Monday, October 23, 2006

This Face

Journal entry : Oct. 23, 2006

In times of desperation...I talk. Some people talk to family, friends and Therapists and I talk to 'The Face'. If asked who the face is, I would probably tell you God. But you know what? If I am talking to God, I mean, THE Almighty, then I am being rather disrespectful these days, because in all honesty I have a load of frustration, grief and anger. Not words I would choose if I suddenly received a surprise visit. We have some pretty strong crap going down in our house this week. The marriage is fine, the kids are healthy, living on their own. But, in this big house with just the 2 of us living in it, it suddenly feels small, confining and a bit empty. I can't come right out and blurt the situation for my own personal reasons, but it's some heavy scary crap. Tomorrow J (hubby) goes for a check up, actually a test, a scan and then we wait for the doctors call. Waiting sucks! I've spent my weekend crying here and there, praying (while being pissed off and you know how sincere those prayers sound (*#*) blah blah blah.....And, I'm going on week 5 of being the sickest I've been in months. This damn stubborn flu has increased the activity of the lupus and they are fighting each other in MY body (and I have no say in the matter...that sucks!) And in bed tonight, J turns to me and says, "Honey, I really need you to be strong right now."

I'm exhausted, in level 7 pain, head full of congestion, feeling hopeless, weak and I am told that I need to be strong. Not "nice" strong, but STRONG for 2 people, strong.

I cover my face with my hands, shake my head no, start crying and say, "I can't, I'm just too battle weary right now!" ~~ He grabbed me from behind, enveloped small me with his big strong body and said, ever so softly, but with undeniable conviction,
"I need you to reach way down into yourself and take a hold of that girl that I first met, the one with all the stubborn determination and drive, who no one could stop, and I need that girl to be here for me right now! Can I count on you?"
(blowing my nose like a sumo wrestler) I said, "Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!"
And I turned in his arms and we stayed like that for a very long time, both listening to the silence surrounding us and smelling each others necks.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh darlene, i can't imagine what you and your J are experiencing right now. just know that you are in my thoughts and i am sending many thoughts, hugs, and prayers your way!

1:36 AM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Many Many Prayers for you my sweet friend, I dont need to know the specifics but I do know by your words that it is an extremely difficult time.
Love you sweet D
My Prayers are with you
I send you strength and Love

2:04 AM  
Blogger rising to the challenge said...

You can, you can, I'm sure you can.
Take deep breaths and hang on in there.
Just when you think you can't endure any more tough stuff, you will somehow muster up the courage to be a pilar of strength.
I'll be thinking of you...
And with words of sheer honesty like those spoken into your ear by your husband last night, you will be inspired and strengthened. Cherish the fact that your communication is clear and open: that is half the battle won!
Good vibes going your way,

3:17 AM  
Anonymous poet said...

sending prayers for you and j now. take care and i'm sure you will find the strength. take care....poet

3:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i can't imagine what you are both going through, but please know that i am sending some heavy-duty love, strength, and healing energy your way, so if you feel like you can't anymore, borrow some from me.

i love you and am thinking about you.

4:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...just tears...

7:09 AM  
Blogger Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

I hope you are feeling better soon...what comfort you must take in J's arms! Prayers of courage and healing I send.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

I'm so sorry things are going so rough for you and your family right now. I don't know why it is that the bad, scary stuff seems to happen in clusters, but that sure seems to be the way it works. I'll be sending lots and lots of good thoughts your way and hoping that the results of J's test are good.

8:11 AM  
Blogger red sun said...

{{{{{{ HUG }}}}}}}
please take comfort and strength in our support... you're a strong, beautiful spirit!

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Mary said...

i read your writing's each day ... this is my first time to post.

i will think of you throughout this day and send thoughts and prayers tumbling towards you.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We have been in that spot, my sweet GB and me--when it rains, it pours. I have confidence that you will find the strength required to pull through your own bout with the flu and exacerbation of the lupus, and find the strength to be the support J needs right now as well.

Sending prayers of healing and strength for both of you as you wait...

10:20 AM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

Phew! Darlene!!! I'm right here in West Virginia praying sweet dear girly!!! and I'm there in Spirit!((((((((Darlene&Jay))))))))Lotta LOVE is being sent to California XOXOXOXOXOXOOXXOOXOXO Keep the Faith! Sweet darling! and keep snuggleling!! Love and prayers, Cinda

10:33 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

your hubby is a very lucky man.

as are we.

plus, you taught ME a new word today to add to my growing, kiddish vocabulary-o-goodness:


eep! oh my! i delight in you.
thank you.

~ B & mr puddins

10:39 AM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

i've known you all my life and i know you can reach down in there and find her.

we are all praying for you and J.

wishing the heaviness could be lifted for you both...

love sis

10:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love to you dear one. I have no doubt that you are strong enough to do this. I will be sending prayers and love and goodness to you and J. E-mail if you need a chat. Love tou.

10:51 AM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

I pray for a very bright light at the end of this tunnel. You are enduring so much right now. Your heart is so big and full of love, that I do believe that is what will get you through this grey period.

Sending you love, light, health and peace....


12:27 PM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

you and your husband both are in my thoughts. being strong when you don't feel like it's even a possibilty is so hard. i'm sending you some of my strenght...i hope you feel it...

and i truly believe that god would rather we be real than anything else. so if that means crying, screaming, cussing, spitting, throwing things, whatever, do just that. god is big enough to take it...all of it...the ugliest bits of it...

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Dar....
I wish I lived closer to you. I wish I were able to pop over and cuddle you and let you cry with an ear to listen.... I wish I could be physically there for you now.

Its so painful to read how difficult things are for you and J right now. And I am sorry this is the case.
But I know that you will both get through this...
Yes, yes, yes... you will be and you are strong.
I am proud of you for posting your truth and having the courage to be so candid with your reality.
I love you Dar.
My prayers are with you and J.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

hey beautiful

i wanted you to know i am sending you love and light ~~~~~

all will be well
all will be well
all will be well


5:15 PM  
Blogger Patry Francis said...

You give other people strength who don't even know you just by being who you are. I hope you are feeling some of it in return. Love and prayers to you!

9:03 PM  
Blogger Lucky Candice said...

the waiting is so hard! I will hope for the best.


2:06 PM  

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