Saturday, January 06, 2007

To Trust or Not To Trust

This accident hit home...literally... and you find yourself questioning all that you believe in. I landed on my knees because I fell there. It was not my first reaction, as I thought it would be. I've believed in God my entire life. I've heard messages and sermons that stirred my faith. I've had spiritual experiences that made me feel like I was one more level away from receiving God's home phone number. You and I?...we could talk for hours about His character, mercy and grace.

But when your child is lying seriously wounded on the side of the road, when your eyes witness their injuries and pain, when your ears can hear their screams and moans, when every fiber in your being wants to do something and the emergency medical team tells you to 'move away' along with all the other on lookers, you want to scream, "He's My Son!"

I buried my face into a stranger, I turned around and whomever was there got my fists clutching the front of their shirt and my hot sobbing breath into their chest.

In that moment Mother's...that child is NO LONGER yours, you feel it, you know it, it is real and you are not important. In that are insignificant, no more special than anyone else standing around. You can't touch your child, you can't bring them comfort, all you are giving them, in that the sound of their Mother's voice, the voice that they know so well, is loudly sobbing their name. And somewhere in between my sobs I said another name too, "God, oh my God!" and I hope with all my being, that Mark heard me say the name of God along with his.

Sitting in a lowly lit surgery waiting room is hell. It is hell because here, in the uncomfortable silence, your mind begins to try to understand and make some kind of sense to all of this and there is no sense to be found. Your physical body starts to show signs of shock. You begin to shiver from deep within, the air feels cold and thick. Breathing becomes difficult and all activity seems to be in slow motion. People around you say things to you and you shake your head yes, like you understand them, but you don't. You run scenarios in your head...(if I had only invited him for dinner, if he had drove home with someone else, if I could just talk to him now.....)

Eventually, between the shock and the have 'the conversation' with God. "Why? Why him? What did he do? What am I supposed to do? Where were You God! Why didn't You protect him? Where are YOU in all of this NOW?" and you fight with Him. You feel yourself blame Him and at the same second that you are placing blame on God, He is asking you to trust trust Him? trust Him...and He requires no answer.

Why doesn't He require an answer? Because He knows you, that right at that moment you are scared and angry, feeling helpless and lost. How can you blame Him and also ask for His help at the same time? I couldn't have any conversations with Him, at that moment.

I felt very human, right then, I was all mother. I wasn't a wife or a daughter, I wasn't a sister or a friend...I was all mother, every part of me. I closed my eyes and Marks life flashed itself through my mind. I saw the newborn, the 2 year old with cake all over his face and hands, I saw him riding his bike, playing basket ball and opening presents. I saw him driving his first car, graduate from high school and the look on his face just 6 hours ago when he said good bye to me and told me that he loved me. I said it too. In that moment, I thought that those could have been our last words to each other.

No, God did not require an answer from me then, He is a gentlemen and He let me be a mother. He let me see and feel my son's life flowing through me and He told me then, when I was ready to hear it, He told me to trust...

and I did.


Blogger +*-s-t-e-f-f-*+ said...

Thank God for the recovery that Mark is slowly gaining.

1:05 AM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

Thank you for update #22, Darlene. It is wonderful to hear that the surgery went well and progress is gradually being made again.
This is a beautiful photo of you and Mark... you both really glow, you know.
Although I don't have a defined relationship with god the way you do, I know that if I were in your shoes, this issue would surely rear its head (as it always has in my times of loss and suffering). It pleases me to know that your faith brings you peace in so many ways and that you don't feel it demands too much of you when you just can't give any more.
I'm sending you and tender love and pure strength.

1:19 AM  
Anonymous suzie q said...

Dear Darlene, this is such a beautiful post, thank you. I was right there with you then, reading your description of those first shocking moments. I was hurled back in time, trying to stay standing whilst watching my nearly 10 year-old boy strapped up to a back board with his head wedged into place, the sound of the helicopter coming to his rescue deafening me as I struggled to make sense of the situation...
Our misery was shortlived, however, and I hardly had time to take it all in. You, sweetheart, are being severely tested and I am so filled with admiration for you.
Trust is such a small word for such a huge concept, and not an easy thing to do, sometimes.
Here's a verse that I found some years ago that may help you...

Not for one single day
can I discern my way,
but this I surely know..
Who gives the day
will show the way,
So I securely go...

I don't know the author's name, but it often pops up in my mind when I need it most. I hope it brings you some comfort.

Hang on in there, sweetheart. Rest as much as you can.

Love you xXx

1:59 AM  
Blogger Trish Ryan said...

What a wonderful post - how amazing to see your writing and ministry gifts emerging at a time when it would seem like everything would shut down. What a gift for those of us who are praying and believing - and trusting - with you. Thank you! And thank you for your honesty about how God doesn't need us to be perfect, cookie-cutter faith machines. He knows your Mother's heart - he put it in you :) And you're the end it comes down to trust.

Bless, bless, bless you today, and Mark too. May you both be filled with that peace that surpasses understanding. God will restore everything the enemy has taken...and I think there's even a promise in there somewhere about him doubling the good things - the love, the connection, the LIFE - you had before.
Much love,

2:11 AM  
Blogger Julie H said...

Oh Darlene I am sobbing with you again ... my heart goes out to yours. And yet, at the same time I am encouraged and uplifted by your words.

I am so, so thankful to hear that Mark has stood, and that the doctors are talking recovery.

Please look after yourself too.

2:12 AM  
Blogger Sheila said...

God moves in mysterious ways.
The photograph of you with Mark says volumes about your love for each other.
You have been through a life altering experince on so many levels, both of you.
You sound more at peace, and knowing Mark is making small steps toward recovery each day must help.
I was cheering for you both when I read that he was standing. Well done ...both of you ! xxx

3:02 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...

Thank you Darlene for the trust given. A blog that was just like any other, suddenly thrust into the harsh glare of reality. You have stopped writing; you could have gone private. Instead, you trusted and opened your broken heart to the world.

You trusted that there was something there for you. You trusted that somewhere, somehow, people would understand and care. Slowly, as Mark has journeyed, so we too have journeyed.

Faith and trust go hand in hand, without them, we would never have met.

3:58 AM  
Anonymous Annie Morris said...

Dearest Darlene

As it's 11.00pm here as I write this, and the family is asleep, I am doing THE loudest fully internal HAPPY DANCE. Not a peep, but if you look closely, it looks like I have ants in my pants tho... 8-)

He stood!!!!! He stood!!!! Oh, praise the LORD, for He is good. I will still (of course), keep praying for you all, but, he stood!!!!

Thank you so, so much for sharing that magnificent post. We are blessed and honoured, to be able to read something like that. Thank you so much and blessings to you. Sending you the hugest virtual hug I can from Australia...

4:08 AM  
Anonymous Loretta said...

Darlene, you are struggling with the ultimate question, one that we all face to some degree at some point in out lives if we believe in a Creator.

Someone close to me is facing this right now and it is so difficult to watch them go through this agony - and yes, over their son also.

I still believe that God is saving Mark for something very special. God is keeping him alive when all the odds and all the doctors say otherwise. Continue to trust and live in the moment. He stood up today, an event none of you could have anticipated in these first few dark weeks.

The light is returning to the sky with our lengthening the days. May it infuse your soul with hope and prayer.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

O Darlene! Those pictures are beauty full! but your words are just as beauty full! I could feel all you went through that night of the accident but my eyes have never seen what you have seen and I, as a mother HOPE and Pray never see. I think I would have the emotion of madness toward God too strongly at this time but HOPE and Pray I would have your trust, God is so proud of you, you are a shining light in the dark, now, that verse, don't hide your light under a bushel makes more and more since to me as I come here daily more than once to see and read your words and of Mark's condition, and the sweet words from your commenters. Thank GOD there are people out there like YOU! God Bless You and your family, God Bless us all! (((((Mark & his family & friends)))))many Healing prayers, Cinda xoxooxoxo

4:44 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

Another powerful espousal of faith. As I read the intial paragraphs I was tempted to respond that He was with you both all of that time. And then I got to the end and there it was. He was with you all of the time.

Like any good parent, He let you make your choices. And it wasn't a test so much as a reaffirmation of your faith. A faith that believes He is here through good and bad.

So keep up the good fight. Continue to love Mark with all your being. Your writings give us all reassurance that we are all connected by the everpresent energy of pure love. You help to clear the clouds of mundane living away and let us see it clearly.

Thank you.

And, Mark, you go man, you go. Get healthier at whatever pace you need to. We love you man, and we don't want your Bud Lite. tee hee.

4:49 AM  
Anonymous mindy said...

your sentiments are so beautifully and truthfully put. i can't think of anything else that would challenge your faith so deeply. your strength and trust will carry you both a long way. well wishes and teary embraces from the east...

5:24 AM  
Blogger angela said...

Such good news. I'm smiling too as I write.

5:29 AM  
Blogger Constance said...

I've been following your updates and keeping you and your family in my prayers. In my own situation I have found that God has stretched me beyond my wildest imaginations. It wasn't without a lot of questions and fist-shaking anger. I was at a pont where I would still go to church but I would sit there and say, "I'm angry at You and I am not going to sing".

I have been in treatment at the Texas Cancer Center for close to 3 years for what turned out to be an Auto-immune disorder called ITP. I went through a Bone Marrow Biopsy, MRI's Cat Scans, Transfusions, Chemo Drgs, Steroids and finally a Spleenectomy all in effort to try to stop my immune system from destroying my blood platelets (they clot your blood).

The surgery nearly 2 years ago was the last resort. It hasn't fixed my problem. I went into depression and anger a few months later when the cold, harsh reality sank in. I was "off" on God and couldn't even pray to Him. I would tell people that God could handle my anger and questions, if He couldn't, then He wasn't who He says He is!

I say that to remind myself that God knows we are human and we are going to react and respond in human ways. We can have the Spirit of the Living God, the Risen King Jesus, living within us because we have accepted His death to reddem us from our sins, but we are still going to struggle with our flesh!

In the end, I have learned a valuable lesson in trust. The question all along was, "Did I trust God, really down deep when the nitty got gritty?" Was I still going to trust Him to do what's best for me even as I manage a chronic illness?

I still believe that God filters everything that He allows to come into our lives. We'll either become stronger and yet more dependent on Him at the same time. We can allow old chaff to be burned off as we are made more in the likeness of His precious Son, Jesus. We can also remain angry and bitter. God allows us to make those choices. We don't get to see the big picture here on this earth. Some of our questions may never be answered in our lifetime. I still believe though that God is in control and if I am going through a trial, I can withstand it because He says He will never give us more than we can bear.

I've also found that when we are tempted to give up or give in to the circumstances, we need to stay the course. It is then, when satan is opposing us the strongest, that our God is about to do something awesome! I continue to praise our God for the work He is doing in your family!

5:31 AM  
Blogger Becca said...

You are giving all of us a real gift, by sharing this horrifying journey, helping us put our own lives in perspective and realize what's truly important.

Keep the faith, keep trusting, and we'll keep praying...

5:44 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Thank you for the update, Darlene. With so much going on in your world, you remain kind of thoughtful to us, those who know you only through your articulate posts and lovely photos.

Yesterday I posted about my doubt, too. I never, ever doubt God's power and grace, but I can't help wondering how true faith works.

I don't know. Never will, I imagine. And yet, I do know that the collective power of the souls gathered here, the energy of this faith and love and sheer intention, it all means something. It has a purpose. Maybe faith is nothing more than continuing to act and pray when you don't understand God's purpose.

I read your description of the accident scene with tears in my eyes and white hot pain in my heart. Dear, dear, Darlene. While I know it felt as if you were just another bystander (and I do know-my then-husband and both my children were in a horrendous accident some years ago and I arrived before the ambulances and paramedics), you were and always are totally connected to Mark.

Where else could he have gotten the backbone that miraculously held him together? "...his spine was so strong...." You, his father, your extended family--passed on that spine and then taught him to use it, to make it strong enough to withstand terrible punishment.

Mark stood by his bed. He stood. He used that magnificent backbone to stand despite everything.

Blessings to you. Oh, so many blessings. And thank you for showing us how to live our faith despite our questions.

6:16 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Darn typos!!

The first graph of my comment is supposed to say kind AND thoughtful.

6:18 AM  
Anonymous Kim in IN said...

sending you peace and health across the waves Darlene.....I just cry so much now when I read your posts........connecting to you.....imagining my 26 yr. old daughter lying on the ground near seeing it and not believing takes my breath away...
love in big doses,

6:26 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Thank you for the latest update, Darlene. Sending much love your way~~~~~

6:31 AM  
Blogger mama al said...

keeping our minds on you all out here on the east coast.....

6:58 AM  
Anonymous Teresa Sheeley said...

Your testimony has just increased my faith. God still has a great purpose for Mark and though it may not be seen now, with your faith you know it will.

You leave me speechless most of the time and I just sit and read in awe of your strength. I can feel your emotions through your words and just sit in quiet prayer after reading them.

May great blessings come your way today and the power of our Almighty show His healing power in Mark today.

xoxoxo~ Teresa

7:15 AM  
Anonymous Paris Parfait said...

Thank you for the updates. As a mother, your story has touched me deeply. I'm so glad Mark is getting the care and attention he needs and is continuing to make progress.

7:24 AM  
Anonymous Casey said...

I don't know you or Mark, but what I can tell from reading each entry each morning is that Mark is a blessed man! He is blessed to have a mother who seeks the Lord, who is honest in her pain, who loves her son with unwavering passion, and who is learning to trust God in a brand new way. I continue to pray for miracles--from the God who loves you, cares for you, and holds you in the palm of His hand!

7:51 AM  
Blogger deirdre said...

I don't have any words to add this morning. Just want you to know that I'm here and you are in my heart today.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Shaz said...

I too am with you always and daily, I cant possibly say any more than what has been said amazing post amazing comments.
Praise the Lord and God Bless You Sweet Friend.

8:18 AM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

What an amazing post. I have to tell you that God is speaking through you. In your pain, you are ministering to some of us out here. I know some of your words hit home with me and I'm not even in your situation. Your faith bolsters me. I thank God for you and for keeping your faith in tact.

8:20 AM  
Blogger Amber said...

Darlene, this is amazing writing! And deep. And true. I feel your words in my guts!
And again, I cry with you.
I love that picture of you, with nothing protecting you. You look beautiful...
What Connie said was brilliant. I am a believer, who knows that He loves you RIGHT where you ARE. Pissed, happy, hurt, and Human-- You are safe to feel your feelings. Because He already knows, anyway. And He knows sometimes it is all we can do to even try to meet him in the eye.

I think you are amazing.


9:18 AM  
Blogger StephieAnne said...

Your words read like a modern day Psalm. Thank you for sharing your emotions with us, particularly for us moms, to treasure our children every moment we are with them.

9:18 AM  
Blogger Laini said...

Hi Darlene! If I understood right from that last post that Mark stood up next to his bed, that sounds like amazing news! The picture of you two is beautiful, and your writing here is so beautiful too. It makes me both long for and fear motherhood, that depth of feeling that can both uplift and annihilate you. You've been so strong through all this. You're amazing!

9:22 AM  
Blogger Regina Clare Jane said...

I truly understand where you are coming from, Darlene. When my dad was so sick in the hospital, all I could think about was how and why God was allowing this to happen to MY dad- my dad who never did a wrong thing in his life.
I am still trying to come to terms with God and my dad's death... doesn't he understand how hard this is for me?
I can only offer you all my heart felt love and understanding and hopes that with each passing day, Mark will get better and better- and that your trust in God wll be rewarded.

9:34 AM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

thank you for the update. faith is a profound thing, one that i'm only beginning to uncover for myself.

9:41 AM  
Blogger Libbys Blog said...

I see now where your son gets his strength from.... you!! Darlene you and your family are amazing.
Still thinking of you!

10:10 AM  
Blogger Jenny Rough said...

Beautiful writing, so honest and true. Thanks for keeping us posted.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Deborah said...

Dear Dar ... what an intimate account of your process with faith and trust in a moment of crisis.
I am encouraged by the accounts of Mark's latest surgery and the infection specialist being brought in ... Many prayers & much love, d

10:33 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

Hi Darlene, I take a look at your blog every day to see how Mark and you and your family are doing. But apart from that I wanted to say how wonderful your writing is. Your post today really touched me, I have two sons and I could really identify with what you wrote. Thanks for your gifted writing, even in the midst of your trials you are an inspiration.

10:35 AM  
Blogger brittany said...

How profound. I can see that this would be true. thank you for sharing, and I'm hoping that this means that the surgery went well...

love to you and your family


11:09 AM  
Blogger Chulita said...

I am so happy to hear the surgery went well. I just know he will be OK even though it will take a long while and he is, and will be, suffering more pain, but he is here...he is alive....and he is fighting as hard as he can. His journey here is not over. He will survive and be an even stronger and more lovingly human being than he was to begin with. Thank you for your beautiful post about faith. Sometimes it feels like there is no one there, but He is there all along. Take care of yourself as much as you can so you can be strong for him when he is ready to go home. Sending you love and peace,

11:17 AM  
Blogger Shona Cole said...

Such amazing words. brought tears to my eyes.

8:10 PM  
Blogger gerry rosser said...

Whatever my condition of belief or disbelief, I believe we are all connected.
I'm still with you.

2:40 AM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home