Thursday, January 25, 2007

When I had my first coherent thought this morning, it was, "Oi, I'm in so much pain!"
To be honest, the last thing I feel like doing is being a cheerleader for anyone. I wanted to pull the covers over my head, but wait, I have to throw up first. I ran the water really loud, so that Mark would not be able to hear. I look some pain medicine and sat for one minute on the end of my bed because I wanted to cry...I did a little. Then I sat up, took a deep breath or two, and smiled. Stood up on my wobbly legs and made it down stairs to greet my son and ask him what would you like for breakfast? :)

So I went into the kitchen and made him breakfast and could not stop the tears as I reached and winced through the pain....lupus sucks and right now, today, I hate it.
I wish I could make that shadow of me come alive and do one job or the other, because doing both hurts and I just don't want to give Mark any reason to feel bad for being I do. Forgive me


Blogger Samana said...

Hi Sweetie - being strong and brave when you are huring SUCKS! Sending you LOTS of sympathy and warm healing wishes...

10:36 AM  
Blogger bee said...

oh darlene...i wish there was something i could do to make it go away for you, or at least recede into the background. know that i'm thinking about you and sending you a big hug and lots and lots of love.

i'm glad mark is home safe with you.

i love you.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Regina Clare Jane said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain now, Darlene. I wish I could hold your hand and stroke your cheek for you. You have been through a tremendous ordeal and it is only natural to want to cry and retreat- sometimes you just have to do it. I remember feeling that way many times when my dad was so sick in the hospital. I would cry in the car on the way home from being with him and it would help- but then I had to do it all over again the next day. I know how you are feeling a tiny bit so I am praying for you. I will light a candle today for you... lots of love.

10:48 AM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

I´m so sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I wish I could do something to help you. I wish I could give you a hug in real life, but I can't so I'll be sending lots of love and healing thoughts your way instead.

Love, Sophie

10:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

((((Darlene)))) ...s/dd

11:17 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Gosh, Dralene. I don't know how you do it. My whole family has just had the flu this week, and it has been so crappy. Here I am feeling sorry for myself, and then I see how brave and strong you are with what you face every day right now. You remind me to be greatful...

You guys are on our minds. I will say extra prayers of healing for you, so you can feel more like the strong mommy you are!

oxox :)

11:22 AM  
Blogger s@bd said...

Lupus is a HORRIBLE disease. I know where Mark gets his courage.

11:56 AM  
Blogger bb said...

You're so right - lupus totally sucks. Good job that Darlene rocks :D love and hugs and health to you x x x x x

12:00 PM  
Blogger Jemima said...

Your picture made me laugh. I understand the sentiment it provokes. Fight on. What else can you do?

12:05 PM  
Blogger Star said...

You have a lot on your plate, that's for sure. But at least all of it is in the same house! No schlepping to the hospital, all of you under one roof.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain today and am sending special healing thoughts you way. Thanks for taking time to give a quick update.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

i'll be there soon...

i love you.


ps. thanks for that yummy embrace.

12:38 PM  
Blogger hepmomto3 said...

Your sister rocks. It's good to see she'll be coming out. I hope you are feeling much better soon Darlene. You are such an amazing woman and have handled so much with amazing strength. Please take care of yourself too. AHve you considered a home nurse to come in once in a while?? ((((D & M))))

12:45 PM  
Blogger luzie said...

Dar, I'm so sorry to hear you're not feeling well.. lots of hugs and healing thoughts coming your way. hugs and kisses xo

1:08 PM  
Blogger Gracey said...

Praying for you!!! There are so many virtual hugs going your way right now, just wish we could give them to you in person!!

1:29 PM  
Anonymous bronxbt said...

be good to yourself first or yer no good to anyone dearest...

mark knows this, and you two will work out all this madness in time.


1:50 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

My sister also suffers from Lupus - what a totally rotten thing it is.

Sounds as though there are 2 patients in your home playing the "don't worry about me, I'm okay". Wonder who they might be?

Lots of love, prayers and well-wishes coming your way as always.

1:59 PM  
Blogger Nic Bridges said...

So sorry to hear you are struggling - try to be kind to yourself & hopefully the lupus will get back in it's box & let you get on with things.

2:52 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

((((Darlene)))) Bless your heart.
I'll be praying.
Love from Indiana,

3:25 PM  
Anonymous amy said...

i'm sorry that you're feeling unwell. please be gentle with yourself. i have a feeling Mark not only inherited his parent's strength but their wisdom too.

take care,

3:48 PM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

D - so sorry. I wish we could do something practical like tell you to rest while we clean your house, cook your meals, keep Mark company, and take care of it all. Instead, feel our support and our prayers and be gentle with yourself when you can. {{{you}}}

4:03 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Those mornings,,,,
Mmmm when you know before you move that the pain is overwhelming, when every inch hurts in unison and your mind no matter how hard you try doesn't let you push it aside.
The only thing that makes you push through is your huge heart and abundance of love for the one you have to get up to.
Oh sweet girl I so know, but that doesn't help you and I so wish I could.
Tears of recognition roll down my face with every breath and every step I take.
I don't have to move today (i was supposed to) but I don't have too and I cant stand that you cant rest when you need to.
My darling friend.
I pray for a reprieve
I pray for your pain to diminish
I pray for your Heart to overcome your head and that bastard Louie.

I also Pray you feel my Love and feel me walk beside you, arms around your waist taking some weight of your fragile body.

Darby I love you xxxx

4:15 PM  
Blogger Cape Cod Kitty said...

Just so very sorry to hear how sick you are right now. Just hope the cyber-support will help you to do what you need to do to find relief.
Maybe sharing how you are really feeling with Mark would be good for both of you. Just a thought.
I am so happy that your sister is coming....she is great support and such a wise woman, as you are. Sisters are just the best!
Sending you energy, peace, love and ease.
CC Kitty

4:24 PM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Dear lady, I wish I could say or do something to ease your pain..
You are both so brave, both worrying about each other. Be strong, day by will make it...I have so much admiration and respect for your courage.

4:41 PM  
Blogger Jone said...

Hang in sucks to be in pain and I feel for you. Sending you warm, positive thoguhts and prayers. Love the photo.

5:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, hang in there, kiddo. I know its so hard, but you can do it. You're so strong!

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Loretta said...

Honey, you need some help. Any chance of family or friends organizing a rotation to come in and help out? You should be in bed, too, and while I know Mark needs you very much, you need to be able to care for yourself. Wish I could send you a nursing fairy who would coddle you both!

5:23 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

God bless you.


5:30 PM  
Blogger Pink Granite said...

Hi Darlene,
Ditto to what Kim G. and Loretta said. I hope you will be able to add a "local dimension" to this far flung virtual circle of support!
Still holding you, J., Mark and your whole family in our thoughts. Wishing you all increasing good health, peace and comfort.
- Lee

5:40 PM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

I hate lupus too :(( ...wish it hadn't invaded your body or life, babe.

Praying for better, pain-free, JP

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Teresa Sheeley said...

I wish I lived near you so I could help with things. Sorry you are not feeling well, I can't imagine the physical pain you must have.

I am sending you my warmest hugs.


6:33 PM  
Blogger Fern said...

Sending you warm thoughts and strength. Ya'll remain in my heart.

6:45 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I'm so sorry you feel crummy. You're in the middle of a huge crisis and are doing an amazing job of holding it together. Please be kind to yourself. xoxoxo

6:54 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

I love you!!

That is all.


7:08 PM  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

(((((((Darlene))))))) Can't wait to read Boho gal is there!!! xo, LOVE and many prayers, Cinda

7:23 PM  
Anonymous Annie said...

Dearest Darlene,

Reading your description of waking brings tears to my eyes. Oh how well I can relate to those days where even the air moving past your skin makes you want to scream.

Just take it easy. Sit when you can and move really, really slowly!!

It is OK to cry, it is equally permissable to feel extremely resentful of anyone who is not sick .
Sending up many, many prayers for you, beautiful girl. You are an inspiration, especially to a fellow 'Lupus Mum'. I pray for strength for you today.

Hoping your sister can make it to you soon.

Am loving the fact that despite all, you could post a picture that is a crack up! Thank you.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous jen said...

I don't have a comment really.... just wanted you know that I am sending as many warm, positve, comforting, deep breathing thoughts your way as I can.

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

Morning has broken over here, you´re probably off to bed soon, so I just stopped by to wish you a good night, sweet dreams and I hope you feel better tomorrow :)

xoxox Sophie

10:22 PM  
Blogger Laini Taylor said...

Darlene, I am so wonderfully glad to hear that Mark is home! Not so glad to hear how poorly you're feeling -- I hope that passes quickly and that you can just enjoy having Mark home! And that his recovery may go as swiftly as humanly possible!

10:57 PM  
Blogger Julie H said...

Darlene there is nothing to forgive, you are sick - and my heart breaks for you.

I am too far away for physical help, but I am praying for you.

Big hugs.

1:38 AM  
Anonymous suzie q said...

Sweetheart, I am holding you close and wishing you well. No forgiveness needed, you are such a strong & brave woman and an inspiration to us all.
Bless you, and all the family x

Much Love & Healing Hugs coming your way... (((((xXx)))))

2:35 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

You are forgiven. However, you are the only one who needs to forgive you. And what would that be for? You are human. You are under a great deal of stress. I would be dumbfounded if you weren't going through the lupus crap right now.

So rest up. Do the best you can. I've got a sneaky hunch Mark will understand. As a matter of fact he would probably be mad as hell for you abusing yourself this way.

We do love you all and send you all energy.

Give Mark our best, and the best to you too.

5:19 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Now for a friendlier more parental response. (I have great grandchildren so I can take this approach.)(I hope.)

Get as much rest you can as you can.

Get others more involved as much as they can.

Get whatever hugs you can from those around you, particularly Jay and Mark.

I was curious about the symptoms of lupus so I finally checked with WebMD to learn more.

A combination of factors work together to trigger flares, including a person's genetic makeup, excessive exposure to sunlight, stress, pregnancy, infection with certain viruses, or certain medicines (such as penicillin and sulfa drugs).

It doesn't sound like it is easy to live with. Given the effects of sunlight, you might want to curtail taking shadow photos for a while.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...


Do not fear to show your pain. There is no need for forgiveness. You are doing all that you can.

6:01 AM  
Blogger windyangel said...

Hi Beautiful. Hey, doesn't Mark already know about your lupus. I just wonder if your trying to hide the discomfort hurts him even more? Maybe you are a fabulous actress? Have you talked with him about this?
Back to you about the patience piece in next day or 2. Prayer is my quick response.
Loving you. angels be with you.

7:03 AM  
Blogger Candy said...

I pray for you to have joy in the journey and strength to overcome, and for a divine healing to overtake your body, soul and spirit along with Mark's. You really are not alone.

7:04 AM  
Blogger AnnieElf said...

I wish I was your neighbor. I would so be there for you. If my spirit can give you strength, it is all yours. Annie

2:36 PM  
Blogger Trish Ryan said...

It sounds like it's time to devote some of our prayers for healing, restoration and strength to YOU - so know that we'll be praying for you here on the East Coast!!!

much love,

6:42 PM  
Blogger LisaOceandreamer said...

darling Darlene, how I long to be able to hug both you and Mark - and to be there to help in some way. This is a tough time I know and it's important you pay close attention to your own body as well. You are my hero - your courage and determination is quite amazing. Love lifts us up!
Sending you lots of it!
Love you,

7:25 PM  
Blogger ~Bek~ said...

Babes... you are such a strong person, I admire you so much.

Hugs and love to you and yours.
I hope you are feeling better as you read all your love notes.

8:15 PM  
Blogger Chulita said...

Oh Darlene, you are such a good human being and a great mother, but you do have to take care of yourself too--as much as you can. Sending you lots of love and prayers for your well-being.


10:30 PM  
Anonymous Paris Parfait said...

Hope you're feeling better soon! It must be so difficult for you always having to remain strong for Mark's sake. You're a strong and inspiring woman.

5:48 AM  
Blogger gerry rosser said...

It took me a while to notice the little face on the wall, right where it should be, tres cute!
I'm running out of clever, encouraging words, but, then, it ain't the words, is it?
I'd share my fortunate health if I could.

6:22 AM  
Blogger Romina Bacci said...

awww you sweety... hope you're feeling better today, I'm so sorry for you... my angels are flying your way: some of them to kiss you, some of them to hug you and some of them to make you laugh :)

love you Darlene!

8:31 AM  
Anonymous AscenderRisesAbove said...

i just heard the wonderful news that mark is safely at home. he is a living miracle. and so are you.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Sending you much love and many, MANY good thoughts and hopes that your pain eases soon. {{{{Darlene}}}}

9:57 AM  
Blogger turquoise cro said...

How are YOU Darlene! I'm sending some angels too and more prayers!!Is Boho gal there yet??? Hope so! (((((((Darlene, Mark, Jay, Angela))))))) xoxoxooxo

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Robyn said...

Love, hugs and positive thoughts.

10:33 AM  
Blogger Angela said...

Sending you loving thoughts and prayers for healing, not only for Mark but for yourself, and for continued strength for you all. Take care of yourself......

6:29 PM  

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