Saturday, January 06, 2007

Each tear is an unspoken word ::Update#22::

I have no picture right now. I am in a hurry to get to the hospital. I have a choice to not post this, but to be frank, I am too afraid not to. I understand that there is something going on in this blog realm that I don't quite understand or deserve. I am somebody and nobody at the same time.

Mark has not looked good to us for a couple of days, pale and weak, but no nurse or doctor has said anything and even we whisper our feelings, afraid that saying anything too loud would not be a good thing, negative vibes...oh, I don't know.

This morning Marks blood came back with bad numbers. As I am writing this, he is receiving 2 pints of blood. He has some kind of internal bleeding again. He will have a CT scan today, but the doctors are hoping themselves that it will show an unnecessary need for a 4th surgery. Setting him back to square one.

I feel like apologizing for any bad news. I feel like this burden that you all have been so graciously carrying is heavy and that praying the same thing over and over may feel redundant, but I also feel an obligation to be truthful and raw.

In the beginning, I made a promise to you that I would be raw, honest and tell you as much as I can. And you have read me and heard my mothers heart in pain and agony. So in truth, today I am scared. I am disappointed and scared for Mark, for myself, because I feel weak and tired. I am not physically strong and I know this is going to be a long haul. I want him home, I want to just touch him and hold him and sing to him. I want to soothe the fear that I know he is feeling.

So, I cannot tell you how your prayers, meditations and hope has meant all the difference to my sanity, and something else I want to say that hasn't yet been said by me in this blog....

I don't care what your religion is...I don't care how you talk to your Maker, I don't even care if you believe in God or not....none of that matters to me. i just need YOU. I need you doing whatever it is that you do when a crisis befalls your life. I just need YOU, you don't have to tell me what your spiritual beliefs are...none of that matters to me. I feel love for you as you are, as you have felt love for my family as we are. I have a phrase for that.........

deep unconditional love

I am leaving now to stand (in faith...and faith is blind) by my son. I will smile into his thin face and look into his glazed eyes and smile. I will say that I love him and that everything is going to be okay....and the only reason that I can say those words that I'm not sure are true, is because when I get home, I can spend the hours that I have away from him reading your hope and strength that you believe because you are there and I am here....and for some reason, that is how it is supposed to be........you are loved by me.

Update #22 ~ I walked into his room and he is sleeping. It is not a restful sleep, it is filled with twitching, mumbling and jolts that cause him to open his eyes in pain from the sudden muscle spasm. He presses the button that controls his morphine and I smile at him as I wash my hands saying, "Hello, my love." That is my signature greeting that I give to the people of my heart, my children being the ones who have probably heard it the most. From the time they opened their sleepy eyes, coming home from school and later evening events. Now I have said it again, looking at this child of mine who's voice is weak and coarse from the tube that has been down his throat for weeks. I push the chair as close to him as possible, put a clean towel over the side bed rail and lean over it to stare at him in the eyes. I am smiling, but he sees the red rings around my eyes from all the crying I have done this morning. He says nothing, he just frowns and turns his head. I reach out and make him face me saying, "Mothers cry sometimes, but it is nothing to worry about, besides, I cried when you lost your first tooth, remember?" He closed his eyes again and squeezed my hand. No more talking...I wanted to touch him. Screw the gloves this time, I needed to feel his skin and he needed to feel mine. Immediately, I ran cold cloths over his fevered brow. I wiped the sweat from his upper lip, I gently ran the cloth over his eyes and hummed. I rubbed his arms, hands and scratched his head, all the things little Marky remembers moma would do when he was sick. Chap stick, ice chips and stories of his sisters new job, her messages of love to him and he said...good.

"The Game" they call it. The flow meter that is given to all patients to prevent pneumonia. The nurse interrupted our quiet atmosphere asking for another round of blowing and holding. His weak, shaky hand reached out and he trembled his way through it. I felt the heat behind my eyes and I blinked them away and said, "Good job honey!" he looked at me like, "Give me a break mom, this isn't a contest." I shrugged and winked. Again the eyes would close and in seconds the twitching would start all over.

A nurse from the ICCU quietly walked in and I recognized her. She was there to check on him. I was so touched that this time I could not stop the tears. She reached out to hug me and I gulped a sob. With a shaky voice she said, "He's a fighter, we are still talking about him in ccu. You need to remember that he crawled all that way for help, despite all of his injuries, this is a piece of cake." I shook my head yes and grabbed a Kleenex. She took a quick peek at the beeps and blips, nodded an okay and said, "Gotta run."

Fear is an interesting thing. One small person exhibiting one kind action makes all the difference in the world. Peace, she left me with peace and the knowledge that the ccu is still talking about Mark, that they are randomly checking on him in their spare moments. They all got to be his nurse for at least one shift while he was there, they all knew his "story" he can be charming, but not in here with morphine running through him, so he made an impression on them...or did he? Is yet another realm of persons being drawn to him?

When Mark cries out in delirium, there is a definite repeating subject matter. He keeps speaking of 'the children' One time the babies were crying and he made me go look to make sure they were okay. There are no babies anywhere near him, or children...it is not allowed. Another time they were singing to him and they left and he wanted them to come back. He asked his dad to turn on the lights, it was too dark for them and they needed to see. They have come and had 'show and tell' he has seen them with balloons, this intrigues me.

His blood pressure is low, this is expected with the blood loss, and there is no decision on another surgery yet. Another wait and see answer from the doctor. When it was time for me to go, I asked for a moment alone with him. I leaned in real close, kissed his forehead and said, "I'm so sorry honey" that broke the damn and he began to cry. "I am so miserable mom, I hate it here, I'm in so much pain and my body isn't healing" I put my hands on both sides of his face and said, "Look at me...YOU are doing great! We are here, we are a team, and together we will get through this." I wiped his tears and my own and I made him see the determination in my eyes. I wouldn't let go until his eyes told mine that he understood. I stood tall and said, "I'll see you tomorrow, maybe I can wash your hair (that was for you Denise ;)"

As soon as I leave his room, I never feel like talking...I let the serenity linger as long as it can. But as soon as I reach the car, that fake sense of privacy that your car gives you...I cry...I cry...I cry. I am not crying because I am loosing hope, I cry because I am his mother, and his pains are mine, his weakness is mine, his tears are mine, but his anger is not...that will be a road traveled later on, with a bible in my hand and my own words of experience as my guide.

A beautiful tribute was posted here ~ Thank you all ~thank you all

137 Comments:

Anonymous Lady Painter said...

Yes, here we are, and we are really praying for you and Mark. Please, don't let the fear be stronger than your hope.
We are here with you.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Abby said...

Sending deep love and prayers in your direction, as I know they are needed. You are an amazing mother.

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Kathy said...

Just a stranger in Michigan sending your family prayers and healing thoughts.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I,too, have sons but can't begin to imagine what you are going through. I have asked for healing energy to be given to Mark and for strength and calmness of mind for you to help you through this dreadful time. Rowan

1:06 PM  
Blogger zorana said...

There as many of us not commenting every day, but thinking about you and sending good energy all the time... Many times I cannot think of right words, all that I feel others seem to write better... but I am here, sending love and good vibes.

1:10 PM  
Blogger BJ said...

Please know that you, Mark and your entire family are thought of with love and I will continue to ask for healing powers for the two of you. What you all are going through is a horrible ordeal. I ask that our Lord put his healing hands on all of you and give you great strength to take you through these most difficult days. God bless.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Becca said...

If you can, envision all of us all over the world putting our arms around you and Mark and your entire family and holding you up.
Holding you up for strength, holding you up to the light of healing, holding you up in love.

With continued prayers...

1:22 PM  
Blogger Audrey D. said...

I came upon your blog the other day and was immediately caught up in your story. I hurt so deeply for you. I too, am a mother and I am so sad that another mother is going through what you are. I left a comment on the first day I found you but I haven't since then. But still, I think about you every single day, many times a day, and I always ask the Lord to be with you and to carry you all through this. I check your blog several times a day, wondering how things are going. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, please stay strong and pray. I am praying, too.

1:30 PM  
Blogger EllyJane said...

we are all with you.
we are all with you.
we are all with you.
peace. strength. love. energy. positive thoughts. prayers. calm.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Sheila said...

I have no words..just want you to know I'm so upset by this set back. Sending you love, and light..

1:44 PM  
Blogger mama al said...

sending you huge hugs right now...will keep hoping and sending well wishes and get better vibes your way....

we will be here as long as you need us.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Rita said...

Your family is in my prayers and my thoughts are with you so much of the time. I'm glad you draw strenth from all of the strangers around the world praying for you.

1:47 PM  
Blogger paris parfait said...

We are mothers and feel your pain. Am hoping it's some small measure of comfort to know that so many people are rooting for you and Mark in spirit and hoping and praying for better news; better days! xo

1:47 PM  
Blogger Star said...

Lighting a candle to carry the prayers heavenward. Loving you and wishing you strength to bear up under the stress. Sending healing thoughts to knit the muscles back to together, to stop the bleeding, to mend the internal organs, to restore hope and faith for Mark. Holding all of you close to my heart.

1:47 PM  
Blogger Lana said...

i am praying and visualizing and sending healing energy for mark, and you, and your family. thought we are strangers, our souls know we are all one, and will deepen the conection to you and the universe. you are brave and strong, i can see where your sons gets it from! blessing from lana, a stranger form canada

1:54 PM  
Blogger Marsha said...

Just to let you know that yes, many of us are here daily sending powerful & positive prayers your way even though we don't always post comments.

You are an amazing mother!

1:55 PM  
Blogger nancy said...

Please know that many people are praying for you and your son Mark. I feel a special bond to you even thought I have never met you. You are touching many people's hearts by sharing with us this hard time you are going through and what a Mother's love means.

2:10 PM  
Blogger Vanessa said...

I always knew that the nature of my beliefs would never matter to you. Your openness is so tangible and your loving heart so incapable of discrimination.
I am concentrating harder than ever on helping Mark regain his strength, restore his blood count and heal.
And sending you more energy, love and comfort than I ever imagined I could have for someone I have never physically touched.
Thank you for posting this.
We are with you and YOU are with us.
Vanessa

2:15 PM  
Blogger Kim G. said...

I have so appreciated the honesty in your last couple of posts. That transparancy and honesty is such a gift to us all. We continue to hold you and Mark and the rest of the family close to our hearts and daily in our prayers. I'm praying especially that your strength will be multiplied like a little boy's lunch that fed 5,000. If God can work miracles in the ordinary places of everyday life, he can work miracles in the devoted life and heart of a mother. Blessings to you.

2:24 PM  
Blogger StephieAnne said...

Just as there has been attention to the heroes in New York - the man who saved the teen in the subway incident and the two man who caught the 3 year old as he fell 4 stories from a fire escape.....I feel like heroes abound here on this blog. There are so many good loving people in this world and as I read your struggle and see this onslaught of love, I feel like my belief in humanity has soared. Continuing to pray for you......

2:26 PM  
Anonymous amy said...

sending love and good energy.

your openness continues to amaze me. i hope the day brings positive news.

best wishes,
amy

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Joy said...

We are standing beside you, sending you and Mark, love and strength and prayers.

2:44 PM  
Blogger bee said...

darlene...

i love you. i think of you often and every time i do i send a cone of light towards you and your family - and i pray for you. i'm not "christian" but i pray. i know it doesn't matter, but...i wanted you to know.

my support from afar won't waver. and if you need me to come on a plane i will.

2:52 PM  
Blogger chel said...

I check in each day. I carry you and Mark in my heart. There are no words but much healing energy, light and love being sent your way

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

No prayer is redundant. We are all here.

Sending much love and healing thoughts, Sophie.

3:14 PM  
Blogger amy said...

I'm not sure what to say right now. I'm troubled by the tone of your writing, yet know that you are just being completely open. However, I did want to leave some kind of note for you to add that we too are praying for you, Mark, and for the rest of your family. I'm afraid of sounding trite or insensitive by giving glib cliché answers. I hurt for you and for your situation. Thank you for allowing us to hold your arms up like Aaron and Ben Herr did for Moses in the Old Testament.

3:19 PM  
Blogger Pink Granite said...

Still here. Holding you, Mark and your whole family in our thoughts. Counting on all that is good to work through the doctors, to find all the right answers. - Lee

3:20 PM  
Blogger luzie said...

i don't have any other source than your blog to know you or Mark or your family.. but i can tell that you are amazing, darlene. and as i'm about to log off and go to sleep right now i'm sending another huge load of love, hugs and healing vibes all the way from germany.

3:23 PM  
Anonymous Annie Morris said...

Dearest Darlene,

It must be so, so hard for you to have this never ending rollercoaster ride.

Be honest. It won't scare us.

No sugar coating should happen, as that's what we are here for.

We are here for you, dear one, you, Mark and your family.

I don't know about others, but speaking personally, it helps in prayer if I can be specific.

Ah, praying for strength for you, healing of Mark's blood, guidance for those who tend to him and courage to face what the day brings.

Pax

3:33 PM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

sending healing thoughts to mark from out here in the east. please always be raw and honest, i think it's soothing for your soul and we're here.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous erin in nc said...

Sending you love, hope and peace. Know that we, the hidden many of your bloggie universe, are holding you and Mark up in our thoughts and prayers.

I have never met you, but I find myself stopping during the day to think about you and your family. My wish is that you will take comfort in knowing that right now, somewhere in the world, a stranger is praying for you and your beloved son.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Juli said...

Continued thoughts of concern and hope are sent from here.

In some way, I am glad that there is some news, that beats all the I DON'T KNOWs, in some way. It is with a full heart that I hope the answers the medical staff has will be in Mark's best interest for treatment direction.

3:37 PM  
Anonymous Dale Smith said...

What Becca says is exactly what I would like to say. All of us support your family and surround you with love and hope.

3:38 PM  
Blogger hepmomto3 said...

Many prayers being said today Darlene. I'm sending all my strength as a Mom. May God soon answer your prayers. We are all here for you each and every hour of everyday sending you our love.

3:39 PM  
Blogger Linda said...

"There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it" George Bernard Shaw.

..and we are witnessing them all here as we all send our prayers, love and support to you, your darling Mark and your family.

3:42 PM  
Anonymous sissy said...

The joy of the Lord is your strength. May you and your family be blessed with this strength.
Prayers to you and your beloved son.

3:45 PM  
Blogger Gemma said...

I don't think God has a religion...but I know prayers are answered...hope you get the right answer. Sending love
xo

3:45 PM  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

Praying with you every day, Darlene. Every single day.

3:47 PM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Nothing you could say will turn us away...Let your fear, and anger out.
I am going to say something you might not think is true, but when I was very ill, and someone told me "how ill I was," it did scare me, I was angry, and had thoughts that could have made darkness a bright place...but the fact is that because someone did tell me, was honest with me, and made me face that terrifiying place...I could fight harder, and climb the mountain that was ahead of me.
facing this fear, as awful as it is, will help.
We are here because we know that you need (and we would need the same,) support... love, prayers, and light!! You are facing yor worse nightmare, and if our being here helps share that burden, then I for one am willing to hold Mark, you and your family in loving prayer!
God please help Mark in his hour of need!

3:49 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I'm so sorry that things are not going as well today.
We are all praying for you and your family.....
and it's okay to scream and pound your fists....it's okay !!!!!

3:55 PM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

No apologies ever, if anything I feel like apologizing for not being able to do more! God Bless Mark and we are not going to leave you alone in this realm of Blogging worlds, our prayers are always going to be HERE for YOU, Darlene for((((YOU,MARK,JAY,ANGELA&FAMILY)))))ps. sending you all angels on your pillows!!! xooxoxoxoox

3:55 PM  
Blogger Georgia said...

sending more prayers and warm thoughts your way...

xoxox
Georgia

4:03 PM  
Blogger deirdre said...

We will hold you in circle tonight, sending you strength and healing. My heart is holding you always.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Mark oh god your endurance is a miacle and my prayers have you at the top of my list, which has been a first, you are the only other person who has been prayed for before my own babes.
But as a mum and a friend to your mum.
I pray for you and send strength to you as I would my own child who needed it most.
And I do have faith, but it makes no difference if others dont or what their beliefs are because he can see there goodness and appreciste their efforts as we unite as you and your family being our common goal.
Love to you sweet boy and darlin D as always my sweet xxxxx

4:30 PM  
Blogger magicaldamselfly said...

Sending you unconditional love, many prayers and letting you know that we are all here for you. Here to give you the strength to make it another day, to stand firm in your faith, to be strong for your dear Mark,,,we are here.
I know that miracles are out there and I am praying for a very real miracle for your family. I send up healing prayers at the oddest times it seems but I send up those prayers whenever you or Mark pop into my mind. I have also added your blog to my contact list at work so that I can check throughout the day to see if there have been any changes and everytime I check I send up a prayer and send you healing light so always remember that you are never alone.
You are loved,
Sheila

4:32 PM  
Blogger dd said...

As a mom, I feel your fear and pain and sometimes waivering trust and hope and I know we all would be like that in your position.

I know that to endure the unknown every day and watch your little boy, cause that's what it must feel like right now, even though he is a man, go through what he has is soooo painful.


I continue to check on here and will continue through the long haul like so many here, because what else could we do. We've all come to love Mark and your family and the prayer and blessings will continue....There's never an hour go by in a day that I don't have your family and Mark on my mind.

Take care Darlene...we all love you and Mark and your family...

sandy

(dd)

4:48 PM  
Blogger Brown eyed girl said...

Picture us all outside the hospital with candles lit, staring up at Mark's room. I can see it now, can you? It's dark and the candlelight vigil we are holding streches down the street, we are holding hands with all our energy and love and power we hold coming to you and Mark and the rest of the family. Some of us are praying aloud, some are singing sweet songs. Mark can hear us too. Even the doctors and nurses are touched by it.
WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU! The raw is the truth, and its what we need to know how to pray. We are separated by countries and rivers and oceans and cities, but we have united for this cause. We don't all know why but we love Mark, and we love you.
Look out the window tonight and see the warm glow of our support and love, read the words as many times as you can, we mean it heartily every time.
LOVE and WARMTH to Mark tonight,
MIchelle

5:01 PM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Praying for you and Mark over and over is not a burden, it's a privilege. Truly it is. I am (and believe most of us are) humbled to be part of this amazing collection of loving spirits.

You and Mark are the magnets that draw us together. We are here. We will remain here, praying and meditating and holding faith in whatever ways we each do. Thank you for telling us the straight truth so that we can ask more directly for what is needed.

Love. Peace. Faith. Courage.

5:01 PM  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

your son has such beautiful eyes, honey.

i love you, still sending you hope, faith and good news.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

5:02 PM  
Anonymous Claire NZ said...

I check every day Darlene for the smallest signs of healing. Even in the worst of the news you've so generously posted, I always see hope and Mark's strength and perserverence.

May you have a long moment of hope and calm in the midst of the fear and worry.

Hope your lupus is behaving and the rest of your family is holding up.

5:26 PM  
Blogger Alexandra G said...

I just wanted you to know that, as they will be every day, my thoughts and prayers are with you and with Mark. I want to read that post where he has left the hospital and moved into your home and is on his way Darlene. What a mother and human being you are, simply amazing. I'm also sending prayers out for your own health, that you be replenished and strong and well. xo

5:35 PM  
Blogger martha in ny said...

I will light a candlefor you and say a prayer with my husband for you and Mark and your family.

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Kim in IN said...

I'm here....hang on.....God is with you......hang on.........HE is bigger than all of this......hang on mama..........your faith is gonna move mountains..........hang on.......love laced with mighty prayers,seeking our God to bring peace...Kim

5:44 PM  
Blogger Toni said...

Sending many happy, positive and loving thoughts your way.

Don't let your fear of the unknown hold you back from your being a supportive, loving, caring amzing mother.

Hugs and lots of love your way,
Toni

5:46 PM  
Blogger Chulita said...

We are here, Darlene, with prayers for Mark's healing.

Oh please, God, lift him up in your healing and loving arms. Help his body heal so he can continue doing his work in this world. Let there be good news when Darlene writes us again.

Darlene, I am praying for you too and the candle is lit the him again. God be with him, with you, with his medical team and with the rest of your family. Much love and I am wrapping my arms around all of you.

xoxo

5:55 PM  
Blogger LEstes65 said...

I want you to know my extended family is praying for you - they follow your updates, too. We will keep doing whatever it is we do when crisis befalls someone connected to us. And we are connected to you. Thank you for the unconditional love back at us. And for accepting all of our wishes, engergy, prayers, thoughts, love, etc.

You are loved from Texas.

6:12 PM  
Blogger Samana Rei said...

Dear Mark ~ you are suffering so much and I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. It may feel very strange that there are people all over the world holding you in their hearts and holding our breath until you are well again. This amazing gift can not be sought or earned - it comes from the light and joy in your eyes and the love in your mother and father and sister's hearts. You are touching each of our lives in ways you may never know. Each day, knowing what you are going through, I am more aware, more grateful, more loving.

Sending love and blessings and healing...Samana

6:29 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Dearest Darlene,

I haven't posted in awhile, but I have been keeping up with Marks progressions pretty much a couple of times every day. I have also shared you with my friend whom is extremely spiritual (she and her husband has started a church) and she comes from a very spiritual family. We have started a prayer chain. I have asked her to pray for you and she is going to ask the same of her sisters and the congregation at her church. I KNOW that God is there with you all and that somehow beyond all of this earthly pain miracles are coming from this. I look forward to when you are able to share these blessings with Mark so that he may see for himself how much the world does love and care for him and how much your family has become a part of all of our lives.

God Bless,
Kristin

6:38 PM  
Blogger LDahl said...

We're here even when we don't post... I've been here every day and I want you to know that sometimes even when I don't have anything to say(there's just no words for what I'm feeling)I still get over here and see how the boy is doing and how you are doing.

I wish you could get a break, you are so much on my mind.
Hang in there.

6:56 PM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

i've been with you from the start, will be with you through your nightmarish ordeal, and will be with you afterwards.

never doubt us. there's no energy needed to devote to that. i DO, however appreciate your need to NOT have religion as the basis for our vibes-o-goodness.

i'm not, never have been, and DO feel that sending a positive vibe versus a prayer may not have the impact it should.. but dagnabbit i hope so.

love you all.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Shari said...

Hang in there. Think about "Footprints in the Sand" and how He is carrying you through this. You are not alone!!

Take care of yourself.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous katie said...

I am praying for you and your family,
All my good thoughts...
Katie

7:14 PM  
Anonymous mo said...

I read your "Trust" post this morning and wanted to wait to comment. To soak it all in. I was so deeply deeply touched the words you said, how you said them. You are in the most difficult of places and your openess and humility and just how REAL you are is amazing to me. You have managed to cut through so much and if we are here in numbers to support you, it is because you have allowed us to be with you in your pain and have so graciously accepted our words and our prayers. I will again pray tonight to give Mark strength. You have been such a beautiful example to me through all of this. I have to believe that your strength and your courage and your absolute boundless love for that sweet boy is soaked up by him every single day.

7:16 PM  
Anonymous glo said...

The human connection transcends religion...we are with you. I will continue my prayers for Mark and for you and your family so that you are all strong for him now that he is weak. God bless xo glo

7:17 PM  
Blogger Dini said...

I am here saying my prayers and sending you (((hugs))).

7:20 PM  
Blogger Bright Phoenix said...

We're still here, Darlene, and we will be as long as you need us.

Mark will recover - believe it.

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are here...in hopes he can make it..you have all fought the good fight...there is valor in letting go, as a hospice nurse i hope he can rally, he has his youth..."lord my body has been a good friend, but i won't need it when i reach the end" if he needs to be free, please know his pain is over. I pray he can heal, I pray you will heal and be well.

7:25 PM  
Blogger Trish Ryan said...

We'll keep praying and hanging in with you and Mark until he comes home. Please know that your raw reports ARE what we look for when we check in - they tell us how to pray for you. I know it sucks to have to give a bad report when it feels like everything should be getting better everyday. It would be so nice if life actually worked that way! Keep on hoping, hanging on to God's promises of healing. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the existance of things unseen.
Much love,
Trish

7:35 PM  
Blogger Melanie said...

I also agree with Becca. All of us are surrounding Mark, you and your family with a hug. One huge hug that is there all day and all night. It is full of love, peace and healing. Take care of yourself you sound very tired today.

7:59 PM  
Blogger melba said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep letting it out and let us help you in any way we can.

XOXO,
melba

8:02 PM  
Blogger Fern said...

Tonight I left the house and blew out all the candles. I was gone several hours. When I returned I climb the stairs and a soft glow was coming from the living room. I turned and looked and one candle was still burning. The first thougt to my mind was " I left one of Mark's candles lit." A smile came to my face. It felt like a positive thing.
I am sending you the glow that filled my home and my heart.
My prayers for you are endless.

8:11 PM  
Blogger Michelle O'Neil said...

The comments from bloggers just scratch the surface of the Universal love that is there for you and Mark.

Don't forget to breathe Darlene. Take deep breaths.

My six year old daughter's favorite lesson from A Course in Miracles is:

"My heart is beating in the peace of God."

Say it with me.

"My heart is beating in the peace of God."

Love.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been keeping you, your son, and your family in my heart every day since I found a link on day 2 of this ordeal. I have not said anything before now, but I want to let you know you have prayers covering you from far corners of the earth, and that for all the people who are leaving you comments that there are more of us who are silently supporting you through your journey.
I don't know you, or anyone close to you, but each day I check in here eagerly waiting for some good news, and I carry you all with me as I go through my day.
Sending you love, and sending God prayers...we will keep on covering you until the day comes when you don't need us anymore.
With continued prayers...

8:37 PM  
Blogger Jone said...

I lit a candle for you here:
http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng

Look for JRM US

8:55 PM  
Blogger windyangel said...

Continuing prayers and thoughts. I feel uncomfortable that you feel the need to apologise but if that's what works for you I can't complain. I DO appreciate your honesty, in all things.
I thank God for your faith and strength and courage and honesty. I pray that God will help you with any anger you may be feeling at any moment. He is there to share it.
May angels surround you as you face whatever you must face.
Huge hugs,
XOXOXO
Wendy

8:58 PM  
Blogger Julie H said...

What a roller coaster ride of success and set-backs Mark is having. How blessed he is to have his family and his Maker on the ride with him.

Sending you love and heartfelt prayers as always.

9:31 PM  
Blogger k said...

thank you darlene for this post. i add my positive and loving intentions for healing, daily to mark's world. in the short term mark should feel a little perkier (i'm not sure that word is manly enough for a guy...) with the new blood and this doesn't necessarily mean he'll need a 4th surgery. but if he does, in between your fear and concern, try to remember that it's needed and necessary to keep him on his healing journey. it's necessay and so very lousy all at the same time.

sending you much admiration and love,
kristin (the OT)

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Sombra said...

I will continue to pray for your son. God is very, very Awesome.
Hang on Darlene...try to stay strong for your son. Please don't let fear take over; God is with you.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

With MUCH thanks to Jone, I have started A vigil group for Marks (and your family's )candles for everyone to light in specific memory of your own situation...I plan to post it on all of my sites and anyone who would like to light a candle for him can do so here: Light A Candle for Mark

or go to the website Jone posted and type in Marks name.

Thank you Jone, for the wonderful idea.

And thank you Darlene, for well, everything.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Katie said...

I have not commented yet, but have religiously read and re-read your blog entries since Mark's accident. I have read, prayed, cried, prayed more, cried more... Honestly thinking I was doing my very small part. Thanks for this entry though, it motivated me to write and let you know that I'm just another one of many that doesn't know you, but has this gigantic spiritual connection to you and your son. I hope just knowing one more person is praying for Mark might help you a little bit.

10:07 PM  
Blogger Deb R said...

{{{{{{Darlene}}}}}}}
Continuing to send prayers and good thoughts toward you and Mark~~~~~~~~

10:09 PM  
Blogger Dotee said...

Darlene

Will be here for each day and every day during Mark's recovery.

Wish I could take the pain away from you so you did not have to go through this.

But know I cannot do that so will be here holding your hand from a distance and pouring out love from my heart by the bucket load.

xoxox

10:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darlene, this is the prayer I'm praying tonight for you and Mark.

Heavenly Father,

I ask, Lord, that tonight you will hold Darlene in your arms. Comfort her, give her a peace that can only come from you. God I pray that you will heal Mark. Make the infection miraculously go away. Give him the energy to fight. And make your presence be known to him, so he will never feel alone. Bless this family and ease their burden. In Jesus's mighty name I pray,

Lea

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Robyn said...

I discovered your blog early this morning and have been rooted to the spot, speed reading with tears pouring down my face, back to the 19th December. I am a mother and I have walked in your shoes. I send love and prayers and as much strength that a strangers positive thoughts can give you.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Ninnie said...

I have been reading your blog from a link I found aon a blog I read everyday. I so feel for you and your family. I have lost 2 grandsons. One fast and one that I sat in the hospital with. So I know to some degree how you are feeling. I will keep you all in my thoughts. I am sending Love Hugs and Blessings your way.

10:51 PM  
Blogger ruby said...

we are with you, darlene...always...

11:00 PM  
Anonymous John said...

Dear Darlene,
I'm sending prayers your way for you and I know what you are going through having lost my wife to brain cancer this last year. Stay close to god, your family and friends. Leave Mark in His hands, and he will be protected.
HAng in there,

John
North Idaho

11:12 PM  
Blogger Shelly said...

Still praying for strength,healing and comfort. Mark is so blessed to have you for his mother. You are doing a great job. Always here~

11:14 PM  
Blogger Deborah said...

Dear Sweet Dar,

Continued prayers, love and support to Mark and to you. We continue to send healing thoughts, hoping that in some small measure they will contribute to the healing process.

Loads of love to you my dear friend.

xo,
deb

11:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am lighting a white candle again tonight for Mark and for you. Take care of yourself as best you can. We are all here, holding Mark in our thoughts and prayers. Always!
Love, L

11:45 PM  
Blogger angela said...

Such a moving post, Darlene.Think of us as a safety net holding you and Mark up with our thoughts, prayers and energy.
It's always darkest just before the dawn.
Much love,
Angela

12:23 AM  
Blogger Nic Bridges said...

Still here, sending all the positive energy I can through the wires to you. I am in awe of your strength and faith - I can't imagine going through half of what you and your family are dealing with each day.

12:44 AM  
Anonymous Brian said...

((((((Darlene and Mark))))))


Give us your pain and fear. Spread the emotion amongst us all and let us help you carry your burden.

12:59 AM  
Anonymous amy said...

i have no doubt that the determination and love your son sees in the tired but caring eyes of his family will help him immensely during this horrid recovery. how could it not?

take care,

amy

1:32 AM  
Blogger bb said...

thinking of you and Mark everyday and often. you are in my heart. may love, gentleness and strength be with you both, love bb x x x

1:49 AM  
Blogger gerry rosser said...

Still here, still hoping progress accelerates.

2:37 AM  
Anonymous poet said...

holding your hand and wiping away your tears, if only in my mind. take care please. so many people are holding the vigil for you, your family and your mark. love and hugs ((((darlene & mark)))))

3:44 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

How wonderful that we can go light a virtual candle for Mark, it gives me something to be able to do and that's wonderful.
I love that nurse ~ she's right, this is cake compared to Mark crawling from the wreck. He's a strong, strong boy and he will get thru this, I just know it.

4:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Prayers and Love from Manila...

Luxie

6:26 AM  
Blogger Regina Clare Jane said...

Darlene- how much love you have in your heart... it is so powerful. All of us love you, because what you are going through and being so open and honest with us here, is something we will never forget. You are as much a treasure to us and you feel we are to you...
Prayers for you and Mark and the whole family are constantly in my thoughts and my heart.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Sheila said...

Your bravery blows me away.
I have visited here to comment every day since the beginning, many more times I have visited just to check how things are. Like peeping into a nursery to see if the baby is okay.
The children Mark hears...could they be the spirits from around the earth, collectively thinking of him and manifesting themselves in this way. If so, we must not cry..he hears it and it disturbs him. I will continue to pray for him, that is a given, but from this moment...every thought must be a happy one. A positive vibe, one that strengthens and nourishes him..and you, his family.
None of us will ever forget this journey we share with you.

7:09 AM  
Blogger britt said...

wow. this post brought up so many different thoughts and emotions for me. first - yes you have so many of my prayers and healing energy coming your way every day. it is absolutely no problem. i agree that it is impossible to read your story and not want to do what i can to help. second, i am very intrigued by mark's stories of the children. could they be angels? could it be the prayers of all of us around the world? i find it extremely fascinating. third, i try to give you some of my mama strength. i know exactly how you feel wanting just to protect your child, to do everything you can so they never feel pain or suffering. yet i can't imagine exactly what you feel when you see him lying there. my heart goes out to you and my heart holds you and your family dear every day. you will get through this. boy do i hope this boy recovers soon.

7:13 AM  
Blogger sarala said...

I just found out about your journey. I too send you my best wishes for Mark's recovery (and yours).

7:54 AM  
Blogger Jerri said...

Again, thank you for the update. Still here. Still praying. Still holding you and Mark in faith and love.

Like others, I am fascinated by the children's voices Mark hears. May they be the voices of angels sent to calm his fears. May they be the messengers of our love for him.

j

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Lunarmusings said...

Darlene...

Beyond the reminder that still my candles are burning for you, and each morning when I do my meditation practice, my healing mantras are dedicated to Mark and your family, I want to share a bit about what else is happening here. You mentioned a few times that there is something happening in this blogging world, a force, a movement, a magnetic... (I'm paraphrasing)

And what hit me today as I read you latest post, tears streaming down my face, is that your raw honesty, your primal Mother self coming to us and cracking open this way, at least for me, is healing a deep mother wound of my own. Experiencing your maternal strength, your potent love, your faith is new for me. And it lifts me up to that place I instinctly knew existed, and that know is deeply held in me, but never fully recieved. You are healing me.

You are healing me.

I am crying as I type this now... I am grateful for you, your life and your courage in sharing yourself with all of us.

And that this potentcy of love from you has called us all together, to rise up with you and your family to support in Marks healing, and the restoration of your family is nothing short of a miracle. We are joining together across the globe in an outpouring of love. And this heals the world. Little by little it heals the world.

My love, support and gratitude to you...
e

8:14 AM  
Blogger Teri said...

Sorry to be so repetitive, but I just want you to know I'm still tuning in everyday, taking in each update with a lump in my throat and hope in my heart. Thank you for continuing to be so honest and faithful...even though the news is sometimes good and sometimes could be better, I cheer when I see a new entry because I am so inspired by your love, trust, gratitude and determination.

YOU are doing such a good job and there is a chorus of angels behind you when you sit by Mark's bedside.

Sending you and your family many prayers and big love...wish i could come hug you all and rub your shoulders and make you laugh and cook you dinner...

8:39 AM  
Blogger Awareness said...

Darlene.........keep strong and know that there are moms out here lighting candles and thinking of you and your family.......

Our healing prayers........sent to Mark........... bless you all.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

I don't know what I call my maker either...have no clear directions anymore, but every single night--one mama to another since this started--I have whispered a little something for you and him and your family before sleep. You're still on my mind...sending lots of peace and love.
--D.--

9:21 AM  
Blogger Jack K. said...

"Many hands make light the load." This is a phrase I heard as a youngster. It is amazing how things pop into your mind. It seems appropriate to share with you.

There are tears in my eyes just thinking of the strength you all are exhibiting during this time of crisis.

Please feel free to dip into my reservoir of positive energy at any time. It is open to you, Mark and the rest of your family. It is open to all who feel a need for such sustenance. The Universal Energy I choose to call Love is there for us all.

Keep the faith, and let Mark know, again, that we are praying for him to complete is life's mission with his usual thoroughness, strength, good humor and love. And may it take many, many years for that accomplishment.

9:24 AM  
Blogger daisies said...

our family is here ... sending you our strength, our prayers and a lighted room full of hope ...

10:50 AM  
Blogger brittany said...

I love you, too.

kisses.

Britt

11:02 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

FOR ANYONE READING THESE COMMENTS, and most especially for dearest Darlene and family..

there are no strangers here. no comments from strangers... no anonymous entries... you names are all known in all of our hearts.

we are with you and your family.. thru thick and thin.

the bonds of this bloggerverse and the strength of support and love is overwhelming and most importantly - healing.

we are ALL getting that energy.
we all love you and your family...

and we all want everything to go smooth and better in time.

hang in there.

~ B & mr puddins

11:06 AM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

Those gentle touches, wipe of his brow, and mother's kisses are what he needs ... you are such a loving, wonderful mother. I hope the children are little angels surrounding him with healing love and laughter. Much peace and love, Deb

11:21 AM  
Blogger dd said...

checkin in today...Darlene, what a great mom you are...and I just can't help but think of your hubby there too, so tell him I think he is a great great dad....

You will all make it through these times and some day the hospital will be a distant memory and you will be at home with Mark while he fully recuperates. We are all anticipating that one with positivity and knowingness that hopefully it won't be too long from now.

You all just continue to show such strength of spirit and somebody else said something about how can we all go on with our lives day in and day out knowing what you are going through..

Well... probably because we carry you with us in our thoughts and prayers. No matter what I'm doing during the day, Mark is there in my thoughts. I share his progress with my husband every morning over coffee, sitting on my porch. When I put bird seed out in the feeders, you all are in my thoughts.. This is just a part of my daily life every day and I just wish that all of us in blog land that come on here, (and I'm sure everyone feels the same way) could just take that burden away from you all for awhile by sharing it. Why can't we divvy up pain so everybody just has a little and not one person carries so much..That would be my ideal prayer today...sharing the pain...

love you all,
sandy

11:44 AM  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

that is so very beautiful darby.
so much huge beauty and potency and love there, all intermingled in the grief and the pain and the strain.

xoxoxo

12:44 PM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

Thank GOD! for that little nurse, I wish I could reach out and HUG YOU! (((((Darlene))))) sending Mark some more angelic balloons!and sweet singing! LOVE and prayers, xo, Cinda

2:07 PM  
Blogger Candy said...

Prayers are going up for Mark and your family from Abilene, TX. I can't remember where I linked here from originally but I wanted you to know you are in my heart.

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

And WE ARE YOUR TEAM!! Love to you Darlene,candle is lit and will stay lit until Mark is home.
Kim in IN

2:16 PM  
Blogger Cape Cod Kitty said...

Dear Darlene,
You remain in my thoughts, prayers and a part of my everyday life right now and for as long as you need it. Accompanying you through this traumatic time in your life, via the wonderful world of the internet, and the power of your ability to honestly & eloquently exprss your feelings, has created a new web of love, empathy, caring and when Mark is completely healed, I canot help but think this circle of love will ripple in to the entire world.
Today I went for a lovely winter walk through a beautiful holly reservation in Falmouth on Cape Cod with my new beau and we both talked about your family and transferred the peace and serenity there to you all through our thoughts.
Peace, ease, clarity, strengths and bravos to you for the way you are handling this most tragic time. Mark is so brave, and it is good he is letting out his frustration to you. Is there a hospital social worker talking with you? With Mark?
That can be useful for perspective through the horrors of what you are seeing and feeling each day.
Love and prayers of healing are surrounding you at all times. Allow yourself to immerse yourself and trust in the power.
Love, CC Kitty

2:18 PM  
Blogger judie said...

I am still praying for Mark and for your strength. About his dreams regarding children; perhaps they are morphine dreams. Morphine does cause vivid dreams. Morpheus is the goddess of dreams. Hang in there mother of Mark. My candle still burns for your and your precious one.

2:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Every day I check to see how Mark's doing. I pray for his full recovery. Bless you for your courage, strength, and fortitude. You're surrounded by the thoughts of many, many mothers out here who care deeply about you and your son. You aren't alone. Karen

2:49 PM  
Blogger Star said...

Continued prayers to you and your family, Darlene. Mark is so strong, as are you. Surrounding you with love and good thoughts.

2:57 PM  
Anonymous Sophie said...

Just checking in :)

Am going to sleep now, but will to send some good, healing, energy from my dreams!

xoxo Sophie

3:23 PM  
Blogger Amber said...

For whatever reason we are lead to you and your family, and Mark, we ARE. And we will continue to hold you in our prayers. All the way! It is no burden.

It is a PRIVILEGE.

SO much LOVE...

:)

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Dee said...

Darlene, adding mine to the prayers, healing thoughts, support, and love expressed by so very many others. Today in church I said a special prayer for Mark and after services, asked our Pastor to keep Mark in his prayers as well, sharing his story.

Keep strong and may God comfort all of you and keep you through this time.

Ciao,
Dee

4:41 PM  
Blogger ~Bek~ said...

I will always be here for you Darlene... perhaps not every day... but constantly you are in my thoughts and prayers... as is Mark, Jay, Angela... and your entire family.

You are such a beautiful soul... and I love you MUCH.
Bx

4:57 PM  
Blogger amy said...

Darlene! Darlene! I feel horrible that you misunderstood my comment. I was troubled by your tone not because I was questioning your faith, it is evident where you stand, but because you sounded so sad and my heart hurt for you. Electronic mail is wonderful, sometimes there is a kink in the translation when you can't read the visual cues. I'm unable to email you because of my mac set up. If you have a moment will you click on my email in my blog profile and then I'll be able to return an email in further detail?

5:08 PM  
Anonymous Loretta said...

Did you ever foresee how prophetic the title of your blog would be? You are on a path that few of us, if lucky, will ever have to take. When I read your blog, I feel as desperate for news of Mark as I would for someone in my own family.

I am knitting a scarf for a friend that is very, very sick. AS I knit, I have a mantra of prayer on each stitch: healing, recovery, love, compassion, and then the names of those I pray for: Mark and his family, Marcie, Anthony, and Ralph. Sometimes I forget; most times not.

Peace be with all of you.

5:54 PM  
Blogger Cindie said...

Darlene ... I don't know you, but have kept up with your blog since hearing about your son's accident on another blogger's site. I have been praying for Mark and your family and feel so blessed by your writing which comes I know from the deepest pain. Your faith is such a witness and I believe that God hears your cries and will bring you abundant blessings. I hope that the lyrics from this song will give you some comfort: Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

He loves you and I believe that He loves our precious children even more than we do. He has mighty work for Mark to do.

6:30 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I will continue to pray and hope and send healing thoughts. You are on my mind so much and look at all these people. I bet there is not a minute in the day (or night) that someone somewhere isn't praying (in whatever form that takes). Big hugs to you.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Uber Mer said...

I'm praying for Mark and you each and every night. I'm sending all of my love.

7:56 PM  
Blogger LiteraryGirl said...

Praying as always for you, my friend.

Glad that as of this post he has not needed another surgery. Glad that you can use your arms, hands, and words to mother him during this time, for both his sake and yours.

8:34 PM  
Anonymous Robyn said...

Can you see how the prayer circle is widening more by the day? That in itself is a miracle to me and it must be to you too. I am sending prayers and lots of love from South Africa.

8:59 PM  
Blogger Sandi said...

Praying.
From another mother

9:02 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

We will continue to be here and pray and circle and send healing...for as long as you need it.

The only thing to do right now is take it one moment at a time, both for Mark and for yourself. You are being brave for him and letting him see you stand tall. When you need to release, then that is exactly what you should do. Continue to be gentle with yourself and continue to have faith and hope...and we will continue to support you as best we can.

Love to you,
Jen
xoxoxox

9:30 PM  
Blogger Bird said...

faith and hope and love to you, mark, and the rest of your family.

11:18 PM  
Blogger luzie said...

It's morning over here and I'm just checking in.

Love and thoughts to you,
luzie

12:32 AM  

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