you were loved

Yesterday we had to put this sweet doggie to sleep.
She has been a family member for 14 years and will be missed.
It is never an easy decision.
The house feels so empty.
Cleo...you are loved

monkey business

I kindly removed this from my foot
as they were bare and outside
looking closely I could see
these handy little compartments
each portal contained a seed
as food for the many birds
that visit my yard

nature is interesting in her wiles
to add the prickly part around this sphere
so when people like me are looking
up instead of down and barefoot
my stepping ended up gentle
rather than crushing it flat
rendering its seeds unprotected

this weekend I saw these very same things
in a booth at a craft show in town
they were all painted gold
and glued to pine cone wreathes for Christmas
I snickered to myself
Monkey Balls I call them
and this clever man has made a business of them

I rather they stay in the trees and the ground
shook loose from their pods
as the birds hop around
from one branch to another
no business for these Monkey's
but I hear the birds say
they are rather handy for eating out

my babies you'll always be

Mark & Angela















I wonder if other mommas go through as many awkward moments as I do with my children? It's not anything overt, or even really that noticeable, but I feel like such a dork in front of them sometimes. Give me a baby, a toddler, or a young child and I am extremely in my element. The teacher in me kicks in and my brain functions, turning everything into a lesson, that only I know is going on. But, adult children have already learned what I feel comfortable teaching. They need your ears and that strong ability to listen and know when they want your advice, or just want you to hear them. I have found that I am very awkward in this role. I have made mistakes over the past couple of years, where advice was not needed and then what you're saying turns into something that ends up sounding like a lecture and that is not what I meant to do.

I cannot stop being a parent, but I think I need to learn how to be a better parent to adult children. I need big parent ears and a lock on my mouth. I need to learn how to share my opinions more naturally, instead of making them sound as if they came from a lesson plan. This stage in my life proves to be yet another learning chapter for me and I am open to it.

thankful for...

a loving husband
two healthy kids
my fabulous mom and dad
and Mark
two awesome sisters
wonderful extended family
faithful friends
and Mark
a roof over my head
food in the fridge
my doggies
good health insurance
paid bills
and Mark
a free country
a good God
and I'm sure there is more

but, I have to say that I am extra thankful for my son Mark's life...that he is here on this Earth and going to school, excited about his future, that he even has a future to be excited about and he has such a great attitude, regardless of his physical setbacks. This last year, my mind has deeply pondered the fact that we almost lost him last December and every time I actually see him, my heart skips a beat. His big smile and bright eyes bring me such peace. He has become a hero to me and oh yes, this mother is so grateful and thankful for his life.

is your granny square?

In the evening, while watching TV, or sitting around with the hubs, keeping my hands busy is an integril part of controling my pain. The more intense the project, the less I focus on what is going on with my body.

Crocheting can get very intense when you attempt to try something new and this holiday season I prepared myself for battle with granny squares. I have different designs for 100 of them and they have me rivited.

Eventually, this will all turn into a Christmas blanket for my living room. Chronic pain is a funny duck...It can often be ignored and in that process, I get to learn new things and produce something special at the same time.

where I've been

tagged along with the hubby
who went to a conference
in the great city of San Francisco

stayed at the Hilton
ate lunch by a waterfall
looked at some one's wall art

drove around the beautiful seaside homes
saw familiar landmarks
was fascinated by the huge cargo ships

was soothed by the song of the ocean
layed back on the warm sand (under my umbrella ;)
chilled out in our lovely room

but, when it was all over
I had to admit
there's no place like home

autumn hung on

and so did i

Today is my first really well day
I had hurt too much for any mundane sounds in my environment
the TV stayed silent and in its place was soft music
I layed on my couch for hours and watched the wind blow through the leaves
at the end of one branch this small red leaf hung on
the others still green and yellow
their stems teeming with leftover life
and the knowledge that their time had not yet expired
but the red one
the one with the color of courage
and sometimes fear
was encouraged to cling
strength to not give up
and make it through
yet another storm
and so did I.

In my everlasting research on major diet changes, one source informed that it can take up to one full year before you can really see the difference that the new diet is going to make in your body. The idea of having to be consistent and wait an entire year, is enough to discourage someone and that is why I think so many people give up and don't make it through the long haul.
One Entire Year...of Gluten Free Eating
However, if you're desperate enough, you'll do anything to be healthy again. And I am just that desperate. This last flare came the day after I resisted a major temptation. I asked myself..."Please, just this one time?" and I said, "No!"

Like a punishment, for not giving into my body's craving, I woke up the next day in excruciating pain and the inner battle began.
Two voices having it out in my head.
One telling the other all the reasons this new diet isn't working.
The other listing off every rational statistic of proof that it does work,
you need patience and consistency.
The rational and right voice made the better argument
and my cravings were told to firmly shut up!
But don't give me too much credit yet...
because I cried just like a child who didn't get their way.
I cursed the damn diet and screamed at the food on my special shelf.
I reluctantly ate the gluten free items
while envy bled from my heart, as I watched the others freely eat.
I cursed and punished them in my mind
and mocked that rational voice...
and then I got over it
and stopped being dramatic
and I'm still Gluten Free.
Yes...I'm still GF Gluten Free.

very sick girl

Hello blog friends and beauties
I have been very sick for the last few days.
It's been awhile since I've hit bottom this hard.
I'm sending sugar your way and humbly ask
for some sent around my way too :)

Thanks so much
hugs and love
xOx Darlene

lost in translation

I am learning that:

GF stands for "Gluten Free"

~ standing in a specialty foods isle and looking at unfamiliar foods is a daunting task. Some items make it very clear through their packaging exactly which products are gluten free. Others try using a different approach, "Let's make our products look like regular products and just put the initials GF in our titles." Well, I was in a frustrated mood, feeling overwhelmed and my negative mind energy was in overdrive. I saw GF and thought it meant Good Frickin (but the bad F word). So here I am, tired, frustrated, in a bad mood and I'm mentally reading packages with titles like:
"The Best GF Cookie Batter in the World"
"The Best GF Hot Cereal in the World"
"The Best GF Crackers in the World"
and in my mind, I'm replacing GF with Good Frickin (but the bad F word) and I'm thinking, "Geez, this company has a lot of balls to use that phrase for their products?!" So, just then my girlfriend points to one of the very same products I am mulling over and says, "Hey look... Gluten Free Cookies, Cereal, Pancakes...Wow!"

And it dawns on me, in a 2x4, hit me over the head with a block of wood, kind of way, that GF stands for "Gluten Free" and NOT Good Frickin!

needless to say, I felt like an idiot, realized what a mind numbing, negative thinking state that I was in...and all I could do was laugh at myself...and I do mean belly laughing...

...out loud, I think I'm going to pee my pants, kind of laughing.

Through my gasps of air and lower half tight muscle control, I sporadically tried to explain my warped thought process about the whole matter...but it was lost in the translation and only I could understand the full funny bone of it all.

I am such an A class dork and seriously think lupus is slowly withering away my sanity.

At the least...I'm still laughing at myself and now have my own "inside joke" with GF...which by the way, unfortunately does not ring true for how I think Gluten Free foods taste at all.

So, until I get used to them...they are "The Worst F Foods in the World"

cozy yummy yarns

With Halloween behind me, all I can think about is Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year we are extra excited because last year we spent Christmas in the hospital with Mark struggling for his life. We have so much to be grateful for that I can't say "Thank You" enough. Winter is pushing it's way up from the ground and there is a new chill in the air.

When that happens, in this house we start shopping for yarn... cozy yummy yarns. I stood before this particular display and just stared at it, a feast for my eyes. Ewephoric Yarns is my absolute favorite shop to visit, their selection is fabulous and you can be guaranteed to find some of the most unusual exotic yarns from all over the world.





I have pulled out my
crochet needles and
my Knifty Knitter is
raring to go :)


It's the season to
go Ewephoric!