Tuesday, August 15, 2006

"Learning to Love Darlene"

I too have been participating in Liz's self acceptance meditation challenge. I have been mirror gazing, using different techniques and following her sensitive emails, or listening to the recorded instructions. I have read responses from many of you that are also participating and am enjoying and relating to your growth and hurdles. I have set a mirror next to my computer to act as a reminder and commitment to this exercise. Since coming up to the 2 week mark, I've decided that I'm really tired of looking at my face for long periods of time. I felt set free by Liz's comment that time was not an issue...a couple of minutes would do. On some days, the gazing was difficult because of my illness, the reflection reminiscent of someone deathly pale and weak. On other days, my mind wandered and wanted to daydream and do anything other than look at my face. I did learn a few new physical things...I have some new freckles, (or could they be age spots?) some of my moles have gotten larger, (is that a hair I see?) and my wrinkles are deeper. (and have wrinkles inside the wrinkles)

But, the goal is not to be critical about this face, it's not to point out the fact that I am aging and it's certainly not a time to mourn my loss of youth, but it is time I am setting aside to fall in love with and accept this face that is mine. I noticed distinct changes in my appearance, changes that are the evidence of the triumphs and trials I have endured. I think I actually saw some sorrow above my brow, happiness in some of the creases and maybe a little wisdom in my eyes. It was then that I made a major decision. I needed a change, an external change to match the freedom I was beginning to feel. It was time to cut off my long hair.

My sisters and I have carried on a trait we inherited from our Mother. We have always taken very good care of our hair and our styles match our personalities. To this day, my Mother wears her hair in a very young and flattering style, it fits with how she feels inside and we girls followed suit. We have each worn our hair sassy short, semi medium, or very long, but I am the only one to have been brave enough to wear the "pixie" cut. I can't take too much credit for this bravery because it first resulted from the fact that when your loosing your hair in large quantities from an illness, it is emotionally easier to just hack it off, and so I did. Well, I'm in that place again, needing to free myself from the distress of watching clumps of my hair clog the drain every time I wash it. The reflection in the mirror told me this and I made peace with it.

I noticed that each time I mirror meditated, I pulled back my hair to fill the space with just my face. And my eyes told me that I don't need this long stringy reminder to absorb so much of my energy. I realized that I have been really stressed out about it and my face said, "We don't need it, do you?"....No, I don't. So, today I have an appointment to cut off this burden and go back to the pixie hair cut that makes me feel so free. No more clumps, clogged drains, or reminders that massive hair loss means something is not right. I still loose the hair, it's just so short that it replaces itself without me even noticing it. So, I'm excited to do this....and a little nervous. The last time was at least 10 years ago. I promise to take a picture and share the result with all of you. And the next time I spend my moment in the mirror....what will I see?


Blogger bb said...

wow - what a bold decision! with your elfin features (and polker straight locks ;-)) i'm sure you'll look fabulous - can't wait to see the results.
hair is somehow related to energy, isn't it? i have a love/hate relationship- with mine. maybe more about that in the future.

good luck x x x

12:55 AM  
Blogger brittany said...

ooo-I can't wait to see. I'm sure you will be beautiful, as always. I donned the "pixie" a while back too, and it is quite liberating. If it helps you to forget the illness a little, it is worth it.

5:41 AM  
Anonymous Teresa said...

Okay this brought me out of my hole, I am back in the blogging world--weak I know. I just admire your strength and feed off of your courage. I cannot wait to see your new "do". You are beautiful no matter what your hair is like!

Missed you!

7:54 AM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

oooooooh...i am so excited!

you look gorgeous in pixie cuts. now when i see a cute, sparkly barret or mini clip, i will pick it up for you.

are you going to put some funky highlights in along with it??? like a blonde or auburn highlight in the front bang? me likie very much.

my doc appointment is today too. we are both beginning new journey's today!

love you, sis.

8:48 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i can't wait to see your gorgeous face with your new 'do! fantastic fun my dear.
the last few days, my meditations have been short, short, and shorter. today i am going to try to go back to more of a ritual...but i also remember that this is not the point. you already get the point. it is whatever it is for each of us.
blessings to you beautiful girl. you always lift my heart with your wisdom.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

O! Darlene! You are soooo Brave! I want to cut my hair short too, I've had it sooo short, I used to spike it and I did LOVE it but it's been years! 10 years ago, you were a pixie and now today is the day!!! Phew! I know you will be just as Beauty Full because the inside of you radiates!!!!Woooo Hoooo! I'm thinking of you and your lil sis, many prayers xoxooxo

10:07 AM  
Blogger Letha Sandison said...

That is going to look beautiful!! I can not wait to see it, do share!!!


1:04 PM  
Blogger Laini said...

I can't wait to see! I've sometimes wished I had a head that could sport short hair, but I tried when I was younger with sad results. I can't pull it off. But I love a cute pixie cut! I'm so sorry that you've been feeling so ill lately. I don't know much about lupus, but I hope a long long period of uninterrupted good health is just around the corner for you!

4:27 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Yeah! I am so excited and proud of you.

I wish I looked cute or even decent with a pixie, but I had it once and it was not flattering.

I am happy thinking you will be freed from worrying about the hair in the drain.

Lots of love to you sweetness

5:43 PM  
Blogger Madeleine said...

hair is such a statement about us. i think i have had the same hairstyle since i was about 6, not that you can call it a style, just a long frizzball.
i admire you make such a brave and dramatic decsion. however, being as beautiful as you are, i have no doubt you will look absolutely stunning, my dear.
can't wait to see it. photos please!!??
lots of love to you, brave girl.
(and i have deep worry lines in my brow now-boo)

7:29 PM  
Blogger Bek said...

My sister....
I love you

8:50 PM  
Anonymous angela marie said...

oh sweetie, you look great any way you wear your hair!!
this is one of my favorites though!
even short, you wear it so many
differant ways. sooooo cute!

much love to you

10:33 PM  

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