"Long Live the Queen"

"Why am I even posting this?" The words I said aloud in my empty room for no one to hear, but me. Besides the fact that this is a very sad day in history indeed, my news is also sad and I wanted it to be....oh, so much more than the reality of this experience. And that is all this weekend was, an experience...my experience, no one can dispute it, or explain it. I don't need any explanations, this is my story to tell...

~I woke up early Saturday morning to make sure that my hair and makeup looked just right. Heavy, extended eyeliner gave me an exotic feel and my lips were lined and pouty. I donned the Royal outfit and put on my Gold heals, gazed in the mirror at this character that I was about to play, so I held my arms in the air and shimmied my hips to make the beads dance and sing. They did and I became the princess that I was supposed to be for this event. I smiled at my most alluring self, I felt proud and humbled to be representing Royalty in a culture that I was not born into and walked out of my world, prepared and ready to enter another.

~The big hall was shiny and huge mirrored pillars lined the room. People were running around setting up sound systems, kitchen humming with yummy smells and women's deep laughter, vendors arranging their wares, this way and that, until everything looked just perfect. I got to work to achieve the same thing...perfection. I made a mental note that no one else was 'dressed' for the occasion, but myself, and I inwardly thanked Mrs. M for allowing me to wear one of her many costumes. Her family arrived and greeted me warmly, admiring how their Mother's dress looked on me. They were dressed up also, so we all spun around and shimmied, laughing at how girls will be girls and giggling at our silly behavior. They were a prominent family in this community, the eldest daughter being a TV celebrity from their own channel and the rest responsible for all the hard details that involve putting on an event of this magnitude. The big clock struck 11:00 a.m. and the ethnic music began.

~Chills ran down my spine as the room began to fill up with people, their people and I thought the music added such a festive feel, that ebbed and flowed, moved around the hall like a smoke that surrounded you and transported you to another time....and that's when it began.

~I was clearly an alien here. I received harsh looks, mumblings in a language that I could not understand, sneers at my wares and silence was the average response, as I smiled and greeted each person who braved coming over to my tables. No one bought anything, even the children...not yet tainted with long life, would run up to their momma's and papa's, asking for money because they had found a pretty treasure that caught their eye, only to be told, "NO!" and I noticed that the child never visited my table again.

~That did it for me. That was the arrow that struck the hurtful blow...the children. I was the most excited about the jewelry that I had made for the children. I love all children and I imagined little girls wanting the tags cut off right away, so that they could wear the bracelets and necklaces that sparkled with rainbow shiny beads of every color. Their parents doused their excitement with fierce denial and one time, a little girl looked back at me, her eyes saying, "I'm sorry" for her parents humiliating behavior. I was rejected and I held my head up high, even returning the next day because I had given my word to be there, but that day the princess dress felt like a weight I had to carry around and the sounds of the beads as I walked, my heavy emotions put to sound. I was rejected the second day, even worse than the first. My husband came at 7 p.m. on that last day and saw the pain in my eyes. We packed up, him a little faster than me, and we snuck out the back. I held my Jewels in my lap. Lovingly made with my hands and tenderly placed back in the box. I was silent, but I could hear my husband's loving words of reassurance somewhere in the distance of my mind on the way home. I didn't cry until I got back and closed myself up into the bathroom. The thick eyeliner ran down my face, mingled with my tears and I stood there in the princess dress inwardly fighting off big words like prejudice, judging, stereotyping and I swore off any negative thoughts towards these people before they could infiltrate my core.

~I took off the dress and with it I shed the last 2 days. I laid down on my bed, my head resting on my favorite soft pillow and I cried again, but this time I cried for the children...and the little girl with the sorry eyes.

I am okay. I learned a hard lesson, one that I wish I hadn't, which is foreign to me, because my nature is to welcome learning and lessons. Maybe it's today and today's date that will never be the same again. I don't know...I just want to stop and smell the roses, keep making things that I think are beautiful and cling to the hope that still lives inside of me. The hope that all people really want... is to love and be loved.