A Walk in My Shoes

A Walk in My Shoes is now...

2008-07-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

Gypsy Girl
Journal & Poetry

Find me here

fresh beginnings

2008-07-04T03:15:00.000-07:00

come and visit me here....it's so exciting

let the pictures speak

2008-07-02T00:49:00.000-07:00

As I have been recovering from a multitude of celebrations and sorrow, I find myself at a loss for words. With the funeral behind us, there is a sense of some closure and family is still visiting to ease in the time when we are all left alone. The roar of the roller coaster wakes us in the morning and is still stealing some of our sleep. So, I thought I would post some happy pictures as that is what I am focusing on here at home. The Graduation of my niece Kelly took a back seat, but we all momentarily put aside our grief to celebrate with this beautiful, talented young lady. Some in my family say that Kelly and I resemble one another...What do you think?

My Niece Kelly graduated with Honors from Davis High School.
We had great seats and this ceremony always makes me cry.

Here we are making a sister sandwich with Kelly :)

Us girls sure do love our Marmie.

Angela loves her daddy J...and she is the apple of his eye...

...and she is the strawberry of mine.

the consistency of waves

2008-06-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

It didn't matter what we were feeling at the moment

our tears flowed often over the loss of Pops

some mornings we woke up and wore sadness like a robe

later feeling lighter knowing he was watching us from above

It didn't matter that we felt confused and angry

that death often deals some cruel jokes

that no one understands our exact deep pain, then suddenly

a sweet distant memory temporarily pulled us from that mire

It didn't matter that our hearts felt so wounded

a heaviness that held us to the ground

we cradled ourselves and waited for a lifting

and went to bed with the same weight upon our heads.

All of this didn't matter

nothing we could do would halt the crashing of the waves

they came and went, in and out, background music for our souls

constant reminders that we were never left alone

The only thing that mattered

was that God cared what we were going through

His love would wrap around us and was always ever present

like the waves, He is and forever shall be

by Darlene Simmonds

dedicated to Robert 'Pops' Johnson

decompressing

2008-06-24T00:49:00.000-07:00

We have been decompressing as a family.
We got away from our house, jobs and regular routines and spontaneously clung to one another for comfort, sharing our grief, anger and sorrow. Being near the awesomeness of the ocean was like medicine for our souls.

The funeral will be this Friday and all week, distant family will be arriving here and there. It feels like this is all happening too fast, yet taking forever to creep near any closure.

I thank you all for your prayers and concerns and I have a lot to share with you as my brain processes all of this.

LOVE holds
us together
and we are
a team :)

All of us
together
are a
team!!!

about face

2008-06-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

Update***
I don't even know where to begin...
My husbands father is dying. We have been struggling with many serious decisions. Life ending decisions that are brutal, feel cold and empty. All that surrounds me is sadness and anger and this never ending feeling of helplessness.

Looking death in the face is scary and unnatural. The pain is tangible, a deep stab right into the heart and I can't seem to breathe enough air into my lungs. I feel like I'm physically crying for everyone in the family because they are all trying so hard to be strong.

Pops is in the ICU and I am not allowed in there because of my compromised immune system. I can still smell that place because of Mark's extended stay there. I think it's what nightmares smell like. So, I'm home alone all day and now...lately, all night long. I can feel him leaving, turning away from us all and facing a direction that is not to be followed. All I can do...the only words that will form in my brain and come out of my mouth are...

Goodbye Pops...
I'll see you...later

and thank you
for the
loving laughter.

***Pop's Spirit left this Earth at
2:00 am June 13, 2008***

Rest in Peace loved one

ruminations

2008-06-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

I have felt a little
better the last
couple of days.
This flare was
one of the more
harsh I have
endured this
spring and it
warranted a visit
to see my doctor.
Blood tests galore,
a shot and some
scary low blood
pressure was
all part of the
routine.
But, I have the best doctor in the world who makes me feel better for just seeing him. He is indeed an angel in the disguise of a doctor. With berries ripening on the vine, I picked a few for my breakfast and sat with the sun on my face for just a quick moment. I am feeling thankful to be alive, to have family and friends that love me and a God that watches over me. I am always seeking for the lessons I have to learn on this journey with a weak body in tow. I often wonder if having lived with good health...would I have been too self absorbed, or even more selfish than I already am?
Someone obviously needs my undivided attention because I no longer take things for granted and feel fully aware of all things happening around me. Like the beautiful flowers that are growing in my backyard. Each one is vibrant in its own right and I am appreciating Springtime more than ever. But the learning must be more than how to appreciate something? I think I am waiting for something profound to suddenly dawn in my brain. Maybe I am wrong to feel that I have given something up and therefore expect something in return? Our accumulations don't leave this Earth with us and that is not what I am after. Accomplishments don't either, so what am I looking for? Quality time is what I think most people crave...and I have plenty of that, yes...I have plenty of that.

Baxter & Ellie

2008-05-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

All Ears

God gave humans
the gift of precious animals
on loan
to keep us going
make us smile
and laugh
to give us tangible love
all day long
no matter what

if you don't have a pet
and you don't feel well
get one
because they know just what to do
right when you need it
all day
every day

how can I cry
when these two are here
to lovingly kiss away
each tear
that never seem to make it
to the ground

+++++++(Baxter just pressed this key on
m
y+
computer)
see what I mean?

mush

2008-05-26T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my absence, I have been sick and my brain has been mush.

Mushy brains do not function well...

2008-05-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

I found this while rummaging through a junk drawer. You've gotta love those spontaneous memories that result from going to the mall with your kids. This is a huge button that Ang and I had made for daddy J many many moons ago. He loved it and had it on his desk at work for the longest time. It feels like we did this a lifetime ago...ah, good times :)

picture this...

2008-05-21T11:37:00.000-07:00

We have a large planters picture box outside of our dinette kitchen area, which currently has marigolds in it...and a bit of something else? This is my husbands project, so I, cool and dry from inside the air conditioned window and he, hot and sweaty outside in his farmers hat, have this conversation...

tap tap tap on the window...
"Honey, we have weeds growing with the marigolds?"
"They're not weeds...it's lettuce."
"Why did you plant lettuce with the flowers, when we have a perfectly large garden?"
"I'm using it for starters."
"Why there?"
"Because the marigolds will keep the lettuce safe."
"Safe from who?"
"Them!" as he points to the garden.
"???"

Evidently, we have starter stealer's(lettuce eating bugs)in our garden that are intimidated by adult sized lettuce, but have no problem consuming it in infant form. Marigolds have a potent smell that most bugs don't enjoy, so they stay clear of them. Therefore, creating a safe and pesticide free zone for starters. Ingenious...

...and I thought he was suffering from sun stroke.

the best kind of love

2008-05-19T02:36:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things is to be alert and capture a moment in time. Notice that something rare and special just passed between you and another. Recognize it for what it is, unrehearsed, spontaneous and a gift. Hold onto it, tuck it away and later on let it roam the halls of your mind. I had some of those this weekend...

Sissy made this face, one that I am so familiar with and it was the most striking image of her Grandma Kay. (God rest her soul) I told her so and she said, "You mean when I do thiiiiisss?" And she contorted her face, to which I responded, "No, the pretty one." I can feel Kay's presence in the room when this happens and get a strong sense of security that we are all still connected and it comforts me. I briefly closed my eyes to give it a moment to sink in.

My daughter stopped me in my tracks with this serious stare she gave me from across the dinner table at the restaurant. "Mom, you are really a beautiful woman." She said it very plain and simple, but I could tell that she had been really paying attention to other woman in her life and had done some mental comparing. I blushed at her tone of intent.

In the kitchen tonight I was observing my husband putting away the loose ends. He looked so handsome standing there, so sweet to be helping us girls clean the kitchen. He looked over at me with an intense look of admiration. "Are you really happy honey?" I asked. "Extremely" he replied and then gave me a gentle hug and kissed my face...I love having him to love.

I phoned my girlfriend Angela at the end of the weekend, checking in to see how her hellish week with Charley's battle with Cancer was going. She sounded happy to hear my voice and I was thrilled to hear hers. "Next week, let's try to carve out some "we" time...just a little." I stated. She then said, "Oh yes, I miss you too!" Even though the subject matter was glum, our voices weren't because our friendship is just as alive and thriving as Charlie is. In our hearts, we know that he will beat this and soon we'll have a party to celebrate it. I love having such a yummy frister in her.

So you see...I had a very relaxing weekend filled with the best kind of love, the unconditional kind.

this girl

2008-05-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

is anticipating the arrival of her daughter, who just happens to be coming home for an extra unexpected weekend. We already know that we want Sushi for dinner, a really good chick flick and just maybe some shopping for summer pj's.

I can easily predict a few giggles, some cuddling and huge salads with everything you could possibly think of on them. She eats like a rabbit, nibbling various veggies all day long and a trip to Starbucks is in the stars. Jamba Juice will get a visit too and we can't forget those puppy kisses. The only yucky part is that these weekends seem to pass way too soon and before you know it, she is driving away again. *sigh*...

more importantly, this girl is one happy momma :)

a box full of life...

2008-05-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

I had a recent experience that is very precious to me. I am purging and downsizing my studio, something very hard for me to do. But, I feel so strongly about this. I am taking small units at a time to make sure that I don't get stuck into 'overwhelming mode' and then feel like I need a vacation from cleaning. I had three bulging bags of material, scraps, remnants mostly and chose a sturdy medium sized box to become the new storage container. I decided that after that box was filled everything else had to go, so my choices needed to be wise. I do all sorts of things with material, so the smallest scrap is still something I consider useful. Sewing is one of my passions and when I was a new momma, I took pride in making my babies homemade clothes and holiday dresses. (This was something my children stopped loving by about 5th grade...I know you sewing mom's and dad's can relate ;D)

As I went through the bags, I came across every remnant of fabric I ever sewed. My sons and daughters baby clothes, many staples like, bathrobes, shorts for Mark and dresses for Angela. The loads of pillows I have made throughout the years. Pajama's for the neighbor kids and my sisters. Curtains that I loved to often change. Stuffed Teddy Bears, Easter Bunnies and Doll clothes. And all the many matching skirts and dresses I created for Angela and I.

As I touched each piece of fabric and noted it's colors while cutting most of it into more manageable pieces, I remembered a tradition...I used to make a big deal about going to the material shop with the kids and allowing them to pick out their own materials. I enjoyed the lessons they would learn by seeing a big bolt of material turn into something useful with a little hard work.

Their choices said a lot about them at that time. Mark choosing bright wacky colors for board shorts and Angela with her pink and purple flowers. One dress I made her called for a white apron to tie around her waste...very Holly Hobbie at the time. She named her dresses and that one became her cooking dress which would get worn as much as possible.

Today's project took me all afternoon and was very emotional, as I shed a lot of reminiscent tears. I filled the box, gave the rest to good will, or the garbage and then labeled it, "a box full of life" rather than "material" in its designated spot on the shelf. My fingers held a lot of history today, my private life's history and my mind is already reeling with idea's to turn those scraps into keepsakes for my two children.

fresh flames ~ SPC

2008-05-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

Passion, in the form of a belief, is worth an

investment of your time and effort. A dream,

that desire that burns so strongly in your soul,

will often become a struggle for your mind.

You will face doubt head on and be expected

to make a choice, to believe or not believe.

You will question your ability every time

a dream is revealed, regardless of how your

heart sang at it's conception. But, I think

of the marriage that seemed hopeless by all

circumstances and the burning truth that

keeps probing the mind, "Remember the

day you fell in love..." and fresh endurance

is renewed. It takes just one spark, one word

of encouragement, one step and the

dream unfolded is ablaze with prosperity.

Fly

2008-05-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

taken by boho girl-Angela & Kelly

Our daughters turn into women, begin rearranging their priorities and spend their time away from home growing and learning how to fly. They fly rather well, because we were the lesson givers and by this time, each lesson carries within it the wisdom of 4 generations.

Angela was 10 pounds and 2 ounces. That told me something that I didn't quite get until a little while ago. She was born ready to go. Ahead in everything, according to the doctor's, Angela skipped over the newborn part and wanted to begin learning as soon as possible.

Her pink little tiny hand rested in mine and she would say, "Go momma, go!" So we went...and learned and went and learned some more...she was learning to fly. When the lessons were over, she packed her bags and headed to the other side of the world.

"Sometimes I regret letting you fly." words from a song sung by Ingrid Michaelson, "Highway."

Our children... flesh and bone come from us, personalities from themselves and their spirit...the Creator.

And, they were born to fly.

all Mother's day

2008-05-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

To every woman who has been a mom,

and every man who has mothered those in need

I honor you this day.

To all the people who desire to become Mommas,

and all the couples who are trying to increase

the love they share in their home, may the rest of this year be especially prosperous to you.

We lift up every Mother on this very special day because we admit that without you we are nothing.

In this house, we gather all the Mom's together, we feed and pamper them. We open presents and fill our cards with sentiments, saying things that should be said all year long.

I hope this day is spent by either you honoring the mom's in your life, or the family you have raised, honors you.

Special times spent with special people creating memories to last a lifetime.

Happy Mother's Day :)

The Big Bully

2008-05-08T12:22:00.000-07:00

Cnn just reported that Blogging creates Bridges that bring Our World Together!!!

Mark needed you, I needed you and you were there for me...if YOU had not sent me the support that you did, I would have crumbled under the intense pressure that the grip of Death inflicts on people.

My Best Friend Angela is going through the worst part of the battle right now with her Husband fighting the last few bullies of Cancer. He is a fighter, but the Bully doesn't play Fair!!!

Please Please visit her site and leave her a comment like you left me when Mark was struggling to stay alive. I came home from the Hospital every single day and Survived off of your loving and supportive comments. Angela is one of those people who doesn't like to ASK for help, so I am ASKING.

You can go --->HERE<--- and lift Charlie up in prayer, light a candle for him, do whatever it is YOU do to include yourselves on yet another miracle across this BIG Beautiful World of OURS!

I whole heartily believe that MARK is alive today because of you!

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

not just one

2008-05-08T05:00:00.001-07:00

It is so comforting to know that we were never

meant to be alone...by ourselves without friends,

family, or soul mates. Then, if there were big eyes

looking down, they would only see us. There would

be no reason to laugh or cry and be understood.

Each day would feel so long and we wouldn't sing

or find ourselves being inspired. Everything would

be about us and that just makes being selfish too

easy. Instead we have others to mentor us and

people we have to be good examples for. We

hear more than our own voice for advice and

encouragement. Now we become singers and

teachers, artists and lovers because they are

there and we learn to share. Yes, it is a comfort

knowing that we have friends, family and

soul mates to give our lives to.

fresh old lace ~ SPC

2008-05-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

How is it possible to feel so fragile, while inside the

roaring lion is ready to pounce, this will always

remain a mystery to me. To wear lace in those

paling shades of pink and white, only to be colored

in red on the inside. Oh, to peel back the layers in a

constant motion revealing each moment the

material faded over and over. I can feel the twist

when the rag is wrung tight and the color runs

swiftly back into the ground. I would rather be

that bright dye that will travel, than be the

colorless cloth that remains. Forever I will forge

contentment as the lace with its delicate holes

and designs. Fresh and clean, wispy and worn soft,

treasured and saved, used and past down

time and time again.

how are you?

2008-05-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm okay. San Fran really took a lot out of me and it seems like it's taking forever to get back on my feet. Our new couches came in and they are just lovely. When you order furniture that requires choosing a fabric it is done by looking at these 12 inch pattern swatches, you really have to use your imagination. Then it takes up to 8 weeks for them to finally arrive and most of the time you've forgotten what you ordered in the first place. So, you are either in for a nice surprise, or an (OMG) what have I done! So, things are looking different in my favorite living space and now I want new curtains and I think my red wall needs to be a different shade...Oi
Good news about Mark...he finished his hardest class for the respiratory therapy program with a flying A and the professor asked him to be a student teacher for the following semesters. It is a paid position and very good for the ego *smile* [Mark, if you are reading this, I have bragging rights for birthing you] *bigger smile* Oh...and since he is taking all of these medical classes, he is realizing just how serious his injuries were. It has been an emotional learning experience for him.
My Pastor and his wife have retired, moved to the opposite side of California and now there is this huge emptiness in my heart. I don't think I allowed myself to accept their departure until after it happened. Then it came crashing down in shreds of pieces. I just got off the phone with Mrs. Pastor (Wanda Mom) and didn't let myslf cry until we hung up. She sounds SO happy and peaceful I just couldn't ruin it with my sobs. I can't believe how selfish I feel about them, it's embarrassing and immature. Their children are very blessed to have two such precious people now permanently in their lives. I am green with envy. So, now...how are you?

open

2008-05-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

If we close our hearts too tightly we end up

avoiding important emotions and risk not

learning the answers to our questions. I think

we receive many answers when we actively

experience life and it always needs more exploration.

Seeking gathers our questions and encourages childlike

behaviors, such as innocence and trustfulness. Life is

so much more than just the living part...it is our candid

participation in the explanations that we give.

Open hearts that seek get life's answers through experience.

I am open.

the watchman

2008-05-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

Waiting in my bed at night, long after Sissy was asleep, I would open up the curtains and lay on my belly while looking at the flag that graced this tower. A beam of light was shinning straight on and the wind gave it an undulating rhythm. The hour was late, yet many perfect squares remained lit regardless that the sun had set long ago. I thought of my weary body that ached all over wanting to find solace in sleep, but some of those perfect squares in my mind were still lit, not yet ready to call it a day.

Such a big city spread out wide around this massive cove that inhabited so many different kinds of people and such a small flag of three simple colors raised up high like a watchman guarding the territory. I began to feel lonely laying next to this big tower, the wide ocean full of ports and then miles and miles of deep salt water. The many streets that made up this giant city with houses in every nook and cranny, roofs covering the rich and poor alike. And that same flag quietly waved a lullaby of freedom and liberty for all.

One by one another small perfect square doused its light and my eyelids started getting heavy. I felt weak in body, but said a very deliberate prayer over that mass of land with all its inhabitants. Who am I but one voice against these skyscraper's, huge ships and well dressed people that are solving problems in some office with their own perfect square of light? I hung my head feeling that I am just one, just one of me. And as I reached for the curtains, one on each side with my body making the sudden sign of a cross, the light at the top of tower actually looked a little brighter, as all the perfect square windows were slowly darkening. "In God We Trust" I whispered to the city, "In God We Put Our Trust."

lovely view ~ lovely people

2008-04-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

This was the view from our room. Evenings were especially fabulous. I brought my smaller lens, so I couldn't get the panorama look of it. There was so much more to see on both sides, Coit Tower on telegraph hill was smack in the middle, the Golden Gate bridge was off to the left, so was Alcatraz Island and plenty of Bay Ocean sailing, barge ships and cruisers. It was all so very stunning.
This is my daughter Angela and her beau Jon. I was able to spend some quality time with him. Yummy dinner and enough conversation to know that this young man has a significant plan to add more success to his already successful life. It was fun to watch these two make goo goo eyes and see how very well suited they are for each other. They are both happy and the energy radiating from them is lovingly contagious.

There is so much more to tell you, however the trip took its toll and I can barely keep my eyes open. My body paid a dear price for admission, suffering a lot of pain, but my heart is content. I need to rest and sleep, cuddle with 2 puppies and 1 husband, that missed me dearly.

Don't you think Angela and Jon make a beautiful couple?

I am in love with them.

I love their love.

so lovingly lovely

& lovable.

do you know?

2008-04-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

Do you know the way to San Fransisco? I do...and I get to leave today for a brief stay to celebrate my birthday. I am checking into a nice hotel with my daughter by my side. We have been squealing about this for weeks and it is finally here. She is a planner, so I will get my itinerary upon arrival, thank goodness she can also be flexible, as I will need some resting time here and there. I am lucky to have "cuddle time" as an item on the to do list. I have been very sick these past few weeks and it seems strange to go from little city to BIG city.

I haven't said much about Angela. She has a new beau who looks like a Greek god (a very beautiful big rugby playing man) and he is very tender hearted. I get to spend some time with him too. Enough time has passed between the two of them, that I need to let him experience the Momma side to me...the "you are holding my precious cargo" side. I'm expecting good things to transpire...and a few photo shoots :)

I am feeling anxious about leaving lil Baxter. He is almost 6 months old and hasn't left my side for one day. The bad thing about little dogs is their strong attachment and dependency on their masters, leaving them can be traumatizing. I think he knows something is up because he has been staring me down and whining these last few days. I'm going to miss him too.

Adventures...San Fransisco promises adventures and I plan on having a few myself and then sharing them with you upon my return, photo's included.

I hope you enjoy your weekend....

a whiff of geraniums

2008-04-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, geranium so bright

always swooning at your sight

with your vast varieties

choosing one's too hard for me

you're immune to many pests

and so hardy at your best

such great cuttings for the vase

sheer delight upon my face

when I'm with you I can't think

sorry to say this but, you stink!

when I touch you with my hand

that lingering smell I cannot stand

regardless love lies in your bloom

maybe you should wear perfume?

the why of strawberries

2008-04-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

Why strawberries...

Strawberries are a delicious nutritious treat, but they tend to bring out this side of myself that I don't like very much. That hoarding, large portion, I must eat them all right now, part. I don't need to be that way anymore because my main Strawberry Eating Competitor(my daughter Angela) is now on her own. Yet, I still found the biggest juiciest vine ripened one in the bunch and devoured it in my car before pulling away from the roadside stand. I know there is nothing unusual about nibbling on your fruit before you even get it home to be washed, but for me it's the satisfaction that I just consumed the First and Best One in the bunch, ha ha!

This year with my daughter gone strawberries suddenly became...well...I guess, just strawberries. And to be honest, I didn't get that surge of satisfaction that usually accompanies the eating of that first strawberry of the year. I actually found them to be rather ordinary and they left teeny tiny little seeds between my teeth. A huge mound of them is now taking up a lot of space in my refrigerator and I fear that most of them will probably rot before I can even consume them. Yes, the power of the strawberry has been reduced to the excitement of a loaf of bread.

I am going to visit my daughter this week and planned to stop by our favorite strawberry stand on my way out. "Oh, she'll be so extremely thrilled when she sees them!" I thought. "I will hand her the most beautiful flat of the biggest beautiful strawberries I can find, listen to her joyful squeals and the clapping of her hands." I was beginning to feel the smallest return of their allure, when the phone rang...

"Hello?" I said, answering the phone.
"Hi honey, it's me" said my husband.
"So, have you left for the city(S.F.) to have dinner with our daughter?" I asked.
"Yes" he replied, "I just left the Strawberry Stand and I'm on my way now."
"What?!...you're bringing her strawberries?!" I sputtered. "But you don't even EAT strawberries!" I whined
"What does that have to do with anything?" he asked very confused.
I sighed, "Oh...nothing."

So, I guess strawberries are going to have to be exciting all by themselves, no more competitions and no race to eat the most. I have to come up with a new ritual that involves plucking the BEST of the bunch so, all hail to the strawberry that I think is the best, of the rest, of the berries, that is. Next time, I'll buy some Champagne with my 1/2flat.

a Grand Opening

2008-04-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

petals soft and slightly blushing

winter's gone, begin grounds rushing

peeling back each separate layer

sun's deep warmth spurns on the players

a pageantry, Earth's celebration

side by side they praise creation

all new growth, a slow evoking

Mother's ready for her Grand Opening

by Darlene Simmonds

she arrived!!!

2008-04-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

She
just
arrived
from
wonderful
Australia

She
sure
is
cute

<--"I'm cute"

She
likes
a
good
adventure

And
loves
to
climb
trees

But
no
swimming
for
her

She
will
miss
her

maker,

but I also think everything will be pretty peachy here.

I purchased "Happy" from Dot and it was such a pleasant surprise. Dot's beautiful workmanship(and patience :) is very evident and I think everyone should take a gander over at Dot's Blog and seriously consider purchasing one for yourself, or a loved one. Thank You Dot...Happy will be just fine and may just turn up in a picture here or there. So, it's surely not good-bye, just "see you later alligator."

goings on in my corner...

2008-04-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

...so, this pigeon (species not indigenous to our area) flew into my backyard to take a bath in my teenie water fall. He is pudgy and throws water everywhere while he is bathing. I was quietly reading from my swing, so I don't think he knew I was watching, until I giggled. He swung his head around and gave me the "evil eye."

duh duh duh, duhnnn

(pigeon's have scary eyes?)

"Well, excuse me." I dryly responded.

"And hey, that's my waterfall you're wobbling in."

He promptly jumped out, shook his feathers and decided that I wasn't a threat, so he began enjoying the sun and exploring my grass. Now, only those of you who are old enough to remember the puppet Bert from the children's show "Sesame Street" can appreciate the humor in watching this pigeon walk around my yard. He was 'doin the' (knee jerk) 'pigeon'... I smiled at the fond memory and watched Mr. Pige until he decided I was boring company.

Baxter Binx proves to be a very entertaining puppy. He thinks he's Mr. Bad Dude, against my other dog Ellie, who is very lady like. Again, we are in the backyard, it's early morning, enjoying the peace and quiet that is our neighborhood...when this arrogant blue jay swoops down and pokes Baxter on the head!...he SCREAMS(like a girl)!

And I say,"Hey YOU... YOU'RE mean!"

I then proceeded to stand there(did I tell you I was in my pj's?)and yell at this bird, who is now perched on my roof, mocking me...and I'm wagging my finger at him with one hand, consoling my wounded puppy(just his ego)with the other hand, until...I hear this...manly...chuckle...uh......slyly trying to look around...dang, there's someone next door in their backyard!....

"So, there!" I quickly finish...and promptly slipped into my house.

(pretend picture is here)
(you will soon use your imagination :)

I love braids, I love to make them and unmake them, on myself, or someone else, it doesn't matter, I love braids. So, one night as I am watching TV, I took my then wet hair from the shower and proceeded to put a bunch of tiny little braids all over my head. (Yes, I'm a full grown woman and I know this sounds like something a child would do, but I think we've already established that I am a nerd.) I laughed, my husband laughed and I went to bed that way. (Hey, my arms hurt by then)

So, the next morning I wake up in braids with the additional boing of newly loose stray hairs that dry curly on my head and at 9:30am the doorbell rings. I peek and see that it is the Postman with my recent medicine order, that legally needs to be signed for. Now, this man has seen me in practically every form of dress you can think of, but never with braids streaming willy nilly from my skull?! In a panic I think(crap!)and I opened the door. I was blushing scarlet red and he opened his mouth to speak and nothing came out. I smiled...took the pen and board from his hand, signed it and then grabbed the medicine box saying,

"Thank you," while quickly closing the door before he could respond.

I leaned my back against the door while holding the box over my now pounding heart and (darn it!)...he just stood there for a moment. Now, you know what he was thinking and I know what he was thinking...I just hope that my entire small little postcard country town doesn't know what we were all thinking...sheesh!

When Fate Seems Absurd ~ SPC

2008-04-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

I never wanted to be a rock star

but I always wanted to be cool

not(everyone else)cool

my own kind of cool.

I was willing to take a chance.

You know what? That's really hard to do?

You have to shuck some family expectations

and blaze a few trails, do something different,

maybe even, strange in the eyes of others.

It's a song that only you can hear.

You may find others who's song uses the same notes,

but yours is still different and special only to you.

When we get older, we realize that being different

comes and goes. There is a time and a place for it.

So, in the meantime, continue to love the serious You.

If she is encouraged...she'll come out and play :)

I'm actually a nerd at heart...does it show that bad?

Springs beauty springs a plan

2008-04-14T00:56:00.000-07:00

We have a huge rosemary bush in our back yard and I recently discovered just how much I enjoy it's smell. Taking the big pitcher and filling it up good with rosemary stalks and a few pink & purple roses here and there, really made an airy dainty centerpiece for the kitchen.

We are getting ready for vacation at the beach in June, well, not all of us get ready 2 months in advance, just me. Whenever I think about it, I'm squealing on the inside. But for Summer in general, I always like to pick out a few good books for the season to relax in.

I enjoy taking #1. a serious book and Jack K (One's Mans View) Tolle's A New Earth intrigued me. Sounds earthy Jack! :)

But you've got to love #2. the no brainer, reading for fun's sake book. I have heard much ado about Stephenie Meyers, "Twilight" series. If anyone has read this, or talked to some one who has, please tell me what you think about it. (Yes, I already know it's a Young Adult section book, but many adults are also reading it.)

Then I always need a #3 and I an clueless as to that one....any suggestions would be wonderful! I really appreciate your input :) Thank YOU

a few (mostly new) favorite things

2008-04-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

I really love shoes way too much!

sippin' heaven

2008-04-11T11:42:00.000-07:00

Today I

received

this in the mail.

A small

gift to myself.

It came

from a

company

called

tea guys.

The quality was much nicer than I expected, especially for the price and the smell of the teas are divine. For all of you loose tea lovers, this is a special treat.

I requested four teas, Vanilla Chai Spice, Wild Blueberry, Coconut Truffle and Chocolate Chai. It was hard to choose because they have so many flavors. The teapot I purchased is the bigger size and serves approx. 2 & 1/2 cups.

So for now,

even though I am still

feeling pretty yucky,

I am enjoying these

beautiful flowers

from this dear friend

and I am sippin' this

little slice of heaven.

Thank you all so much

for kind words

and prayers...You

honestly give me strength that I am very grateful for. Have a wonderful weekend :)

absurd 'O' licious ~ SPC

2008-04-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

This is basically how I have looked for the past week. No, you're not getting that good of a look, but take my word for it... not pretty. You know there's desperation when I put on real clothes just so I can wash my bathrobe (sheesh). But here's the delicious part...I heard, "I love you" at least 6 times today. It started first thing in the morning and was the last thing said to me before the end of the day. By dinner time I told my hubby that it was good to be alive and without needing to say anything more, I knew he understood.

he loves me

she loves me

so does she

they love me

he loves me

and just so I don't forget

he loves me again

Suddenly, the last few days have turned peacefully bearable and I feel pretty darn cute in my freshly washed bathrobe.

my rant to blame it on the weather

2008-04-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

One of the struggles I go through with having Lupus is always trying to place blame on some external source for why I am suffering. I catalogue all of my food intake, carefully spread out all physical exertion and constantly listen to my body. And when I say "listen to my body" I don't mean it in that sensitive spiritual(sorry for my neglect, you deserve to be heard)kind of way. I mean like completely being aware of how every muscle in my body is feeling...where the pain is right now, what number is it, define the kind of pain, how serious is it and now what am I going to do about it, way. Being chronically sick is exhausting work.

There are times I get to choose to be sick, for example, when I plan ahead for some extended outing that I know will be overly taxing, when I choose to go shopping regardless of that naggy tingling in my bones, or "honey, please just put me in your car and drive me around even if you have to use a rope to hold me up!" I end up suffering in one way or the other, but I try not to complain during those times because I chose to do it. But on the days when according to my records I should be doing pretty good and I'm not, even I start looking for something to blame it on.

I think this is when God gets in trouble with some people. But in time you learn that blaming God doesn't make things any better and if you're me...you end up feeling guilty which always makes my situation worse. I also think that blaming, finding that cause, is somehow a little bit of a power play. This way, if I want to be angry, I now have some(thing) to be angry at. But alas, even anger uses energy and 95% of the time I choose not to use up my energy in that way.

So, my husband calls me from work to see how I'm doing (at the end of day six in a row of feeling like poop) and I respond, "just okay" ...translation: nothing has changed... and he says, "This darn weather! It's freezing one minute and hot the next and don't even get me started about the wind..." and yes, I know exactly how he feels...just like the child that wants to believe that all bad things come from one source and that one day, we will all be free from that source...

...and so now we are both complaining about the beautiful spring day.

I need you like...

2008-04-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

I need you like...

...cotton

a soft landing for my heart

because you wrapped mine in doilies

brand new ones

not the yucky ones

that have been stained

with god knows what

...color

a rainbow of vibrant choices

you have shown me my true self

through your own actions

I have so many cracks

and gnarly edges

I don't know how you've put up with me

for so long

...knowledge

you share things with me

even some of your secrets

I have told you my own

each one an entire story

that we digested together

and the best part is

we didn't even get indigestion

...sugar

my most cherished friend

so hard to describe

but this I do know

when I have been with you

I walk away feeling

like I need to have more

...water

a cleansing purification

you hold in your heart

my clean slate

because you very thoroughly

use more than an eraser

with all that love in your hands

To a very special friend

an unmade bed

2008-04-04T09:14:00.000-07:00

I walked into the room

and glanced at the bed

that main focal point

right smack in the middle

of such a large wall

with windows that frame our headboard.

The blankets were folded

so simple and tidy

like dog-eared pages

one on each side

my space, the left

and yours is always the right.

It looked so planned out

like purposeful sleeping

back lying to back

then leaving our presence

without even speaking

one solitary single word.

I recall phoning you

unfolding the scene

no omission of details

you said, I was silly

no reasons for worry,

I felt so dramatically needy.

Then biting my lip

I hung up the phone

cursing that weakness

that makes me question everything

even paranoid messages

that whisper from an unmade bed

Life ebbs and flows...

2008-04-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

April is a month of birthdays in our family. My Grandmother on my father's side, my VaVa, turns 90. My daddy, a nephew, an uncle, a sister in law and also myself. It is Spring and I guess because it is my birthday month I become very reflective and restless. Part of me wants to slow way down and take stock of what being 46 meant to me. Another part wants to dig into new ground, plant flowers and organize away the old projects and think about fresh new ones. What will 47 bring?

But, there is a small cloud over my head. My husbands father B has dementia. He has had it for years and is now at that level where he is in need of constant medical assistance. For months the family has been discussing where dad will go, when is the right time, money issues and dealing with a lot of grief and guilt. We have shed many tears, had a few panic attacks and need regular reminders from one another that we knew this time would come.

I think about him all the time and I get that squeezing knot in my chest. The whole ordeal is effecting me much more than anyone knows. I feel the stress my husband carries because he ultimately is the one making all the decisions. His family is much better at being openly graceful, but I wear my feelings on the outside.

At first it was going to be March, then April and now May. People make these decisions all the time, it's just a part of life, right? But it feels like crap, like a part of you is abandoning someone you love and it hurts. It's going to hurt even more. We all want to live long prosperous lives, but some of us leave this earth while our bodies decide to stay a little too long.

B talks about his mom and dad...and his dire need to go see them. They have both been gone for years. He has forgotten our names and our roles in his life, but once in a while he remembers that we are important to him.

I have been dreaming about water again. Water symbolizes all that is feminine and emotional, it involves cleansing and inner urges for new life. Often there's flooding (feelings of being out of control over things in your life) and the need to make sense of the chaos.

I feel very heavy about all of this and need some spiritual relief.

SPC ~ Absurd Hair

2008-04-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

This was the epitome

of the 1980 hairstyles

I adorned during

that infamous decade.

I think my hair

weighed more than my

entire body?!

How in the world did

my neck hold up

my head? I remember

thinking that I

felt so cool and hip.

Most of my girlfriends

were still wearing

the long straight

hair of our high school

70's years, but for me...

the bigger the better

and I had the biggest hair

I knew of...

...except for my lil sis...

boho girl 1986

YHow adorable is she?Y

I am so glad

this decade of

absurd hair has

come and gone.

And that hair

styles have never

been that big since.

But, the main reason

is because my "hair"

will never require

that much time

and attention

ever again :)

never 2 old

2008-03-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

This was a surprise from my hubby. Isn't it beautiful? I love to swing in the backyard, read, write, or just listen to the birds. But, what I love the most is being able to swing with someone by your side, it is so relaxing and we end up having the best conversations. Ahhhh, good times...Thank you honey!

long before we made the pies

2008-03-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

by Darlene Simmonds

long before we made the pies

we churned

and dug

we planted

and watered

we pruned

and waited

long before we made the pies

vines sprouted

grew quickly

leaves formed

and filled spaces

spines lengthened

hands wounded

long before we made the pies

buds appeared

quickly burst

flowers opened

beautifully bloomed

slowly dried up

and died away

long before we made the pies

there was hard work

a lot of time

continuous care

environmental cooperation

beauty and death

then succulent fruit

long before you and I are through

we get churned and dug

watered and pruned

grow and burst open

bloom and dry up

we work and protect

care and cooperate

pass a lot of time

and if we are faithful

and believe in our dreams

we eventually bear fruit

and are made into award winning pies.

...and what pie are you? :)

bad talking puppy!

2008-03-27T01:29:00.000-07:00

Baxter talks... well, I guess I should say, Baxter talks back like a bratty child

who doesn't want to be told, "No bite, Baxter!"

he is four months old now and 3 lbs of teething terror

so everything goes in his mouth...everything

and if he can bite down...he does

I spend a large portion of my day saying,

"No bite, Baxter!"

and he then says, "NOooooo"

back to me...he really does, I have a witness!

so today I purchased tiny training puppy treats

to reward him when I say, "No bite, Baxter!"

and then chooses not to talk back to me

it is so hard not to let his little cute puppy charms

over ride his piss & vinegar behavior

because I still get sweet puppy kisses

on the spot

self portrait challenge ~ politic's me off...

2008-03-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

...and personally hurts my head if I think about it too much right now.

I remember the day when there was no question about always voting with the party you were registered with. That's why it was such a taboo subject. People were so die hard and minds could not be swayed. So, why even bring it up and cause unnessary strife between two people?

This isn't about me telling you what political party I am registered with, this is about the fact that none of the candidates makes me feel all the things I am supposed to feel in backing them, not one. Safe? no.... Competent? no... Experienced? ...no.

So, I gently hold my head in hands that are lifting this country up in prayer to God in the hopes that things will end up fine, regardless of my indecision about who is the right person for this, oh so important job.

I am hopelessly confused and think we all need to go to Disneyland...maybe Mickey knows something I don't ;)

beautiful breathing

2008-03-24T06:17:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Easter this year very intimately. Sissy came home from San Francisco Saturday night and we all got up for church the next morning, scrambling for showers, mirrors and blow dryers. The service was packed, as it is also one of our Pastor's last Sunday's before he retires. Mark arrived just in time and slipped in next to me on the pew. He took my breath away and I told him so. I'm not quite sure that he understands the full meaning of what I am feeling when I say that to him. I had Angela on my right and Mark on my left. Sissy kept getting misty during the song service and Mark shook his head 'yes' in affirmation to what Pastor was saying. I don't think I could have felt any more peaceful in that moment. There were adults sitting on each side of me, but the hands that I held felt familiar and smaller than usual, so I closed my eyes and took a long slow breath and it felt beautiful.

Later, we went to a near by restaurant and saw familiar faces from our city. Greeting one another with smiles and hugs gives us such a sense of community.

These were just a couple of the trees outside that were especially beautiful. And then the fun began...

I think that Angela is the only one who can talk her brother into taking a funny picture.

Yes, I am so proud sitting across the table from these two. Mark had a lot to say about college and how much he is enjoying it. He is still excited about the medical field and may even set himself up to be a nurse. Isn't it amazing how such a tragedy can give someone a clear sense of direction and purpose? Prior to his accident, he had no clue with what he wanted to do with his life. Pardon my gushing :)

And then the two of us. Still holding hands under the table and adoring looks now and then. It was a Beautiful Morning, a beautiful afternoon and we all left each other smiling. (I did let them know that I am ready for Easter egg hunts and baskets, as soon as they are ;) No hurry though...today, I breathed easy, watching my little family create yet another good memory for our futures.

Poetry Thursday

2008-03-20T00:03:00.000-07:00

Two Couples in Carmel

a soft mist filled the air

and so did love

we relished every morsel

and every moment

long walks

longer kisses

they talked

we giggled

a gentle mood was in this place

and so was love

imagination turned back time

as did our hearts

long dinners

longer laughter

they ate

we sipped wine

then we had to say goodnight

returning back

two separate rooms, side by side

the angels guide

tender love

graceful movements

deep sleep

forever remembered

This was a trip, a small vacation of sorts, that Angela and I took with our Hubbies. As couple friends go...we bonded on that trip. The four of us enjoying each other's company. Angela's husbands cancer has hit home hard. I can't believe this is happening...and either can she. He is right now receiving his 2nd week of chemo, 2 down, 2 to go. I am sharing this with you to first, alert you on a spiritual level. They need your prayers and whatever it is that you can do to lift a family high into the heavenlies. Secondly, I want to declare my proud devotion to Angela, the awe that I feel as I watch her ward off the weapons of this warfare and the privilege that I can call her the friend of my heart.
Visit her HERE...any support is so greatly appreciated. Thank You so so much :)
You Are Loved!

I got my Angel wings today!

2008-03-19T08:37:00.000-07:00

'click' for a better view~ Nikon D80, darlene

~ Lavaggi ~

Angels of Reconciliation are what Steven Lavaggi calls his beautiful creations.

Beautiful jewelry designs, paintings, murals, sculptures & products.

I purchased this sterling silver necklace and it arrived today...

I squealed at the UPS man (which was embarrassing :#)

and couldn't wait to put it on.

He quotes this scripture in the packaging,

"For He shall give His angels charge over you,

to keep you in all your ways."

Psalm 91:11

If you visit his site, I bet you'll want wings of your own :)

dog-gone-it

2008-03-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

Now I am completely aware that these pictures are blurry, but my subjects were moving extremely fast. I have puppy wars going on in my house. The strawberry blond is Ellie, the 9 year old dog who tolerates Baxter, the new puppy who has no fear and thinks that every moment is a party where he is the birthday boy. Strange doggie behaviors are cropping up around here...

Ellie slyly steals one tiny tidbit at a time of Baxter's puppy food and hides them all in my daughters room...doesn't eat them, just hides them?

Baxter picks up one leaf after going potty and drops it just outside the back door before coming back in...he now has a fine collecting pile.

Ellie steals all the chewies and hides them (I don't know where?) but I do know she dislikes chewies and won't eat them.

Baxter steals all the toys and puts them on the puppy stairs that lead up to the couch...which then blocks his way to get up them. Later, he then looks at me like, "who did this and how am I supposed to get up there?"

Ellie happily plays chasing games with Baxter...only if she thinks I'm not looking, as soon as I appear, she growls at him and runs out of the room, but returns 1 minute later, guilt free.

Baxter chases Ellie behind Daddy's big chair and then runs from side to side keeping her there...the real funny part is when he fakes going right, halt switches to the left and tags Ellie's butt with his nose (hee hee...you're it!).

In between all of these entertaining events, we are potty training, teaching puppy that Mommy's hands are not for teething, constantly removing foreign objects from puppy's mouth and once again in my life...relishing nap times :)

The cute title of a newly released book: "Puppies Instead of Prozac" ^..^

"are you staying or going?"

2008-03-14T15:53:00.000-07:00

<----This is just one small corner of my studio. I couldn't even bare to post the picture in full color, it really is quite daunting. Well, the closet has been emptied and the shelves have been put in. The bins have all been purchased and neatly arranged on said shelves and now all I have to do is, to decide what stays and what goes...blah! My 'stuff' is in piles on my desk, the floor, my chair and any other nook or cranny I could find. I have laughed out loud at some of the things I have previously saved...like, the smallest pieces of scrap paper to what?... squeeze out just one more leaf or flower? Yesterday I called it being frugal, today I just call it trash and way too insignificant to save...and THAT is the story of my life...

I Save Everything

Don't You?

Doesn't Everybody Else?

Save Things of Value?

Things of Worth?

Heck, I can think of a million ideas to do with That *wink*

Paint it, glue it, sew it, Save it!

My god...just don't throw it away!

And eventually, all those things end up in my studio, in utter confusing chaos and decisions have to be made. Big Decisions like...what gets to Stay and what has to GO. So, just in case anybody may be wondering what I'm doing this weekend?

The Trees

2008-03-14T02:38:00.000-07:00

photo by Darlene Nikon D80

~*~

The trees are coming into leaf

Like something almost being said

The recent buds relax and spread

Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again

And we grow old? No, they die too.

Their yearly trick of looking new

Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh

In full grown thickness every May.

Last year is dead, they seem to say,

Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

by Philip Larkin

(August 9, 1922-December 2, 1985)

healing thoughts

2008-03-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

~ This is an article from Sunday's newspaper, an insert called PARADE. You can read it for yourself here.~

You know those conversations you have internally with yourself? Maybe it's mulling over a recent conversation, or a subject matter you feel interested in...? and then suddenly everywhere you look, little things crop up that make wonderful connections? Well, I have been really thinking about the power of the mind lately and because of this article, I now have a few books on order that cover a lot of research on the mind, also dreaming and their connection with healing.

I'm a powerful night dreamer. They are very vivid, have tons of symbolism and I remember every detail upon waking. I already use my mind to control my pain, calm my nerves and muscle spasms. But, I have not quite got the hang of using every aspect of the mind when it comes to actual healing.

If any of you have experience in this, or can give me the name of a book or website, please share your knowledge with me. I will definitely share what I learn with you.

Hope you're having a great week!
Happy Healing :)

girls day

2008-03-10T22:22:00.000-07:00

morning breaks into the perfect day

soaking up each single minute

discussing all and also nothing

silence holds our deep shared secrets

every step familiar rhythms

arm in arm this day is ours

two sets of hands are fitting perfect

that later will transpose memoirs

others here all seem transparent

they witness our warming light

it sends most eyes to sudden squinting

and they question their insight

the glow that goes along before us

the stardust left in every step

these moments all too soon are ended

leading us to homes doorstep

claiming just one imperfection

today will be left behind

but alas I'll be transcribing

these memories upon my mind

slumberless

2008-03-06T14:54:00.000-08:00

things here are blooming

nature awakes

refuses to be shy

or go unnoticed

she sheds each bind

steps over the line

flaunting no shame

while making her entrance

so everyone else

will pale in comparison

to her lack of modesty

Levi is his name...

2008-03-04T13:38:00.000-08:00

A young friend of mine just had her baby. First grand baby for her Momma and he is going to get spoiled with love. This is my 'Welcome to the World' card for him and my first try with mixed media. It was very relaxing and easy to do, considering my type A personality. Hmmmmm...yet another reason to collect and keep just about anything :)

*click on picture*

*to forgive seeing my mistakes ;)*

in the back of Momma's closet...

2008-02-28T18:40:00.000-08:00

I think my obsession for them started very early in life. My parents were young when I was born and couples still do a lot of socializing in their twenties. When it was appropriate, I was brought along. It was the 60's and everyone seemed carefree and cool with their teased hair, cigarettes and high heels...pumps my generation called them, now they are stilettos. A really good shoe style remains fabulous whatever their name or decade and I enjoyed sitting there sipping my Shirley Temple and oogling all the ladies shoes.

My mother's high heels were magical to me, 3 pairs stick out in my memory the most. There was the predictable steady classic black ones, but my mothers were special and made of smooth velvet. The curve at the top dipped ever so promiscuously, showing what we will call 'toe cleavage' and they were decorated with two thin strips of braided black satin that swept across the top of your foot from one corner to the other. Inside, they were silver and this fascinated me because I understood that once the shoes were on, no one knew except you, that your feet were wrapped in much more than fine material.

The second pair were Kelly Green. My mothers favorite color is green and I always wondered if that was why she had them. The first time I saw them on her feet, I thought that nothing else could be more beautiful. She was all dressed up to go out, she sat down, crossed her legs and your eyes had to go straight to those green shoes. Mom made her statement.

The last pair were so extravagant all covered with a specially made silver glitter. They felt scratchy if your feet accidentally rubbed while you walked. Were they dancing shoes?... or perhaps for a close friends wedding? I pictured her dancing in them and catching the lights with her steps.

What mom was told more recently, was that I used to play with them all the time when she was gone. My favorites were the black ones by far. I was too young to understand that they were very sexy shoes, for that time, but I do remember how they made me feel when I had them on.

So, that is when the shoe bug bit me and they transformed from being useful and practical, into something that I invested my feelings into. I sure wished mom still had those black high heals...I think we could both use a night or two out wearing them.

focus

2008-02-27T11:50:00.000-08:00

I'd much rather focus on what is beautiful...

One day at a ...

2008-02-26T23:36:00.000-08:00

This has been me for the last few days...pale, the right side of my face swollen and drooping from day 2 of a migraine and I acknowledge that the lupus pain levels are pretty high. I'm all shut in, my curtains drawn, dark family room and the TV is turned way down low. I'm thinking all sorts of things right about now, midway through this flare. Things like:

*grateful to have spent Friday with Mark, but resenting the price my body has to pay for it

*the heavy loneliness that tries to consume me...I hold it at bay (my arms get so tired)

*I completely understand why some people end up dependent on all sorts of chemical substances, but also know that that is just not for me

*I quietly cry and feel a little sorry for myself

*I think about women who are healthy and can work, or can just do normal things without the concern of knowing you will end up sick for days

*I often think of Karma and rack my brain trying to figure out what I did that was so wrong

*I also have this conversation with God

*I end this pity party and begin to pray, meditate and use visualization for pain relief

*I ponder the wonderful good things in my life right now

and then I gently remind myself...

to just live out One Day at a Time.

I'll do my best to keep my attitude in a healthy constructive manner, apologize for the grumpies and muster up more hope for tomorrow.

Oh...and by this time, I've received hundreds of puppy breath kisses.

Shopping with the Birthday Boy

2008-02-25T00:50:00.000-08:00

Friday afternoon, Mark and I carved out some time together to go shopping. He just celebrated his 26th birthday and likes to actually go shopping with me, any chance to spend some extra time together. He is very frugal, so I have to spoil him every now and then with a new pair of Ray Ban sunglasses and a comfy pair of cool 'nice clothes' shoes. We always enjoy each other and I feel so blessed to be this young mans mother. He wore me out with his newly healed energy.
He does the driving, picks the music, fills my car with the scent of his cologne and we spend quite a bit of time analyzing the plots of our favorite TV shows. I often wonder if the awe that washes over my spirit, whenever I see him, will eventually wear off. Somehow I don't think it ever will. The gratitude of his spared life runs deep through my veins. What a lovely day I had with him.

~*~struck by gratitude~*~

thoughts of you spark into my ordinary days

and quickly I am transformed in attitude

these moments, not spent in any other way

but with every raw emotion I conclude,

that life is altered when it's struck by gratitude

Visual Information

2008-02-22T00:19:00.000-08:00

I can tell just by looking in your

eyes

when your soul yearns to understand

the story of your heart

that long overdue soaring

of yesterdays

sunshine above the clouds

now you don't want to close

them

wasting useful minutes that hold

such great accomplishments

but that same clock keeps ticking

old history

tucked away in musty drawers

no chance to ask for different

ones

living someone elses fate

moments not falling into place

so today belongs to you alone

new visions

wonders still left to be seen

all puppies are not created equal...except for cuteness

2008-02-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

and what I mean is, most of the dogs I've had in my life have been somewhat mellow, easy going and simple to discipline...not this puppy! He (Baxter) has a very strong personality, is a complete clown and always makes me laugh. He's quite entertaining.

His other side is extremely loving, all cuddle buggish with so much adoration in his eyes when he looks up at me. If I leave for any amount of time, you know that royal "where have you been all my life!" treatment? Well, I get that when I simply just open the door and come out of the bathroom. He insists on constant physical touching, as light as a teeny paw on my arm, or as blatant as laying across my neck and sticking his nose in my ear...which tickles like crazy and usually turns into a kissing feast. How can something that weighs only 2 pounds have such a profound effect on ones life?

Animals are a gift
to us humans
that is both
mystifying and generous

one extremely romantic thing

2008-02-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

We had dinner reservations at one of our "least" visited favorite restaurants, least because it is on the fancy expensive side, but Tuesday night I had an unexpectedly rare seizure. It left me weak and physically vulnerable, so we decided to rain check dinner out and eat at home. Which is fine, but girls look forward to being "courted" even after many years of marriage.

right girls?

Well, one fire burning toastily and a yummy consumed homemade dinner later...my husband turned the evening into a "Valentine" to remember kind of moment. He broke out a bag of marshmallows and began roasting them (pretend we're camping under the evening stars) way and... one mellow at a time, we each consumed three.

Here is the romantic part...I love roasted marshmallows, but they have to be done a certain way, the loooong sloooow (gooey melted on the inside, evenly brown almost burnt, but not, on the outside) kind of way. It takes much longer to cook and requires an extended sit, directly in front of the fire and a lot of patience. My husband practically lights his mellows on fire to get it over and done with as quick as possible. He is not the most patient of men. First of all, the fact that he even knows how I like my mellows cooked is pretty darn romantic enough for me, but...that he took the time to roast each one to yummy confection perfection was extremely romantic...and little does he know, it is something that made the evening a, remember forever memory making kind of moment, for me.

valentine word tree

2008-02-13T23:29:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day Honey

At least Once a week I ponder all that you have accomplished

and I feel so proud to have watched you grow into the man

that you are today, instead of the boy that I married.

Once a week I Honor you in my heart

Twice a week I meditate for your prosperity.

Emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I imagine you right at the top of the world shouting that you

love your job and are right were you want to be.

Twice a week I set time aside just to pray for you, my husband.

Three times a week we discuss our grown adult children.

I ponder your deep love and loyal devotion to them.

I take those moments to feel pride in our parenting team.

Three times a week I feel grateful for such an active partner.

Four times a week I sneak a glance or two over at you and think,

"That good looking hot hunk of a man belongs to me.

I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and when you look back at me...

Four times a week my knees go weak when you hold me.

Five times a week I ask you how your day went,

and this begins our one hour dinner talk.

I learn so much from you and appreciate that you learn from me also.

Five times a week I look forward to those special conversations.

Six times a week I truly thank God that you love to cook.

I appreciate that burden you gladly carry for me

and joyfully, creatively and deliciously revel in your provided nourishment.

Six times a week, together, we are learning healthy eating for life.

Seven times a week my love grows deeper and deeper for you.

I never imagined that love encompassed so much territory.

It is our love for each other that has brought us through some very tough times.

Seven times a week, I know that I can count on you and the trust I have

in you means

the world to me.

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

This only love of my life~on this Earth~brings me Heaven.

simple prayer

2008-02-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

hey God

it's me again

and I know I can be a pest

sometimes

but there are

some very important people

to me

down here

on Earth

that need some

special attention

right now

my sister and brother

want a baby

with all their heart

and I can't think

of any two people

who deserve it more

than they do

and my best friends

husband

is sick

and her entire family

is scared

but she

is really

scared

there are other things

smaller things

and I know

that You already

know

what they are...

but these first 2 things God

are really important

really really

important

so, Sir

please Father

Almighty God

give them a

miracle

today

thank you...amen

(blogger links are broken right now...

my sister:bohemiangirldesigns.blogspot.com

my friend:angelasaspirations.blogspot.com)

meet baxter...aka

2008-02-12T00:41:00.000-08:00

Baxter Binx Bentley Boo

He is the newest member of our family.

I love mini Chahuahua's and was ready for another.

Our Queen Chi is 9 years old and ready for a playmate.

He is a lover boy. Lots of snuggling and adoration in his eyes.

He will probably reach up to 4 pounds as an adult...pretty small guy.

I feel like I just received a gift from above

and you'll be seeing lots of pictures about him

in the next few weeks.

"Say goodbye Baxter...rufffff"

blow ye wind blow

2008-02-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

when the wind blows

with cold winter gusts

we call it a storm

and bear it we must

but just for a moment

in your time of need

remember the wind chime

that's playing on key

the storms in our lives

may cast the night long

but our spirits are listening

for that special song

that will remain silent

unless the storm blows

find peace in your trial

and the song that's transposed

my tiffany lamp

2008-02-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love tiffany lamps. Everyone should have at least one, big or small,
it really makes no difference. They are magical and add whimsy to any room. I imagine that when I am much older than today...you will find me living with way too many of these lamps than any room deserves :) Tell me about yours...

You can also visit me at:
A Poetry Dreamers Blog

Ivy friendship

2008-02-05T14:00:00.000-08:00

Friendship crawls beneath my fence
in the form of Ivy green
most would say, "This is nonsense,
or maybe even just routine."

But, this plant has traveled far
pushing through the rock hard ground
all the way to my backyard
from my friend who's two doors down.

With it comes a sacred message,
"Through the soil you may feel shoved,
but just like this stubborn foliage
I'm reaching out to say,'You're loved'"

(Take a quick peek at my poetry and dreams blog.
I'm going to use this to open up discussions about
what the poetry, or dreamd has said to you. This is
an OPEN comment session...you're opinion is greatly
admired)

Visit me here :) or in my side bar. I love discussing poetry and the interpritation of dreams

Thanks ~ have a great day! :)

among thorns

2008-01-31T17:08:00.000-08:00

situations can be celebrated but
this is not one of them for
too many days have been allowed to
flitter away into nothingness and I
don't pretend to understand it all so
long ago I stopped asking why or
expected anyone to hold my hand while
sitting here in the middle surrounded by
all these thorns that feel like an enemy who
consistently tests my ability to hang
onto the big dreamer born
inside that took up residence in
my hearts
desire

encouragement

2008-01-17T04:23:00.000-08:00

Pardon my absence...I have been dragging since Christmas and I'm still catching up on regaining my energy supply. I have been very sick, but by grace have avoided the hospital. I have caught myself day dreaming a lot and taking stock of my life as I welcome in 2008.

I proudly and purposely didn't make any lists for the new year, but I did purchase a very "Me" day~timer to better record what I eat, do or not do, any weather changes and how it all directly affects me. I know it is such a cliche, but I really want to listen to my body and do a better job of respecting it.

People living with chronic illnesses have tendencies to abuse themselves when a good health day rolls along. I am extremely guilty of this and have decided to become a student of myself. One message that has been coming in loud and clear is:

"Don't Give Up On Your Hopes & Dreams"

I figured that if I have been needing to hear this, maybe you need to hear it too. The dreams that we have either been born with, or acquired over time are gifts given to us with no intentions of being revoked. Give each dream some room to grow and be nurtured. Each One is like a small child that needs attention in order to flourish.

And never give up on hope.
Hope surprises us with precious miracles, especially when we least expect it. Hope is a necessary ingredient to faith... and faith believes that nothing is impossible.

I am imagining that you feel encouraged...I know I do!

cling and climb

2008-01-07T15:09:00.000-08:00

There are days
that we feel
as if parts of us
are growing in
two different
directions.
Your mind
goes one way
and your body
goes another.
The lists we make
don't match up
with the hours
in one day.

And don't bother
comparing yourself
with those around you
because they will always
look more accomplished
than you are. The only thing that this creates is discouragement, which usually takes away your motivation. What often appears as a weakness, ends up becoming the strength that you are grateful for. Be patient.

Don't make the mistake
of looking
too far ahead
into the future.
There are
big walls
to climb
and conquer,
but it is wise
to keep
looking forward,
taking one step
at a time,
inching your way
to the top.

Celebrate
every
accomplishment
no matter
how small.

You hold
your own
beauty
just as
you are,
unique, special
and worth
waiting for.
Let others
help you,
see their
paved roads
and then
pave your own.

waiting for lulls

2008-01-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

Storms have consumed the last 48 hours and another one is getting ready to burst. We have had record breaking winds and the television News keeps sending out severe weather warnings, reports telling everyone to stay inside and keep off the roads. I have 4 extremely large trees in our backyard that is home to many birdy friends and I have never seen these trees whip and bend like this before. I find myself concerned, wondering where the birds find shelter.

All was silent until late this morning during the lull between bursts. Safe and unharmed, a countless number of birds returned, happy to be bathing, eating and singing. In just one moment the sky darkened and the rain began pelting down again. All the birds have gone back into hiding, their songs are silenced for the moment.

And these storms, like trials and bad lupus days, come and go. We bend, but do not break, we sway, leaning into the wind and wait for the lull in between...

and wait for the lull in between.

reflecting

2008-01-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

~*~ reflecting ~*~

2007 fond memories

watching my son recover his life

now we share a history

lessons learned through love and strife

2008 you've just begun

making lists new goals and dreams

looking forward to battles won

and the bonds still set to free

2009 you lie asleep

distant and still far away

not a worry fret or weep

in God's hands I know you'll stay

the meaning of the angel tree

2007-12-28T00:22:00.000-08:00

d click on pictures to enlarge d

only angels grace the little tree
placed in my coziest room
~*~
each one has been selectively purchased

or has been given as precious gifts

~*~
some are silly and i think their purpose
is just to make me smile
~*~

this one has a Victorian flare
all shiny with gems and velvet
~*~
some do come from far away places
trinkets from loving family

~*~

this one carries a message on her wing
that was needed during a difficult trial
~*~
others are whimsical
and just pure delight
~*~

and foremost the special ones
with meanings only i understand
~*~

and lastly, the reason that i wanted this special small tree
was for the reminder that PEACE is important
something to be shared and passed on
~*~peace to all my special bloggie friends~*~

one year ago today...

2007-12-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, at exactly 9:20 p.m. I got the call that every parent prays they will never get. Last year we had no Christmas, as it was spent in the ICU watching this young man struggle to save his life. It was the worst challenge I have ever had to endure as a momma, but...that is not what this post is about. This post is an update, one year later.

Mark today...

Re-entered college and just finished up a semester. His experience in the hospital opened up an interest in the medical field and he wants to be a Respiratory Therapist. He is hoping to be accepted into the program in 2 more semesters. He is back to work part time at his old job, but it is pretty physical and is proving to be a little difficult. However, he is very strong willed and will probably work through the Christmas season and beyond until something more feasible works out.

Marks broken back healed as expected and should get stronger with time. He now lives with what is called Short Bowel Syndrome after loosing so much of his intestines. He takes daily medicine for this and has made many adjustments in his diet. The hardest setback has been his foot. Mark lost all the tendons in his right foot. He used this foot to brace the impact during the car accident and this tore every tendon, because of the immediate internal concern, his foot wasn't even acknowledged for weeks. He begins his day with moderate pain and has to be consistent with physical therapy. He still walks with a slight limp and occasionally has to use a cane, but I just know that we will find the right doctor who will give us hope about some kind of restorative surgery. I just know it. Medical science is amazing and with his new exposure to the field, I know he will be directed to the right physician. The best thing about Mark is his attitude. He is very positive about the entire experience and this makes me proud everyday of the year. He is my hero...because now, when I am having a rough go of it, I think of Mark and find encouragement.

Mark became kind of a Blog Celebrity during that time, as I chronicled the events of every day. He was our Christmas story of hope and the situation fostered our belief in Christmas miracles. Because of the blogging community, God in this vast Universe was bombarded with prayers and requests. Mark's story spread like wildfire and many of you were a part of that and I whole heartily say...

Y Thank You & God Bless You

Christmas Miracles Do Come True !

my version of a winter wonderland

2007-12-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

The
adorable
Claus
couple

Angels...
I
love
them
and
have
collections
from
around
the
world

This
holds
our
in-coming
CARDS

Mark
and
Angela
made
these
when
they
were
little
munchkins

They
also
made
some
of
these
too

Our
advent
calender

*Santa
moves
around
the
pockets

I
made
this
wreath
with
all
our
treasured
ornaments

Mrs.
Santa
Claus

*a
special
handmade
gift
from
Great
Grandma

and
of
course
her
Mr.
Claus

Every
house
needs
a
snow
globe

Every
doggie
needs
their
own
stocking

Jesus...
the
reason
for
the
season

Poinsettias
are
accented
with
our
rocking
horses

The
three
wise
rulers
from
afar

The
angel
tree
that
graces
our
family
room

I did all of this yesterday by myself. A few tears were shed as it was my first Christmas without the kids helping. Definitely bittersweet
Our big tree is in the front room and still needs to be decorated. Hubby and I will get to that one tonight. The house feels festive and comforting, filled with all the happy memories of the past and will continue to make new ones.

Still working on the Christmas cards...I'll show you those next :)

red ~*~ decembers color

2007-12-08T00:02:00.000-08:00

December is filled with red. This year, the lack of water has slowed the leaf turning process and most of our trees are bright red.

December also brings in the yucky weather that challenges the lupus.

I had to get a pain shot on Wednesday and this flare took up my entire week.

I make my Christmas cards by hand, so I will let everyone in on that process.

December is also a crazy month...so I apologize ahead of time if I miss some posting.

~*~Happy Shopping~*~

december begins

2007-12-01T11:31:00.001-08:00

with some of the beautiful things
around my house that I appreciate
and bring me joy and comfort

the
remnants
of
fall

berry
bushes
turning
into
winter's
slumber

cuddles
from
Ellie
because
we're
sad
about
Cleo

poinsettias
from
friends

stacked
wood
for
yummy
hearth
fires

candles
that
smell
like
Christmas is near

you were loved

2007-11-29T20:40:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we had to put this sweet doggie to sleep.
She has been a family member for 14 years and will be missed.
It is never an easy decision.
The house feels so empty.
Cleo...you are loved

monkey business

2007-11-28T15:26:00.000-08:00

I kindly removed this from my foot
as they were bare and outside
looking closely I could see
these handy little compartments
each portal contained a seed
as food for the many birds
that visit my yard

nature is interesting in her wiles
to add the prickly part around this sphere
so when people like me are looking
up instead of down and barefoot
my stepping ended up gentle
rather than crushing it flat
rendering its seeds unprotected

this weekend I saw these very same things
in a booth at a craft show in town
they were all painted gold
and glued to pine cone wreathes for Christmas
I snickered to myself
Monkey Balls I call them
and this clever man has made a business of them

I rather they stay in the trees and the ground
shook loose from their pods
as the birds hop around
from one branch to another
no business for these Monkey's
but I hear the birds say
they are rather handy for eating out

my babies you'll always be

2007-11-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

Mark & Angela

I wonder if other mommas go through as many awkward moments as I do with my children? It's not anything overt, or even really that noticeable, but I feel like such a dork in front of them sometimes. Give me a baby, a toddler, or a young child and I am extremely in my element. The teacher in me kicks in and my brain functions, turning everything into a lesson, that only I know is going on. But, adult children have already learned what I feel comfortable teaching. They need your ears and that strong ability to listen and know when they want your advice, or just want you to hear them. I have found that I am very awkward in this role. I have made mistakes over the past couple of years, where advice was not needed and then what you're saying turns into something that ends up sounding like a lecture and that is not what I meant to do.

I cannot stop being a parent, but I think I need to learn how to be a better parent to adult children. I need big parent ears and a lock on my mouth. I need to learn how to share my opinions more naturally, instead of making them sound as if they came from a lesson plan. This stage in my life proves to be yet another learning chapter for me and I am open to it.

thankful for...

2007-11-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

a loving husband
two healthy kids
my fabulous mom and dad
and Mark
two awesome sisters
wonderful extended family
faithful friends
and Mark
a roof over my head
food in the fridge
my doggies
good health insurance
paid bills
and Mark
a free country
a good God
and I'm sure there is more

but, I have to say that I am extra thankful for my son Mark's life...that he is here on this Earth and going to school, excited about his future, that he even has a future to be excited about and he has such a great attitude, regardless of his physical setbacks. This last year, my mind has deeply pondered the fact that we almost lost him last December and every time I actually see him, my heart skips a beat. His big smile and bright eyes bring me such peace. He has become a hero to me and oh yes, this mother is so grateful and thankful for his life.

is your granny square?

2007-11-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

In the evening, while watching TV, or sitting around with the hubs, keeping my hands busy is an integril part of controling my pain. The more intense the project, the less I focus on what is going on with my body.

Crocheting can get very intense when you attempt to try something new and this holiday season I prepared myself for battle with granny squares. I have different designs for 100 of them and they have me rivited.

Eventually, this will all turn into a Christmas blanket for my living room. Chronic pain is a funny duck...It can often be ignored and in that process, I get to learn new things and produce something special at the same time.

where I've been

2007-11-16T23:01:00.000-08:00

tagged along with the hubby
who went to a conference
in the great city of San Francisco

stayed at the Hilton
ate lunch by a waterfall
looked at some one's wall art

drove around the beautiful seaside homes
saw familiar landmarks
was fascinated by the huge cargo ships

was soothed by the song of the ocean
layed back on the warm sand (under my umbrella ;)
chilled out in our lovely room

but, when it was all over
I had to admit
there's no place like home

autumn hung on

2007-11-12T12:42:00.000-08:00

and so did i

Today is my first really well day
I had hurt too much for any mundane sounds in my environment
the TV stayed silent and in its place was soft music
I layed on my couch for hours and watched the wind blow through the leaves
at the end of one branch this small red leaf hung on
the others still green and yellow
their stems teeming with leftover life
and the knowledge that their time had not yet expired
but the red one
the one with the color of courage
and sometimes fear
was encouraged to cling
strength to not give up
and make it through
yet another storm
and so did I.

In my everlasting research on major diet changes, one source informed that it can take up to one full year before you can really see the difference that the new diet is going to make in your body. The idea of having to be consistent and wait an entire year, is enough to discourage someone and that is why I think so many people give up and don't make it through the long haul.
One Entire Year...of Gluten Free Eating
However, if you're desperate enough, you'll do anything to be healthy again. And I am just that desperate. This last flare came the day after I resisted a major temptation. I asked myself..."Please, just this one time?" and I said, "No!"

Like a punishment, for not giving into my body's craving, I woke up the next day in excruciating pain and the inner battle began.
Two voices having it out in my head.
One telling the other all the reasons this new diet isn't working.
The other listing off every rational statistic of proof that it does work,
you need patience and consistency.
The rational and right voice made the better argument
and my cravings were told to firmly shut up!
But don't give me too much credit yet...
because I cried just like a child who didn't get their way.
I cursed the damn diet and screamed at the food on my special shelf.
I reluctantly ate the gluten free items
while envy bled from my heart, as I watched the others freely eat.
I cursed and punished them in my mind
and mocked that rational voice...
and then I got over it
and stopped being dramatic
and I'm still Gluten Free.
Yes...I'm still GF Gluten Free.

very sick girl

2007-11-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Hello blog friends and beauties
I have been very sick for the last few days.
It's been awhile since I've hit bottom this hard.
I'm sending sugar your way and humbly ask
for some sent around my way too :)

Thanks so much
hugs and love
xOx Darlene

lost in translation

2007-11-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

I am learning that:

GF stands for "Gluten Free"

~ standing in a specialty foods isle and looking at unfamiliar foods is a daunting task. Some items make it very clear through their packaging exactly which products are gluten free. Others try using a different approach, "Let's make our products look like regular products and just put the initials GF in our titles." Well, I was in a frustrated mood, feeling overwhelmed and my negative mind energy was in overdrive. I saw GF and thought it meant Good Frickin (but the bad F word). So here I am, tired, frustrated, in a bad mood and I'm mentally reading packages with titles like:
"The Best GF Cookie Batter in the World"
"The Best GF Hot Cereal in the World"
"The Best GF Crackers in the World"
and in my mind, I'm replacing GF with Good Frickin (but the bad F word) and I'm thinking, "Geez, this company has a lot of balls to use that phrase for their products?!" So, just then my girlfriend points to one of the very same products I am mulling over and says, "Hey look... Gluten Free Cookies, Cereal, Pancakes...Wow!"

And it dawns on me, in a 2x4, hit me over the head with a block of wood, kind of way, that GF stands for "Gluten Free" and NOT Good Frickin!

needless to say, I felt like an idiot, realized what a mind numbing, negative thinking state that I was in...and all I could do was laugh at myself...and I do mean belly laughing...

...out loud, I think I'm going to pee my pants, kind of laughing.

Through my gasps of air and lower half tight muscle control, I sporadically tried to explain my warped thought process about the whole matter...but it was lost in the translation and only I could understand the full funny bone of it all.

I am such an A class dork and seriously think lupus is slowly withering away my sanity.

At the least...I'm still laughing at myself and now have my own "inside joke" with GF...which by the way, unfortunately does not ring true for how I think Gluten Free foods taste at all.

So, until I get used to them...they are "The Worst F Foods in the World"

cozy yummy yarns

2007-11-01T10:57:00.000-07:00

With Halloween behind me, all I can think about is Thanksgiving and Christmas. This year we are extra excited because last year we spent Christmas in the hospital with Mark struggling for his life. We have so much to be grateful for that I can't say "Thank You" enough. Winter is pushing it's way up from the ground and there is a new chill in the air.

When that happens, in this house we start shopping for yarn... cozy yummy yarns. I stood before this particular display and just stared at it, a feast for my eyes. Ewephoric Yarns is my absolute favorite shop to visit, their selection is fabulous and you can be guaranteed to find some of the most unusual exotic yarns from all over the world.

I have pulled out my
crochet needles and
my Knifty Knitter is
raring to go :)

It's the season to
go Ewephoric!

what 20 somethings do for Halloween

2007-10-30T06:05:00.000-07:00

This is my daughter Angela.
She went as a 1960's bride
for a weekend party in S.F.
Ang is wearing a Vintage 60's
dress that is a heirloom from
her Grandma Kay. It is shocking
how much she actually looks like her.
Kay has passed on...and I hope she
was able to glance down and see
her Grand Daughter in one of her
favorite dresses.

Oh, to be young again ;)

~Full~ of gluten free food

2007-10-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

harvest moon ~ taken by me ~ nikon D80

Harvest is a time for gathering. Here at home, all the trees let go of their various nuts and suddenly the orchards are bare and colorless. This year, I noticed something different, something that stood out as we drove down the country roads near my house, everything was covered in a fine, white, powdery mist. I asked my husband what it was and got this answer, "That is the anti-fungus chemical they use to prepare for the winter rains."

Come to find out, they respray this chemical a few times throughout the season, they want the incoming crops to get good and soaked. I don't suffer from allergies in the spring, autumn is my season. Sore throat, ear aches and migraines. I am surrounded by orchards and these chemicals are daily in my environment. Maybe they're not allergies after all?

However...I am loving the Organic and gluten free diet I am on. My intestines are now handling raw veggies, so salads are back on the menu, fruits too. After one month of eating this way...I cheated! Just a little...but boy did I suffer. It felt like my entire body rebelled. Within 20 minutes, I was regretting it and then payed the price with painful intestines for 2 days!!!

What in the world have I been doing to my body for all these years!

Just how far is all this healing going to lead?......Possible Remission?!

My hopes are high and it's a scary place to be.

Me & Callie

2007-10-26T18:34:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm real...the only thing I'm stuffed with is love.
Have a great weekend!

California Burning

2007-10-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

this chair waits for my husbands body at the end of the day
it surrounds him with comfort
conforms to his shape
and often cradles him during a nap
it is chairs like this, that represent home
to so many different families

There is a slight haze in the air surrounding this part of California. I am well away from all the fires and live in the Northern part, but it is still my State that is in peril, closer to precious family members and friends and I feel the heaviness inside my heart. All of our local stations are covering this disaster, news channels are discussing it as their main subject and they keep showing the complete neighborhoods that have been burned to the ground. An entire town is gone from one end to the other. This morning, they found 2 bodies, a couple that refused to evacuate their home...so so sad.

Our homes don't go to heaven with us and the bible even describes Earthly goods as rubble, in comparison to love that is eternal, but I can't help to believe the great loss that all of these families are feeling. My huge television is showing the sad crying faces of the Californians involved, their bravery is amazing...and I look over at my husbands chair and at all the 'things' that represent home to me, safe and untouched by tragedy...and I pray for all of those, whose security has been burned to the ground and turned into rubble.

silly crying girl

2007-10-23T10:37:00.000-07:00

The last time I had this dream, I must have been around 10 years old. Funny how dreaming can pull such old memories from out of the deep recesses of our minds...

The event that created a dream

~This older boy who lived down the street and around the corner, asked me if I wanted to go pheasant hunting with him and his family. I did and it was all so different from any experience I'd ever had with my own family.

A big field, shooting guns, dogs running around everywhere...and the pretty birds that fell from the sky.

I didn't know what I was getting into, I just enjoyed the fact that this boy wanted me to go somewhere with him, surrounded by the safety net of his parents. Even the mom shot at the birds, I was horrified. I'm not even sure I understood what hunting meant and the reality of taking life away from a living thing. The dead birds were heaped into piles, the red blood staining the iridescent rainbows that I saw in their feathers. The dogs had lust in their eyes, something else I had never seen before. I don't remember any conversations we may have had that day.

When we got back to their house, I was too young to understand that I should of asked to go home, I was expected to eat dinner with them. The mom took the birds and placed them in the kitchen sink, washing the blood from their limp bodies. She placed a chair from the dining room and told me to stand next to her. She showed me how to pull out the feathers and handed me a bird. Each feather clung to the skin as it was being pulled from it's body, the eyes were open and void of life. I felt the bile rise in my throat and I began to silently cry. Tears rolled down my cheeks and my nose sniffed a couple of times. The mom saw that I was crying and she took the bird from my hands. Where was the boy? Why was I here and alone with this woman in the kitchen? She sat me at the table with a glass of milk, I don't remember any words of consolation, just the feeling that I had done something wrong and was being punished. It felt like I sat there forever.

Finally, she put the TV on and soon I could smell the birds cooking in the oven. I knew they were going to make me eat them and I began to feel the panic rise in my chest. She announced that dinner was ready and everyone came from the hidden places, somewhere from the back of the house. Silently, I sat there, seeing the days events play before my eyes; the loud bursts from the guns, the piercing cries of the birds, dogs barking with hunger in their eyes, while retrieving their rewards. I took one bite and tasted the oily gamy meat on my tongue. I ran to the kitchen sink and spit it out, embarrassed and crying again.

She put me in her car and silently drove me home, she was disappointed in me and I could feel that I had been a waste of her time. I don't remember talking to my parents about the events of the day, if I did, I'm sure many of the details were left out. That night I dreamt that dead, plucked, bloody birds were chasing me and I couldn't run fast enough to get away from them. I had that same nightmare for 2 weeks and once again the other night.

Who was I to them?
Just some silly girl who cried all the time and I bet that Mom is thankful, that all she ever had to raise were boys.

the new artsy look

2007-10-22T16:36:00.000-07:00

You know when you have to run an errand...
just one
real quick like... so,
you throw on some clothes
any clothes
even if they don't match
because you're in that,
"Who cares what I look like, no one will notice"
kind of mood
and you put your unwashed hair
in a pony tail
quickly dab on
blush and lipstick
add sunglasses
and rush out the door?

Well, the first person I ran into was this charming Starbucks server who asked me if I was an artist...up go my eyebrows, with a look of surprise and I say, "I think I'm... sort of an artist?...Why do you ask?"
The server seriously replies with a nod, "You look very artsy."

It was then that I looked down to see what I was actually wearing, I smiled and said, "Hmmmm?...Thank you."

Leaving the store, I caught my full body reflection in the window, on my way back to the car and declared,

"Frump is the new Artsy look? I'm up for that!!!" *big smile*

bathrobes and comfort foods

2007-10-18T10:56:00.000-07:00

It gets cold fast around here. One day you're using your air-conditioning and the next, your heater. I actually checked my bathrobe for spiders before putting it on, I can't even remember when I wore it last. This gluten free diet is a real challenge. I wake up and my brain automatically thinks of the old foods...oatmeal, cheerios, toast with jam, all things that I can no longer eat. This old dog has some new tricks to learn. I have my own shelf in the pantry and I continually stare at it. All the wrappers look foreign and the foods are unusual to me, nothing has turned into comfort food yet...I think I need that to happen.

Just like bathrobes...foods feel like old friends that get left on that hook behind your bedroom door, minus the spiders, of course.

meet Callie Lu

2007-10-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm funny

I'm confident

I have a great profile

I'm extremely photogenic

and all of that, is exhausting for a puppy

Here are all the handsome men in my new family
(Kenny, Casey, Mark, Sean, Louis)

This is my Daddy (give me five!)

and I already rule my new home

For more pictures of the rest of my new family...go here (Denise's blog)

It had been way too long since we had all seen each other. There were tears each time a different family member arrived and lots of hugging and kissing. Callie Lu commanded the center of attention and at the same time, we had more closure about Daisy going to doggie heaven. We cried while recalling fond memories and Callie licked our tears away to make us smile again. She is already loved by us all and is showing the signs of being a quick learner. If there is such a thing as feeling the past spirit from one dog into another, Daisy has given her approval of Callie. *You chose good Daisy Mae* :)

Being with my sisters is always a laugh fest. I appreciate the dorky sense of humor we all share. Denise looked beautiful, healthy and carries an even stronger sense of self. Her journey has given her a new wisdom that is tangible and she is more yummy than ever! We got to share the same sleeping arrangements, so this gave us some very special cuddly moments. I already miss her and love her even more than yesterday.

My parents are worn out from puppy rearing, but having all your children around you always energizes the atmosphere. I catch them smiling for no reason and see that proud parent look in their eyes. Every "Remember when..." story is still fun to recall and gets the same laughs. Memory treasures, each and every one.

We ate, shopped and watched movies, talked late into the night hours and woke to the excitement of a full house...

There is nothing like sharing family time all under one roof and the mingling of tears, laughter and good memories, to solidify the reasons why we love each other so much.

getting on the gluten free bus

2007-10-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

It was very difficult being a gluten free girl in the big city. However, because my lil sis is already a professional at eating this way, she has given me her wise advice. I have been spending all of my spare time at glutenfree.com

If you want to lose weight, switch over to this diet. It is similar to the protein diet, but a little more healthy. Right now I am not allowed to eat raw veggies, that makes it very difficult, but soon enough, I will be able to add them too. My intestines are in bad shape, every little thing I digest has become a major issue. Another bit of advice...chew your food more than your usual chewing time. This makes a huge difference for your body. It even increases nutrient absorption...who knew?

So, I'm not feeling strong yet and the need to rest is still a priority. Denise is arriving today at mom and daddy's and I get to see her tomorrow and Friday. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and give her a big smooch.

I'll take plenty of pictures :)

organizing the baggage

2007-10-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

I have never been into "Spring" cleaning. The tail end of Summer and Fall are one of the best times of year for me physically. I feel energized by the cooler weather and the change of season gives me that impulse to organize. I'm ready to purge, clean out my closets and drawers, go through my craft goods and downsize. I love to save everything and can be accused of being a clutter bug, but I eventually disconnect with stuff and feel ready to get rid of what is no longer useful.

Going to camp was fabulous. The main speaker was an artist, a potter by trade and she threw clay on a wheel, turning it into beautiful treasures right before our eyes. Her theme was based on how our circumstances mold and shape our lives. Every trial is used to trim a little here, smooth out a little there and the fact that all of us have to 'go through the fire' before we can be made complete. I shared many of my own trials by fire on Saturday, it went well and was over in a flash. I will never forget the visuals that went along with all of the lessons I learned this weekend.

Now, I just need another day or two to rest, get ready for yet another upper Gastric-Intestinal test tomorrow morning (blah!) and then look forward to San Francisco on Sunday with my daughter. Oh....and my sister Denise is coming out on the 10th! I'll get to actually see, feel and smell her for 4 entire days...prime cuddle time :) and probably a trip to Murphy's for shopping. We're all gathering together to welcome Callie puppy into our family, she has yet to experience the excitement that accompanies all of us girls getting together...good talks, lots of eating and major giggle fests.

The picture came from Sacramento Airport. It's what an artist did with all of the unclaimed baggage, a tower of suit cases and trunks...I've always wondered what was found inside.

What would you leave behind?

and the path veers to the right

2007-09-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

With medical tests still to come and a more refined diagnosis yet to be told, I am leaving on Friday for a Woman's Retreat Weekend...I have been saying out loud for weeks, "I am going to Camp this year!" I was prepared to be wheeled in, if necessary. So, I made my 'list of things' to pack and began to get excited.

Lo and behold, I received a rather interesting phone call this morning, not only am I going to this Retreat, but one of the scheduled speakers canceled and they want ME to replace her!!! Me?!

I calmly said, "Sure, I can do that." So, this path that I so fiercely layed down the gauntlet with has already opened up a new and exciting door. :)

I've been giggling all day...and suddenly concerned about what I'm going to wear! Truth be told...I would do this in my bathrobe and the timing of this opportunity couldn't be more perfect :)

God is good

this new path

2007-09-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

let's just say that the results from my latest test were not good. i have a new path to travel and i am in the process of accepting it. i actually feel some relief, rather than discouragement and both J and i came out of this with a different attitude about how we are living (or, not living) our lives. we have been stuck in a rut, waiting for some really big shoe to drop and that is no way to live. i especially feel like i want to do so much more with any energy i have, do things i have always wanted to do and spend time getting closer to the people i hold most dear to my heart.

if someone were to ask me a question like, "Darlene, you have lived for 46 years on this Earth, what advice would you give to the world?" i think my answer would be...always stay close to your God, plan wisely, but don't wait too long and never take your body for granted...it's the only one you get. I have many plans, dreams and desires to fulfill, i want to be a busy girl doing all of those things. i am going to open my online shop, even if i have only one design to offer. i am going to explore even more healthy ways of eating. i am going to visit with my family more often. i am going to spontaneously do things with my girlfriends and i am going to become a more aggressive child in this big Universe of ours. i was always the squeaky wheel in my youth...where did that girl go? i liked her so much more than who i am today.

poor health has robbed me of my spunk and sparkle. i feel like it doused me with a waterfall and i have taken a long time to recover from it. my light used to burn so brightly and i abused it. i need to take my years of learning and use Wisdom as my guide. i need to Listen to my body, but Silence the Fear that it sometimes gives me. i need to say 'i love you' more often, but also receive when i am being loved in return.

"ignoring life never makes you feel better, it only exaggerates the lonely isolation that it causes."

I said that quote, Me, Myself and I.

the sound of silence

2007-09-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

( my response to a very special email sent to me ) & (Friday mornings email)

Sweet sweet darling woman ~*~

Thank you for emailing me ...I completely needed it. I have been silent, so incredibly silent. I don't know what to post about, what to say, or even how to react to what is going on with me right now. I have been in the most immobilizing pain I have ever felt, for such a long period of time. By the end of every night, I am flat on my back and unable to move. Something in my abdominal area isn't right. I can't even begin to tell you how many different tests I have had...with no answers. Today I am fasting and drinking a bucket of gross stuff in preparation for a colonoscopy tomorrow at 10 am. I'm scared and thinking the worst. Silly...I know, but it's my truth. I am scared and frustrated, confused and trying to remain so very positive. My husband says I'm doing great, but he can't read my mind. I see the fear in his eyes too and it's like neither one of us wants to speak out loud what we are thinking.

My hope, is that it is an easy fix. If any kind of surgery is required, we are going to fight for a second opinion at Stanford Medical Clinic....a really big fight with insurance to get approval. I don't know if I am up for that fight. How can I blog and say...I'm almost ready to give up and I am scared have out of my mind? How can I say that I am discouraged with my God? Wondering where He is and what is the point to all of this? I feel like my life is such a waste of time. Yes, my husband says that he couldn't do the things he does without my emotional support and friendship...Yes, my children say that I am the one person on this Earth that they love so much and trust...

but am I being selfish to want something more than that? I want to teach the woman's bible study, I want to get my jewelry business up and running, heck, I just want to go to church?!

I hate lupus...and right now I'm not that crazy about me either. I needed this rant, please don't feel like you have to respond and solve any of my problems, I just appreciated the soft hug of you reaching out.

Thank you, my love
warm hugs
XOXO Darlene

( the email I sent to my family this morning)

Family~

It is 6am and my nerves, on top of the pain, are keeping me awake. Yesterday was horrible. I cried like a baby on the bathroom floor. The Bowel formula didn't react with me very well and I had the IBS attack of a lifetime. I've had cluster migraines for the last 3 days on top of that. I was in the bathroom from 6pm until 11pm. Then, got up every hour after that. Jay is going to have to wheel me into the hospital today.

I am bone weary. I'm looking forward to the sleep that will come when this procedure is finished. I'm hanging on by threads right now. Long ago, Jesus cried in a garden, bathrooms have always seemed to be my place to be a raw human being. Thank God He meets us even there.

I love you all, please say a prayer for J, this is so extremely hard on him. I think that seeing someone you love suffer, is a cross equally hard to bare. He will report back to you any results from today.

I'm starving for something solid and non-nutritious, like a maple nut scone and a green tea frappichino. All I've eaten in the last 36 hours is 2 quarts of some thick soapy concoction that tried to imitate 7up.

Lemon Lime sucks

xoxoxo Dar