Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Life ebbs and flows...

April is a month of birthdays in our family. My Grandmother on my father's side, my VaVa, turns 90. My daddy, a nephew, an uncle, a sister in law and also myself. It is Spring and I guess because it is my birthday month I become very reflective and restless. Part of me wants to slow way down and take stock of what being 46 meant to me. Another part wants to dig into new ground, plant flowers and organize away the old projects and think about fresh new ones. What will 47 bring?

But, there is a small cloud over my head. My husbands father B has dementia. He has had it for years and is now at that level where he is in need of constant medical assistance. For months the family has been discussing where dad will go, when is the right time, money issues and dealing with a lot of grief and guilt. We have shed many tears, had a few panic attacks and need regular reminders from one another that we knew this time would come.

I think about him all the time and I get that squeezing knot in my chest. The whole ordeal is effecting me much more than anyone knows. I feel the stress my husband carries because he ultimately is the one making all the decisions. His family is much better at being openly graceful, but I wear my feelings on the outside.

At first it was going to be March, then April and now May. People make these decisions all the time, it's just a part of life, right? But it feels like crap, like a part of you is abandoning someone you love and it hurts. It's going to hurt even more. We all want to live long prosperous lives, but some of us leave this earth while our bodies decide to stay a little too long.

B talks about his mom and dad...and his dire need to go see them. They have both been gone for years. He has forgotten our names and our roles in his life, but once in a while he remembers that we are important to him.

I have been dreaming about water again. Water symbolizes all that is feminine and emotional, it involves cleansing and inner urges for new life. Often there's flooding (feelings of being out of control over things in your life) and the need to make sense of the chaos.

I feel very heavy about all of this and need some spiritual relief.


Blogger Wanda said...

I'm on my knees for you today my dear Darlene....My emotions are at the hightest level too, but for such different reasons. I didn't realize until this week just how deep my roots have grown here...pulling them up is painful..the tears flow easy now and often.
Looking forward to our date next week!!
Love and Hugs forever
Wanda Mom

8:51 AM  
Blogger Yolanda said...

I will continue to hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I have been where he is with my grandma and my dad. I know the path is hard. Much love,

12:33 PM  
Blogger brittany said...

happy happy birthday, sweet darlene:) I think you could pass for 10 years younger easily.

blessings for you and your family.


1:37 PM  
Blogger nancygrayce said...

This is a hard time of life! I didn't expect to change roles with my mother or in laws! I'll pray for your peace and your husband's. Happy Birthday! And 47is just so young!

5:36 PM  
Blogger sweet expressions said...

my thoughts and prayers are with your family as well. I know that the good Lord will guide you all through this.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Cindie said...

Happy Birthday to you. My va Vo was such a psecial lady in my life. She always made me feel safe and secure... I want that for my own grandchildren.

We are unfortunately at that time in our lives when decisions will need to be made for elderly parents. My mom has severe back problems due to osteoposrosis and now as thyroid cancer... but praise God her mind is still pretty sharp.

Just pray and trust yourselves... it's difficult being the one who needs to make the decisions so I will say a prayer for your hubby.

Have a wonderful weekend!

7:06 AM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Yes, relief. I wish you tons of it. Be still. It will come.


4:14 PM  
Blogger Boho Girl said...

i'm so sorry this is happening. i wish there was something i could do. its such a natural part of life but it doesn't feel natural...

your family is here for you.
i am sending prayers and healing thoughts.

i often have dreams of floods, huge tidal waves and nearly drowning. wow...what does that say about me? overwhelmed much?

love you sis.

5:18 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

Oh that is hard. My Grammy has alzheimers (sp?). She's out in SanFran so I'm not seeing the day to day. I know I was one of the first to leave her memory - having just been part of her life since 1985. But I watch the pain my birth-mom and her siblings are going through. Each decision is so hard to solidify. So hard to actually draw the line and stand on it when it's you having to do it.

Your family will be in my prayers for this. I'm sending my love.

7:40 PM  

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