Thursday, September 20, 2007

the sound of silence

( my response to a very special email sent to me ) & (Friday mornings email)

Sweet sweet darling woman ~*~

Thank you for emailing me ...I completely needed it. I have been silent, so incredibly silent. I don't know what to post about, what to say, or even how to react to what is going on with me right now. I have been in the most immobilizing pain I have ever felt, for such a long period of time. By the end of every night, I am flat on my back and unable to move. Something in my abdominal area isn't right. I can't even begin to tell you how many different tests I have had...with no answers. Today I am fasting and drinking a bucket of gross stuff in preparation for a colonoscopy tomorrow at 10 am. I'm scared and thinking the worst. Silly...I know, but it's my truth. I am scared and frustrated, confused and trying to remain so very positive. My husband says I'm doing great, but he can't read my mind. I see the fear in his eyes too and it's like neither one of us wants to speak out loud what we are thinking.

My hope, is that it is an easy fix. If any kind of surgery is required, we are going to fight for a second opinion at Stanford Medical Clinic....a really big fight with insurance to get approval. I don't know if I am up for that fight. How can I blog and say...I'm almost ready to give up and I am scared have out of my mind? How can I say that I am discouraged with my God? Wondering where He is and what is the point to all of this? I feel like my life is such a waste of time. Yes, my husband says that he couldn't do the things he does without my emotional support and friendship...Yes, my children say that I am the one person on this Earth that they love so much and trust...

but am I being selfish to want something more than that? I want to teach the woman's bible study, I want to get my jewelry business up and running, heck, I just want to go to church?!

I hate lupus...and right now I'm not that crazy about me either. I needed this rant, please don't feel like you have to respond and solve any of my problems, I just appreciated the soft hug of you reaching out.

Thank you, my love
warm hugs
XOXO Darlene

( the email I sent to my family this morning)


It is 6am and my nerves, on top of the pain, are keeping me awake. Yesterday was horrible. I cried like a baby on the bathroom floor. The Bowel formula didn't react with me very well and I had the IBS attack of a lifetime. I've had cluster migraines for the last 3 days on top of that. I was in the bathroom from 6pm until 11pm. Then, got up every hour after that. Jay is going to have to wheel me into the hospital today.

I am bone weary. I'm looking forward to the sleep that will come when this procedure is finished. I'm hanging on by threads right now. Long ago, Jesus cried in a garden, bathrooms have always seemed to be my place to be a raw human being. Thank God He meets us even there.

I love you all, please say a prayer for J, this is so extremely hard on him. I think that seeing someone you love suffer, is a cross equally hard to bare. He will report back to you any results from today.

I'm starving for something solid and non-nutritious, like a maple nut scone and a green tea frappichino. All I've eaten in the last 36 hours is 2 quarts of some thick soapy concoction that tried to imitate 7up.

Lemon Lime sucks

xoxoxo Dar


Anonymous Loretta said...

I checked eagerly each day to see if you posted. After such a long time, I began to worry. I even checked your sister's blog to see if she would mention if something serious was going on.

It was with relief that I saw your post. I thank the lady who had the sense and heart to email you.

I offer my prayers, white light, healing thoughts, friendship, care, concern. It sucks. It truly sucks.

But you are such a presence. You are here for a reason.

Don't give up. They'll figure it out. You will overcome. You will go to church.

You are awesome.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...


You know how I feel. How much I care. I'm so glad that you decided to post this in the end. Your friends will be so grateful for the chance to voice their love.

Your candle is burning strong here beside me.

Good luck tomorrow.

4:28 PM  
Blogger dreamergirl said...

You're in my heart

1:22 AM  
Blogger Redness said...

My heart goes out to you ... have you given up wheat & dairy this will help for sure! Be well soon.

5:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

darlene, it breaks my heart to think of you and your family in so much pain. please know that i am thinking of you and praying hard...xoxo...(((the biggest hug of all)))

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

Sweet Darlene... God has such bigger plans for you ... even though maybe, you can't see that right now.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this and I know that it is difficult to hang on when the pain overshadows everything in your life.

I wish that I lived closer so that I could just sit and pray with you, make you some yummy Portuguese food and just be a friend who would listen and help in any way I could.

I pray that the Doctors will be able to fix whatever it is that's wrong and that you will have relief from all of this pain.

My prayers are with you and J... hang on sweet sister and know that the One who created you feels your pain... He weeps as well.

8:30 AM  
Blogger dreamergirl said...

Candles are lit.
Incense is burning, a nice soothing japanese one I brought back from finland.
And I'm wearing faith.
Big smooch!

9:20 AM  
Blogger Star said...

Although you weren't seeking comments, I just want you to know that you're close in my thoughts today. Whatever may come, know that you have support here.

xoxo Star

12:04 PM  
Blogger Mary Timme said...

I love you, Darlene! I'm praying for you! Lemon lime and disease suck, I agree!

12:37 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

I wish I could lie on the bathroom floor with you. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and magically make it all go away.

You have no idea how many you are blessing with this post. That's one of God's mysterious gifts.

Thank you for sharing so openly. I love you. I won't stop my praying for you.

12:39 PM  
Blogger daisies said...

thinking of you ~ sending you warm thoughts and care ... good luck tomorrow!

2:19 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

i love you so much.
we are all holding your hand.
you are not alone.

believe in yourself the way we all do, my sweet sis.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Wanda said...

Darlene, "The Sound of Silence" is a precious, honest post that reaches into the depths of my soul. I love you. You will always be my hero. And, will be teaching that Bible Study! You will! And I'll be their at your feet as your student. Love you darling, love you.
Wanda Mom

5:51 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

I have been worried about you, knowing something must be terribly wrong.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, that you will have the strength you need to come out well.

6:44 PM  
Blogger To be wild and perfect for one moment. said...

I too have been checking daily and earnestly sending strength and love. I was so relieved to read your post. I so so sympathise. It's so unfair that such a lovely person should have to suffer so much. Know that all our thoughts are with you, from all parts of this world!
Big big hugs to you from England Sweetie.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous meg said...

Aw, Darlene - God help you, and I mean that as a prayer offered up on your behalf. This must be taking such a soul on your spirit, not to mention your body. I also pray that the drs will be able to determine exactly what is causing you so much pain and trouble, and that you'll be on the mend soon.


4:18 PM  
Anonymous luzie said...

((darlene)) i'm sending loving and warm thoughts your way.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Sandy said...

I sure wish you weren't going through all this, how tough it must be for you and your family.

Lots of hugs and good wishes for you...


12:03 PM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

I am so sorry for what your are going thru. Please hang in there and know even in the darkest hours he is still there somehow. I have been where you are with my faith for quite awhile and only now feel as though I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up!!
I will be thinking of you tommorrow.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Dear Darlene,

I'm so saddened to hear that you've been struggling so ... I pray the tests provide a healing direction.

Peace & love, xx, Deb

8:21 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

Sweet friend,

I am sending you all the warm healing thoughts I can.


9:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...I know that other words don't really make a difference when you feel so down...but know that you are not alone...

Have you read Brandon Bays's The Journey....think you have to!

Hugs and loads of love,

12:20 PM  
Blogger Michael J said...

Last night I had a dream, and there was a phrase in it I tried to remember- and I can't exactly- I guess dream words are somehow meta-verbal. It started "My God walks in..." as in "walks in peace" or "walks alone" or something like that. I thought maybe I read it somewhere so I searched for the phrase and Google matched this: "How can I say that I am discouraged with my God? Wondering where He is and what is the point to all of this? I feel like my life is such a waste of time."

This led me to your beautiful blog... lovely photos, thoughts, poems. I'm sorry for your pain, and grateful for your sharing. It resonates very much with me. The feeling is like coming around the bend on a walk at spotting something half hidden and very special. Just wanted to say thanks, and may God bless you more.

7:56 AM  

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