Monday, November 26, 2007

my babies you'll always be

Mark & Angela















I wonder if other mommas go through as many awkward moments as I do with my children? It's not anything overt, or even really that noticeable, but I feel like such a dork in front of them sometimes. Give me a baby, a toddler, or a young child and I am extremely in my element. The teacher in me kicks in and my brain functions, turning everything into a lesson, that only I know is going on. But, adult children have already learned what I feel comfortable teaching. They need your ears and that strong ability to listen and know when they want your advice, or just want you to hear them. I have found that I am very awkward in this role. I have made mistakes over the past couple of years, where advice was not needed and then what you're saying turns into something that ends up sounding like a lecture and that is not what I meant to do.

I cannot stop being a parent, but I think I need to learn how to be a better parent to adult children. I need big parent ears and a lock on my mouth. I need to learn how to share my opinions more naturally, instead of making them sound as if they came from a lesson plan. This stage in my life proves to be yet another learning chapter for me and I am open to it.

15 Comments:

Blogger dreamergirl said...

All i can share is this: what i look for most of the time, when i talk to my mom & dad or grandma [or you :)] is for someone to hear me. and not so much answers to my questions.

I am at an age where i think i should and know i can, find my own answers. But it is always nice to hear stories about how other people dealt with certain situations. Being given tools is also very helpful to me.

I'm grateful for all those times you listened to me rambling on :)

love you xox

2:11 PM  
Blogger ::Bek Geach:: said...

Dar... your children are gorgeous. I am sure they appreciate your words of wisdom, you are a parent, but also a friend.

So grateful that Mark is doing so well and happy.

Angela too.

(hugs)
Bx

3:00 PM  
Blogger CONNIE W said...

Two drop-dead-gorgeous grown-up kids there!

4:29 PM  
Blogger Trish Ryan said...

What a great family! Life would be so dull if we were always graceful and easy. Sometimes awkwardness is good. I'm not sure what I mean by that, but it seems like your attempts to be real and loving with your kids does them way more good then if you were simply perfect all the time.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

Oh Darlene: Are they not just the most beautiful adult children. You never stop parenting...Believe me I get myself in trouble all the time...I like your advice "Big Ears" Zipped Mouth!! I need to learn that too.
Love and Hugs
Wanda Mom

6:23 PM  
Blogger ell said...

I like your phrase, "I cannot stop being a parent". So very, very true.

It took me awhile, but I've learned that big ears, zipped mouth pays big dividends. You know it works when they come to you for advice when they really need it. :-)

p.s. I found your site not too long ago and have been dropping by ever since.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

just having these concerns, just taking the time to care, to want to adapt, to want to try this on their behalf... makes you the best possible mum to me.
Vx

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

We never stop being parents... our lives God willing will be intertwined with these children the res of our lives. I don't think that they understand that until they have children of their own however.

It is difficult being a parent to adult children and gets more complicated after they marry. I try not to meddle, to ask the right quesions, to never visit without being invited and yet at times I too can feel the awkwardness.

We just need to trust that we are the women that God designed us to be... we will make mistakes along the way, but hopefully God's grace and the love that we have instilled in these precious kids will be enough to keep us all connected forever.

They are beautiful kids and so blessed to have you as a Mom...

9:35 AM  
Blogger Mary Timme said...

It really works when I remember that this 40 year old sitting near me is a young/middle aged person who has been shaped by life in a unique way. That mumble of 'ummmm,' works really well; all you have to do is have the right look on your face and ears and the occasional ummmm! They do all the work.

For me, I used to sit up nights crying and at the time chain smoking worrying if I was ruining any chances I had to do it right when they were young, but now, you just get to enjoy and admire. You still know how to love them. Don't worry so much. They are beautiful in more than just the physical and so are you!

1:17 PM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Mommas don't have a corner on the "teaching" market. I am an inveterate problem solver. (This comment is just one more example. tee hee)

Your children are beautiful to you and to the rest of us. We only have the photos of them. You have the wonderful place of being in their presence and they in yours.

I wish you well in your search for a manner in which to relate to them as adults who happen to be your children.

It is a constant effort on our journey through life to learn how to do it.

1:49 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

Hmmmm. Interesting. When I get to that stage, I'll have to let you know how I do. But as a daughter, I'll tell you this: don't stop trying to share. In my 20's, I was too cool for anything. But now I realize I still need my mom's wisdom. She started holding back at some point - because I had probably been less than receptive. So now, I'm constantly telling her, no mom, TELL me what you think! I want to know! Keep it going. You're never really fully a dork to them. Even if they act like you are.

9:58 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

mmmm...i miss them.

it always means so much to me when mom and dad say things that empower me. those times when i spill my inner most feelings and instead of giving me advice, they ask me questions to help me figure it out on my own. this gives me a sense that they believe in me and that i don't need to be fixed and that my own voice is really strong.

i think this can also be true with friends, siblings, etc.

this is a huge lesson that i am learning about advice lately, so i find it interesting that you wrote about it today.

i love you, sister!

11:03 AM  
Blogger BJ said...

Darlene - this is a great post....so honest. I can feel where you are coming from here. I know at times I just want to give advise.....but I have to hold back. It is hard cause as a parent we want their lives to be perfect....even though ours weren't. Sometimes I just want to tell them what I see....but I know that I can't. I really try to zip my mouth.....sometimes it doesn't work. Our children know that we love them and don't feel bad....cause I'm a dork too! We are who we are.....but we still try to soothe and comfort....that's cause we are momma's!

Your children are just beautiful and so lucky to have you as their mom! Hugs coming your way!

2:54 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Dar-

I loved when my mom was interested enough to listen to me.

It seems you already are a good-no fabulous mama. The fact that you see that sometimes you give unsolicited advice is huge.

I try to do this with my friends as the teacher in me also comes out.

I was a teacher for 10th graders and my close (some continue to this day connection was asking them questions and just saying "wow that must be hard" or how unfair that must feel".

Teaching was such a tremendous gift for me-as I had a rough teenage time and I learned a lot. Yet I still have to work on keeping my mouth shut:) and I imagine I iwll have these same struggles when my boy gets big and grown up.

Your children are so beautiful. The fact that they come to you with things means you are doing what they need you to do: caring.

Love to you sweet one

3:33 AM  

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