This Face

Journal entry : Oct. 23, 2006

In times of desperation...I talk. Some people talk to family, friends and Therapists and I talk to 'The Face'. If asked who the face is, I would probably tell you God. But you know what? If I am talking to God, I mean, THE Almighty, then I am being rather disrespectful these days, because in all honesty I have a load of frustration, grief and anger. Not words I would choose if I suddenly received a surprise visit. We have some pretty strong crap going down in our house this week. The marriage is fine, the kids are healthy, living on their own. But, in this big house with just the 2 of us living in it, it suddenly feels small, confining and a bit empty. I can't come right out and blurt the situation for my own personal reasons, but it's some heavy scary crap. Tomorrow J (hubby) goes for a check up, actually a test, a scan and then we wait for the doctors call. Waiting sucks! I've spent my weekend crying here and there, praying (while being pissed off and you know how sincere those prayers sound (*#*) blah blah blah.....And, I'm going on week 5 of being the sickest I've been in months. This damn stubborn flu has increased the activity of the lupus and they are fighting each other in MY body (and I have no say in the matter...that sucks!) And in bed tonight, J turns to me and says, "Honey, I really need you to be strong right now."

I'm exhausted, in level 7 pain, head full of congestion, feeling hopeless, weak and I am told that I need to be strong. Not "nice" strong, but STRONG for 2 people, strong.

I cover my face with my hands, shake my head no, start crying and say, "I can't, I'm just too battle weary right now!" ~~ He grabbed me from behind, enveloped small me with his big strong body and said, ever so softly, but with undeniable conviction,
"I need you to reach way down into yourself and take a hold of that girl that I first met, the one with all the stubborn determination and drive, who no one could stop, and I need that girl to be here for me right now! Can I count on you?"
(blowing my nose like a sumo wrestler) I said, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"
And I turned in his arms and we stayed like that for a very long time, both listening to the silence surrounding us and smelling each others necks.