Saturday, July 08, 2006

The Girl in the Shadow


On days like today, I would like to be the Girl, but instead I am the Shadow behind the Girl. She is posing ever so close and if you look too quickly, you will miss her. The Shadow is not strong, so the Girl must hold her in place. The Girl understands the Shadow and tries very hard not to move, so that the Shadow can enjoy the dance for as long as she can. It is strenuous and the Girl's family holds their breath, silently knowing her monumental task. The Shadow is very grateful for the Girl, her family, and the dance that is over much too soon.

I was born with Lupus and it disrupted my life almost 12 years ago. It is a very mean disease in the fact that I get no warning when it desides to strike it's firey dart. It is like this entity living inside my body with a mind all it's own. It does not belong to me, it just resides here. Today, I hate it, because the arrow has landed to ruin yet another day. I should be dancing on this beautiful, sunny, Saturday afternoon, but instead, I have to be content with just being the Shadow.

10 Comments:

Blogger Turquoise CRO said...

O! Darling D! You are dancing in my heart! I will be in church in about an hour and a half and know you will be there with me in my heart and my prayers! xo

1:36 PM  
Blogger Susannah said...

My heart goes out to you, my love. i wish i could make it better (such a feeble thing to say, but i mean it with all my heart). i'm so glad you ahve started blogging, creating a space where you can share your highs... and lows. we are here to hold your hand and cheer you on, as you have done for us so many times

love you xx

3:39 PM  
Blogger Sarah said...

I am so sorry you are in pain. But, in a way, you are always the dancing girl to those you love. You bring your family joy and make their hearts dance. You are the girl who causes dancing, not just the dancing girl.

I hope tomorrow brings relief for you. I will say a prayer for your healing.
xoxo

8:13 PM  
Blogger Bohemian Girl said...

oh sis...i am crying and holding your heart in my mind.

you are strength and beauty and love and healing to all those around you, so i never see you as a shadow but as a light.

i am sorry today is a Lupus day. let's just pray it will just be this one day and tomorrow will be a Darlene day.

i love you with all of my heart...so immense, so full that i can feel your warmth against me in a sister-hug.

oh...did you just grab my butt?

*smile*

9:01 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I'm so sorry that today is not going well for you. My father describes his Muscular Dystrophy as something that has taken up camp in his body, but is not a real part of who he is.

As a woman dealing with endometriosis, I know the shock of unexpected pain. I can be joyfully skipping about my garden one moment, and doubled over with pain the next. It's as though the Universe does this to make sure that I'm paying attention to smallest, most beautiful things in life and I'm totally thinking, "Can't you find another way to shock me?!"

Wrapping you in warm thoughts and kisses. I pray that tomorrow will be blissful and grand for you.

Amy xoxo

10:06 PM  
Blogger Laini said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. I have heard many unpleasant things about lupus -- but still it is a mysterious thing like a malignant spirit. Your description of it is very good, and the metaphor of the girl and shadow is very beautiful. I hope your health and spirits soar again very soon!

1:08 PM  
Blogger liz elayne said...

what a powerful image this is my dear. incredible. the shadow. i can relate to this on an emotional level, but not on a physical one. how hard days like this one must be.
but here you are, sharing your experience so that others can grow. this is what sharing days like today does: it gives us each space to know we are not alone in our own challenges.
thank you for sharing your experience, for giving the gift of understanding even in the midst of the struggle.
(and i am sorry days like this have to happen. it just sucks i think. not eloquent, but the truth. it just sucks.)

3:57 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:06 PM  
Blogger Colorsonmymind said...

My wording was so off, I hate to delete and write my comment over...

I read this beautiful, tender and vulnerable post...which left me feeling solemn...I scrolled down to leave you lots of love and sympathy for having to deal with being a shadow to this terrible disease....

and on my way I read some of the other comments, and your sister made me laugh so hard with the butt comment.

You are a butt grabing family too? I thought my family was the only one.

I hope it made you giggle too, and that tomorrow will be a dancing Darlene day, bright with sun, yet casting no shadows....

Much love to you
XOXO

6:11 PM  
Anonymous your little one said...

mommy...my heart aches when i read something like this. never think of yourself like a shadow...no matter how bad you feel you have always had enough energy to guide me with your light and wisdom. i love you...you are the strongest woman i know. :)

12:56 PM  

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