Thursday, February 15, 2007

Can We See the Elephant Lying in the Pearls?

Valentines day is over and I must confess to being a party pooper for this one. I think I'm still a little raw from Marks accident and I wasn't quite ready to celebrate yet, however Mark spent the day with his 'friend' of the female type, at his own house down the street from us. Our house felt strangely empty and my mind kept wandering over to the bedroom that he is staying in, feeling like I needed to bring in water, juice or a milkshake. Nope, he's not here today. So, what did I do on Valentines Day?....

We talked about the Elephant that shows up once in a know, the one that everyone ignores until his size becomes so enormous and you can no longer avoid him. Oh...we see the pearls, the counted blessings, all the reasons to be thankful...Yet, smack dab in the center of all those wise orbs sits our Elephant. His name is "Stress" and this household has had it's share of it for waaaaaay too long now. Some people thrive on stress, I don't. Some people like to stir things up, I don't. Some people like to be in complete control, I don't function well living in any of those atmosphere's. Therefore...I need a good, old fashioned rant!

Sometimes: (please say this word before each sentence)

I resent being sick.
I think people who aren't sick take good health for granted and it makes me angry.
I want people to just show up at my doorstep prepared to help me, instead of waiting for me to have to ask them.
I want to smack people who tell me that I look fine.
I feel like my self worth is slowly being siphoned from my person.
I take my medicine regularly, but in my heart, I hate each stinkin pill.
I wonder what the hell is there left for me to accomplish.
I feel like no one understands the intense loneliness that chronic illness brings.
I feel like my prayers hit the ceiling and fall to the ground.

Some of you may be wondering, "Why in the world would she feel any of this right after her son survived and lived through such a terrible accident?"

The answer is....because I am a human being, I'm tired, I'm sick of being sick and Mark is no longer the center of our focus. Now that I am done wearing my 'nurturing' hat, I'm back to being just plain, predictable me. It gets old.

Sorry, Hope my blues didn't bleed into your laundry.


Blogger Gracey said...

Yep, it is natural to feel all the ways you are feeling sometimes. We are human and we can't always help it when the blues take over, but the good thing is, from what I can tell about you, you don't allow those things to control your life and you do find the happy things in life more often than not.

I hope and pray you have a better day tomorrow!

1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there,

I have been 'closet' reading your blog for a long time now, and held my breath through Mark's crash, rejoiced and let out a loud 'whoop' when he came through the worst, and shed a silent tear when I read your words of the pain you and your family have gone through as a result of the trauma.

Even though I live in the land downunder in Australia, please know that I send you healing cyber space thoughts and have lit many a candle for your family.

I too suffer from chronic ill health, and understand everything you have written in your post. It can be such a lonely place even though you are surrounded by people and noise and life being lived all around you. But i also want you to know that by reading your story you have helped me enormously, by empowering me with your thoughts and your words and your blatant honesty in sharing your emotions as raw as they maybe.

So thankyou~!

2:52 AM  
Blogger Cape Cod Kitty said...

Once again, you completely amaze me with your ability to see your life as it is in the moment. That awareness is half the battle and the fact that you feel resentment for the way it is, will help the "blues" to vanish. Your spirit will shine through. In my life I have almost always experienced the place you are in after any major event - good or bad - it seems to be part of the yin and yang of life...go with it...your joyous spirit will always rise to the top for you to savor once more. Give yourself permission to retreat for a bit, you have earned it....introspection can be cathartic. When you feel bad, you feel bad. It is OK!
What a treat to hear that Mark was at his own place for awhile.
Sending you clarity, peace, and ease.

2:52 AM  
Anonymous Annie Morris said...

Dearest Darlene,

I hear you, boy do I hear you! Rant away, it's gooooooood to let it go. It is healthy.

I hate it when you feel you have to explain to people, (especially those closest to you) that you haven't managed to do XYZ because you couldn't keep awake...... (Guess who 'fell' asleep for 6 hours in the middle of the day today!?!) They just don't seem to get it.

You will overcome. Take the time you need, vent the rage. You will overcome.

With much love

Annie (fellow SLE fighter)

3:35 AM  
Blogger Fern said...

You are so totally amazing. I have Sometimes too.

3:56 AM  
Blogger Constance said...

ognshdyWhat are (blogger) friends for? The stuff that overwhelms us and brings us to our knees, makes us stronger when we allow the Holy Spirit to comfort, guide us and teach us. I struggle with an auto-immune disorder and some days I have just wanted to smack the nest person who even TRIED to cheer me up! I have learned that transperancy is a good thing. It makes you more approachable to others. They see and sense someone who won't judge them and will let them be themselves regardless of the circumstances. Hang in there, it will get better by and by!
Hugs from Texas,

3:59 AM  
Blogger Constance said...

That jibberish at the beginningof my comment is the word verification that somehow encroached on the body text! Sorry!

4:01 AM  
Blogger gena said...

You have been through such a massive trauma lately, no wonder you feel like this, go with the flow Darlene, let it out and let it pass, brighter days are ahead.

4:28 AM  
Blogger The Whole Self said...

i love your honest. most people aren't brave enough to bare it all.

hugs xo

6:37 AM  
Blogger Angela Marie said...

Hey Sweetie~

It is very understandable for you to be feeling this way. You have been through alot lately. Let yourself feel this and get it out.

Thank You for being so completely honest. I hope and pray that you have a better day today.


6:44 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

All those feelings sound completely normal to me and I firmly believe in the stress-relieving properties of a good, old-fashioned rant.

I hope your stress eases soon, Darlene. I want you to have lots of good days - not just the sort of good days related to Mark's improvement, wonderful as that is, but days that are good for you on a more personal level, days where you feel calm and happy and essentially Darlene.

7:21 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...

This sounds like you're beginning to take care of yourself again, to pay attention to your needs. And it's a good sign that the crisis with Mark has passed. I think you're entitled to several good rants. Rant away - we'll listen.

7:35 AM  
Anonymous suzie q said...

Hello fellow human being :) I recognise a lot of those feelings - wouldn't wish them on anyone, but there they are and out they come! Well done, Darlene, for spitting them out and being so aware of what's troubling you. Half the battle already won! :)
Love you so, Suze xXx

8:23 AM  
Blogger Star said...

I'm sorry you're feeling low right now; the blues catch up with all of us now and then. Sometimes I think times of stress just leave us worn out and empty.

Sending you love and hugs and an e-mail question to refill your cup.

xoxo Star

8:26 AM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

D~ these rough days are so trying; you have spend so many weeks concentrating on Mark healing and you are worn down. If I were you, I try to focus on those little daily things that bring me joy...even if they are simple. Let those little joys build in your heart and rest with them. :-) Continue to be gentle with yourself....

Despite the fact that you were not "feeling" V-day this year, I am sure that you are still surrounded by love...and I send you more.

hugs and love to you...

9:13 AM  
Anonymous mindy said...

just sharing some light and some love with you on your blue day...we've all had them, and your's too shall pass. hope i "pinked" you up just a little bit! here's an extra dose of x's and o's...hugs

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Robyn said...

A big hug across the blogasphere from me to you.

9:26 AM  
Anonymous teresa sheeley said...

Hmm, let's see if I can help get you out of your funk...

Always (please say this before each sentence)

I am a fighter of this illness I have.

People should be more aware of illnesses that strike other people and remember them.

People should be ready and willing to help you without you asking them.

People see my beauty shining through even when I feel I do not look my best.

God will lift me up when I am weak and tired and feel lifeless.

I will hate taking my stinkin pills :) **who wouldn't** I don't even like taking vitamins...

I have so many things to accomplish. I have so many necklaces to make, I can't wait to get them done! And my kids, they need me everyday for something.

I am a voice for people who have chronic illness, so they know they are not alone.

My prayers go beyond the ceiling, bounce of walls and are heard and I am blessed.

Okay, so I know this was corny probably, but I really care about what you are feeling and wanted to give you a slight chuckle. We are here for ya baby!! You have helped me so many times i cannot tell you, so keep up your work and I just love your honesty. You are a true gem!!

((((hugs and kisses)))

ps. I have word verification dyslexia, it took me 3 trys to get it right, geezzzz..

10:05 AM  
Blogger Becoming Amethyst said...

You go Dar!

Wish I could just turn up on your door and take care of you. I promise I would tell you that you looked like crap everyday (wink!!!!)

I don't think all your prayers hit the floor though. A ladybird just flew in through the window, and I could've sworn she was carrying one of yours with her, all the way over to me :D

An email coming your way now with a pretty picture of a very talented woman's handiwork...

love x x x x

11:32 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

you have every right to feel down and depressed and whatever you need to feel, girl. it's OK, it's nothing to feel badly about, it's life. you're fighting a tough battle every day and doing a hell of a job. thank you for being honest...we all love you for it.


11:35 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

we all have our sometimes...sharing them is a way for us to connect through our humanity...thank your for sharing yours...

11:44 AM  
Blogger Jemima said...

You are human and I don't think you need to apologise for having a moan on your blog. You seem to have the right combination of appreciating the blessings and letting off steam.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Cindie said...

Oh Darlene you are real ... I think of you as being like the rabbit in the story the Velveteen rabbit. You are real because you have been and are being loved by so many.

It has to be difficult enough to cope with your own chronic illness and then on top of that to have to face what you needed to for and with Mark. Give yourself permission to be a little's ok.

My prayers are with you and I hope that the sun will peak through your clouds very soon :)

12:56 PM  
Blogger AnnieElf said...

Rant away. It's healthy especially when aimed at a supportive group that doesn't mind when someone lets it "fly". We all have these moments, or will. Life is like that. So rant away. You have earned it. Soon enough you will feel more yourself and then you will find yourself able to give to someone beyond you or Mark. Right now you are the receiver. Keep the arms wide open, hon.

12:59 PM  
Anonymous meg said...

Lay it on - I feel pretty good today, so I'll take on a little of your burden today. Can you feel it yet? I'll keep trying....

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

Thanks for being so honest and open about your feelings. We are all just human beings, and sometimes we forget and go on and on like we're superwoman or something...I'm glad your wrote about these feelings, so I had a chance to read this and remind myself to be human too.

Loving you,

XO Sophier

2:46 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

sometimes we all need to let it out and know that its okay and it is ...

warm hugs!

3:50 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I second everything our wise friend Deb R said. You deserve good days -and I'm sure you've got lots of them just around the corner -and a good old rant -as you know- is great medicine (that and a good old cry, a good old mope, a good old scream, etc.)
I sent a little something your way today. Hope you have fun with it.

3:54 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

It must be that kind of a day?

Thank you for your honesty.

Sometimes I wonder what the hell we all were thinking when our souls agreed to come here?

4:48 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

Funny, when I read your Pearls and Elephants this morning, the first thing that came to my mind was the Velveteen Rabbit. Your friend Cindie felt that too. I was reminded of the conversation between Skin Horse, and the rabbit.
"Does becoming real hurt?" rabbit asked, "Somtimes" replied Skin Horse because he was always truthful.
What makes you so authentic and transparent is your hurt! I hate that you hurt, but your hurt is reaching out and touching and helping so many people across the globe. Just keep being you, Darlene, just keep being you.
I love you every day!

5:13 PM  
Blogger Chulita said...

Darlene, don't ever feel bad for feeling the way you do---we are not our feelings, feelings just are--and I think it is wonderful when someone can feel them, acknowledge them, and especially share them with others. You are right on schedule----when the accident occurred you had no other focus but Mark's situation and then his slow recovery, and now that he is truly on his way to recovery, you can finally start to experience your own feelings about your own state of health. You will pull through this too. Vent and rage all you want until you are spent--that is the best thing you can do for yourself. My prayers continue. I will go back to lighting a candle just for you now. Take care and sending lots of love your way.

6:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Darlene.

Sometimes I can relate on many levels, even though my circumstances aren't the same, but there are times, the "feel" or "emotion" seems so familiar. Just sending some hugs your way, because that is sometimes all that is needed, just to listen and "wish" on some level to be able to help but knowing that distance doesn't allow it.

I do hear you though...and your blues are just fine...


7:22 PM  
Blogger amy said...

Let it go. The "sometimes" need to be said. It's okay to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know that I feel that way sometimes too. I will pray the your stress dissolves like the airborne tab did this evening after I dropped it into my glass of water, and I will pray for pockets of joy to show up at your door.

8:10 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

Man I hear you. Loving you from Texas...Lynette

8:25 PM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Sometimes, I realize that real friends know all that and still accept me. :)

1:26 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...


I just have to get this shit out of my system.

I need to wallow in moroseness.

I want to make things rosy again so I don't have to feel this way.

I want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

I think it is all for naught.

And Sometimes...

I recognize my blesssings. You are among them.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Ah, Dar ... many of us have those "sometimes" feelings. I think it is perfectly normal of you to start to focus back on the day-to-day struggles you face once the crisis has subsided.
Thinking of you, Deb

10:34 PM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

It's so refreshing to read an honest and open post. I think there's a huge rush/let-down after something traumatic happens in your life and going back to the regular day-to-day can fall flat.

I think the 'sometimes' list is a good one to get out, if only to see how much you've been holding in and also, to see how much you have to be grateful for.
The one line that really resonated with me is the 'sometimes I want to smack people when they say I look fine'. I think everyone's intention is to make someone feel better when they don't but when I'm feeling bad about myself or feeling down, the last thing I want is someone to point out what they think I want to hear.

3:59 AM  
Blogger Jenny Rough said...

Am catching up on your blog today and your posts are always so honest and real and I just love visiting here.

11:28 AM  

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