matter, the challenge to not complain and keep a positive attitude, my faith and belief system. All these things come into play.

And if I fail at any one of those things, I feel guilt on top of what my mind body and spirit are trying to overcome.

It is Sunday, a day that thousands of people are right now gathering in their churches worshiping the Almighty and Thanking, feeling Grateful towards and will share their smiles and well wishing with one another....and me?

I am here in complete physical misery and my only question to the Lord I serve is, "Why?"

Forgive me Father, under all this war, is a heart that loves You, no matter what.

20 Comments:

Anonymous Dreamer Girl said...

~*~ Darlene ~*

If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I feel so helpless on this corner of the world, so far from yours.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Loving you,

XOXO Sil

11:09 AM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

We will never know the answers for our pain this side of heaven. I understand how you feel because I have had painful events in my life that made me question why a loving God would allow pain to enter into my life.

All I know is that He was with me every step of the journey... He never left my side and I know He is always at yours. He sees your tears and feels your pain and I know that He is using it for good.

You are an inspiration to so many who read your blog. In spite of the lupus you are a very talented and creative woman. You have been a witness to a watching "blogland" of your faith and your love.

I think of how strong you were during Mark's accident and recovery and I know that the God of the universe uses you in a mighty way.

My prayer is that you will feel much better soon and that you will be freed from any guilt that you are feeling. God sees your heart sweet woman.

12:44 PM  
Blogger BJ said...

Darlene - Feel better soon and know that all of us care about you and wish you better days ahead.....soon.....now!!!!!

12:52 PM  
Blogger wish studio said...

hope you are feeling well and full of light soon again...xo, mindy

4:04 PM  
Blogger Star said...

I always resolve to think more positive thoughts and make the best o things, but when faced with intense pain the next time I am once again left feeling like a wimp. You have so much strength, Darlene.

Sending healing thoughts your way, dear one...

xoxoxo Star

5:30 PM  
Blogger ~Bek~ said...

Sweets...
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
With Love
Bx

8:23 PM  
Blogger Sandy said...

Oh...I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain. I hope this flare is over soon Darlene. (((Darlene)))..take care...

sandy

8:49 PM  
Blogger Shari said...

Every time I feel depressed over my condition, I think about Job and what he went through. I think about others who endure pain and suffering. I keep thinking that God doesn't give us more than we can bear. He knows our limits. In a way, I believe He wants us to depend on Him, to stay close to Him.

I'm sorry you are going through another flare-up. God loves you. I am amazed at your strength. You inspire me. :)

9:08 PM  
Blogger luzie said...

Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. I'm thinking of you, and I'm sending you lots of healing vibes. xo

12:34 AM  
Anonymous suzie q said...

I sang my heart out in Church yesterday afternoon - for you! :) Don't worry sweetheart, and definitely do not feel guilty - for what?!! You are a blessing, and don't you forget it!
Much Love & big hugs, Suze xXx

2:30 AM  
Blogger Shaz said...

I as you believe in and worship his presence in my life and feel guilty when I am angry for what I have to endure. There is far worse off than I. That doesnt help with pain, anguish and the torture that ICD does. Know I pray for you and your life, your strength and your presence in my life even from a distance inspires me to no end.

I LOve You xxx

3:52 AM  
Anonymous Teresa Sheeley said...

He knows baby girl how much you love Him!!

We all need to pray hard for this lupus to be under control for you.

I am posting this on Monday morning, so I hope and pray that today you are pain free and can relax.

All my Love!!!
Teresa
xxxxooo

7:29 AM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

Oh my dear Darlene. I just can't imagine constant physical pain like this. I know that guilt of spiritual failing. But then I picture how much I love my boys no matter how many times they do something wrong. And how much I love to just hold and hug them when they will let me - whether or not they have said they were sorry yet. Then I picture the Perfect Father feeling that for you even more than I could possibly feel for my boys.

God reach into Darlene and take this pain away. I bind the spirit of guilt and command it to leave your daughter. Holy Spirit comfort and fill Darlene. Let her know you're ok with her being human and that you're there with her even when the pain doesn't stop. Thank you for loving my friend Darlene so much better than I ever could.

8:03 AM  
Blogger Marilyn said...

I also have lupus. Currently in remission, thank God. But I went for 3 years, seeing at least 5 doctors, before a diagnosis was made and treatment began.

I kept a journal during those years, spilling my guts, cursing God, wondering why my family couldn't understand what pain I was in, etc. and a couple of years ago I put some of the entries into a book: Diagnosis: Lupus: The Intimate Journal of a Lupus Patient. It's on Amazon.com, B&N online or at the publisher's site, PublishAmerica.com
Maybe you can draw some strength from some of my entries. And it's okay to cry with the pain and frustration. Some day, God willing, they will find a cure for this diabolical disease.
I also have a blog about lupus: it's http://www.IsItLifeOrIsItLupus.blogspot.com/
All I can say is, you will get better, in time. It's always worse before you are diagnosed and treated. I don't know how long you've had it, but it's been my experience that with proper treatment, you will get better.
Marilyn Morris

9:05 AM  
Blogger Wanda said...

My sweet Darlene:

As I read all the comments this morning, I see an "Army" of love and strength pouring out of each comment. You are not alone, The Father holds you in His arms, and all us us surround you with prayers.

I hope today is better. I'll call and see if you feel well enough for me to bring a Starbucks!

Love and Hugs and Prayers
Wanda Mom

11:15 AM  
Blogger Jenny Rough said...

So sorry you're in so much pain. I pray you feel better soon. I hate lupus too but I love your faith and writing and heart and soul.

6:54 PM  
Blogger Blue the Spa Girl said...

Darlene
I am sorry to hear about your pain. I hope you find some relief soon. You were in remission before no? What happened before to make you go into remission? I know Mark's accident sparked a flare up, what can make it go away??? Try to remember! xo

7:35 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

I'm so sorry you are in pain... :(

I don't know what can help, but I do know that the Lord hears your questions and your cries. He is okay with your anger, too. I think He knows how hard it is to be human, sometimes. So I say, let it out. He can take it! You are still always loved.

:)

10:31 PM  
Anonymous Annie said...

Dearest Darlene,

It's more than OK to feel like you do. God, more than anyone would understand that.

If your Lupus were a person, I have just given it one in the goolies.... Prayerfully of course!

Wrapping you in prayer. Be kind to yourself.

3:17 AM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

sweet sis,
i've been thinking of you all night and morning. i read this post yesterday but being on this cleanse has made me feel a bit loopy and unable to concentrate. i hear it gets better. so anyways, that is why i didn't comment right away.

sis...you have every right to feel whatever it is you feel about this. the last thing you need is to feel guilty about your feelings. rant, scream, cry, throw your hands up to the sky...we understand, we do. and you know what? without you knowing, we do that for you too.

it's not fair. it doesn't make sense...and sometimes it feels like a cruel joke. you deserve to feel light, happy, healthy and divine and i have no idea why this happened to you.

BUT...i am in awe of the lives you have touched through this illness. i am in awe of the healing that has taken place all over the world and within us, just watching your strength, grace and beauty through it all.

i always pray for you. i whisper healing thoughts your way. i never stop doing this because i never stop believing that you will be healed and rewarded for your bravery.

your Heavenly Father understands your anger. He doesn't shun you when you fight...he just holds you no matter what, just as you held your children when they wanted to fight you.

i love you and am holding you too.

love,
your lil sis
xoxo

8:22 AM  

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