reach

dark underground
after the rain has fallen
after the sun has warmed the soil
earth yields to roots that follow natures pull
to break

pushing through
past the sand and rocks
past the layers of weathered clay
life sheds its dry and hardened skin
to leave

new changes
here above the foundation
here above all that was safely familiar
growing higher with an overwhelming urge
to reach



What are you reaching for, friend? What parts in you need to yield and break? What obstacles are in your way and what must you shed and leave behind? What changes need to occur in your life that may lead you away from what is routine and constant? Something new is about to happen because as tied down as your life may seem to be, it's time for a change.

Supernatural Entertainment

Yesterday I was not feeling well and by the evening, I ended up spiraling into a Lupus flare. This meant that I was awake all night in excruciating pain, waiting for 7am, so that I could see my doctor for a shot. I spent the day in bed reading posts and napping off and on. It was a very windy day and the view from my upstairs bedroom window was beautiful. The now newly opened leaves, were swishing back and forth and I could hear the feather light sounds of the wind blowing all around me. My wind chimes also added it's own music to natures concerto.

Late in the afternoon, as the sun was beginning to go down, I opened my eyes that were alerted to a living shadow dancing on my wall. It took me quite awhile to figure out that it was the sunshine coming through a window on the bottom floor, that then projected this long sliver of just one banister post on my wall and behind it was the movement of the birch trees, swaying back and forth. It only lasted a few minutes and seemed to turn into different colors. I grabbed my camera and took these pictures. If you look closely, you can see the leaves changing their shape within the shadow. I later retouched the colors into the photos because I couldn't quite catch that layer of activity.

I suddenly felt warm all over and loved... for the trees, the wind and the rainbow colors, all represented a promise made to me thousands of years ago, by my Maker, that in just a moment, all things can be made right and beautiful...if you believe.

I believe....do you?

Brain Fog and Braids

I first heard the medical term "Brain Fog"
while reading a book on chronic pain and Lupus.
It is very similar to looking at an unfocused
picture. You know what the picture subject is,
but until it appears more clear (focused)
you are left with some missing pieces
and a desire to see it as it should be.
Brain Fog is different from forgetting,
a person actually can't remember the most
simple of tasks until the 'fog' clears.
This usually only happens under duress,
some of you out there might be thinking,
"Oh, so that's what it's called ;-)"



Yes, indeed, this happened to me today
with the simple task of braiding a necklace.
I absolutely sat there staring at it,
fumbled with it and for the life of me
could not figure out how to braid.
All of us girls and guys grew up
learning that skill, (basket weaving 101)
then we braided everything in sight.
I even remember braiding my spaghetti noodles
when I suffered dinner table boredom.
It was so frustrating knowing that it was
something that I could do in my sleep, but I
could not remember its simple rules. Then,
you begin to feel stupid, start talking to
yourself out loud and when the skill returns and
your fingers nimbly manipulate the cord,
all is well...until it happens again.
Technically, nerves are on temporary
overload and right themselves quickly.



So, it's spring and we all feel that sudden urge to purge ourselves of the less useful things in our lives. (Buzz Word = Downsize:) Deni is great at this...while I received my Father's pack rat gene.
Here's my problem...



I packed a lot of my "things" (aka = crap) in April of 2006 thinking that our new house was going to be ready much sooner, well, I was wrong and now those things will be packed for many more months to come. I can hear J saying it now, "If you've been living all this time with that "crap" (:() in those boxes and haven't found a need for it all for this long....then it all should go, as it seems you can live without it.






I need that
"Oi, just get rid of it, woman!"
that I can hear Denise saying
to me. Needless to admit,
it's Spring cleaning time
and I really do need to
down size my "stuff" (:-)








And how do these things all relate to one another?
Well, how am I supposed to part with my treasures
when I keep lapsing in and out of fogginess?
This condition makes decision making extremely
difficult and very stressful.

I guess I'm going to have to fly my lil sis
here to help me purge...okay love? *wink*

***Help me here fellow pack rats...how in the
world do you do it?***

Ang ~*~ Mark's lil sis

This was a very busy weekend, a lot of reminiscing, a few shed tears and an important reason for my daughter Angela to come home. Great Grandma Nell died at 90 years old and her memorial service was on Saturday. Nell was from their dad's side of the family and both of our children felt they had been close to her. She died peacefully in her sleep and she is now in a much better place with both of her daughter's that she loved and dearly missed.

Ang and I were alone for most of the weekend. We did some catching up, which was long overdue since Mark's accident, a subject that came up during the eulogy, as a reason to celebrate life. Angela was one of the people that spoke during the memorial and her brother told her that she did the best job, remembering something quirky, something funny and closing with endearments that left everyone teary.

I have said so many wonderful things about Mark lately, that Angela's praise has been long overdue. She is a wonderful daughter/friend and her smiles and laughter filled the house. With her degree in hand, she got that job in the big city and is fully loving the experience that all metropolises provide. In 2005, she spent part of her education in London and the Europe bug bit her. She informed me that she would like to go back to live and work there for a little while, her current employment has offices there and a transfer would be easy. Easy for them, easy for her, but not so easy on me :-) I try so hard to be encouraging, but my eyes give me away, as they tear up while I'm smiling and listening to her excitement. It is never that I would want to keep her from going, but I just love her so much and would miss her terrible.

As Mother's and Father's, we have to work so hard to raise them right in this world. We are their teachers, protectors and a loving stability for such an important part of their lives, as well as our own. It is so painful to let them go, but we must and do it gracefully. Definitely one of the more difficult things all parents experience.

So we hug them, breathe in their scent and send them on their way with a prayer, hoping that we did our best to make them as whole as possible, so they can make their own contributions in this great big world. But I must say, that the feeling is indescribable when they hug me and say, "Mmmmm...you smell like my momma." ~~~~~~~pure bliss :-)

contemplating my new do..........

***addition at bottom




















new do's make me feel different~younger~sexier~different~happy~
I really needed this...and the best part was putting makeup on and driving myself there and back. I had a migraine by the time I was done, but took my meds and later, a few pic's. Mark saw me and said, "you look pretty, Mom :)" Unsolicited complements from your grown son are the best! Thanks Mark ;)





















***Please please go here and give Thea your love and support

Springtime~Thunderstorms~Feathered Friends ~*~ Pain Management

all you could hear
was the pounding of rain
a rumble or two
and lightening bolts flew
but some of Gods creatures
without even a care
went on with their lives
by leaving the air





some
sat
in
trees

and
chatted
with
friends






the
fresh
water
pond
is where
jay bird
felt
cleansed






many
were
perched










on
the
edges
of
fences











quietly
watching

rain
fill
up
the
trenches










the
rain
kept on
coming









for
hours
and hours








and
each
bird
was
drenched









right
along
with the
flowers








and then
there
were
those











who
chose
lonely
places












to
gaze
from on
high












dark
grief
on
their
faces











but
low
on the
ground









some
frolicked
and played












they
teased
one another













so some
flew
away







but
all
the birds
know

that
each storm
has an
end









flying
back
to their
homes

cheerful
singing
begins






~*~ Today I will be going to the pain clinic. I have to carry in my bag filled with medicines and watch them take them out, one bottle at a time and place them into categories. I don't ever look at them that way.....all at once....on the same surface. In my house, I have them in a small wooden cabinet that has tiny drawers that represent the categories. I only have to open them one at a time, not exposing myself to the whole. Even though some of the medications are "as needed" it is still very overwhelming to 'see' them just....out like that.

The doctors know it is an uncomfortable situation because he always assures me that these pills are keeping me alive...and right about here, during the visit, I can't keep myself from crying no matter how hard I try. I am in the process of being taken off of a dangerous medication. As a matter of fact, I am going on a new medication to make going off the old medication as danger free as possible????? I know...it's very confusing and scary. My family doesn't know just how dangerous it is. (and if any of you are reading this right now, I'm sorry and I don't really want to talk about it).

I feel like Job. I feel like different parts of my life are a reflection of all those medicine bottles on the table, staring at me and daring my faith. I will never loose hope and I will never leave my faith. It is Rock Solid. I will die with my beliefs fully intact and coming from my lips. I feel like I want to sit down with death and disease and say, "Listen, I'm a stubborn Portagee, so shove off!"

I am so ready for the storm to be over....can't a girl catch a break?

Spring is Just About Everywhere

When you walk around
with a camera slung over
your shoulder, or one
tucked away in your purse,
don't you find that things
just jump out at you and
practically say, "Take one
of me! Hey, over here!"
Well, I was pulling out of
my driveway and over to my
right (where we keep the
garbage cans) a certain
tree caught my attention.





She was all dressed up
in her gold finery
and she donned a
dramatic green skirt,
that I just had to snap
a shot or two, out
of my curiosity, as well
as, her bidding.


All of the maidens
were there and they too,
were dressed in their
finest attire.
The hostess bowed
before the most
revered guest.
The Prince had
traveled quite a way
and rumor was vastly
spreading that he
was looking for
a bride.



From much practice,
she bowed with grace
and her skirt
splayed out around
her. All could not
deny her well known
beauty and she
began to notice
how stiff and
prickly he was.
She fled the limbs
and was heard saying,
"Why, he's no better
looking than a
bloody pinecone!"




And indeed
...he was.










My hope is that you are smiling and have a wonderful day! :-)

Holes

I had a really deep conversation the other day and the subject matter has been lingering around in my mind and heart.....

If someone is serious about changing bad behaviors, they really can.

Don't grow old with the regret of not forgiving someone.

We could probably go on for days and days discussing these topics, but I'm not going to write a book today. I'm just going to whittle down to the heart of the matter.

~*~ If I literally made a hole in myself for every mistake that I've made, I would look like a piece of Swiss cheese. I've done a lot of changing over the years and I work very hard at trying not to judge others and not allowing others to judge me. This has turned all of those holes into a cleaver way of letting people see into the real me, being more transparent and that gives new meaning to all of those holes now.

~*~ Unforgiveness only hurts us. There were times when I wished my grudge holding would hurt the other person, but it never did. They went on with their lives and I remained pissed off. That is just plain stupid and a waste of my time. Set yourself free by forgiving, living out loud is a much better use of our time.

The blossoms in these pictures were so beautiful, I didn't even notice the brand new growth until I cropped the picture.

















Let's not make that mistake with people...look past the pretty Sunday clothes and recognize the new growth. If you happen to be a big, walking hunk of Swiss cheese, don't hide it with a pious overcoat. And...if you need to forgive someone...just ask for help and then, do it.

Mark's Personal Taxi

Yesterday I was healthy enough to take Mark to one of his doctor's appointments. Whenever I look at him, my heart swells with gratitude and he seems to feel it too because I kept catching him smiling. This visit was about his foot, which was the least concern, while he was in the hospital. X-rays revealed that the bone was 90% healed, but unfortunately wrong. His foot rolls in when he stands on it and he has lost his arch. Now we need to see a podiatrist and he needs to be fitted for a permanet support that he will need to wear in his shoe. The doctor didn't want to comment on whether this could have been avoided, but to be honest, we were expecting something like this. On the bright side, he has gained back 80% of his strength in it from the physical therapy. Later, when he's worn the arch support for awhile, he will regain most all of it's normal strength.... and then he can start driving again :) Until then, we will continue to 'taxi' him around and I'll have extra opportunities to stare at him. Mark was really disappointed that getting behind the wheel is still a ways down the road, but we can't blame him for his lack of enthusiasm about being a passenger. It causes him great anxiety now and STOP signs actually make him nervous....

Don't fret too much son, you'll have the rest of your life to be the driver!

Thank God :)







Mark coming out of his first store....and completely wondering why I am taking his picture.












Mark realizing that I am chronicling this moment and thinking his mother is crazy.















Mark humoring me and giving me a killer smile :)















Mark thinking, "Okay Mom, that's enough!"








Mark has just told me that I am indeed crazy and that no one cares that he has just purchased something from a store.

You wanna bet?

:)

***Spread The Word***

******Update on Mark******


This little munchkin sitting next to his sister, was born blue because he has severe asthma that he has battled his entire life. When he was 7, he was accidentally dropped from a teenagers hold, in which he landed on his jaw, on the cement and broke it.
He had always experienced terrible reactions to certain elements that he was allergic to and spent many days in the hospital. In 4th grade he played football with the "big" kids and broke his arm in 3 places. His nose has been broken 2 times during recess, he sliced the top of his head open on a school door that had a tiny sharp metal shard sticking out.
I know there are other things that I am forgetting, but I think you get the idea...not the cautious one in the crowd. But, he is such a loving respectable, God fearing man...and I am proud.

Mark saw his 3rd and final doctor about his back (consultations on back surgery). The verdict is.........NO SURGERY NEEDED!!!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :P :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
I know I know...this is so exciting, but there's more. Mark broke his L3 (which sits right below the spinal cord) in a Y shape. 90% of people who break their vertebrae like this become paralysed from the waist down AND Mark has complete mobility!!! The doctor said he was a very lucky young man (wink wink) We know right where that blessing came from ;-)

He is still having physical therapy for both his foot and back and then he's back to work and school.

This entire situation is an official Miracle and we are so so grateful to God for all that has happened, as a result of this. We are also grateful for all of you, I could not have held myself together, if it wasn't for the words of encouragement that came from you.

And here is the Mark we have all come to love. Please pass the word along to those who prayed and did various other things, another "Thank You" for all the wonderful things he received from everyone and....I humbly, and with tear filled eyes believe that God will give back to you all 100 fold of what you gave to our entire family.....the most incredible support system this family has ever seen!

Thank YOU XOXOXO

Mark & his Momma Darlene

P.S. Mark will be reading your comments. :)

Rows of Rainbows

come and take a walk with me
no need for scarves or gloves
a simple sweater will do just fine
the sun shines bright above

the ground is clothed in winter white
the trees are dressed up too
a lovely fragrance fills the air
under the sky of blue

each path is lined with many trunks
and canopies of color
with rows and rows that go for miles
two hands that hold each others



































































































































































































be sure
to tuck
a flower
in your
hair...

BEEautiful BUZZZZy

2 day's ago the sun was shining and you could smell the sweetness of all the blossoms blooming in the air. At my house, you could also hear the buzzing of the bees, so I snapped a "few" pictures of these busy workers and that is just what it looked like they were doing...work. Notice how weighted down their legs are with pollen, yet they flew from one flower to the next with such speed. I thought I would share them with you. Don't forget to set your clocks forward this weekend!
(Oh...and as you slowly enlarge each photo by clicking on it, hum a little song to yourself. That's what I did when I showed them to my hubs and what I would do if my children were still here at home. Or, you could narrate like a nature channel special.) I know......the nerd in me is oozing in those last 2 sentences ;-)

Split

you wound
a slow growth
stretched over time
dry skin forced apart
split and exposed
a vulnerable center

you hurt
and feel bare
weather beaten
weak places give way
no longer safe
a vulnerable center

you know
a rich balm
abides inside
veils meant to protect
golden warm seal for
a vulnerable center

you heal

When I was in a creative writing class in college, one student said they did not want to write poetry because their's always sounded depressing and the professors response was, "Some of the best poetry comes from our four main emotions; joy, love, hate & sadness. Where do you fit in when writing poetry and why?

Halo

I have had the most difficult time {emotionally} commenting on other blog sites this past month. I have had many days when I can't even hold up my own head. My computer has sat beside me on a table and I have read what is going on in your lives, stared at your beautiful pictures and have even read the comments that other people have left you, but I can do all of this with one hand and often find myself with my eyes closed. On the days that I have felt better, I catch up on emails, jewelry or writing and this seems to happen less and less.

For so long I have felt surrounded by the light of love that has been created around me through this medium. I feel blessed, lucky and like I really 'know' most of you, but recently I have noticed something...I miss saying words to you, or rather, writing words. It is not enough to just read. It would be like 2 people trying to have a conversation, but only one person does the talking. Not only that, but the other person doesn't even make a peep, there are no "U-huh's" at the end of your sentences. Not very exciting... and I've realized that I need to speak to you just as much as your posts have spoken to me.

Busy Hands~*~ Busy Mind

Nine years ago, I experienced an extended stay at Stanford Hospital Pain Clinic. I was there for 5 weeks.

The first week & 1/2 was a living hell, having to detox from all the different medications I was on. They strip you of everything and then slowly experiment with different medicines, giving you a little more or less, here or there.

You have no idea what they are giving you. Your medicine arrives in a small cup with a pink liquid inside. They refer to this as a "blind cocktail."

The goal is that you leave with the greatest amount of physical function possible and the least amount of daily medicine intake. My medicines have not changed in all these years. It doesn't matter how small the amount of regular narcotics taken to manage your pain, when it comes to detoxification, it is one of the utmost worst physical experiences I have ever had.

I think that is why I have been so reluctant to increase my pain medications these last nine years. The more you take, the longer you suffer while in detox. Even just 2 little milligrams per day, can give you one extremely long week of suffering, while it leaves your body's system.

My doctor is currently petitioning for me to get back into Stanford again. We still need to jump through a few more hoops yet, but it is near impossible without doctor's going to bat for you. Stanford is one of the main hospitals working on cures for people with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. My philosophy about having a chronic illness is this...I don't mind spending 50% of my year with symptoms that keep me down, as long as the other 50% is spent decently functional. When the good days greatly decrease, it's time to try new things :-)


So, how do people live with chronic pain without drugging themselves into oblivion? *Distractions* Keep your mind busy. I learned in one of their workshops, that doing things that require great concentration help to keep your mind off of your pain number (lingo for my fellow pain suffering friends ;-) So, I do a variety of things and one of them is designing and making jewelry. Watch out when a bead shipment comes in...sorting beads has got to be one of my most favorite things to do! How crazy is that? Have a fabulous weekend and...

...What do you do when you're in pain?

Personal Growth

I admire the feel of you,
so fragile is the onion peel
surface of your skin.

I disrupt the solitude,
turning the ground, as I prepare
a resting place.

I strategically lay you there,
cover and fill, resembling
death with a funeral, but no

I depart and the waiting begins,
patience abides with anticipation
for the change in season.

I understand the perseverance
that it takes to force through
this stony ground.

I know the effort released
to raise yourself up as high as you can,
feeling the sun on your face.

I love you for the pleasure you bring;
the smiles that appear because you chose
to break way beyond the dark...



and you achieve perfection. Calling out to all who admire and soon, they gaze with great appreciation.

~*~*~*~*Today I called and made an appointment with the counselor. I feel like I have lost the way to being me. Perhaps not lost, just a little crowded under all the responsibilities that go along with nursing an adult child back to health.

I need a vacation