Saturday, October 14, 2006

A Cyber Hug

I just spent my Friday night reading someone's archives. After reading their post today, I emotionally emptied myself into their vast space of grief, and I felt like a mother with empty arms that longed to hold her child and it was overwhelming. I had to read more about her. I couldn't stay satisfied with just knowing what she was going through on just that day. I needed to know August, and September, that was all she had for me to read, she lost all the other months when she switched from one server to another. I'm not going to say who she is because that is not the point. Many of you already know her, some of you might not, but I will say that she lost her Mother to cancer and it was as a mother that my knees buckled at these words, "Why is it that I think one hug from her, the one thing I can never have, would fix everything." I wept, no, I bawled, because I have an adult daughter of my own and I imagined that these words could easily one day be hers and it tore my mother's heart. My daughter reads my posts and she told me that I often make her cry silent tears from her desk at work, so I'm glad that today will be Saturday, otherwise I would not post this knowing she would read it and her tears would not be able to be silent on this day. Grieving is a very harsh emotion to live with, we all will end up living with it eventually, but the pain is tangible and sometimes it feels like it could actually destroy you.

When my daughter was in High School, the doctors said there was nothing else they could do for me and we all looked death in the face. On my worst sick days, the days when I was pale, lifeless and my eyes were orbs of fear, my sweet daughter would collapse at my feet, hold on to me tightly and weep saying, "Please don't die momma, please, please don't die. I can't live without you, please don't die!" I would pick her up and wrap my arms around her and I could not tell her that I wasn't going to die, at that time I could only say, "I love you, I will always love you." It never felt like it was enough and we still live one day at a time, one month, one year, and we cherish time now like never before. Our lives are not a cliche, it's our truth and we deal with it.

When I chose the picture that I did, I thought I looked pale and my eyebrow is raised up, like I'm saying something with a facial expression, instead of words. I make this face, I own that look, it's mine. It's an, 'I told you so' look, or, 'You know what I think about that' look. It's the face of a mother who wants her child to make the right choice, but also believes enough in her child that she will. I also chose this picture because if I get to look down from heaven, that will probably be the face that I'll have. I'll raise my eyebrow and smile just enough to let my lovelies know that I expect them to do the right thing, but love them no matter what.

Godmother was right honey, we are all born with a space inside of us that needs to be filled. Sometimes we do need some 'extra' love and that is nothing to be ashamed of. When you can't get to sleep, it's okay to imagine that someone is spooning you and if you need help, please just ask for it. If you feel like you need to be hugged, held tight until that space feels a little bit more bearable to live with and mommy isn't here with her arms held out wide for you to enter, then go find other arms. Go on with your life, you have permission to live.

When doctors can't guarantee a Mother of how many years she has left, we have to have 'the' talk with our children. I had to have 'that' talk with mine. And even if it pains them to hear it, the last thing I want my children to do is to waste big chunks of their lives grieving over me. I said, "You can make it without me, you're brave and smart and there are a whole lot more people out there that love you and will be here for you, so live. Be happy, don't stop being you, life is short, it really really is, so don't waste" ~ And we cried and held each other, our stomachs hurt as we allowed ourselves to feel that pain, but then we wiped our tears and I kept reading my book and they went back to doing homework. And.....I'm still here, for now....and today I read her post and wanted to reach into that screen and pull her into my Mother's arms and hold her so tight, I wanted to lie down with her and spoon her, stroke her hair and tuck it behind her ear and hum until she fell asleep. I wanted that space inside to shrink just enough to make it bearable, I want this post to make you feel cared for and I want you to live. Fight for it, you're worth it, take my cyber hug, click away from 'a walk in my shoes' and feel loved. Take it from me, a mother, she wants you to be fly :)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i know who you are talking about, and she is an incredibly beautiful, wise, and strong soul and i have learned much from her words. i feel the same way about you. such inspiration is found in this blog-circle we all share. ((hugs))

10:38 PM  
Anonymous ceanandjen said...

I am not often speechless. You have left me speechless. This is a beautiful post, and it is as real as it gets. We do feel the love. Big hugs back to you. xoxoxo

P.S. Your "you" face is a beautiful one.

10:38 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

beautiful picture. very soft and soothing. xoxo

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is a beautiful post...and as an adult daughter who loves her mom more than life, i know that the time will come, and i know that your words speak for so many mothers...she will want me to be free and happy. love to you. thanks for writing this.

12:13 AM  
Blogger bb said...

you are amazing darlene x

3:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The thought of a world without you.
Painful, sad and totally unimaginable to me.
You are such a gorgeous soul Dar.
I am blessed to have found you.
And I know that you are aware what an amazing woman you are to me... and so many.
To yourself.

4:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just thank you for writing. that is about all i can write. beautiful post, as they all are.

5:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you, darlene...i'm crying right now.

how did you know exactly what i needed? words cannot express. if it's okay i'd like to write you an email; beginning to know you has been an incredible experience for me.

(a BIG hug, a few tears, and MUCH LOVE)

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a powerful post, D. And what a wonderful gift you have. In the short time I've been getting to know you, your words have been a balm to me, and I'm sure these words you've written today will be a balm for her too.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Teresa said...

This post made me cry, not because I have lost my mom, but because I of the loss of my father. I was very young when he passed away, and there were many, many times in my life--I wanted big huge daddy hugs to help me make it through. You are such a special and loving, inspiring person. Here is my big (((hug))) for you!

Much Love!

8:18 AM  
Blogger Deb R said...

Damn, that made me cry.

My mom lived 5 years and 1 day past her cancer diagnosis (which was much longer than all the doctors expected) and I'll always be convinced that part of what kept her fighting to live so long and through so much pain was not wanting to leave her kids and grandkids behind.

10:58 AM  
Blogger Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

What an incredibly beautiful post, Darlene ... so loving, wise and filled with hope. I'm sure the one who this post was intended for feels all of the love and caring that went in to it.

A big hug to you as well, dear beautiful woman.

11:57 AM  
Blogger Goddess of Leonie said...

oh darling,

i have tears in my eyes.

thank you.

6:04 PM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

Thank GOD! there are SWEET Darlenes in this world!!! and I'm soooooo GLAD I KNOW one! Loving YOU,(((((Darlene)))) XO

6:29 PM  
Blogger twitches said...

You're such a strong human being. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Wow. Just wow. I am humbled by your sensitivity and your strength.

7:38 PM  
Anonymous acumamakiki said...

I often lurk here but had to comment that this spoke to the mother in me and all the huge fears I have about dying young and not being here to watch my girl grow. Your words to your children are wise and true and worth telling your kids anytime, so they know that they can soar even if their mama isn't there physically to pave the way.

7:23 AM  
Blogger Dana said...

I lost my own mother to cancer less than two years ago. I hate cancer. But I love your words. Thank you for writing this.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Left-handed Trees... said...

This was so moving...I related as a mother and a child here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts...

12:40 PM  
Blogger Shaz said...

Dar im a mess, how well I know of what you speak, the other day my youngest read my blog.I shelter the younger two of my kids avoiding the "talk" and I get so lost when I write my feelings, I forgot about them reading it and she left a comment. TIMEING its all about timing I think im more afraid of speaking my fears then they are of hearing them. Death doesnt scare me leaving my family does.This was beautiful you are such a generous soul big Hugs to you and yours.
Shaz xoxo

6:02 PM  
Blogger red sun said...

You're the Mother we all crave and the the inspiration we need.

I'm crying after reading your post... because I can feel your love, and it reminds me of my relationship with own Mother. We're very close and I'm sure I would hear her echo those same words if she had to have 'the talk' with me.

Bless you, and thank you. {{{{HUGS}}}}}

7:53 AM  
Blogger bronxbt said...

gods i lurve you.

thank you for sharing.

i'm a HUGE puss, and i read stuff like this and i can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

good thing my office has a door....

smile, big hug, and again, thank you

8:14 AM  
Anonymous Vanessa said...

thank you, thank you, thank you...
the mother in me is so grateful to you for this, but the daughter in me is more...

1:11 PM  

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