Cracks

~Today I Decided To Cry~

and this is a decision for me because when I cry I get migraines, so I try to keep myself from doing this knowing there will be a price to pay. But today, the small things found their way into the cracks of my armor and I made the decision to stop holding my breath and just let it happen.

I covered my face with the wet damp towel I used for my just washed hair and I cried. The hard kind of cry that feels like you're weeping for your whole life. Immediately, I feel selfish knowing that I have so many things to be thankful for, those people and families that are much worse off than myself, but I can't help it. Once the gate is open the flood is too forceful and the tears are unstoppable.

I almost feel too weak to do this, but now the choice is made and I already feel the weight lifting and the pound begin to hurt in my head. Today, I am loosing some hope for myself, something I have plenty of for other people besides myself. I imagine God feeling sorry for me and this makes it worse. I have learned that asking why just makes me feel pitiful, scared and that He too is disappointed in me.

I realize that people, lovely friends and family, will be reading this, but this is one for the Almighty Archives. This is one I want my children and grandchildren to read so they know that these moments do come in life and it's normal. It's okay to cry about the things we do not understand and that in between each paragraph I have held that towel up to my face feeling sorrow and loneliness.

I can't say it enough, that Lupus feels like a mean trick to pull on someone with my personality and character traits. Someone so used to doing seven things at once and making it look like one. Someone who smiled at work and acknowledged everyone else with a cheery hello and eager listening ears. I felt like a light, an actual ray of sunshine meant to make others feel happier and loved. Now those days are just memories to me and because of this I feel old and used up. I feel so foreign in this sick body that I sometimes resent.

It takes a lot of energy to cry and release these emotions, so now I am getting too tired to continue this and I just want to close my eyes and be silent. Now it's time to listen to that encouraging piece of me that is left to get me through yet another day and recall all the many reasons I have to be grateful. Now, I will not ask to be forgiven, but I will ask for grace, peace and most of all, mercy.