Thursday, August 10, 2006

"How Long?"



At 5 p.m. I had a seizure, the ache settles into my bones.

I am determined to fight it's numbing effect on my brain.

I don't really care about my body, it's my mind that I treasure most.

That unique quality that sets us apart from one another.

The hours pass and I grow weary, but keep my hands busy,

over-riding the heavy fog that tries to settle around me.

11 p. m. and I go to bed with "Good night" and "I love you."

Inside dreading the crawling movement of time that surrounds me.

Only I am awake and the rest of the world slumbers, breathing

deeply with the slow rise and fall of the chest.

I moan out loud, not realizing that my pain has surfaced

wanting to make itself known.

I wake the dead, gulping both water and pill.

Rolling away, I silently shed tears of self pity,

loathing my inability to endure the cup I am given.

Sleep never comes and my eyes watch the dim light

that slowly seeps through the cracks of the window.

I rise to begin yet another day,

unrested

and even more weary

than the day before.

How long?

8 Comments:

Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

I am wrapping my arms around you, my dear sister.

I am so sorry you have to endure this.

I will wipe my tears and pray for you as I lay my head to sleep. I am wishing you a full nights rest along with me. A deep slumber where we can meet at the ocean in our dreams. A place where there is no fear of the unknown but just a peace in the moment. A place where there is no pain, no trembles but a calm body.

Lets gather some sea treasures...

I love you so much,
lil sis boho

11:29 PM  
Blogger brittany said...

b/sis--I feel like you really are my b/sis, too.

how I long for the day when none of us have to suffer because of our bodies in one way or another. I am so sad that you have to endure this. I don't know anything about lupus, but what you've referred to here on your blog, but I can see the effect that it has on your life every day. I'm sending love your way, and I hope you can feel it and that it is soothing in some small way.

xoxo
B.

9:42 AM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

i wish i could come over right now and just spend the day taking care of you in the way you so clearly take care of others.
my heart reaches out to yours in the hopes of sharing a feeling of peace.
blessings to you, you brave, incredible woman.

9:52 AM  
Blogger bb said...

Blogger swallowed my comment :-(

So sad to read how you are suffering, Darlene, how brave of you to write of this so eloquently.

Sending you my love from across the miles,

bb x x x

10:12 AM  
Blogger megg said...

I wish I could come over and help you take care of yourself. I am praying for you and sending you as many healing loving thoughts as I can. take care of you
love xoxo

11:37 AM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

Oh sweetness.

I am so sorry you have to go through such hardship.

I am sending you a lot of loving thoughts and hope you feel better soon.

Love and hugs

6:22 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I am so sorry. My heart aches for you. I'd love to meet you and Denise in the place that she spoke of, the place where there is no pain.

I love you.
xx

10:23 PM  
Blogger Romina Bacci said...

ohhh my.... i hope my angels help you feel more relieved...

love
kisses
hundred,
thousands,
millions
of angels!!

12:22 PM  

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